Author's Note: Wow, it's been two years since I last updated. To anybody who cares, sorry sorry sorry I promise to be better!. I've just come back onto and I plan to continue this spoof if I get enough interest. Reviews being interest, yes? If you like this spoof, tell me. If you don't, tell me why not and I'll try to change it so that it's better. I hope you like it; I've included characters from shows, films, books and even my imagination (wow) and so the spoof continues with another chapter. If I get 5 reviews for this then I will write another chapter. I may be starting another fanfic as well but I plan to keep up with this if people like it.
Ok I'm done talking now. grins Have fun reading. Thanks to all who reviewed chapter 1 so long ago, I will give all personal mentions in the next chapter.
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters except ANITA (me) the TROBLINS, the TROBBITS and JULIANA. All the others are owned by various other authors that are mentioned in the cast list in the first chapter. I hate the fact that I have to repeat this again so I'm just going to be lazy and say that I don't own the characters you recognise, ok?
THE FORBIDDEN MEDLEY - SPOOFSTYLE
CHAPTER 2 - The Chaos Continues
ALL look around finally, blowing dust and cobwebs off each other before glaring at ANITA
ANITA: annoyed What? What! Just because I was a little slow updating!
ALL: glare again before resuming plot
SPIKE: HEY! Why am I in the monkey cage? rattles bars LET ME OUT!
ANITA: No. You're funnier in the cage. Plus Kaye wanted some eye candy.
KAYE smirks, SPIKE sulks
A loud rumbling comes from the door ANGELUS is behind. ALL gasp
SUMMER: Wh-Wh-What's that NOISE!
BUFFY: I recognise that sound………wait, it's only Angel snoring.
ANITA: What the hell? Wake up you lazy git! We're trying to make a damn spoof here!
ANGELUS: mumbling Mummy…mu…wakes with a start WHAT?
FAITH: smirks Loving the drool, baby.
ALL: snigger derisively
THE SPECTATORS: hoot and rattle the bars
ANGELUS: growls and wipes the drool away before grabbing a huge stick to poke the SPECTATORS with
SPECTATORS: look abashed and cower
BUFFY: Wait……weren't you just trying to kill us?
ALL: nod thoughtfully
ANGELUS: Yeah but I can't get the splinters out of my fangs from sleeping in the door.
VICKY POLLARD: Yerbutnobutyerbutnobutyer but you can't just do that coz you can't be a vampire just by biting someone you have to pull their eyelashes out as well. And OHMYGOD Sienna just got off with Kaye.
ANGELUS: What the……?
VICKY POLLARD: OHMYGOD I don't believe you just said THAT!
THE SPECTATORS: laugh at the double act
KAYE: What the hell? I hate you Sienna! JUDE'S MINE!
a fight ensues in the monkey cage, and SIENNA loses half her hair
KAYE: restrained by a straight jacket Bitch!
SIENNA: cries like a wuss ALFIE! Jude, where ARE YOU?
JUDE LAW: hides behind JULIAN Shit! turns to AUDIENCE You know what I mean?
ANGELUS: picks up the chainsaw Mwahahahahaha!
sounds of the chainsaw demolishing the door are heard, and JULIAN points towards the door into the rest of the house
ALL: scream and run into the creepy wallpapered corridor
ANGELUS: trips over the Oriental screen and is knocked out
THE SEXY VAMPIRES: roll eyes
THORA BIRCH: What a LAME-O.
DAMON: What a FREAK. walks menacingly after the receding screams.
STEFAN: Wait……aren't we the good guys in this spoof?
DAMON: thinks No. grins evilly and continues with his badass swagger
STEFAN: Huh? But…but… sees ANGELINA JOLIE in the monkey cage and puts on a badass look Yeah damn straight we're evil. Mwahaha.
DAWN: creeps out from behind the fallen screen Mom? Buffy?
