Title: Breaking

Author: Brooke

Email: yabbadabbadome13@yahoo.com

Rating: PG

Disclaimer: I got this sweet Porn Star sticker and I put it on my laptop. I own that…the sticker not the laptop. Buffy and friends are owned by Joss, Mutant Enemy, 20th Century Fox, The UPN and whoever else has rights to the show.

Summary: Spike's POV is completely fragmented. It's B/S dwelling and B/X in reality.

Distribution: I don't know why anybody would want this, but if somebody does…sure.

Feedback: Definitely!! Tell me if it sucked or if you liked it. Whatever. Just write back!

Authors Note #1: This is a narrative and I wrote it very quickly, which is why there is a lack of complete sentences. Just telling you in case it got confusing. Also you might want to read "Shifting" and "Beating" to get the full affect.

Authors Note #2: Assume that everything, season 1 through 7, is fair game.

Authors Note #3: There have been some requests for a sequel to this "series". This, I hope isn't a let down. I love the Buffy character and despite that I feel that she *would* kiss Spike if she were with Xander. I think that she leads with her heart and it that what it was pulling her towards, she would do it. Hell, she was technically still "with" Spike when Angel came back to town and she kissed him. I also think that Buffy's reaction to her kissing Spike again, right down to her quilt and her decisions on how to deal with it, probably (hopefully) fit the character that ME presented me with. I want people to read this story and to like it, but I understand if that doesn't happen. I think that ME's big theme (despite all the demons) was realism. You don't always like everything about everybody all the time, and even heroes are human. If you feel bad for Xander or any of the characters, good. They were messed up on the show and they're messed up in this story. So love it, hate it, bitch cuz I drop Spike's "h's" cuz it helps get the accent across in a way that I like, whatever :-) But here it is…

This is archived at my group The Unattainable:

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*****

"Tell me you love me."

*****

She was upset.

We were out in the field training 'er mini-me's in the art of staking a vampire. I.E., me. It was a good time, too. Like the ol' days with me and Buffy going at it full force. She punched me in the face and I flew a good ten feet at least. I knocked 'er one in retaliation – the vamp in me just wouldn't let the Slayer get me like that. But that's not what she was out there.

But when she turned with the blow, which I made harder than I needed to, and then stood straight to look at me…there was no Slayer. I realized that. Buffy wasn't there training Slayer and Vampire with me. She wasn't showing the trainees 'ow to defeat a common foe in the line of a Slayer's mortal enemies. No…when she turned and looked at me, hair blowing all every which way in the night breeze – disheveled by our tousling…it was Buffy there.

Yes, she 'ad the strength of a Slayer, but when she 'it me it wasn't for that. She damn near broke my bleedin jaw for 'er merry pleasure, was what she did. She was pissed, for some odd reason, probably one that was 'er fault…

Bloody 'ell, I'm not even fooling myself.

She's miffed 'cause of the fact that two nights ago she kissed me again. *She kissed me*. Hardly my fault and most definitely doesn't warrant me having to be 'er bleedin punching bag. That why I knocked 'er one. I'm my own man – and this bird isn't going to take it from me…

She kicked me at that point: square in the berries and I doubled over. Slayer strength was behind that too, and I couldn't 'elp but recall a time when she used to love those bits. I would have called foul, but the fact that she followed it up with a roundhouse to my temple shut me up. She was going no 'olds barred for this lesson like I 'ad tried to go after 'er…like she was upset that she probably wished I would.

Maybe…I should so hope, shouldn't I?

You'd think the answer would be yes, instead of this ambiguity that I have at the whole situation. I can't say I feel bad about it, so much as numb. I call it numb simply because I don't like seeing that what *she* did is ripping 'er apart inside. And she hasn't even made mention to 'er boy about it. In fact, now he's got what ever bug she did…after that night when the wank got back I can imagine why. Flu or not, I 'eard 'im and Buffy goin at it all bleedin night. I know all 'er house guests 'eard too. She probably felt bad for 'er infidelity…needed to make it up to 'im somehow. I do 'ave to congratulate the boy that he knows when to just suck it up and not ask questions. 'er knight in shining white armor proved he's a man sometimes too; not looking a gift horse in the mouth.

