Author's Note: Uh... yeah... not sure where this came from. I just started typing and this is the result. Not terribly well-written or thought out but figured I'd share anyway since it's my first (and likely last) Seigaku-only fic. -blinks- I wonder if I'll get my first flame for this... but then it's a LOT less graphic than it could have been and I keep seeing smutty innuendos instead of actual cannibalism. -_-;;
"If we were the sole survivors of a shipwreck, lost at sea with no food or water, I want you to eat me."
The water bottle froze on its journey to his mouth and Oishi lowered it without taking a sip. "What brought this on?" he asked, wondering if he should be horribly disturbed about now.
"Datte." Eiji twisted the hem of his shirt anxiously before looking up, large blue eyes filled with concern. "I don't want us both to die nya! Not if there's a chance one of us can survive long enough to be rescued!"
"Eiji, we're never going to be in a situation like that," Oishi said gently. "It's just... not going to happen, believe me."
"But if," Eiji insisted. "If it happens, I want you to promise me that you'd eat me. It'd make me feel better, knowing that you'll live just a day longer."
Oishi nodded, appalled with the idea but not having the heart to refuse his doubles partner. Eiji was being so earnest about the whole thing, bizarre though it was, and Oishi wasn't the type to ridicule others. "Okay," he acquiesced. "If it so happens that we're the only ones there and there's no food and we're both about to starve to death, then I'll eat you."
Maybe, he added silently to himself.
"Wai!" It was only from long years of practice that Oishi managed to keep his balance when Eiji glomped him, arms encircling his neck and sleek hair grazing one cheek. "I'm so happy nya!"
"About what, Eiji-senpai?"
"Oishi said he'd eat me!" Eiji brimmed with joy as he turned to address the new arrival, still hanging off of Oishi's neck.
"Ah! It's not what you think!" Oishi hastily said, before Momoshiro could get any funny ideas and blurt them out loud enough for everyone to hear. "We were talking about... uh... cannibalism."
This didn't seem to reassure Momoshiro at all. If anything, his eyes widened even more and he took an instinctive half-step away from the two. "Ah... is that so..."
"Yep!" Eiji chirped, completely unperturbed. "If we were out at sea with no food, I offered to sacrifice myself so Oishi could live. That's just the kind of relationship we have," he boasted, giving Oishi an affectionate squeeze.
"Oh." Momoshiro considered that. "So you'd only let Oishi-senpai eat you? What if I was there, too? Would you let me take a few bites?" he asked, interested despite himself. He wasn't arrogant enough to think that he was as close to Eiji as Oishi was, but they were still friends. That counted for something, right?
"Of course not," Eiji scoffed, shooting down that thought right away. "If you were there, Oishi and I would team up and eat you. Ne, Oishi?"
"Eiji-senpai!" Momoshiro cried. "That's just not fair! It isn't fair!"
"Mwee! Doesn't matter nya! Golden Pair shall prevail! Buiii!"
"Haaahhh..." Oishi breathed out, reluctant to encourage the madness but wanting to make peace between his two teammates. "You can both... eat me instead. I don't mind." And really, he didn't. It was certainly a more appetizing fate than the alternative.
"Oishi-senpai!" Momoshiro looked at him with gratitude while Eiji frowned.
"No. I'd rather save you for later and eat Momo first," Eiji pouted, letting go of Oishi so that he could fold his arms across his chest. He ignored Momoshiro's vehement protests, gaze alighting on one of the other regulars still playing a game on the court. The viper was in top form today, hissing as he completed another Boomerang Snake against a hapless substitute.
"Ah! If Kaidoh was there, too, we'll save you for second," Eiji offered generously. "I bet he tastes better anyway nya."
"Hey! What makes you think that baka mamushi is better tasting than I am?" Momoshiro whined, totally reversing his position now that his rival was brought into the hypothetical. He didn't want to be eaten but there was no way he was going to let anyone think Kaidoh was better than him in any way. "I bet he's bland and tasteless since he only eats healthy food."
"That just means he's more nutritious! Look at that boy." Eiji gestured. "He's all lean muscle, not an ounce of fat on that body! I bet he can satisfy all three of our hunger for several days."
"Che. So can I."
"No, you can't. There's no meat on your bones. You're just a tall, scraggly beanpole."