THE SEXY VAMPIRES: laugh evilly
DAWN is easily overpowered by DAMON and STEFAN and handcuffed with Samarus Brand Kinky Black Handcuffs to the monkey cage. THE SPECTATORS grab sticks and poke her. DAWN whines. Again.
SPIKE: Ha. Get out of that, Key.
ALL WHO GET IT: snigger
STEFAN: Now some more of that blood…… what's in that stuff?
ANGELINA JOLIE: Ecstasy and Grooble Juice.
STEFAN: drags his eyes back up to her face What?
ANGELINA JOLIE: rolls eyes
DAMON: drags STEFAN towards the door
ELENA: wakes up Wh…Where are….Where are my panties? WHERE are my PANTIES? They gonna think I'm a HO!
DAMON: looks down at the Bridget Jones style knickers on the floor These yours?
ELENA: Shit. Um……no?
STEFAN: looks appalled Jesus, Elena. No wonder you're a virgin.
ELENA: WHAT? It was wash day!
ELENA: grabs the knickers and glares
STEFAN: sneaks a look at ANGELINA Come on Damon. We have EVIL stuff to do. winks broadly
TYLER DURDEN: nods Self improvement is masturbation.
DAMON: backs away Whoa lil' bro. Let's sort this out now…… I ain't gay.
DAFYDD: I'm the only GAY in THIS SPOOF!
SPIKE: No you're not.
KAYE: Damn! ticks another guy off her list
SPIKE: Sorry love.
ALL have come to peep around the door to look at DAFYDD and SPIKE in the monkey cage
COLIN FARRELL: suspiciously Whoa guys let's keep the kit on, yeah?
Both SPIKE and DAFYDD look appreciatively at COLIN FARRELL
COLIN FARRELL: backs nervously into the corner behind a DAFT PUNK ROBOT
DAFT PUNK ROBOT #1: Meep.
RYAN PHILLIPPE: wipes sweat off his chest with a casual flick
ALL GIRLS: sigh
RYAN PHILLIPPE: Aww come on Katherine. Not AGAIN.
BUFFY: But my name isn't Katherine in this! It's Buddy!
ANITA: points at script
BUFFY: squints OH! Uhh I mean Buffy, my name is BUFFY, yeah! to ANITA What kind of ditzy name is Buffy!
ANITA: Hey don't blame me. Blame Joss Whedon.
JULIAN: WHOA STOP EVERYBODY!
ALL: pause dramatically
JULIAN: clearing throat and wandering into the centre Considering this spoof is supposed to be about ME, I don't think this is focussed on me at ALL. stamps foot Where's my goddamn AGENT!
JENNY: soothes JULIAN There there, you know you're the star. looks at SPECTATORS and rolls eyes
ANITA: muttering Ever since he got that modelling contract he's been far too egotistical.
JULIAN: I HEARD THAT!
STEFAN and DAMON grab JULIAN
JULIAN: What the hell are you doing? Put me down, before I set you on fire!
ELENA: STEFAN! I KNEW IT! You're such a fag.
DAMON: sniggers See even your girlfriend knows.
STEFAN: with a desperate look at ANGELINA JOLIE I'm NOT GAY!
SPIKE: Yeah. Denial. That's the first stage DAFYDD nods in agreement
STEFAN drops JULIAN unceremoniously on the ground.
JULIAN: OW! Watch what you're doing you fang-faced fag!
STEFAN jumps on JULIAN and tries to beat him up and bite him. JULIAN barely lifts a finger as runes spelling out GAY appear in glowing sparkly pink letters above STEFAN'S head. ALL howl with laughter
ZACH (THE WEIRD GUY from American Beauty): That's BEAUTIFUL. gets out camera and films STEFAN
STEFAN: looks around at all the laughing people and scowls What? What are you laughing at?
TOM: Take a look in the mirror.
STEFAN wanders towards a conveniently placed corner mirror and peers in
JEAN-CLAUDE: Il est un Dumbass. Oui, ma petite?
