Title: The Gatrix Revolutions

Rating: PG-13

Spoilers: None

Summary: The machines begin to terrorise Zion, Jack saves Neo and Trinity from a fatal mistake, Agent Smith reveals a crush and Daniel and Sam meet the Rhet-Oracle.

Disclaimer: All publicly recognisable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognised characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead is coincidental and not intended by the author.

Obviously, you all know what The Matrix is, and I certainly don't own any of it, so don't even try to sue me for it. If you're a fan of Blazin' Squad and Liberty X, I apologise.

Details: Humour, Parody, SG-1/The Matrix Reloaded & Revolutions Crossover, Other Pairing.

Archive: My site, Heliopolis, Gateworld, Fanfiction.net, Stargatefan

~ The Gatrix Revolutions ~

Copyright (c) Ruth, 2003

**********

Morpheus ran a hand over his head and groaned inwardly. Zion was in deep trouble and needed help, fast. The only people he could think of were SG-1, and 'The Two.' The only trouble was, he had no way of contacting them. If anything was going to happen, 'The Two' would have to sense it and help them.

Things did not look good.

He went over to the coffee machine and pressed the button for a cappuccino. It made a strange gurgling noise and spat a stream of boiling hot water onto Morpheus' hand.

"Agh!" Morpheus shouted, watching in horror as the coffee machine came to life and growled menacingly at him.

Luckily, Captain Niobi rushed in with an overly large sized gun and promptly blew the coffee machine up.

"Morpheus," she said breathlessly, "Are you okay?"

"The coffee machine!" Morpheus yelled in agony, "Why did they have to take the coffee machine? There's a perfectly good photocopier next door!" He pounded his fists on the table, "Oh, WHY couldn't you take the photocopier, you bastards?"

Niobi frowned and set the overly large sized gun down on the table nearest to her.

"Morpheus, it's just a coffee machine. There will be others."

"BUT IT HAD THE CAPPUCCINO SETTING!" Morpheus wailed, putting his head in his arms.

Niobi fumed with anger, and aimed a slap across his face.

"Morpheus, you idiot! In 24 hours the Sentinels are going to breach the walls of the dock - AND YOU'RE CRYING OVER A FREAKING CAPPUCCINO?"

**********

SG-1 was sitting in the briefing room when Daniel suddenly flinched.

"Dr Jackson?" Hammond asked.

"I...oh, God..."

"Daniel, what is it?" asked Sam in concern.

"Relax," Jack grumbled, "It's probably just that chocolate donut repeating on him. Happens to me all the time. Ya just need a good fart or burp, Danny Boy."

Daniel glared at Jack, his cheeks reddening. "Jack, this is nothing to do with the donut. I had a vision."

"Of what?" Sam asked, still worried about her friend.

"Of Zion." Daniel replied.

"What's happening?" Sam asked, "Do they need our help?"

"Yes," Daniel replied, "Yes, Sam, I think they do."

**********

"Aagh! The condom machine! It's alive!"

Morpheus jumped and sat up, looking outside. Niobi frowned, and picked up her overly large sized gun.

"HELP!"

A man ran past the window, and a condom machine was indeed chasing him.

Niobi leapt up and ran outside, firing at the condom machine. After a few rounds, the machine was down.

"Thank you!" The man cried, "Thank you so much!"

"I suggest you try and stay away from machines," Niobi said, "They're all coming to life - they can feel the Sentinels coming."

The young man smirked suddenly. Niobi sighed.

"If you can make a joke out of the Sentinels..."

"No, ma'am," the man replied, suddenly sincere, "Sorry, ma'am. Thank you for saving my life, ma'am."

He scuttled off into the shadows.

"Niobi!" Morpheus shouted suddenly, "I think that another machine is coming to life!"

**********

"Hello. You have reached The Matrix helpline. If you'd like to purchase 'The One's' nude calendar, press 1. If you're interested in next week's lottery numbers, press 2. If you're lost and looking for directions, press 3. If you'd be interested..."

Daniel groaned loudly. "Just take me to Zion, for goodness' sake!" He yelled.

"Certainly, your Twoness," a voice replied from nowhere, and Daniel felt a breeze fly through his hair and past his face. He soon found himself, Sam, Jack and Teal'c standing in a small room together, with a very unhappy looking Morpheus and a very angry looking chick pointing an overly large sized gun at him.

