A Tok'ra's Guide to the Tau'ri

by Anouk Sun Amun (anouk_sun_amun@hotmail.com)

Rating: PG-13

Pairings: That would be telling...

Season: Before Divide and Conquer, after Upgrades, whenever they were.

Category: Romance

Diclaimer: Don't own them, never have, never will. No money was made from this and no breach of copyright was intended.

Summary: At a suggestion from O'Neill, General Hammond invites some of the Tok'ra to earth to learn about Tau'ri culture...

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Chapter One:

Jack O'Neill, Tok'ra, Brilliant Ideas and Talks of Things Being Morally Wrong

Suddenly the two-storey high ring began spinning. Klaxons wailed loudly.

"Off-world activation!" a technician announced. "Should I close the iris, sir?"

"Yes, son," Major-General George Hammond told him.

The metal shield slid into place, grating loudly. The technician stared intently at the computer monitor. For a few seconds there was nothing. Then... Triumphantly he hit the enter key.

"Recieving Tok'ra IDC."

"Open the iris," Hammond instructed.

The well-drilled ritual was completed. SG-1 ran down the metal stairs and into the 'gate room. With one last 'clunk' the iris slid from view, revealing a shimmering blue event horizon.

Standing behind the airmen, Major Samantha Carter glanced at her CO. He had a huge grin plastered across his face. she shook her head.

"This is the first time I've knon you to be this happy about seeing the Tok'ra, sir," she commented.

"Well, this is different," Colonel Jonathan 'Jack' O'Neill told her.

The Major furrowed her eyebrows. "How so, sir?"

O'Neill looked at her with mock surprise. He opened his mouth to reply, but stopped. Instead he just chuckled to himself.

"Sir, what's going on?" He was starting to scare her.

"Oh, you'll see, Carter, you'll see," he answered, his eyes shining. He stiffened formally. "And it comes down to this, Major --" she pushed her shoulders back and matched his posture, "-- you're either with us or against us!"

"Sir, I really have no idea what you're talking about," the blonde woman said apprehensively. She hoped the pleeding tone of her voice was enough to make him spill.

It had exactly the opposite effect. A huge grin spread across the US Colonel's face and all sense of formality disappeared into oblivion.

We've really got to talk to Hammond about the abysmal state of communication in this place," he told her in a serious tone. "It would appear that I'm not the only one not getting my memos. Tsk," he shook his head, his smile growing. "With a seven million dollar plus budget we can't even tell our own men what's going on whilst they're on base."

Major Carter was about to question him further when the blast doors at one side of the 'gateroom opened.

"At ease, men," the bald General Hammond ordered as he walked through the lines of airmen. The heavily armed men lowered their weapons and stood at a parade rest.

"General," Colonel O'Neill greeted him, and rounded it off with a sloppy salute.

"Sir." Major Carter gave the man a curt nod. She noticed he was wearing blue dress, complete with all the pins, badges and paraphanalia of his rank. She gulped, and it felt as though she had to swallow her furiously beating heart. This was not good.

Any chance of the previous line of conversation being continued was cut off. Through the 'gate stepped four hooded figures. All were clad in dark beige cloaks.

"Colonel, this was an excellent idea," General Hammond commended his 2IC, "but you were the last person I'd imagine to have come up with it."

"Well, sir," he explained, "we're all entitled to a stroke of brilliance once in a while." He shot Sam a sideways glance.

Her two superiors walked towards the ramp before she could ask what the 'excellent idea' was. She stared blankly at their backs and prayed to whatever gods actually existed that it wasn't going to hurt too much.

Dr Daniel Jackson and Teal'c pushed past her, discussing something passionately.

"There has to be something in one of our conventions or regulations forbidding this," Daniel reasoned. "This is so wrong in so many ways!"

"I must agree, Daniel Jackson," Teal'c said stoically.

"Like, c'mon, it's almost an act of war!" Daniel continued, adding dramatic arm movements. "Geneva's gotta have something to say about this!"

Sam took a deep breath. She had to stop herself from running towards her friends and demanding to be told what was happening. Her head was feeling light. Jack O'Neill, Tok'ra, brilliant idea and talk of things being morally wrong: not good. So not good.

She strode over to the the gathering at the bottom of the ramp, trying to look calm. The four guests had pushed back their hoods. Sam searched their faces.

First was her father, Jacob Carter; then Martouf (her heart did this little jumpy-in-her-chest thing that she hated); Anise (ooh boy); and... Garshaw?

"People of the Tau'ri," the Tok'ra leader said in a heavily distorted voice, "I give you greetings on behalf of myself, the High Council and the Tok'ra. We thank you for this opportunity."

"Thankyou," General Hammond said, smiling warmly. "On behalf of our President, the Pentagon, the SGC and the American people we welcome you to Earth."

Garshaw bowed her head. Her companions followed suit.

"Right," O'Neill rubbed his hands together and gave their guests a dangerous smile. "Now we've got formality out of the way, we can get started."

Sam didn't like the glint in his eye.

"Yes," General Hammond cut in before Jack could say any more. "Firstly we'll get some of our people to provide you with some clothes more suited to our world. I'll see you all in briefing in two hours." With that the General left. 'Great,' Sam thought.

"Bye!" Jack called out after him. He turned back to the expectant group. "Okay, campers, this is the deal: Teal'c and I'll go through the plan one final time. Carter, Daniel, you'll help the Tok'ra with the clothes. Got it?"

Everyone nodded and murmmered.

"What are we doing, anyway?" Sam asked, not really sure if she wanted the answer.

Teal'c raised and eyebrow, Daniel shot Jack a dirty look, Jacob looked annoyed, Anise looked amused and Martouf looked confused.

"Were you not told of our visit prior to our arrival, Samantha?" he asked, genuinely concerned. The expression on his face did something inside her chest that warranted a mental slap.

"No," she told them.

From the look Martouf gave her CO she knew they weren't going to get along this time. Come to think of it, they never got along.

Jack smiled sheepishly. "Must have forgotten to tell her," he professed innocently.

Jacob ignored him. "Hey, Sammie," he said, wrapping his arms around his daughter. He released her after a few seconds. "Missed you, baby."

"Yeah, me too, Dad, but what's going on?" she asked, hoping to finally get an answer.

"We are here to learn more about your culture," Garshaw informed her.

"Yes," Martouf added. "Colonel O'Neill suggested that SG-1 show a small contingent of Tok'ra around a part of your world."

Sam was sure she had heard wrong. She hoped she had heard wrong. Her chest tightened.

"Excuse me?" she asked, wincing as her voice broke.

She's heard many people say they had felt the colour drain from her face. She had always wondered how that was possible. Now she wished she didn't know. It wasn't a pleasant feeling.

"Uh, Carter, we're taking these guys on a tour," O'Neill simplified, avoiding her glance. He felt Martouf's eyes bore into him as he spoke. He'd have to watch out for that man.

It took a while for it to register in her brain. When it did, all knew about it. Sam's cry was heard through the blast doors in the adjacent hallways.

"We're WHAT?!"

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In the next chapter...

The Tok'ra have some trouble with Tau'ri clothes and find supermarket shopping a little daunting...

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A/N: The relationships (yes, plural!) will come later, please be patient. I'd like a story before we get into the 'shippy parts.

So, anyone for feedack. One word reviews are quite acceptable.