Sirius' Cure For Wedding Nerves
Vague sequel to Sirius' Cure For Exam tension.
Summary: Here's what happens when you let someone like Sirius be your Best Man. . . .
Disclaimer: Not mine, dammit.
It was summer. Remus Lupin had finished university for the year, and had spent the past three days in a kind of happy daze on the patio in the garden of the block of flats, where he resided with his long-term lover Sirius Black. The faint sounds of something hard-rock-ish washed over him from the open window, and he knew Sirius was finally back home. Remus' lover had been visiting the newly-engaged James Potter and Lily Evans, leaving Remus alone with his thoughts. Remus had no objections to this. While he loved Sirius dearly, it was possible to overdose.
Remus stretched cat-like on the deckchair, then clambered to his feet and wandered into the flat. Sirius was dancing to Metallica, which was something truly awesome to behold. Remus beheld it for all of five seconds, before clearing his throat loudly to attract attention. Sirius turned the music off and leaped on him.
"Ouch!" said Remus, sprawling painfully on the floor with a Sirius on top of him.
"Sorry, Moony!" Sirius grinned down at him. "GUESS WHAT?"
Remus tried to guess by imagining himself with Sirius' kind of mind. "You met the Minister For Magic and he told you that the aliens have a top secret message for you?"
"Well I'm flummoxed then."
"Ha ha, you said flummoxed!"
Remus raised one eyebrow, which sent Sirius into fits of giggles for a while. When he had recovered, he poked Remus on the nose.
"We've already done this one, Sirius dear. You were about to tell me what, I think."
"Oh. Well, James is getting married!"
"I hadn't finished. James is getting married and he asked me to be his best man!"
Remus was stunned for a second. He knew James and Sirius were the best of friends, and had been since the age of eleven, but this was still quite a surprise. James was usually so sensible when it came to knowing what it was a good idea to let Sirius do. Sirius was what Remus tactfully referred to as an eccentric. He was one of the most intelligent people Remus had ever come across, yet had the common sense of a four-year-old, which isn't much. His imagination never ran away with him - it had long ago tied him up and kept him locked in it's mobile home, so there was no real need. He was scatty, flighty, unorthodox, random, crazy, barmy, and downright barking mad. On the surface. While Remus knew that, underneath, Sirius was a kind, sensitive, reliable human being, he also knew that the surface was more of a crust. It took a lot to break that crust. The last time it had happened, Remus had had the task of explaining to his parents the nature of his and Sirius' relationship, but while their best friends' wedding was just as important, it was more likely to get Sirius into one of his hyperactive cycles. In short, he could be expected to mess it all up.
"Isn't it great?" said Sirius, bouncing up and down on Remus' stomach. The werewolf groaned and pushed Sirius off him, before climbing to his feet.
"Yeah, Sirius," he said, forcing enthusiasm. "It's really. . .Excellent!"
Sirius gazed at him. "You hoped it'd be you?" he asked, squinting in what he probably thought was a shrewd way.
"No," said Remus, and it wasn't a lie. He'd just hoped it would be anyone but Sirius. Oh dear, Jamie-boy, what have you done. . . ? "Honestly, Sirius, this is great. So, er, do you have a suit or anything yet? You ought to start getting ready, the big day is in a couple of months and. . ."
"We've got bags of time, Moony!"
Sirius bounced away into the kitchen. Remus trotted after him and watching curiously as he made lunch. Sirius' cooking was invariably good, but it was easier to eat if you didn't know what was in it. However, a kind of sick curiosity compelled Remus to stand there the whole time, watching eggs, flour, potatoes, chocolate, custard, oranges, marmite, fish and some microwave pizza come together to make what would, despite all evidence, taste like an ambrosia. But something was slightly wrong. As he watched, it took Remus a long time to realise what it was.
"Have you forgotten something, Sirius?"
The dark man looked round, frowning slightly. "Don't think so, Moony. . ."
"I think you have. You've missed out an ingredient."
"I can't have, I've never made. . .this before."
"Yes, but, there's no pineapple in it."
Sirius stared. "Why should there be pineapple, Moony?"
"Er." Remus found this very hard to answer. "Because you've never cooked without it," was the best he could do.
Sirius walked across to Remus and put his hands palms-down on the werewolf's shoulders. "Remus, dear, today is the day. I woke up this morning and came to an important decision. I have gone Cold Pineapple. So I would be glad if you didn't mention that fruit to me again."
"Because it's time for me to break away, Moony!" Sirius struck a dramatic pose. "I have to give up the intense, fruity. . .delicious. . . Pineapple. It is a sin to enjoy something so much!"
"Sin." Said Remus blankly. "Since when have you been bothered about sin? We live in sin, shall I leave?"
"Don't be over-dramatic," said Sirius Black, Queen of Drama. "I just have to prove I can do things I don't want to or find difficult, see?"
A small grin flittered across Remus' face and he raised an eyebrow. "You want to prove to yourself that you can live without pineapple."
"Yes." Sirius looked at Remus out of the corners of his eyes, then finally admitted, "It was Lily's idea, okay? She said I have to prove I'm not incontinent."
Remus stared wide-eyed. "I'm sure she must have said *incompetent* Sirius. . ."
The werewolf relaxed slightly. "Okay, okay, I won't say anything about pi. . .that fruit. And I'll help you sort out this Best Man thing, you'll need to write a speech and find a suit and. . ."
Sirius pounced on him once more and they fell back onto the couch. "Thank you, Moony! You're the best."
Remus smiled up at the shaggy-haired, beaming man, and gave Sirius a quick kiss on the nose. Sirius responded by leaning in to give Remus a long, passionate kiss which lasted some time. After a while, Remus broke away. "Excuse me a moment," me muttered, and ran into the bedroom. There had been something missing from that kiss. Something Remus discovered he needed.
In the bedside cabinet was a small tin. Within the tin were some small, yellowish chunks.
Remus gulped down the pineapple, sighed contentedly, and ran back into the living room.