Rating: R (to be on the safe side)
Spoilers: Nothing specific. But anything up to episode #52 is fair game.
Summary: [Miroku/Kagome] Kagome needs a favor. Miroku is just the monk to help her. Shockingly bad behavior ensues!
Disclaimer: You know how in Samurai Jack, Jack's clothes are always getting ripped off? Does that happen a lot to Miroku? No? Yeah, that's cause I got no ownership. More's the pity.
Mea Culpa: So this is totally self-betad. Any errors are therefore completely and totally my fault. I just hope to God everyone's name is spelled right. Welcome to my paranoia.
Chapter One: In which our hero daydreams and an offer is made in jest.
Miroku lay on his back, hands cradling his head, and watched the clouds drift slowly by. It was a luxury the young monk did not often have. The prayer beads wrapped around his left hand were reminder enough of that. But a demon had been defeated, a village had been saved, and a jewel shard had been collected. The sky was a perfect shade of blue, the grass was soft, and the gently buzzing insects were harmless. All that could change by tomorrow, or even in the next few hours. Right now, however, Miroku's biggest concern was figuring out if that one cloud looked more like two fish swimming or a young woman with reality-defying breasts.
He had finally decided that if he squinted just right the woman won, when he heard someone approaching. Turning his head slightly he saw Kagome cresting the hill. Unfortunately the wind decided to die down so her short kimono behaved. But on the good side she wasn't running or screaming or showing any of the usual signs of impending doom, so he figured his lazy day was safe for the moment.
"Digesting?" she called out as she made her way towards him.
"I don't think I'll ever have to eat again!" The villagers had been very grateful. And very good cooks. "Please tell me we aren't leaving yet."
"Oh no. They're letting us stay in one of their houses tonight. I just had to get away from all that food."
"Then join me," Miroku offered.
With a quiet sigh, Kagome sat down next to him, pulling her knees up to her chest. It said something about how comfortable he was that Miroku didn't shift to take advantage of the view he knew her position and outfit provided. Instead he closed his eyes, letting the soft wind blow errant strands of hair across his forehead, and put his imagination to work.
"It's beautiful here," Kagome said after a while.
"Mmm." Miroku kept his eyes closed and tried to settle on a color of undergarments. Pink was always good, but there was something about purple. Had he ever seen Kagome in purple? He could hear her shifting beside him.
"You were really amazing this morning."
Purple it was then. With little pink hearts maybe? What Kagome just said registered. Miroku opened his eyes and stared up at her blankly.
"Against the wasp demon," she added helpfully.
"Oh. Um." Confused, Miroku fell back on good manners. "Thank you."
"I mean, you fought really well," Kagome said earnestly. "You're very good with your staff."
And there were a number of ways Miroku could take THAT particular statement, but he wrestled down the temptation to run with the opening offered and settled for a simple thank you. "I've had years of training," he couldn't help adding. Then he felt himself make a suggestive leer. With a wince, he braced himself for the slap he knew was coming.
The slap that Kagome would deliver any second now. As soon as she finished stretching herself out beside him and staring deeply into his eyes. As soon as she finished glancing down at his mouth, moistening her own lips with her little pink tongue. "I can tell," she said, nodding solemnly. "You're always so strong and sure of yourself."
Miroku eyes widened in shock. Was Kagome trying to...?
"Eep!" Kagome sat up and covered her suddenly flaming red face with her hands. "There's no way I can do this," she stammered.
Stamping down hard on his overactive imagination, because there was no way what he thought had just happened had really just happened, Miroku sat up. "What can't you do, Kagome?"
She mumbled into her hands, and this time he couldn't make out the words. Any twinge of regret for the lazy afternoon he'd been enjoying was swallowed up with worry for the distressed girl in front of him.
"This is so humiliating," she muttered.
"Kagome, please." Miroku used his 'soothing' voice, guaranteed to make the most suspicious of women trust him completely. "You know you can talk to me."
With a deep sigh, Kagome dropped her hands and faced him. "Souta has a girlfriend."
Miroku raised an eyebrow. That statement explained... well... nothing. Wasn't Souta her brother?
"It's not serious or anything," Kagome laughed a little, but it sounded strained. "I mean, they're only nine years old. Well, I think she's ten. But still."
Miroku was now throughly confused. "Your family doesn't approve of the girl?" he ventured.
Kagome waved a hand in dismissal. "Oh, she's fine. A little bossy, but Souta doesn't seem to mind, and Mom has this thing about letting things run their course. And did you know Ayumi has a boyfriend?"
Miroku opened his mouth, could think of nothing to say, and so just quietly shook his head.
Kagome didn't even seem to notice. "Ayumi of all people! She always said that boys would get in the way of her studying, but apparently it only takes one math tutor with amazing eyes to change her philosophy. I mean, so much for self-discipline." She glared at Miroku.
"Um... self-discipline is a good thing?" he tried.
"Oh sure. For the lonely, miserable and depressed, as it turns out. I'm away for a few weeks, and suddenly it's boys, boys, boys! And Souta won't wear a ball cap anymore. Girlfriend's orders. Urgh," she dropped her face into her hands again. "I hate spring," she moaned.
Miroku decided it was time to take control of the conversation. "Kagome." He waited until she looked up at him. "I'm not sure what Souta and your friend have to do with what's bothering you. If you could clarify..." he trailed off uncertainly. Kagome's face was turning an interesting shade of red, her eyes getting impossibly huge.
"I've never kissed a boy!" she blurted out suddenly. "And now even Ayumi has, and when I go home it's all, 'Oh does he do that twisty little thing with his tongue?' or 'Don't you love it when they make that rumbling sound in their chest?' or 'Under the clothes yet, or just over?'. Even Souta is getting some - well a nine year old's version of 'some' anyway - and I'm just this pathetic loser who's trudging around in the Feudal Era, with cute boys who promise me all sorts of stuff, but. Never. Follow. Through!"
Miroku blinked, and Kagome covered her mouth, staring at him in shock
"I... I can't believe I said all that out loud!" she whispered through her fingers.
Frankly, Miroku was in a stage of disbelief as well. Whatever problem he thought she had, this particular one had never occurred to him. With his mind racing he did the only thing he could do: fall back on his training.
"I understand completely, Kagome," he said with a calmness that was not entirely genuine.
"You do?" she squeaked.
"Of course. And I would be honored to tutor you in the finer arts of...," he smiled suggestively, finally back into familiar territory, "physical pleasure."
"Oh, would you?" Kagome said in delight.
Which was what his imagination heard. His way overactive imagination. So her real reply was going to come through any moment now. Any moment.
"Miroku, you are seriously the best friend a girl could have! Oh, you really do understand! This is such a relief." Kagome smiled at him and hopped to her feet.
Okay, so obviously he was hallucinating. He must have hit his head during this morning's battle. He ran his hand over the grass beside him. It felt remarkably real for a hallucination. Which he was having. Apparently that wasp demon had packed quite a wallop.
"I should get back before anyone misses me. How are we going to get enough time away from everyone I wonder? Do you have any ideas? Maybe we could say you're training me, which would be the truth actually." She giggled. "We'll work all that out later. I'm just glad we were able to work this part out. Oh Miroku, thank you!" And then she was running up and over the hill and Miroku was left with the grass and the swiftly gathering clouds and what had to be a very serious head injury.