ANITA BLAKE VAMPIRE EXECUTIONER: Yeah. Vampires don't have reflections, you freak. And you call yourself a vampire. You wouldn't last a DAY in St. Louis.
ALL VAMPIRES smirk at STEFAN
JEAN-CLAUDE: seemingly pulls out a black card from the air and hands it to STEFAN This is the number for my club, Guilty Pleasures. If you ever want a job sometime, just ring. smiles seductively
STEFAN looks alarmed
AUDREY: Too bad he's gay. He's fit.
DEE: What's that Pats…Audrey? I thought you wanted ME. to STEFAN You complete bastard ya.
AUDREY: looks alarmed at DEE and moves away towards STEFAN
STEFAN: looks at AUDREY coming towards him and grins
ELENA: looking enraged STEFAN! You man whore! cracks ANITA'S whip
STEFAN looks ashamed
JULIAN, MICHAEL, DAMON and TOM all look at ELENA appreciatively
JENNY and AUDREY glare at the boys
ANITA: amused I wouldn't have figured Julian and Mike for kinky guys. Explanations, anyone?
JULIAN: shoots ANITA a seductive, secretive look
ANITA: rolls eyes I see no answer is forthcoming looks curiously at a noise from JENNY
JENNY: blushes red and looks down
JULIAN: grins wider
ANITA: Ahh. I see. What about Michael then? Mr. Rumpled Teddy Bear likes the whip? winks
ALL: look revolted
ANITA: Yeah. cringes Sorry for that image, I take it baaaaaack.
MICHAEL looks uncomfortable and backs away down the corridor, opening a door and closing it after him. Screams are heard shortly afterwards. ALL look mystified except for JENNY, JULIAN, JULIANA and ANITA.
ANITA: FOOL! He went through the monster door, didn't he?
JULIAN and JULIANA smile innocently. MICHAEL comes tearing back into the room with only shreds of clothes on.
MICHAEL: OH MY GOD! THERE'S A THREE-HEADED DOG BEHIND THAT DOOR!
ANITA: Ah, so that's what happened to Fluffy! I wondered.
HAGRID (SPECIAL GUEST APPEARANCE): I 'ad a bit too much Floo powder, y'see.
ALL HARRY POTTER FANS: Ah. nod understandingly
ANITA: Whatever. tries not to fall asleep Man you guys are BORING me.
ALL: look offended
ANITA BLAKE VAMPIRE EXECUTIONER: Well I think it's the author's fault. It's not our fault if we're given bad scripts and no plot.
ANITA: astonished Watch it! You'll be in the cage next!
ANITA BLAKE VAMPIRE EXECUTIONER: Bite Me.
ANITA, ALL VAMPIRES, COLIN FARRELL and CPTN JACK SPARROW: Gladly!
JEAN-CLAUDE: Well ma petite, that was an invitation if I ever heard one. smirks
ANITA BLAKE VAMPIRE EXECUTIONER: pulls out a gun Back off! IT'S LOADED!
ANITA: whispers to ANITA BLAKE This is a spoof. Your gun is loaded with rubber mice.
ANITA BLAKE VAMPIRE EXECUTIONER: What the hell? shoots at STEFAN to check
A rubber mouse hits STEFAN in the crotch. STEFAN doubles over and falls to the ground in writhing spasms. ANITA BLAKE VAMPIRE EXECUTIONER smirks and puts the gun away.
JEAN-CLAUDE: Nicely done, ma petite.
ANITA BLAKE VAMPIRE EXECUTIONER: Quit calling me that or I'll set the mice on you.
AMY THE RAT: Squeak!
WILLOW: She says she's a rat, not a mouse.
ANITA BLAKE VAMPIRE EXECUTIONER: pulls out gun and aims it at AMY THE RAT I don't appreciate being corrected. Would she like to say anything else!
AMY THE RAT: cowers and looks apologetic
WILLOW: Umm she says sorry?