He was supposed to go out with us tonight, but he's got a bug. Probably worth every minute of it, too, considering 'ow he picked it up and the fact that now he's got the Slayer catering to 'is every beck and call. If you've never watched the woman you love spoon feed soup to another man while sitting in 'is lap, you'll be better off for it. It was like a train wreck that I couldn't walk away from. Made me wonder that if I were mortal and she were mine if she would do the same for me…she would be mine.

But he stayed home. Almost wished he were 'ere because then Buffy wouldn't have grabbed me by the shoulders, hauled me to my feet and then flipped me over 'er head. Even in the air I could feel the lack of effort the move took 'er, and then I could feel a rock digging into my back…she was probably aiming for it, what with the way she was acting.

That's when she went from pissed to upset. There was a distinct difference in the two, because before where there was just anger, now there was guilt and shame.

I 'ad landed on the ground. Buffy 'ad decided to show a way to go in for the easy kill. A round off that left 'er straddling my sprawled form and I couldn't 'eld myself when I leered up at 'er. Starting at 'er legs, thighs, up past 'er hips…those leather pants, tank top and I could see 'er bra…then that predatory look in 'er eyes. I loved that look…then again, I loved 'er, so what do you want? Then she dropped down, sitting on my hips and pinning my shoulders hard to the ground.  Hair was tossed over one shoulder and she was looking at me. Not smiling, not frowning, just looking…looking hard and the slightest bit coldly and I just kept still beneath 'er…

"Are we supposed to kill vampires like that?"

Bleedin tactless intruding teenagers…

Buffy jumped off of me and I pushed myself from the ground and straightened my coat. She was saying something about actually dusting a vamp in that position. I was thinking that the position she was just in was conducive to anything as dry as dust… Then she said that they were calling it a night and nobody argued. The walk home was in silence and I 'ad tried to walk next to 'er, but she said then the only four words she muttered the whole rest of the night to me. "Go watch the back." So I did…if that's what she wanted, so be it.

Never really been much a fan of teenagers, especially the squealing high pitched sound of girls laughing and reaching the house was a welcomed relief. That says a lot since that place is the closet thing to 'ell that I actually want to see ever. The S.i.T's dispersed for showers and snacks and whatever else they do as soon as we got in the door. Well, actually, by the time I got in the door, it was blaringly obvious that it was my job to secure the house for the night as Buffy had already disappeared somewhere.

Somewhere…right. Buffy went to find Xander 'cause she was upset and that's who she went to when she was. Not too long ago, even after she took up screwing 'im, she would still come down to the basement when something was bothering 'er. Work or training.  Dawn or fighting with Giles. One of 'er girls who she couldn't name, sometimes, to my delight, she'd come 'cause of Harris too. Seems they could still get under each other's skin, and a part of me saw a rift as the beginning of a canyon…and my opening…

But now she was frustrated and I had seen neither hide nor hair of 'er. Bloody well then. Good. Let 'im deal with 'er mood swings if he wants 'er so goddamned badly.

I passed them in the kitchen. He was giving 'er a taste of the soup that he 'ad just reheated and smiling all love sick with 'is '\hand under 'er chin to catch any excess. I turned my head and fought the urge to make a lewd comment. My head was still pounding from earlier and it didn't seem worth it to be hit again. Funny 'ow it probably would have been Xander's retaliation that time around – may be a man, but he was 'er knight first, has to defend 'er honor.

I was at the basement door, pulling it shut a crack behind me when I 'eard 'er make the demand. I was leaving 'er a silent invitation for 'er to come down. Talk. Work this out between us 'because I didn't want 'er to be in pain…and she wants that poof to tell 'er something he's bleedin said every soddin day. She knows that he does, bloody everybody knows. And she knows that I can still 'ear 'em.

Always the bitch. 'eartless and cold and so beautiful and selfless and perfect…

*****

"I love you Buffy. You know that…"

*****

I stopped on the first step and I know she 'eard me pause. Just didn't care, that's all. Used to be a time when she would. Of course, Buffy only ever said it the once, but that was enough. I just needed to be told once that she cared and I'd believe 'er for an eternity. She wanted 'im to say it, and more importantly she wanted me to 'ear it.