"Uh...hi," Daniel said, holding up his hands nervously, "You can put that gun down, if you really want..."

"Are you kidding me?" the woman replied, still keeping the gun level with Daniel's head, "You just came out of a freaking condom machine!"

Jack giggled. He couldn't help it.

"Ha! Danny came out of a condom machine..."

Sam elbowed him in the ribs. "So did the rest of us, Jack."

He thought for a moment.

"D'oh!"

Niobi slowly lowered the gun as Morpheus put a hand on her arm.

"It's okay," he said, "Niobi, I'd like you to meet Daniel Jackson. He is 'The One.'"

"How very swish," Niobi replied, her voice laden with sarcasm. "Morpheus, I told you, I don't believe in 'The One', let alone 'The Two.'"

"He is very real," Morpheus assured her. "As real as that man running past the window being chased by a photocopier."

"Aaaagghh!"

The others turned around, and there was indeed a man being chased by a photocopier screaming for help.

Niobi sighed, hauled her gun back up onto her shoulder and ran out of the room to aid the man being chased by a photocopier.

"We're so glad you've come," Morpheus said, "Things are really getting desperate."

"I have to go," Neo said quietly. Trinity looked at him.

"I'm going with you," she replied softly.

"And I'm going with the two of you!" Jack proclaimed loudly, "Or honestly, guys, you'll go blind!"

Daniel shuddered, and Teal'c raised an eyebrow. He began to ask Daniel a question, but Daniel held up his hand mid-sentence.

"Don't...ask...me...to explain that, Teal'c."

**********

"So," Jack grinned, as he sat between Neo and Trinity in the cargo ship, "Where are we going?"

"To the edge of the machine world," Neo said grimly.

"Wow..." Jack said, put on edge by Neo's tone of voice. "So...what are we going to do there?"

"In all likelihood, we will die," Trinity finished.

Jack leapt up out of his chair at the precise moment that Neo lurched the ship upwards, and so promptly fell over.

"Die?" He shouted, "For crying out loud! Nobody told me that I was going to die! I would've had it off with Carter in that convenient storage cupboard if I'd known! D'oh!"

"Perhaps it was better for her," Neo muttered, keeping his eyes fixed on the horizon.

"What was that?" Jack asked, his voice rising, "You gonna say that to my face?"

"Oh, grow up!" Trinity sighed. "The pair of you are acting like a pair of schoolgirls!"

"Sure," Jack muttered, folding his arms and ignoring Neo.

"Fine," Neo spat back, also folding his arms.

Trinity leapt up out of her chair and squealed in alarm. "NEO! Don't take your hands off of the controls when you're steering! Aaaggghh!"

**********

Back at Zion, the others were trying to decide what to do. The behaviour of the machines was becoming increasingly erratic, and Niobi found herself occupied with her overly large sized gun for most of the time.

"I believe it is time that we visited the Rhet-Oracle," Morpheus stated. "Sam, Daniel, you will come with me. Teal'c - can I leave you and Niobi to help the defence against Zion?"

"You are removing your sorry ass from this place?" Teal'c enquired, raising an eyebrow.

"Hell, yah!" Morpheus shouted, pulling Sam and Daniel away before they had time to argue with him. They left just in time, because as they disappeared into the telephone, a water-cooler next to them growled and stood up, and began walking down the corridor towards Teal'c.

**********

"Wow," said Daniel. He looked down at himself and was amazed to see that he was wearing a long black coat, and had a pair of expensive black sunglasses perched on his nose.

"Where are we?" Sam asked, surprised to see herself similarly attired, though she was wearing leather. It was a good job that Jack was not with them, or he would have been making unsavoury comments.

"We are now inside of the Matrix," Morpheus explained, "And we are going to see the Rhet-Oracle."

"Who is the Rhet-Oracle?" Daniel asked, smoothing his hands down his coat as he walked.

"It is very simple," Morpheus explained, "She is the most knowledgeable program in the entire Matrix, but you ask her any question, just one - and she will not answer it."

"Why?" Sam asked, "With all of her knowledge..."

