sometime during season 6

Buffy contemplates Spike for once, after another recent sex marathon

Sleep... sleep... dammit, go to sleep...

Why isn't he asleep yet?! I need to go, and I always leave when he's asleep, but he's NOT asleep, therefore I can't leave! The trademark self-disgust has already done it's little 'Shame, Buffy, Shame' thing, and now I've gotta be taking off...

Except that it's times like this... after the disgust settles... that it fades just as quickly, and I... end up wanting to... maybe... stay.

God, what's happened to me? Why am I like this?

He's innocent in this. Okay, so not innocent, persay... but how could I have completely dropped so low, that I use and abuse someone who loves me?

Because he does love me. He does. Because he's the only one. He's seen every inch of me... physically, emotionally; he's seen the nastiness (and worse, has been subjected to it), the helplessness, the kindness... he loves me no matter how or who or what I am, because he's the only one who actually sees me. And no mayyer how much I try to deny it, what I am is something completely different than the normal human girl I've always strived to be. Because I know better, now. I've felt it inside of me. He's made me feel it.

I am the darkness and light.

I am absolute.

The one girl in all the world, remember?

And for some reason, he's the only vampire in the world that can handle me.

He tries so hard. But no matter what he does, no matter how sweet, gentle, caring, honest, blunt, or rude he is, I can't let him in.

But it's times like these... that I take the time to reflect... that I remember how beautiful and powerful he makes me feel... how beautiful he makes the world around me seem, no matter where we are, or what we're doing...

It's times like this that I actually take the time... to notice how beautiful he is when he sleeps.


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