The Forbidden Medley – Spoof Style

By AnitaBlake1414 (a.k.a forbiddentarotXXI)

Author's Note: Ok, so I'm starting a spoof. Why? Because there are too many things in L J Smith series that NEED to be spoofed! This is going to be one messed up world, so all those who dare to enter, BEWARE! I started this spoof a while ago and now I have edited it to prepare the world for sicker chapters to follow. That's if you want them. Please give feedback to say what you like or, in those few rare cases, don't like about my spoof. Go on. You know you want to.

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters you recognize, it would take too long to go through them all. (Lazy? ME?) I own ANITA, JULIANA and all TROBLINS and TROBBITS.

Anyway, this is going to include characters from a wide variety of places, so if you don't recognize some I've included a cast list with the book/film/show/whatever the characters are from to help. There will be a lot of L.J. Smith characters, with odd sprinklings of other, more bizarre characters.

The spoof has a weird plot and it gives you all an insight to my warped and twisted sense of humour. I know I'm supposed to be writing the sequels to my other story, but that can wait, I need to write this! So enough rambling from me. (Actually the whole thing is rambling by me) shut it Anita So start reading!


CAST LIST!

THE FORBIDDEN GAMERS from The Forbidden Game (surprise, surprise!) and The Forbidden Dance (my fanfic)

Jenny Thornton - herself

Julian (God) - himself

Tom Locke – Freddie Prinze Jr.

Deirdre Eliade (Dee) – Mel B (Bo Selecta)

Audrey – Patsy Kensit (Bo Selecta)

Michael – Neville Chamberlain (Harry Potter)

Summer – Reese Witherspoon (Legally Blonde)

Zach – The Weird Guy (American Beauty/Not Another Teen Movie)

The Troblins (TFD) (a cross between trolls and goblins)

The Trobbits (TFD) (a cross between a troblin and a hobbit)

Juliana - Famke Janssen (House On Haunted Hill)

THE SLAYERS, THE WITCHES AND THE SEXY VAMPIRES (from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, The Secret Circle, The Anita Blake series and The Vampire Diaries)

Buffy (SLAYER) BTVS

Faith (SLAYER) BTVS

Anita Blake Vampire Executioner (guest starring as a SLAYER) ABS

Angel (SEXY VAMPIRE) BTVS

Damon (SEXY VAMPIRE) TVD

Stefan (SEXY VAMPIRE) TVD

Elena (VAMPIRE) (TVD)

Jean Claude (SEXY VAMPIRE (later on)) ABS

Bonnie (WITCH) TVD

Willow (WITCH) BTVS

Tara (WITCH) BTVS

Cassie (WITCH) TSC

Dawn (THE USELESS ONE) BTVS

MORE PEOPLE (from everywhere)

Xander (BTVS)

Cordelia (BTVS)

Oz (BTVS)

Spike (BTVS)

Anya (BTVS)

The Guy With The Cheese (BTVS)

Alfie – Jude Law (Alfie)

Jack Black (a.k.a Jables) - himself

The Famous Five – as themselves

Anita (THE AUTHOR/DOMINATRIX) – as herself

SPECTATORS – locked in the monkey cage, poked by sticks

Kaye (TRASHY TEMPTRESS) – herself

Sienna Miller

Angelina Jolie

Scarlet Johanson

Thora Birch (Ghost World)

Screaming Fans (of Buffy and Angel)

Colin Farrell (DRUNKEN IRISH TOSSER)

Ryan Phillippe (SLAVE) (CRUEL INTENTIONS)

Captain Jack Sparrow (Pirates Of The Caribbean)

David Beckham

Tyler Durden (Fight Club)

Dafydd (THE ONLY GAY IN THE VILLAGE) (Little Britain)

Daft Punk (in robot suits)

SURPRISE GUEST APPEARANCES

Well it wouldn't be a surprise if I told you now, would it?


CHAPTER 1

JULIAN: So this whole thing is about ME?

ANITA: No, it's about a mixture of people, Julian. Go talk to Jenny for a bit.

JULIAN: sulks Fine, be that way.

JENNY: You know I love you best rolls eyes. Can we get on with this now?