"That is why she is the Rhet-Oracle," Morpheus sighed, "She sees your question as one that does not need to be answered. Instead, she tries to satisfy us with some pretentious drivel - for years we have pretended to be in awe of her, but every time we visit her now it is becoming a more and more trying experience."

"How many times have you been to see her?" Sam questioned.

"Three or four," Morpheus said, "And each time I have entered with more than I left. With. "

Daniel frowned.

"If she's so useless - why the hell are we going to see her?"

"That is a difficult question," Morpheus agreed, "I think it is more to do with tradition than anything. We always go to see her, and I suppose if we didn't, and if she didn't see our questions as rhetorical, we wouldn't have anything to moan about."

"True," Sam agreed.

"Here," Morpheus said, holding open the door to the dodgy Chinese restaurant.



"Only Daniel must enter first."

**********

Back at Zion, Teal'c turned around to see a water-cooler coming towards him at full speed.

He jumped out of its path but was stunned when it turned on him and began to try and ram him into the wall. The Tau'ri machinery did not behave in this manner, and therefore it was not normal and, he supposed, could be destroyed. He smashed his fist into the side of the water cooler and was surprised when a jet of water flew out of the burst tank and sprayed him in the face.

"Bfcusbfknsasb fshfisohfbedfbs sfyv!" Teal'c shouted.

"WHAT?" Niobi asked, who was coming to his aid.

"Bsgufgerfg dcgufbsd fisdfbeud!" Teal'c said again, more urgently.

"WHAT?" Niobi repeated.

"Bsgifbedfg fbhidnf sgdisdf dgbsifgbishiws chisfhidv llls fhfoods ffhidfgo!"

Teal'c was now shouting through the mouthful of water.

"WHAT?" Niobi shouted again, finally prizing the water cooler away from him.

"THERE IS A RAGING PIECE OF PAPER-DESTROYING EQUIPMENT BEHIND YOU!" Teal'c shouted.

"You mean a shredder?" Niobi asked, as she spun around and fired her gun at the shredder. Unfortunately, she lost grip on her gun and it fell into the shredder, where it was shredded.

"Agh!" Niobi yelped, "My overly large sized gun!"

"Leave it!" Teal'c yelled, "We must defend the lock!"

The two of them ran down the corridor as the water cooler began to try and spray them, and they raced towards the lock on the opposite side of the room, which was being hit from the outside and making the door burst inwards.

"Where is the commander?" Teal'c asked.

"He's shouting something at the governor people to do with hating Morpheus and defending the lock," Niobi explained.

"I see," Teal'c replied.

**********

"So..." Jack said, as the cargo ship began to drift towards something that looked like a writhing mass of mechanical squid, "What the hell are ya doing?"

"It is the only way," Neo said, pressing down on the thrust and swallowing as the ship lurched drunkenly forwards.

"Whoa!" Jack shouted, "Just stop for a minute, STOP!"

As if by magic, time stopped. At least, it felt like it did.

"I am fed up with your over-dramatic whining and moaning and groaning!" Jack shouted, "For crying out loud, stop being SO willing to run off and kill yourself when there is a perfectly good alternative facing you!"

"And...what would that alternative be?" Trinity asked.

~ Long Pause ~

"D'oh!"

**********

Daniel entered the dodgy Chinese restaurant to see a man sitting calmly down at the table, looking at him.

"Hello?" Daniel asked.

"You are here to see the Rhet-Oracle?" the man asked.

"Uh...yeah..." Daniel smiled, shifting his feet nervously.

"I am Toast," the man said, getting up and walking over to face Daniel, "And I apologise."

"For what?" Daniel asked nervously.

"This," Toast replied, and stuck a chopstick up his nose.

"Ow!" Daniel grunted, falling to the floor on his butt, "Why on earth did you do that?"

Toast did not reply, but instead he picked up a piece of Kung-Pow chicken and threw it at Daniel, who shrieked as it splattered on his face.

"It buuuuurns!" he yelled, clawing at his face.

Toast looked pleased with himself, but watched Daniel with mounting alarm as he approached the table, selected some Cajun chicken, placed it in a prawn cracker and threw it at him, getting sweet and sour sauce all over his white robe.

"Agh!" Toast shrieked, "My robe!"

"You might need to use a stronger fabric softener," Daniel suggested, wiping chicken off of his face.