I hate that bint so much that I love 'er. I love 'er so much that I hate 'er. I want 'er to die and I want 'er to live forever just so that I 'ave enough time to do both sufficiently. Make 'er feel half of what I do…half of what she's put me through.

'er question, even more than the beating she just inflicted on me, made me sink down onto the top step, and pulled out my cigarettes. Buffy always said 'Go all the way downstairs if you're going to smoke, Spike. Just because they won't kill you doesn't mean we should all have to suffer.'

'er boy had said that making them all suffer was the purpose of my existence, and then suggested that I'd learn to quit if he got holy Marlboro's. I wanted to rip 'is fucking throat out, but Buffy laughed at 'is joke…at my expense, and even through it all, just the sound of it calmed me.

I'd smoke where I dam well please. Suffering was the bloody point of 'er existence, not mine. Making me listen to 'em…

I didn't focus on the whispers 'cause I really didn't want to be able to discern what they might be saying. I know I 'eard a kiss – a long one. One of the lil Slayers interrupted it though and it made me reconsider their value. The girl commented, somewhat snidely, that they were all really tired and looking forward to a decent night's sleep and made mention of a noise ordinance for the house that Dawn was petitioning for. She had emphasized 'sleep' and that made me smile. She could probably tell that Buffy and 'er lap dog had a big evening planned, and I couldn't help but smile.

I wondered if she fucked 'im while he made love to 'er…like I did. I wondered if she even knew 'ow to – not to express the feeling, but to actually feel it. Anybody could learn 'ow to act in love, the courageous didn't have to. That's what made me a hero long before I got a soul back. Even when I was evil I let myself love 'er. She was sent from Heaven and still can't do that.

Buffy didn't sound the least bit amused when she reminded the girl of a Ramada in about a fifteen minute walk from here. I took another drag and shut my eyes when I 'eard the girl stomp out of the kitchen and leave them alone again.

I like to think that 'er training session earlier left 'er hot…that I turned 'er on, but, as was completely in my control, left 'er all fired up with nowhere to go. She was horny and therefore the night was a success…but something about 'er tone and demeanor made me think that it was more than that tonight. She sounded…I don't even know…all I know, could hope for Xander's sake, was that she was upset and he 'ad better make 'er feel better. If he ever hurt 'er, I'd kill him, soul or not.

But would I 'ave to ever do that. She'd surely break 'is 'eart first. Xander was the one who put 'is out there for 'er to stomp on and Buffy surely would. She wouldn't talk to me about the kiss and it was becoming apparent that she wouldn't confide that in him either. She was 'olding back and that would loose 'im for 'er. Countless times Xander had said that he loved 'er, whispered it to 'er personally and announced it aloud regardless of who was around, expressed it when they were alone. He was there whenever she needed 'im. But for what? Buffy never once found it in 'er 'eart to even write it back. She didn't deserve 'im, but she 'ad 'im all the same.

She's leading 'im deeper and deeper into 'er based on a lie, 'cause I know…I know that she knows that if she kissed me once. Just one time after 'er boy has been professing 'is eternal devotion to 'er, that she's prime to do it again. She wants to do it again because *I* can make 'er feel. Must be the closet to feeling it and yearning to say it she's come since my ponce grand sire.

That's why she'll never tell Harris. He'd leave 'er because he hates me, and I can still have 'is girl. That's why she doesn't want to be around me. That's why she was so thrown by the comment tonight…that wasn't 'ow she would slay a vampire, that was 'ow she would get to *me*…only me. And I'd laugh at 'er tears when 'er lie broke 'er apart inside.

It must be the most dulling feeling to know what love is and never experience it first hand… to…

Just above a whisper. Emotional and tear-filled and a part of me reared up – wanted to break through the door and out 'er. The lying cheating bitch. I knew just one kiss could ruin them and my body jerked to scream about it from the rooftops and break 'er 'eart because she deserved it…I deserved 'er, but I just sat. Maybe what she shared with me was just a taste of what I'd never 'ave – telling me that even redemption didn't secure me paradise, and that was the last I'd ever taste of 'er. I wish she'd never kissed me and left it open – not sealed my fate. Not two days ago, not that first time those years ago. I wish I'd never known 'ow much*I* love 'er.

*****

"I love you too, Xander."

*****

I wish I didn't know that I'd never 'ave 'er.

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The End