ANITA BLAKE VAMPIRE EXECUTIONER: Good. mutters Jesus, where's the King of The Wererats when you need him?
ALL WHO GET THE REFERENCE: shake heads solemnly
Suddenly a loud bang is heard and three figures appear, lying prone on the floor. ALL look at them with curiosity and amazement. After a few moments they start to move, making noises of discomfort.
ANITA: Who the HELL are YOU? You're crashing my spoof!
THE MYSTERY THREE GUESTS look around at the assembled cast and the silent SPECTATORS in the monkey cage, no doubt wondering what madhouse they are in.
MYSTERY GUEST #1: I am L. J. Smith!
ALL gasp, and ANITA looks scared. ALL FORBIDDEN GAMERS and BONNIE, ELENA, STEFAN and DAMON look interestedly at their creator.
DAMON: I must say, I am pleased to make your acquaintance. Anybody with an imagination amazing enough to create ME is obviously somebody worth knowing.
L.J.SMITH: Why thank you Damon. looking him up and down interestedly You are exactly how I would have pictured you. Actually, you are a little shorter, but never mind.
DAMON: looks slightly offended Hmm.
L.J. SMITH looks round at all the characters that ANITA has 'borrowed' until she finds ANITA herself.
L.J.SMITH: Ah…Anita, I presume?
ANITA: looks scared I put a disclaimer in, honest.
L.J.SMITH: Actually, I'm not here about that. Although that is good to know. Because I do, in fact, have the ability to sue your ass if I want. smiles Not that I would, of course.
ANITA: looks around at the rest of the cast who are clearly pleased to see the AUTHOR scared Yeah well…you can be in the spoof if you want. Because this is a tribute to you, yeah! edges away
JABLES: singing this is just a tribute!
L.J.SMITH: Well how could I possibly turn such an offer down? catches sight of JULIAN and stares
JULIAN preens as yet another female melts. JENNY looks annoyed and everyone else rolls their eyes
JULIAN: Welcome to my world. puts on the 'dangerous look'
L.J.SMITH: You must be Julian. You are EXACTLY how I imagined you. smiles smugly then sees JENNY. Damn. You're here too.
ANITA: looking put out OK, ok, time to get back to your scripts people. looking round at the bored faces NOW!
ALL jump and start hunting for scripts
ANITA: OK now the next thing is that all you…stops as she is interrupted AGAIN What now?
MYSTERY GUEST #2: Excuse me? What are you doing with MY characters!
ANITA: What? Who the hell are you?
MYSTERY GUEST #2: Laurell K. Hamilton. And I think you'll find that I don't want people usurping my characters for their own FILTHY purposes.
ANITA: My purpose isn't filthy!
SCISSOR SISTERS: COZ YOU'RE FILTHY! OO AN' I'M GORGEOUS!
ALL start bopping
ANITA: I'm just a humble AUTHOR trying to write a SPOOF. I'm only trying to make the world a funnier place! IS THAT A CRIME?
LAURELL K.: No. But stealing my characters is.
ANITA: It's not stealing, it's 'borrowing'.
LAURELL K.: Whatever. I want them back. turning to the cast ANITA BLAKE! JEAN-CLAUDE! Come on, we're leaving now!
JEAN-CLAUDE and ANITA BLAKE look startled and annoyed
ANITA BLAKE VAMPIRE EXECUTIONER: pointing at LAURELL K Look here lady, I ain't your dog. I have my own life and I am not going to be ordered round like some pet. looks indignant Especially from someone who made me choose between two hunky guys. I'm staying here.
JEAN-CLAUDE: I second that. I stay with ma petite.
LAURELL K.: No. I own you. Get your asses over here NOW!
ANITA BLAKE VAMPIRE EXECUTIONER: pulls out the mini Uzi Don't. Argue. With. Me. I don't want to go back to that series. You're making me into a whore. looks at all the ANITA BLAKE fans for support Right guys?