"We are even," Toast agreed, offering Daniel his hand, "Forgive me, the Rhet-Oracle has many enemies."

"I have two friends with me," Daniel said, "Are they allowed to follow?"

"The Rhet-Oracle treats all people equally," Toast beamed, "She will give a straight answer to no-one."

**********

"I'm still waiting for an alternative solution," Neo said, tapping his fingers irritably on the controls.

"Just - why do you people always have to go for the over-dramatic crap?" Jack asked, "Just give me one good reason!"

Neo and Trinity looked at each other, and then back at Jack.

"We...can't actually think of one," they admitted.

"Well," Jack relaxed, "Why don't we go back to Zion and deal with the machines like big boys? And...girls..."

"Sure!" Neo said.

Time suddenly started up again, and the ship began to plummet rapidly downwards.

"Aagh!"

When Neo had finally gained control of the ship, Jack was in the luggage hold losing his lunch, and Trinity was perilously close to doing the same.

"Next time...a warning would be nice," she groaned, pulling herself back up into a seating position and taking several deep breaths.

"Sorry," Neo smiled softly, and leant across the control panel to place a kiss on her cheek.

Jack promptly threw up again.

**********

"It is vitally important that we defend the lock," Niobi explained, as Teal'c wound an entire reel of sticky tape around it, in an attempt to keep the sentinels out.

"And I believe it will take more than sticky tape," Teal'c agreed grimly.

"Yeah," Niobi replied, "I think we'd better break out the masking tape."

"It will be done," Teal'c replied, with a small bow of his head, as he went off to search for some masking tape, totally unaware that Niobi was staring at his butt.

As Teal'c rummaged through the drawer, he came across an electric hair straightener. Surprised, he picked it up and looked at it, turning it this way and that to try and get a proper feel for how it worked.

Unfortunately, he soon got the proper feel, because it bit him. Hard.

"Agh!" He shouted, as his hand began to feel warmer.

"What is it?" Niobi shouted.

"The hair straightening appliance has attached itself to my epidermis!" Teal'c wailed. Niobi raised her eyebrows.

"Come here," she said, gingerly tending to Teal'c's hand, which was getting flatter by the second.

"HURRY!" Teal'c shouted angrily, as the straightener started to mock him.

**********

"Welcome," Toast said, stepping aside of a beaded curtain to reveal a disgustingly unhygienic public toilet, "The Rhet-Oracle will see you now."

"Uh...why does she live in a toilet?" Daniel asked, wrinkling his nose and turning to Sam in surprise.

"She will tell no-one," Toast bowed proudly, "I hope that she will tell you what you want to hear."

"But I thought you said that she never told anybody anything?" Daniel asked, now completely confused.

Toast's smile began to fade.

"Just talk to her, dammit!" He snarled.

Daniel looked at Sam, shrugged, and entered the public toilet. He instantly became aware of a green tinge in the room, and was surprised to find that it actually didn't smell that bad at all.

There was a large green bathtub in the corner, and as he looked Daniel could see that there was a small child sitting in it, bending forks with his mind.

He went over to the child in wonder and smiled.

"Whatcha doin'?" He asked. The child smiled in a slightly scary way. He said nothing, but held out a fork to Daniel.

"Do not try to bend the fork," he said, "That is impossible. Instead, you must realise the truth."

"Which is?" Daniel asked, looking at the fork in his hand.

"I am spouting a loud of gibberish that makes no sense in order to win an Emmy."

"Ah," Daniel smiled, "It's all suddenly become clear."

"Hello, Daniel," said a voice from behind him.

He turned around to find himself looking at a man in drag.

"Aagh!"

**********

When Jack, Neo and Trinity arrived back at Zion there was chaos. With Teal'c and Niobi defending the lock, the dock was empty and derelict of any human life.

"Don't all rush back at once!" Jack shouted sarcastically, as he tried to get out of the Nebuchadnezzar only to get his trousers caught on a piece of wire that was sticking out.

He heard Neo stifle a laugh from behind him, and sighed dramatically.

"For crying out loud, would you just get my titanic ass out of your ship?" He shouted.

A moment later, he frowned.

"Hey! I never told you to get fresh with me down there!"