JULIAN: Nyeh. Anything for you. grins foolishly

TOM: is restrained by WILLOW and TARA You bad boy! She's MINE! I'm gonna scratch your eyes out!

ALL: look at TOM strangely Whateverrrrrr.

TOM fights ineffectually against WILLOW then gives up and slumps to the floor. JULIAN and JENNY smirk

ANITA: Finally. ACTION!

JACK BLACK (JABLES): Dude, what the hell is going on?

ANITA: Quiet Jables, you're ruining my spoof.

JABLES: singing This is just a tribute……

ALL: SHUT IT!

JABLES: Fine. I love you too. walks around the room again and again waggling his butt

ANITA: rolls eyes You're wasting my script and everyone's time. You only do that when I say so!

JABLES sulks

ANITA: Right ok, first of all is Xander trying to chat up Audrey.

ALL burst into hysterical laughter. AUDREY looks disdainful

XANDER: starts to cry What is it? It's my shirt isn't it! I knew it! starts a song in a cracked high voice 'I've been having a bad bad day, why won't you……'

ALL interrupt with howls of laughter. XANDER covers his face and runs away to the doughnut shop

TOM: Is it my bit yet?

ANITA: Not yet Tom, sit down and be quiet. Ok, now that that's done, we need all the original people from The Forbidden Game here.

SUMMER: dressed in too big pj's and carrying a teddy even bigger than her They wrote a series about us? Since, like, when?

ANITA: rolling eyes Just come and stand here Summer, and you can leave the teddy bear over there.

SUMMER: growls NO! Spike stays with me.

SPIKE: Hey that's my name! Change it now or I'll bite you!

ANYA: You can be my teddy bear. winks

ALL look slightly sick and stare at Spike. ANGEL smirks and watches SPIKE squirm

TOM: obviously bored Is it MY bit yet?

JULIAN: No, shut up or I'll set Amy The Brat on you.

AMY THE RAT: Squeak.

ANITA: STOP IT! It's my spoof, and I want everyone from TFG here NOW!

ALL look frightened and start prodding Dee and Tom to get to the front

ANITA: Thank you. beams

ALL look relieved

TOM: Is it my bit yet?

ALL: NO!

ANITA: Yes actually, it is.

ALL look annoyed

ANITA: You have to go and fight Julian for taking Jenny off you.

JULIAN: grins evilly and cracks his knuckles

TOM: He took Jenny away? Huh? Since when?

JENNY: rolls eyes Since the Games, duh.

TOM: Oh yeah. tries to growl and squeaks instead Bring it on!

SPECTATORS munch popcorn and look at TOM interestedly from behind the bars

ANITA: Hey where's my popcorn? nicks some off CORDELIA You don't want to eat that anyway.

CORDELIA: HEY!

JULIAN takes off his shirt and flexes his muscles to show JENNY. ALL GIRLS and JABLES drool

ANITA: with regret Put the shirt back on Julian, we'll never get this done otherwise.

ALL GIRLS stare at ANITA venomously

ANITA: Umm………maybe after this scene then.

TOM: COME ON! It's MY bit!

JULIAN glares venomously at TOM

TOM: falls down unconscious

ALL: cheering YAY!

SUMMER: sucks thumb

ANITA: Ok that was just for practice. grins evilly NOW it's script time.

STEFAN and DAMON walk in

CORDELIA: from the cage He…llo SALTY GOODNESSES! rattles the bars, grinning

ELENA strolls in behind them and puts an arm round each

CORDELIA: aghast I cannot win! cries in sheer fury

ANGEL, DAMON and STEFAN (THE SEXY VAMPIRES): look uncomfortable

BUFFY and ELENA: smirk and exchange knowing glances

ELENA: So………like what are we doing here?

ANITA: Playing, what else?

ALL: cheer

ELENA: shrugs So………do you like……ummm……have any O-pos?

BUFFY: suspiciously Wait……are you a vampire?

STEFAN, DAMON and ELENA: Yep.

DAMON: eyeing BUFFY up Wana make something of it?

ANITA: Break it up guys. She's a Slayer and she'll……

DAMON: interrupting What's a Slayer?

BUFFY and FAITH (THE SLAYERS): grin evilly Want to see?

ANITA: SCRIPT!

