Disclaimer: I got this sweet Porn Star sticker and I put it on my laptop. I own that…the sticker not the laptop. Buffy and friends are owned by Joss, Mutant Enemy, 20th Century Fox, The UPN and whoever else has rights to the show.
Summary: Spike's POV is completely fragmented. It's B/S dwelling and B/X in reality.
Distribution: I don't know why anybody would want this, but if somebody does…sure.
Feedback: Definitely!! Tell me if it sucked or if you liked it. Whatever. Just write back!
Authors Note #1: This is a narrative and I wrote it very quickly, which is why there is a lack of complete sentences. Just telling you in case it got confusing. Also you might want to read "Shifting", "Beating", and "Breaking" to get the full affect.
Authors Note #2: Assume that everything, season 1 through 7, is fair game.
Authors Note #3: There have been some requests for a sequel to this "series". This, I hope isn't a let down. I love the Buffy character and despite that I feel that she *would* kiss Spike if she were with Xander. I think that she leads with her heart and it that what it was pulling her towards, she would do it. Hell, she was technically still "with" Spike when Angel came back to town and she kissed him. I also think that Buffy's reaction to her kissing Spike again, right down to her quilt and her decisions on how to deal with it, probably (hopefully) fit the character that ME presented me with. I want people to read this story and to like it, but I understand if that doesn't happen. I think that ME's big theme (despite all the demons) was realism. You don't always like everything about everybody all the time, and even heroes are human. If you feel bad for Xander or any of the characters, good. They were messed up on the show and they're messed up in this story. So love it, hate it, bitch cuz I drop Spike's "h's" cuz it helps get the accent across in a way that I like, whatever :-) But here it is…
This is archived at my group The Unattainable:
Have you ever watched a bloke's heart break?
No…no, not break – that's an understatement. 'ave you ever watched a bloke's heart explode in is chest and shatter? Watched him and pinpointed the exact moment that 'is soul left 'is body?
If not, I highly recommend it. Quite refreshing especially since I've still got that bloody chip in my head I can't physically take a soul. Next best thing though.
Words…just an idle comment that I was fully aware would turn 'is bleedin world on its axis.
"I love you too, Xander."
Two days ago…two soddin days ago that bit…Buffy. Two days ago Buffy told Xander that she loved him. Said it for the first time out loud for me to hear. That's what she wanted – to convince 'erself I would have to be there to hear it. Not real if my acknowledgment doesn't fortify it.
Still, I should have been the second. I was the second. Captain Forehead then me. Riley can sod off because both she and I know that whatever she felt for the tin man was born directly from fear of being alone. Both she and I know that at the end of the day she doesn't want a warm body to cuddle up to. If she did she wouldn't keep coming back. That's why I told 'im – for 'is own good to know.
Sure hearing 'em…listening to Buffy tell 'im that she loved 'im, letting those words accompany 'er actions and get accustomed to exposing it all…all of that…it broke something in me.
That first night the crack formed. Those were *my* words that she just gave to *him*…my heart. I kept my wits, though. Sitting at the top of those stairs for so long listening to the sound of my heart screaming in my mind, that I didn't even hear 'em leave the room. All I remembered was listening carefully for any sounds that might float down from Buffy's room and give away what I knew they were doing.
It was quiet that night, but I could just make out the sound of 'er breathing…and 'is. Panting out in union sometimes, sporadically asymmetrical, others. Found myself outside 'er door. Some devine power forced me up there because I'd claw my own eyes out before I'd go up there on my own.
"I love you." Over and over, chanting to 'im…trying so goddamned hard to give everything of 'erself that one time.
The next day wasn't even hell. My heart didn't break because of what she did. Would never give 'er the satisfaction again. So when I saw 'er that morning I didn't even speak. I stood still and watched 'er move around the, as of yet, empty kitchen.