It was then that he looked up to see Neo and Trinity standing in front of him.

"Hey!" he said, confused, "If you two are in front of me, then who's...oh my God!"

Neo rushed around the back of the Nebuchadnezzar and jumped in through the back entrance, whilst Trinity tried to calm Jack from the front.

"Oh God..." Jack cried, "He's...he's...put a Blazin' Squad CD on!"

"Jesus," Trinity breathed, standing closer to Jack and taking his hand, "Stay with me, Jack. It'll be over in a minute."

Neo rushed around the back and jumped in through the back entrance. His eyes widened and he clamped his hands over his ears in terror as he heard the music blaring.

"I am the One," he said, through gritted teeth, "I can overcome this..."

He jumped into the main engine room and time slowed to a snail's pace. As he neared the stereo, Neo let out a cry of anguish and stumbled onto the 'off' button, clutching at his ears.

Time rapidly sped up again, and he fell to the floor unconscious.

"NEO!" Trinity shrieked, leaving Jack's side and running for the back entrance.

When she found him, she pulled him into her arms and gently nursed his damaged ears.

"Hey!" Jack grouchily called, "Would ya mind getting my butt outta here?"

Trinity pursed her lips and gave Jack's backside an almighty shove, smiling with satisfaction as she heard the bump and grunt of annoyance from the other side.

**********

When Niobi finally managed to prize the straightener off of Teal'c's fingers, they were a lot longer than they used to be, and resembled long cheese strings hanging off of his hand.

"Agh!" he shouted.

"Calm down!" Niobi hissed, "It's more important that we defend the lock!"

"Of course," Teal'c replied, "A warrior must not let himself be distracted by minor injuries."

"Exactly," Niobi replied, and then jumped back in terror as the door suddenly burst open to reveal Councillor Gingerhair.

"Niobi," she said, "You can put your gun down now."

"B...but...Councillor!" Niobi stammered, "What about the Sentinels?"

Councillor Gingerhair smiled knowingly. "Captain, all that happened was this. A small hole appeared in the wall and a couple of mouldy squid fell out of it. Councillor Longbeard is frying them now."

"Two squid?" Niobi shrieked, "Is that it?"

"I believe you have been short-changed," Teal'c replied, with an air of snide satisfaction that Niobi rewarded with a slap.

**********

"W...a...are you the Rhet-Oracle?" Daniel asked, staggering backwards and grabbing Sam's hand for comfort.

"I may or may not be," the Rhet-Oracle replied in a voice laden with tobacco and tar, "That is not the issue here."

"Then, what is the issue here?" Sam asked, gripping Daniel's hand tighter as the man in drag got closer.

"The issue here is not the issue here," the Rhet-Oracle replied, picking at a spot of pink nail varnish that was peeling off.

"Then what is the issue here?" Daniel asked again.

"That is not the issue here," the Rhet-Oracle smiled, lighting a cigarette and cooly smoking it.

Daniel's eye began to twitch. He obviously wasn't getting anywhere with the issue of the conversation, so he would have to try something else.

"Okay...do you know what is going to happen in Zion?" He asked, tapping his foot impatiently.

"In Zion? Where is Zion? Is it a real place, or is it indeed a figment of your imagination?" The Rhet-Oracle asked.

"I don't know!" Daniel shouted, "WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME?"

"That is not the issue here," the Rhet-Oracle replied.

"AAAGGGHHH!" Daniel yelled. Sam began to wince as his fingernails bit into her hand.

"You seem tense, Daniel," the Rhet-Oracle said, disposing of the cigarette.

"Anything I can do to help?"

"HOW ABOUT YOU GIVE ME A STRAIGHT ANSWER!" Daniel paused for breath, "Are you capable of that?"

"That is not the issue here," the Rhet-Oracle replied.

Sam smiled weakly at the Rhet-Oracle and grabbed Daniel before he exploded.

"Thank you for your time," she said, "I'm sorry you couldn't help us, but I'm sure that isn't the issue here."

"The issue is not the question, it is the question that is the issue," the Rhet-Oracle replied knowledgeably.

Daniel let out a rapid stream of expletives but got no further because Sam forcibly dragged him out.

**********

Jack was walking around Zion, feeling incredibly bored of pretending not to notice that Neo and Trinity were making out behind him when he saw a ginger cat walking towards him.