THE SLAYERS, THE SEXY VAMPIRES and ELENA: sulk

SPIKE: looking up at the script HEY! Why am I not a sexy vampire?

ALL: look at SPIKE incredulously and laugh

ANITA: Hmm.

SPIKE: I was only asking!

THE SLAYERS, THE SEXY VAMPIRES and ELENA: laugh at SPIKE

SPECTATORS: rattle the bars of their monkey cage and yell SPIKE! SPIKE!

SPIKE: What? What?

SPECTATORS: We LOVE YOU Spike!

SPIKE: Finally. At least someone loves me. pointed look at BUFFY

Violins start to play. BUFFY looks abashed and stares at ANGEL. ANGEL looks annoyed and stares at SPIKE. SPIKE looks put out and looks at the SPECTATORS. The SPECTATORS laugh.

ANITA: Hmm.

TOM: wakes up Is it my bit yet?

ANITA: knocks TOM unconscious again Nope.

BONNIE sidles in

BONNIE: Am I late?

WILLOW and TARA eye up BONNIE appreciatively. BONNIE hides behind DAMON

CORDELIA: NOO!

WILLOW and TARA: sulk

ANITA: smirks Bonnie's a witch, too.

WILLOW and TARA: make a pretty, magical light show

ALL: entranced OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

XANDER: walks in, eating a doughnut NO! WILLOW! You were supposed to give magic up!

WILLOW: shrugs I did. I just took it back up again afterwards.

TARA: sniggers Very good, honey.

JULIAN: You do magic? draws a rune

the whole studio disappears and ALL find themselves in a Victorian style house

ANITA: JULIAN! Stop it! I'm trying to direct a spoof, not play in your Shadow House!

WILLOW: mind-sucks the Forbidden Game 1 Oh, so THAT'S a Shadow House.

ANITA: infuriated WILLOW! OH MY GOD! That was my favourite book! Now I'm going to have to go and get another one of my 364 copies!

ALL: stare at ANITA like she's crazy

LILAH: Wow there's one obsessed freak. shakes head in wonder

BUFFY AND ANGEL FANS (IN THE CAGE): look offended at LILAH's comment

JULIAN: flattered You liked my House that much?

ANITA: proudly I have that book for every day of the year, but now Willow has RUINED my set. I'M RUINED! glares at WILLOW

WILLOW: ashamed, puts the words back into the book Sorry.

ANITA: Thank you. Now can we get to the script? It's gathering dust.

JULIAN: Is there actually a script? looks amazed

ALL: blow dust and cobwebs off their scripts

AUDREY: with a sniff Apparently so.

ANITA: looks offended Right, all the Forbidden Gamers go and sit around the table and start colouring in your little nightmares and stuff.

FORBIDDEN GAMERS: sit down, SUMMER chewing a green crayon

LORNE: Hey that's my colour! preens and looks into a mirror in the corner of the room

SUMMER: takes the crayon out of her mouth and grins with green teeth Meh.

ALL: roll eyes

ANITA: Right…………swear that you're all playing the game. Of your own free will.

AUDREY: Are you sure this is safe? I don't want to go back to the Shadow House.

MICHAEL: Yeah……isn't this for real?

ANITA: with a glare YOU'LL DO WHAT I SAY!

ZACH: speaking for the first time in like, ever That's not free will then is it! looks sarcastically around for support

ANITA: gets out her uber long dominatrix whip and lashes out at ZACH: DO IT!

ZACH: OW! going red THAT HURT! Do it again!

ALL THE SECRET SADISTS grin

ANITA: Eww no. Just swear already. Wait, where are the others?

JENNY and JULIAN: are making out in the corner What?

ANITA: rolls eyes God. Get your asses over here and swear. Wait, Julian you don't have to. Go stand over there. AWAY FROM JENNY. bats JENNY out of the way

ALL GIRLS smirk and look at JULIAN. JULIAN stands in the shadows and preens

JENNY: HEY! with an annoyed look at ANITA What the hell are you doing?

ANITA: Making a goddamn spoof, how many times do I have to say it! SIT! Now all of you, I want you to swear that your playing the game.

JENNY: Why?

DEE: Because we're going back to the Shadow House, dumbass! to the camera Jenny was never very smart.