"Maa... it doesn't matter. No one's really eating anyone," Oishi pointed out before Momoshiro could strip off his shirt to convince them of his worthiness to be eaten first.
There was a long silence, in which Oishi thought the matter dropped. The three stood on the sidelines watching the others play and Oishi took a drink of his water, finally remembering his prior thirst.
"I bet Echizen would make a tasty morsel."
Oishi sputtered and coughed violently as water went down the wrong way. There were just too many things wrong with that statement.
"Eh? How so? He's so chibi!"
"The best things come in small packages," Momoshiro quoted. "Besides, he's always drinking that Ponta. The sugar's probably inbred in his system."
Eiji laughed hysterically as a thought struck him. "That means Inui's safe, since he drinks all that yucky Inui Juice nya! Everyone would rather die than eat him."
"You never know. I have a sneaking suspicion Kaidoh secretly has a taste for it but just won't admit it," Momoshiro snickered along with him. "Isn't it a little odd how he always ends up losing and having to drink the penal-tea?"
"That's true nya! But mou! We have to get Fuji first!" Eiji suddenly exclaimed, pounding a fist on the flat of his palm.
"What? What do you have against Fuji-senpai?"
"Think about it! He'd somehow find a way to have us destroy each other and then he'd be the last survivor! We can't let him play us like that!"
They shivered. The image of Fuji, smilingly creating discord among the regulars and then sitting by idly while they killed each other, came only too easily. While Inui was a master of data and Tezuka of strategy, Fuji was cunning and ruthless, able to out-manipulate any one of them without even trying. No one who knew Fuji well would put it past him to enjoy the ordeal and his continued presence would be dangerous and creepy, as they wouldn't be able to even sleep for fear of being offed while so vulnerable.
"Okay, a preemptive strike against Fuji-senpai first," Momoshiro agreed. "And then who?"
"Well, I say we save Taka-san till the end since we need someone to chop and handle all the raw meat."
"Ew! That's just nasty, Eiji-senpai!" Momoshiro's stomach threatened to toss up its contents as he suddenly remembered what exactly it was they were talking about. Maybe it wasn't so smart to eat seven cream-filled buns and five cartons of milk for lunch. It definitely wasn't smart to have indulged in curiosity by continuing this conversation up to this point.
Oishi looked similarly sickened, face pale as he raised a hand to his mouth, but Eiji either didn't notice or care that his audience was getting completely grossed out.
"Inui, we can't eat because he'll taste horrible... and his resourcefulness might come in handy nya," Eiji mused. "Kaidoh would be a good second candidate. Then Tezuka, since he won't be entertaining company anyway. Then you, then ochibi..."
"WHAT?! Why me before Echizen? I'm a hundred times more fun to be around than him!"
"But I like him more," Eiji said matter-of-factly. "And he's easier on the eyes."
"Eiji-senpai, you're so cruel."
"You're just upset you don't get to eat ochibi before you die."
"Who's going to die?" Ryoma asked indifferently, having caught the last bit. He swiped his towel from the bench and plopped down in its spot, tilting the brim of his cap back so he could wipe the sweat off his forehead.
"You, me, Fuji-senpai, Tezuka-buchou, and mamushi!" Momoshiro complained loudly. "It's not fair! How come you only save Oishi-senpai? He's the one whose name could be a bad pun of 'delicious'."
"Because we're partners." Eiji smiled smugly as he slung an arm around Oishi companionably. "We got each other's backs nya."
Momoshiro turned to Ryoma and grabbed the younger boy's wrist. "Echizen! You'd let me eat you if we were on the verge of death, right?" he asked desperately, and was rewarded with a sharp thwack as a racket hit his head.
"Itai! Echizen! You didn't need to hit so hard!"
"Yes I did, Momo-senpai. Or else you wouldn't even feel it, what with that thick skull of yours."
"Gah! You could've given me brain damage!"
"Would anyone even notice a difference?" Ryoma smirked.
"ECHIZEN! YOU LITTLE BRAT...!"
"Oishi, let's go get some ice cream nya! All this talk about eating people's made me hungry!"
Massive sweatdrop. "Uh... sure, Eiji."
The End (and there was much rejoicing).
October 17, 2003