DISCLAIMER: All characters are the property of Joss Whedon et al.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Another short companion to Throwback. Angel and Faith have been turned into small children; Wesley and Cordelia take care of them. This fic is Liam's POV… suspend your disbelief for a minute about a four year old being able to talk this much, and just enjoy…
SUMMARY: Four year old Liam's take on girls, vampires, popsicles, and Saturday morning cartoons.
Da says never hit girls, not even if they're ugly. Faith is real ugly. Her hair is shiny. It wants me to pull it. Really!
Wes doesn't believe me. He thinks I'm making things up, but Faith's hair really did tell me to pull it. Just looked right at me and said "Pull me, Liam m'boy." Stupid hair. So shiny and dark and pretty in an ugly kind of way.
Cordy has shiny hair too, but it doesn't want me to pull it. Cordy would scream if I did, and Cordy screams real loud. She screams like a girl, but Cordy's not a girl. She's Cordy, and that's real different from being a girl.
Faith is maybe a girl. Maybe not. She kinda looks like a girl, in an ugly, pretty sort of way. I can't hit her. I wouldn't hit Faith anyway, not even cause she's ugly and girly. She's my best wench.
I know a song about wenches. Faith says it's not a real song, but what does she know, cause she's a girl and ugly and she doesn't even 'member about home and Da. Faith says she's never been to my home. It's kinda fuzzy sometimes. There was Da, and he was big and I was his big boy, and there was Ma, and she was soft and I was her sweet boy. I think there was Faith, too, but Faith says no.
Faith has a big mouth sometimes.
Like yesterday, when Wesley-who's-not-a-pussy tried to take away her knife, Faith was real loud. Then she gave me the knife. I like knives. You can stab things with them. Stab-stab-stab! And they're shiny. Like Faith's hair, which wants me to pull it.
Wes wanted me to give him the knife. I said no, and Wes gave me his grrrr look. Then he gave me a popsicle, and I gave him the knife, cause I wanted to eat something and knives don't taste real good. The popsicle was cold and swizzled in my mouth. I stuck my tongue out at Faith.
She looked real scared for a second. I dunno why. That happens sometimes. Someone hurt my Faith. For a long time, they hurt my Faith. She told me about it, but it's a secret. If the Momma finds out that Faith told me, Faith is gonna die. The Momma said so.
I'm not sure who the Momma is. I think she might be my Faith's ma, but maybe not. I wouldn't let her kill my Faith. I'd hit her, even if she was a girl, but I don't think the Momma is a girl. I think she's a monster.
Sometimes I dream about monsters with big teeth that bite things. Sometimes I bite things, like straws and this big guy named Riley's leg. He tasted baaaaaad.
I sang a song about it. The Leg Song.
Ohhhhhhh…. This is the leg song. It's about a leg, a real ugly leg. It tasted bad. Nasty legs and sheep with glaives.
I like sheep. They're white and fluffy. Kind of like Buffy. She reminds me of a sheep. I told her that, and she got all weird. Baaaaaaaaaa.
Buffy looks at me weird a lot, and she calls me Angel. I'm not an angel. Just ask Wesley.
Wanna know a secret? Sometimes I pretend I'm Wes, when he's not looking. I talk funny, and I use big words, and I fight and go waaaahtah. Faith says Wes doesn't go waaaahtah, but when Faith plays Cordy, she says waaaahtah, and Cordy doesn't say waaaahtah either.
Faith and I think Wes and Cordy should get married. No kissing, though! That would be gross.
One time, I kissed Faith. She smacked me and then kissed me back. My Faith is weird.
I sang a song about kissing once. This lady named Anya helped me with it. It was about kissing and inflatable sheep and something called the Kammmmaaaa Suuutraa or something like that. It was my best song ever, but Wesley turned bright red.
I remember kissing other girls besides my Faith. Isn't that weird? I don't even like girls, cause you can't hit them, even if they're ugly. Faith and Cordy aren't girls, I don't think.
This one time, I kissed a girl, only I wasn't me. I was big, and she kissed me, and my lips were all tingly and everything was perfect. Yuck. Then everything was black, no night light or anything, and then, everything was screaming and sharp and it hurt real bad.
Sometimes, I think I kissed Buffy. I think she maybe killed me, but Faith says that's stupid cause I'm still alive and kicking. Plus she says Buffy is big, and do I like her better than Faith?
Faith gets scared that I won't like her sometimes, but I say that's dumb. She's my Faith, my best wench, and I'm her best wanker.
Faith has a big mouth. She can yell real loud. Sometimes, we see who can yell bad words the loudest.
I always win.
Wes and Cordy don't like that game very much.
Now, Faith and I are watching cartoons, and there's this cartoon vampire who wants me to buy his cereal. Cordy won't buy any sugary cereal anymore, cause Faith and I play-play-played with the stapler last time, and Wes couldn't put his arm in his jacket anymore.
Faith just threw a pillow at the screen. She doesn't like vampires very much, except for Uncle Spike. Uncle Spike eats people. He tells great stories, like about the one where the princess, the Big Bad, and the knight fight the dragon and then the Big Bad eats the knight and the princess can't resist him and the dragon dances with some sheep and they all live happily ever after the end. I like that story.
When I think of vampires, I don't think of Spike or the cartoon. I think of a lady who looks sorta like Buffy only not so fluffy, but I like her anyway. Isn't that weird? I think she used to sing with me, but I don't know. Things are fuzzy sometimes.
"Hey Faith," I say, "let's play Bad Words."
"Okay," my Faith says. "I'll go first." She takes a deep breath. "BASTARD!" she yells.
"Faith!" Cordy yells from another room, but I have to say a word cause now it's my turn and I can't let Faith win!
"BLOODY SODDING HELL!" I yell real loud.
"Liam!" Cordy yells.
That's my name. Liam O'Connor. Faith doesn't know her last name, so I said she could share mine.
Faith O'Connor sounds kinda good, in an ugly kind of way.
THE END… I hope you liked it… maybe I'll do one for Faith too… what think you?