JENNY: Hey! I'm smarter than you. We're already in the Shadow House, you bloodless money grubbing freak.

THORA BIRCH: looking at JENNY Wait…that's from American Beauty! You can't even think up your own insults. What a Lame-O.

JENNY: looks insulted Whatever. Anyway, Dee's stupider than me.

DEE: Hey I'm not the one who passed up Julian when she had the chance to live in his house and have lots of cool free stuff. looks at the SPECTATORS for support.

ANITA: Didn't you say that all guys were lying hounds?

DEE: looks annoyed Damnit! I don't like being quoted. Let me see that goddamn book. snatches ANITA'S copy.

DEE reads the book and starts laughing.

DEE: HAHAHAHA! This says all of Jenny's thoughts about Julian. Ha. Now I know what you were REALLY thinking.

JENNY: blushing Shit. Get off that! tries to grab the book but fails miserably

JULIAN: grins Hey let me see!

JENNY: desperately blocks his path and grabs him

JULIAN: Ha. You're so predictable. grabs JENNY

JENNY and JULIAN start making out again

ANITA: OI! Stop that! gets out the hosepipe and sprays cold water over them

JENNY and JULIAN scream and cower away from the hosepipe, both soaking wet

ANITA: smirks evilly Right. Now can we get on with the rest of the script?

JENNY and JULIAN glare at ANITA

ANITA: I'll take that as a yes. looks round at the rest of the cast who are partying and trashing the House Hmm. Maybe not. shouts Hey!

ALL CAST carry on partying regardless

ANITA: HEY!

ALL CAST pause WHAT?

ANITA: Filming's over for today. Everyone can party some more and if you're good I'll bring some pom poms tomorrow!

ALL CAST (most of which are already drunk): WOOO!

ANITA: grabs vodka Ok. turns to the camera and grins If you can't beat them...


THE NEXT DAY………

Everyone is on set, preparing to go back to the Shadow House. Various members of the cast are wandering round looking worse for wear. ANITA clutches her head and makes plans.

ANITA: Willow! You and Tara are going to crash the Shadow House and capture Juliana.

WILLOW: still drunk andquite possibly stonedWha……?

JABLES: singing Wonderwillow! What is the secret of your power……………?

The Famous Five walk in. Everyone looks at the unwelcome intrusion

TIMMY: Woof.

JULIAN#2 (THE FAMOUS FIVE): By Jove! This is a queer place, don't you think, George?

TIMMY: Woof Woof.

THE SPECTATORS looks bemused and amused. COLIN FARRELL starts laughing, but that could just be from the pills.

GEORGE (GEORGINA): Isn't he a darling. Why yes, it is Julian. Would you like some ginger beer and ham sandwiches?

ALL: What the…………?

ANITA: Ummm who the hell are you?

FAMOUS FIVE: in synchrony We are (drum roll) The Famous FIVE! pause for reaction

Silence.

ANITA: Umm…that's nice.

BUFFY: whispers to SPIKE I've never heard of them. What are they famous for?

SPIKE: Being tasty? puts vamp face on then howls because of the chip

FAMOUS FIVE: How queer!

SPIKE: angry HEY! Who are you calling queer?

WILLOW and TARA: look at each other, then at SPIKE and smirk knowingly

JABLES: interrupts rudely Wait……isn't that a dog?

ALL: look at GEORGINA

JABLES: No, I meant THAT dog. points

ALL: look at TIMMY Ah.

JULIAN#2: So?

JABLES: So how come the dog talks?

TIMMY: Woof.

BUFFY: mutters Stupid dog.

OZ: Mmm.

GEORGINA: How dare you say that about my beloved………

ANITA: cuts in Ok ok enough. Put the dog outside and lets start filming.

FAMOUS FIVE: grumble

ANITA: NOW! Or I wont let you play with the pom-poms.

ALL: grab GEORGINA and throw her outside

TIMMY: Haha sucker………umm……Woof.

ALL: stare at TIMMY

JENNY: It's possessed! stares

ALL: watch to see if it's head turns around doing the 'Exorcist Twist'.

MATTHEW LILLARD (THE BAD JOKER – GUEST STAR): Maybe it needs to be exorcised. Exercised, exorcised, get it? It's a JOKE! waits for the canned laughter

Silence.