Usually either she or Xander would get up early to get dibs on breakfast for the two of 'em. I knew it was 'er turn to scavenge before the hoards of 'er mini-me's descended, so I made sure I was waiting.
Didn't even pass me a glance. Just poured 'er juice and buttered 'is toast. I wondered if she felt empty, like me. She was shining in the morning sun while I tried to avoid it, and I wondered if she felt what I did…shame as the night before. For me, shame that I 'ad listened to 'er. For 'er, shame at what brought the night on…that she knew that she needed to tell him that she loved him. Knew that she couldn't hold back like she 'ad done with 'er soldier and cuddle up with the confidence that as long as she kept shagging 'im, everything would be fine. She's lost lovers befire, never friends…anything to not be alone.
Sad really. Living on complete fear like she was, and she couldn't even look up…not at me. She did when Xander clambered down the stairs though. Smiled but didn't let it reach 'er eyes – not in front of me. She wanted to keep me and 'er boy apart, and nither he nor I 'ad a problem with that.
I rolled my eyes at the customary glare, but still said nothing while he said 'is good mornings to 'er. "How are you feeling?" A light brush of the lips. "Are you hungry?" 'is hand on the small of 'er back – shadowning 'er, putting 'imself between 'er and me. If only he knew 'ow close I've been…'ow recently I've been there. I want to tell 'im again while I watch Buffy giggle and shrug away when he kissed 'er neck.
She never giggled for me…
Indifference is my staple…now it hurts because I'm putting up a bloody charade of it. Seething under the smirk. Watching Xander as he shuffled to the fridge scratching 'is bare chest. 'er neck, where he just kissed, I bit. Me. My mouth on 'er, making 'er scream because that's where she wanted it. On 'er first. On 'er forever.
Know that, Xander Harris, while you mention that you want hot chocolate and Buffy sets about playing some sort of twisted Suzie Homemaker and preparing it. Know that everyting that she has ever revealed to you, I 'ad first, can have again, and can have forever…if I so choose.
Buffy's got no choice in the matter because 'er heart gave itself to me silently, and 'er body…much more voraciously. I have it in my power to make it happen again.
"There a problem, Spike?" Xander's voice held no sense of worry at my answer, only a slight bite that was meant to tell me to leave.
"Not at all, mate." I didn't move and matched 'is tone. Watched him watch me cut my eyes over to 'is 'girlfriend' and let them run over 'er body – wearing 'is boxers, obviously, but rolling 'em up to expose 'er thighs on the bottom and 'er waist above.
Buffy felt me…my eyes on 'er, and she tensed with 'er back still to me.
"Just watching our girl."
Xander certainly didn't know what it felt like to feel an intense malaise so blinding that it swallowed your whole existence. He 'ad never *not* felt where Buffy was involved and that was part of being in love…I knew.
That's why Buffy couldn't love 'im. She 'ad felt nothing for him, not like he for 'er…and I…I 'ad 'er innate God given attention. She would always feel for me until she ceased to exist…maybe beyond that.
His eyes snapped, "She's not *our* girl, Spike."
If he was so secure in that fact that much conviction wouldn't be necessary.
"She's *my* girl."
"Sure she is, mate."
He didn't like that either and that made me smile. If he wanted to go toe-to-toe with me over Buffy, I'd tell the boy things about the Slayer that still make me blush. Not out of a heartless evil glee, but because he deserved to know. He shifted to 'is left where Buffy was pretending to be rinsing off silverware, so that I couldn't see 'er.
"Why don't you go fu…"
"Xander." My tarnished savior. She cut 'im off for 'erself more than me because she knew she knew now not to let us square off – knew she was lucky thus far. "Hot cocoa." She held out the mug to 'im with a sickingly sweet pout.
The fact that mortal men fell for that was proof positive as to why they bored 'er out of the relationship so quickly.
"Luv." I smirked at 'er boy and spoke to 'er. "Why don't you make me a cup."