"Hey there," Jack smiled, "You're just like Sam's cat."

The cat walked past him. Jack had gone no further than another metre when he saw another ginger cat.

"Wow," he said, "Déjà vu!"

Neo wrenched Trinity out from the bottom of his throat and stared at Jack.

"What did you say?"

"I said Déjà vu!" Jack replied, "I saw one ginger cat, and then another one after it."

"Déjà vu!" Trinity shouted, "It's a twitch in the Matrix! It means...it means...AGENTS ARE COMING!"

"Good for them," Jack replied, and grinned. The grin disappeared when he realised that nobody had heard his joke.

**********

"Mr Anderson!" said a voice from behind Jack.

Jack turned around to see a tall man wearing dark glasses and a perfectly designed suit.

"Hi there!" he waved. Smith just glared at him.

"Surprised to see me?" Smith asked, adjusting his glasses.

"No," Neo replied, folding his arms and standing in front of Trinity defensively.

"Then you're aware of our connection?" Agent Smith persisted, finally removing his dark glasses because he just couldn't see out of them.

"No," Neo replied.

Jack frowned. "Hey, wait a minute..."

At that moment, Sam, Daniel and Morpheus returned from their visit to the Rhet-Oracle. Agent Smith whistled and put his glasses back on.

"My, what a fine arse!" he grinned, leering at Sam.

Sam leered back, but it was far from seductive.

"Touch me, and this gun goes so far up yours that it'll come out of your mouth!"

she snarled, brandishing the M-16 she was holding.

"Ooh!" Smith grinned, turning around and waggling his butt in Sam's face, "Try me!"

Sam was disgusted, but Morpheus saw a rare opportunity looming. He ran forwards and booted Agent Smith up the backside.

"Agh!" Smith grunted. "You will regret doing that!"

"Try me," Morpheus said, mocking his voice perfectly.

Time froze. Instead of the usual martial arts, fast-paced music, 'Just a Little' by Liberty X began to play.

Smith began to dance, and Morpheus followed him.

Sexy, everything about you so sexy,

You don't even know what you've got,

You're really hitting my spot...

Smith skipped up to Morpheus and slapped him on the cheek. Morpheus retaliated by spitting on his tie.

And you're so innocent,

Please don't take this wrong 'cos it's a compliment,

I just wanna get with you

You've gotta learn to let go

Smith turned around and gave Morpheus an expert wedgie. Morpheus cried a little, wiped his eyes, and set about picking up a reel of sellotape and throwing it at Smith's nose, trying to break it.

Work, a little bit

Hot, just a little with me, in the middle

Let go just a little bit more,

Gimme just a little bit more.... (Just a little, just a little)

Smith then performed a perfect cartwheel and slapped Morpheus on both cheeks...followed by his face.

Let me,

I'll do anything if you'd let me,

Find a way to make you a star,

Know you wanna break down the walls

Morpheus retaliated by doing a forward roll between Smith's legs and turning off the small stereo that was playing Liberty X.

"If we're gonna sort this out, we need to do it in a professional manner," Morpheus said, glaring at Smith.

"If you say so," Smith replied, cracking his knuckles, "What'll it be?"

"Tiddlywinks," Morpheus replied.

**********

Three hours later, the Matrix crew was happy to be sending Agent Smith to his doom - acting as the Rhet-Oracle's secretary.

"I'm glad that was all sorted out," Jack said, "Now we can get back to normal."

"Thank you for your help," Neo said seriously, pulling his tongue out of Trinity's throat for a moment to thank them.

"I hope we'll see you soon," Daniel smiled.

Sam picked up the telephone, and they were gone.

**********

"So...what would you like me to do?" Agent Smith asked, fiddling in annoyance with his white starched apron.

"That is not the issue here," the Rhet-Oracle replied.

"Then what is the issue?" Agent Smith pressed.

"That is not the issue here," the Rhet-Oracle grinned, lighting another cigarette.

"AAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!"

**********

THE END

Author's Note: Sorry you had to wait for so long, but I've been very busy. Did you enjoy it? Please send feedback! Many thanks to all those who have followed this twisted series from the beginning - you are very brave and I thank you for it.

Merry Christmas!!