ALL: roll eyes, each secretly wondering if it's true

CORDELIA: No way! I SAW that movie. EVEN THE PRIEST DIED!

ANITA: looking incensed (annoyed that is, not fragranced) Cordelia, don't quote old script lines from the scene where you and Xander were talking in 'I only have eyes for you.' It's unprofessional. rolls eyes

CORDELIA: sulks You FREAK! How was I supposed to know that you learnt every bit of dialogue from BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER?

ANITA: grins slyly as CORDELIA rages

AUDREY: Well I think the dog is possessed.

OZ: mildly curious Really? Maybe it's a weredog.

SCOOBY DOO: jealously No, I'M the only weredog here.

ALL: nod knowingly

XANDER: shocked IT CAN TALK!

BUFFY: No shit Sherlock.

ANITA: Ok, whatever, just lets get it out.

TIMMY: HEY!

BUFFY grabs TIMMY and throws him out of the door. Canine cursing is heard from outside

ANITA: Ok, Julian, invoke Uruz and let's go back to the Shadow House.

JULIAN#2: How queer!

JULIAN: That's MY name! How dare you use it!

ALL GIRLS: glare at the offending imposter HOW DARE YOU!

JULIAN#2: What an adventure!

BUFFY and ELENA: grab the remaining three of the FAMOUS FIVE and throw them out.

ANITA: Thank you. Now. Julian, invoke the rune please.

JULIAN: invokes it and opens a portal This is the cooler way. looks at JENNY for approval

JENNY looks suitably impressed

ANITA: What the hell?

BUFFY: NO! Dawn!

ALL: look puzzled

ANITA: explains Buffy had to save Dawn (AGAIN) rolls eyes by jumping into a portal to close it. She went to heaven, blah blah, and Willow brought her back.

WILLOW looks ashamed. BUFFY looks tragic. THE BUFFY AND ANGEL FANS look bored. This was, after all, repeated at the beginning of every episode in season 6

DAWN (THE USELESS ONE): starts whining BUFFY! You drank ALL the milk. I'm gonna tell Giles over this!

ALL: glare at DAWN Useless. shake head Useless girl.

DAWN: in high pitched squeak What? Buffy!

ANITA BLAKE VAMPIRE EXECUTIONER: grabs a gun Want me to do something about it?

ANITA: considers for a moment Aww I really would, but I think we can torture her later. Prolonged suffering is the answer.

ALL: smirk nastily at THE USELESS ONE YEAH!

ELENA grabs DAWN and throws her outside too. ALL look relieved

ANITA: gives ELENA a pom-pom THANK YOU! whispers We can kill her later.

ELENA smirks and shakes her pom-pom at everyone

ALL: stare in wonder and envy Oooh! Aaah!

JULIAN: Are you going to come through the portal or are you going to stand there all day?

ALL go through portal, reluctantly looking back at ELENA's pom-pom

The room empties and the portal vanishes


Everyone wakes up and finds themselves sprawled in the living room of the Victorian Shadow House. ANITA points at the door to the rest of the House, and WILLOW and TARA slip out quietly to find JULIANA. Everyone except the FORBIDDEN GAMERS move to around the monkey cage to watch.

CORDELIA: poking ELENA HEY! You're blocking my view!

ELENA: growls at CORDELIA

CORDELIA: glares through the bars and then sees STEFAN stood in front of ELENA. Well there's a better view here anyway. glances admiringly.

ANITA: Ok……refers to the Forbidden Game 1: The Hunter Julian, go and hide behind that Oriental screen thingy. The rest of you, sprawl on the floor again and act like you're unconscious.

TOM: YAY! It's my bit! I get to be unconscious!

BUFFY: Can I knock him unconscious?

ANITA: looks at script Doesn't say you can't……no, best not, he has to act it instead. evil laugh

BUFFY: looks disappointed

TOM: But………but……………

ANITA: Quiet!

TOM sulks

ANITA: Where's Zachary?

JENNY: A photograph of Julian ate him.

ALL look at JULIAN, scared. JULIAN blushes

ANITA:……………Right. THE WEIRD GUY from American Beauty can play him instead. Is that ok, Weird Guy?