"Why don't *I* so *you* the wonders of getting the morning paper to read with it."
Oh, Xander Harris. The boy will always be an idiot. So sure in the fact that I couldn't hurt 'im. Love can bring back innocence just as surely as hate could destroy it.
"Come now, Harris." I knew that he wanted to punch the smile off of my face, ans Buffy looked almost terrified beside 'im. Wondering what I would say and what he would do. Knowing that she 'ad to intervene for Xander's sake, but knowing that she couldn't for the same reasons. He hated it when she defended me.
"The lil misses doesn't like you mouthing off to me. Hurt my feelings. Tell 'im Buffy."
"Go downstairs Spike."
I smiled because 'er non-answer was plenty affirmative response for me. I stood up and eyed them. Xander was shielding 'er again, and Buffy was letting 'im…she was hiding.
"Should I leave the door open for you, Pet?"
She 'ad controlled me for far too long. It felt good to make 'er sacred again…to know that 'er heart was thundering in 'er chest because of me.
"No." Xander's voice was still very even, a sure sign of annoyance bordering on rage. "Shut it, lock it, put the dryer in front of it…"
"We should talk, Buffy." I cut him off and he looked me dead in the eyes. I dropped my voice to an unnecessary whisper. "…about what happened…"
I caught Xander's questioning glance at my stantement and Buffy's anguished response and I turned to face 'im fully. "Funny thing, mate." I addressed 'im neutrally even though I was celebrating my control again.
Buffy's voice was warning and pleading when she tried to deter me from what she was hoping against hope wasn't coming. I'm beneath 'er…No…she's beneath 'im. She's right on my level. Not good or evil, not darl or light…a mediocre gray.
"Your girl, there, still as a little bit of a thing for the Big Bad."
She sucked in a breath and Xander glared and told me to go to Hell. I told 'im I'd take 'er with me… 'im too when it came down to it. He said that I wasn't going to take 'er anywhere. Funny 'ow he didn't mention 'imself, and the twisted pang of sympathy that I 'ad about what I was doing…but oh, I was going to enjoy it.
He said that if I eever touched 'er again, so help 'im, there wouldn't be enough of me left to fir into a zip-lock.
"What if she touched me?"
Listen to 'is heart stop.
"Spike," Buffy's voice warbled, "Just…"
"Wot?" I'm just letting your Joe Normal know that…" The second she lashed out and hit me…sent me flying back into the refridgerator with a sickening crack, he knew. Xander knew and I heard 'is heart break. I sat up, not in a rage, but quite the opposite.
"Know what?" Xander still wanted to hear it. A sorry glutton for punishment.
"She kissed me." I answered simply. "Isn't that right Slayer?"
'er cheeks were reddening and 'er eyes were wide, close to tears, and I 'ad never felt more alive in 'er pain. "Two days ago, was it? Is this real for you, now, Buffy?"
Xander was looking at 'er and she was crying, but he made no move to consoul.
"Did you love 'im then, pet?" Or do you love 'im now because you knew he'd find out and you thought that would keep 'im. It won't. He's already leaving you. 'is heart exploded and I watched the exact second that it happened…the moment when 'is golden goddess was slain in 'is mind because he knew 'er silence meant that that it was all true – just like when I 'ad told 'in that I 'ad slept with 'er.
I was bathing in their pain and for the first time in months I could really feel again. "Tell your boy, luv. Tell 'im was he knew was coming…that he's not what you want…"
Despite everything that I was saying she reached out to touch 'im through 'er tears.
"I love you…I…"
He pulled away. He fought himself and took a step back from 'er questing finger tips and she jerked away. She could feel 'is disgust as heavily as I could. I was standing beside 'em, watching the carnage I 'ad caused.
My face was throbbing from 'er blow just seconds before, but 'er pain far overshadowed it…made it melt into a sort of pleasure for me.
The grown man's voice cracked and I *knew* the exact second I took Xander Harris' soul.