ANITA BLAKE FANS: YEAH!
ANITA BLAKE VAMPIRE EXECUTIONER: See?
LAURELL K.: You can't do this! flustered I OWN YOU!
At a signal from ANITA BLAKE, ALL VAMPIRES pounce on LAURELL K and bundle her into the monkey cage.
LAURELL K.: I refuse to allow this. pulls at door Let me out at ONCE!
ANITA: smirks No. Way to go Executioner!
ANITA BLAKE VAMPIRE EXECUTIONER: Thanks. grins It's way more fun here than in the series. You get to meet loads of hunky new people. And freaks. I like it.
ANITA: Aww thanks. Come back in the next one if you want. And bring Richard with Jean Claude, it'll be fun.
ANITA BLAKE VAMPIRE EXECUTIONER: nods Ok, cool. Can I meet him again? points at the monkey cage
CPTN JACK SPARROW: Who, me? looks piratey and cool
ANITA BLAKE VAMPIRE EXECUTIONER: No. Him. points next to him
CPTN JACK SPARROW: sorrowfully Oh.
ANITA: What, The Guy With The Cheese? looks dubiously at ANITA BLAKE
ANITA BLAKE VAMPIRE EXECUTIONER: No! What does his name tag say? Oh yeah, 'The Drunken Irish Tosser.'
COLIN FARRELL: offended Thanks a lot, Short Bossy Freak.
ANITA BLAKE VAMPIRE EXECUTIONER: amused HA! I like him already. And he's hunky.
ANITA: nods Indeed.
JEAN-CLAUDE: pointedly Ma petite?
ANITA BLAKE VAMPIRE EXECUTIONER: Oh yeah. It's ok Jean Claude, I'll share.
COLIN FARRELL: looks very alarmed
ANITA: What? Is everyone here gay?
JULIAN, COLIN FARRELL, ELENA and JENNY: No.
Everyone else looks very interested in the creepy wallpaper
LAURELL K.: When I get out of here you are so sued!
JULIAN: I have an idea! points at LAURELL K and says something under his breath. LAURELL K keels over, fast asleep. Two Troblins pull LAURELL K out of the cage and at JULIAN'S direction, take her out of the room and upstairs into the closet from JENNY'S GRANDFATHER'S basement.
ANITA: Nicely done, Julian! gives JULIAN a pom –pom
ALL: entranced by the shiny pom-pom OOOOOOOOO!
ANITA: Right. We'll get her out later. Or I might just forget. smirks evilly
L.J.SMITH: Nice twist.
ANITA: Thanks. beams
A groan is heard from the last of the prone figures on the floor. ALL stare.
MYSTERY GUEST #3: Whe...Who the heck are you people?
ANITA: sighing We are the spoofers. We want to have freedom to live our lives without being bothered by possessive authors and disclaimer rights! dramatic sigh
MYSTERY GUEST #3: Oh. I thought you were just a gang on PCP.
ANITA: Oh. frowns That sounds like something the Sunnydale High principal would say to the cops about a vampire attack scoffs
ALL WHO GET THE REFERENCE nod
MYSTERY GUEST #3: HA! Don't tell me you're the fans of Buffy The Vampire Slayer and Angel.
ANITA: Yeah we have some strange people here who follow the shows religiously.
MYSTERY GUEST #3: Well... do you know who I am?
ALL peer at the guy Ummm...no, sorry
MYSTERY GUEST #3: Pah. And you call yourselves FANS! I am... JOSS WHEDON!
ANITA: What a surprise! And you aren't just the third in a series of random character owners coming to whup my ass for steal...borrowing your characters. For one LITTLE spoof!
SPIKE: How obvious that plot 'twist' was. It's about as twisted as a runover spoon.
ANITA:...Yeah...looks bemused Whatever.
JOSS WHEDON: Actually, that's not why I'm here at all.
Ok that's all for now folks, review please and I'll update soon!