THE WEIRD GUY: with a videocamera trained on various girls Umm ok.

ANITA: Good, good. Right, GAMERS, I need you to begin to wake up now, and Michael needs to freak out.

MICHAEL: I do that anyway cheesy grin

ANITA: Umm………………yeah. shakes head ACTION!

MICHAEL: whispers Aud, tell me something to freak me out.

AUDREY: You have leaves growing on your arm.

ANITA: smirks

MICHAEL: thinks No, something scarier.

AUDREY: Ok, there won't be anything to eat for the next 4 hours.

MICHAEL: stuffs a Twinkie bar into his mouth Oh my god!

ALL: in unison YOU KILLED KENNY!

MICHAEL: pauses What?

ANITA: sighs Never mind. Jenny, you have to tell Tom that you're ACTUALLY in the Shadow House.

XANDER: Imagine that.

JENNY: rolls eyes and says flatly Oh my God, Tom…………We're. In. The. House.

ALL cheer

Silence

ANITA: TOM! Don't you read your script? Tell her that there's no way you can be in the house, and she shouldn't be so silly.

TOM snores

ANITA: Tom! Wake up!

TOM is suddenly silent

ANITA: slyly For the love of Julian wake up!

TOM wakes up quickly

JULIAN scowls and moves away from TOM. JENNY frowns. ALL roar with laughter

ANITA: Tom! It's YOUR BIT!

JULIAN hides from TOM behind JENNY

JABLES: singing BLACK EYED PEAS Tell me where is the love, the love, the love……

ANITA: Ok Jables, enough. TOM!

The air suddenly becomes deathly cold. Tendrils of smoke curl around the open doorway and a shadowy figure appears. ALL gasp

ANITA: sighs Hello, Juliana.

JULIANA: sulks You ruined my entrance! Anyway, how did you know it was me?

ANITA: Puh-lease. I CREATED you!

JULIANA looks angry. ALL look at ANITA in awe.

ANITA: smirks What? She's in my fanfiction.

ANGEL: What's a fanfiction?

ANITA: sighs Go on out.

ANGEL: embarrassed I can't use a computer.

ANITA: Ok, well it's where you write stories based on other peoples previously published works (for books) or maybe movies or TV shows…………

ANGEL: interrupts Like for Buffy the Vampire Slayer?

BUFFY: And Angel?

ANGEL and BUFFY smile at each other. ALL gag

ANITA: Yes, and then you can put the characters and settings from them into your own plot. As long as you put a disclaimer. checks her script for the disclaimer. Do you understand?

ALL nod head

ANITA: You didn't, did you?

ALL shake head

ANITA: sighs Well I'm not paying you to understand, I'm paying you to act.

ALL nod

ANITA: Stop that!

ALL look chastised

ANITA: Jesus.

JULIANA: So…………what are you doing in my House?

JULIAN: annoyed It's MY House pulls JULIANA's hair

JULIANA starts a rune battle

ANITA: Children. Be nice.

JULIANA and JULIAN sulk

ANITA: Right. Script people!

DEE: in a cheerful voice Oh no! A pink elephant is trying to eat me!

ALL look bewitched, bothered and bewildered

ANITA: Dee! That's not in the script! Can't you people READ?

XANDER, JABLES and SUMMER: Nope.

DEE smirks. WILLOW and TARA walk in

WILLOW: We found Juliana! holds up a troblin

JULIANA: screams in outrage

TROBLIN: smirks and winks

ANITA: Umm Willow? That's a troblin.

WILLOW: looks embarrassed Oops!

ANITA points at the seething JULIANA THAT is Juliana.

WILLOW and TARA eye JULIANA up interestedly. ALL snigger at JULIANA. JULIANA looks even angrier

ANITA: Ok, well put the troblin over there and then we can start.

TROBLIN: in a nasal whine Oi! Don't I get a say in this?

ALL look bored

XANDER: amazed IT CAN TALK!

ANITA: rolls eyes No shit Sherlock.

TROBLIN: I'm the best talking troblin since the Fluffy Battle Kitten.

FLUFFY BATTLE KITTEN nods

ANITA: Whatever. Go and get us all some coffee.

THE SLAYERS look pleased. THE SEXY VAMPIRES look dubious

DAMON: Do you have any troblin friends? licks his fangs suggestively

TROBLIN: nervously Well there's David.

DAMON: David?

TROBLIN: slyly He's tasty.

ALL: look amused

ALL VAMPIRES: lick lips

TROBLIN: shouts OI! David!

DAVID THE TROBLIN: in a crazy devil voice You rang?

ALL VAMPIRES stare hungrily at DAVID

ANITA: We are inviting you to dinner, David. grins maniacally

DAVID: laughs insanely

ANITA: O……...k

ALL: look freaked out

SPIKE grabs DAVID and bites him. After a moment of silence, SPIKE shouts

SPIKE: BLOODY HELL! THIS TASTES DISGUSTING!

THE VAMPIRES are annoyed. DAVID laughs insanely again

ANITA: Well tough shit. You'll have to make do. Or have a trobbit.

JULIANA: pulls a trobbit out of the wall Try this.

SPIKE backs away, wiping his mouth and retching

ANGEL: with a long-suffering sigh I'll try it. Bites the troblin THIS IS THE BEST THING I'VE EVER TASTED!

SPIKE: rolls his eyes disgustedly and says sarcastically Why me?

JULIANA pulls more trobbits and trobbettes out of the wall for THE VAMPIRES. THE VAMPIRES bite them and go into drugged hazes

ANITA: What the hell is in those things? looks round at the half of the cast rolling round in ecstatic hazes. I want some!

JULIANA: Ecstasy and grooble juice.

ANITA: Grooble Juice?

JULIAN: It's a Class A Shadow World drug. Helps relieve the boredom and loneliness.

JENNY: stares at JULIAN suspiciously

JULIAN: coughs So I've heard.

ANITA: alarmed Well how long will they be like this?

JULIANA: Most of the people who try this drug don't ever want to leave the paradise behind.

ANITA: aghast MY CAST! looks at the disintegrating spoof and starts tearing her hair out

BUFFY: But…………but……….ANGEL!

ANITA: suspiciously Umm, would you say this 'Grooble Juice' gave you…………perfect happiness?

JULIANA: looks thoughtful What an apt description!

ALL: with feeling Oh SHIT!


ALL turn to look at ANGEL, who, with a blissful smile on his face, suddenly starts convulsing and rolling on the floor. Everyone runs out of the parlour screaming. THE VAMPIRES are still slumped on the floor with silly smiles on their faces.

JULIANA: after watching the others bar the door What the………..?

ANITA: We just lost Angel! It's all your fault!

BUFFY: He's Angelus now!

JULIANA: with sarcasm What difference does two letters make?

A thump is heard at the door. TOM screams.

ALL: scream at TOM

TOM: screams and hides

A louder, more impatient thump comes at the door.

DOOR: Knock Knock!

ANITA: Who's there?

DISEMBODIED VOICE (BEHIND THE DOOR): in a growly tone He….llo Sidney!

ANITA: rolls her eyes Wrong spoof mate.

DISEMBODIED VOICE: What's your favourite scary movie?

ANITA: That's so unoriginal! Who are you, Billy Lumas?

ALL (WHO GET THE REFERENCE) smirk

DISEMBODIED VOICE: No, I'm Zorro.

ALL roll eyes Whatever.

DISEMBODIED VOICE: No really, I am.

ANITA: Go away, we're waiting for a REAL serial killer to come and kill us. You think we're going to die a crappy half death by way of a newbie psycho?

DISEMBODIED VOICE: Oh, ok. Bye then.

ALL: cheerfully Bye!

Another thump sounds at the door

ANITA: We told you to go away!

DISEMBODIED VOICE: You never told me your name.

ANITA: GET LOST!

DISEMBODIED VOICE: Geez, sorry.

Yet another thump sounds at the door

ALL roll eyes again

ANITA: What now?

DISEMBODIED VOICE#2: Why did you leave me here?

BUFFY: ANGEL!

DISEMBODIED VOICE#2: Buffy? Is that you?

ANITA: Jesus Angel, I watch your shows. Don't you think I know what Angelus sounds like? turns to the cameraHe should really improvehis Irish accent.

DISEMBODIED VOICE#2: with cruel casualness Damn, Angel is such a sucker. You're better off with me, honey.

BUFFY: sobs quietly NOT AGAIN!

ANITA: yawns Whatever. Are you going to try and kill us or what?

ANGELUS: Just wait till I tear your life from you as you watch me from your chains.

ANITA: Do you even know who I am?

ANGELUS: A pitiful worm in the way of……………

ANITA: interrupts No, I am the AUTHOR so nothing can happen to me. NOTHING! Mwahahahahaha!

ALL look jealous and sulky

ANGELUS: Well I don't give one. I want to see what your insides look like!

ANITA: smugly Whatever. You can't get in. looks around at the assembled CAST and whispers Ok. Buffy, Willow, Faith, put your sleeping bags down on the floor and treat it like it's your home. No wait, Buffy; just pretend it is. I don't want this place getting trashed, no offence.

BUFFY starts to protest But…….

ANITA: cutting her off Puh-lease. How many episodes did Xander have to fix your windows and doors?

XANDER: Someone actually appreciates me!

A loud bang sounds at the door

FAITH: mutters SUCH an attention seeker.

ANGELUS: I heard that!

ALL snigger derisively. The sound of a chainsaw being started is heard. Dee looks angry, Juliana looks afraid (AFRAID?) and the trobbits, troblins and trobbettes just look bored. Everyone else looks nervous and are getting out their emergency spoof kits (normal first aid stuff and then some water balloons (filled with regulation water, not holy) and stakes. And a rubber chicken each. ANITA pulls out three knives, a highly polished stake, a sawn-off shotgun, a spine knife and a feather boa. Everyone gapes).

ANITA sees the stares What? I don't have a Julian to protect me from evil.

JENNY smirks

ANITA glares Bitch.

ALL GIRLS nod in agreement

ANITA: Ok, the knives are made out of silver, the gun has silver bullets and the spine knife makes me look cool. puts on the feather boa Ha. Now I look like Tim Curry.

TIM CURRY (SPECIAL GUEST APPEARANCE): But sometimes, even smiling makes my face ache. bites finger dramatically

ROCKY HORROR PICTURE FANS applaud

The chainsaw splinters the wood of the door, and penetrates it. After cutting a head-shaped hole in the top, ANGELUS stands on tiptoe and looks through, his fangs extended and vamp face on. Everyone screams.

ANITA waves a knife at ANGELUS Stay the hell away.

BUFFY: Don't stake him unless you really have to. to the camera He's great in bed.

ANITA: Hmm ok. If we can capture him we can get a thingy Orb and restore his soul. Again.

BUFFY: proudly You're a real fan aren't you?

ANITA: More like a stalker, actually.

BUFFY: Oh right. Cool.

ANGELUS: Hello? I'm about to butcher you.

ANITA resumes panicked look Ok. Sorry.

ANGELUS: THANK YOU!

BUFFY and ANITA roll eyes

Drum roll and spooky music, and everyone stares in fright at ANGELUS. ANGELUS beats at the door a bit and then pushes his face through again, looking around. ALL watch him, terrified.

ANGELUS: HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERE'S ANGELUS!

Everyone screams again, runs around and then freezes in silly positions

ANITA: Find out what happens next week in the second episode of The Forbidden Medley!

Note – May not actually be next week.


JULIAN: reads the first chapter God this is so cheesy.

ANITA: I know. Will they hate it?

JULIAN: Probably. You only got 1 review for chapters 8 and 9 COMBINED of The Forbidden Dance.

ANITA flushes Hey! I told you not to bring that up again!

JULIAN grinsevilly Sorry. They'll love it. And to show their love, they'll review. Obviously. To the reader Bear in mind that I'm being made to do this; not paid.

ANITA: Shut it Julian. You'd better be nicer to me in future! glares, then runs off crying

JULIAN: Umm…………ok, well considering you actually read this far, you deserve an award! So please will you review?looks desperateFor me? looking round fearfully She'll make me do things in the spoof that i don't want to do! PLEASE PLEASE!

ANITA peeks in Please what?

JULIAN looks embarrassed Please review. I have to...umm...go now...escapes

ANITA looks bemused Rightttttttt. Well if you want more then you know what to do!