Forever not yours

Warnings/notes : Bakura/Ryou, hints at Yami/Yugi and Seto/Joey, Bakura pov, predictable plot, oocness [esp. Bakura]

Disclaimer : I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh. The song 'Forever not yours' belongs to A-ha. The chorus is repeated a few more times at the end, but I cut that part. (In case you wondered).

written at 14th july 2003, by Misura

Ryou calls his yami 'Bakura' ; I know it may sound a little odd since it's *his* name too, but ...


//Hold me tight

This is a lonely night//

I love to watch him while he sleeps ; he's always smiling when he does. When our minds were still linked, I could have peeked into his head, to see what made him smile like that.

Not anymore. We're separated beings now ; he's alone, finally rid of me and I am lonely.

I've heard it said you don't know what you have until you lose it. It's true.

Yet at the same time it's not ; I knew what I had all along. Only I was too blind to see its true value. But from the moment a boy called Ryou Bakura put the Millenium Ring around his neck and the sound of his heartbeat woke me up, I was aware of him.

Aware of his dreams, his desires ... his longing for someone like me. Someone who didn't need words to understand what he meant to say. A soulmate.

//And I've hurt you baby

Because you are my light//

What a disappointment I must have been ; so like him in looks, so unlike him in temper. I can't be what he deserves ; what he deserves is someone much more caring.

Make no mistake ; I do care for my hikari. How could I not, being what I am? But the ways in which I show my feelings only make him hurt.

My nature is violent, like his is peaceful.

I fight for the people I love, while he'd rather sacrifice himself before letting anyone get harmed. Yet while I was his yami in all ways, he couldn't keep me from taking over whenever he was in danger. In a way, I was linked to his courage ; the one emotion he allowed himself to tap into when someone or something threatened him.

//Make me strong

Just like you make me weak//

In a way I admire his innocence, his seemingly indestructable belief in goodness, even if his soul and body wear the bruises that prove the futility of this.

Would there be more or less scars if I hadn't been there?

He let me live with him without any objections, and at the time I thought it was best for both of us that way ; I'd have a place to get used to the changed world, that wasn't so very different in some ways, and he'd have me still around to protect and defend him.

I have studied the many new ways the strong have found to prey on the weak, the ways they hide their crimes behind words, and decided that they made me sick.

Yes, I am sadistic, and yes, you may think I'm a bastard, but even I have my limits. At least I'm honest about how I am.

//When your hands reach out for me

Even in your sleep//

He really does look angelic while he sleeps. Unwillingly my hand reaches out to his long white locks, flowing over his pillow like woven moonlight.

I want to stroke it, feel its silken touch on my fingertips. Compared to his, my own hair feels like straw. Not that it matters ; the only one whom I'd want to make it soft for is too afraid of me to even consider touching me.

My own fault that, like so many of my other misfortunes, yet one of the few I regret.

" 'kura." His soft voice murmurs. For a moment I think I'm caught, but a quick look at his eyes that are still closed reassures me.

//(I 'll soon be gone now)

Forever not yours//

He smiles when he speaks my name, as if he likes its taste. Perhaps I misheard ; I'm pretty sure my hikari isn't that fond of me. I'm his unwanted burden and responsibility.

The next words make me even more sure I've mistaken some sound for the name they have given me. Or maybe I'm dreaming all this.

"I love you so much it hurts."

The thought that there's someone in his heart has never crossed my mind before somehow. Neither have I ever noticed my hikari paying overly much attention to anyone in particular ; he must have been hiding his feelings because ... because of me?

Even Yugi's yami growls whenever someone comes near his hikari, so it makes sense mine would expect me to respond even less well to anyone becoming close to him.

//(It won't be long now)

Forever not yours//

Yet another good reason for me to leave ; without me hanging around him my hikari can confess his feelings to whomever the lucky person he loves is and live happily ever after with him.

For of course that other person feels the same ; how could anyone *not* love him, with his sweet chocolate eyes and gentle behavior?

They'd better not break his heart either, unless they want me to come and send them to the Shadow Realm! Oh wait, I can't do that anymore. Ah well, I'll make them regret it anyway.

No one causes my hikari pain without being punished for it. Not even me.


They keep coming through//

I don't know if there ever was a time in which we were partners, allies, like Yugi and his yami. Unlike Yugi, my hikari's problems were reasonably mundane ; bullies at school, lack of any kind of attention, things like that.

Where Yugi desperately needed his yami to get him out of the mess his Millenium Puzzle had brought onto him, I was never really needed.

That rattled a little, even though I'm not as eager to be the center of attention as Yugi's yami, who longs for admiration like a kitten for milk.

There's a difference though between being in the middle of the picture and not being in it at all. Besides, there's nothing wrong with acquiring power if those wielding it are all idiots. And so it began, starting me and him, yami and hikari, off as enemies.

Not the best of ways, definitely not the smartest either.

//The good ones hurt more

Than the bad ones do//

I always tried to coax him into talking to me, tried to enter his soul-room to find out about him what he wouldn't tell me. It was no use.

He had already determined I was darkness, his darkness to be precise, whom he'd have to live with for the rest of his days. He may be gentle, yet he's not like Joey who cheerfully lets himself be kissed by the person who insulted him mere minutes ago and probably will do it again too.

It takes a lot to have my hikari change his opinion about something.

//The days were high

And the nights were deep//

I could have adapted in small ways to make him feel less uncomfortable around me, but by the time I even wanted to do that because being shut out by my other half was driving me insane, it was way too late.

I think we could have been good together with some work on both our sides ; we could have found a way to make our differences an advantage rather than a hindrance.

Looking out of the window I notice dawn isn't too far off anymore ; I don't have much time left. He will wake up as the first ray of sun falls on his face, even if it's weekend.

//And I miss you baby

I miss you baby//

I can't help myself ; before I leave him I want to know what it's like to kiss him. Even if he won't know it, wouldn't want me to and even if the memory of that silk skin against my lips will probably haunt me.

I brush his mouth lightly, breathing in his breath, his scent.

He moans, probably still lost in his pleasant dream of his lover. For the first time my numbness is replaced by a stab of pain. Why couldn't he have given me some more chances?

//I'll soon be gone now

Forever not yours//

"I love you, my hikari. Forever." The words I could never utter to him while he was conscious pass my lips easy now, even if my voice is barely audible.

He smiles again, as if he has heard me somehow. As if saying those words has finally set things right between us. I think I will remember him like this ; a gently smiling, forgiving angel.

Sleep well, my hikari. When you wake, you will find the darkness has finally left your life.

//It won't be long now

Forever not yours//

As I walk away, I don't look back. It's something you learn as a tomb-robber ; better not dwell too much on what's behind you.

Yet what's there to look forwards to?

Not that it matters ; for once I have done something purely for someone else. Perhaps some god will take mercy on me for that and finally end my existence.

//I'll soon be gone now

It won't be long now//


Ryou slowly opened his eyes, slightly disappointed to find his dream had been nothing more than that ; a fantasy. His yami didn't have any feelings for him but hate and comtempt.

Still, he kept dreaming about that other Bakura, the one that only existed in his imagination.

That kiss felt so real ...

He closed his eyes and tried to relive it. It didn't work. He sighed as he rose and started to dress. His yami would probably expect him to make some sort of breakfast.

In fact, he was surprised at the silence in the house. Maybe his yami was still asleep.

//Forever not

Forever not yours//

On the kitchen-table he found the note, pinned down by a kitchen-knife. He had to tear it to read it since he wasn't strong enough to pull the blade out of the wood.

He didn't really know what to expect, not the single word that was on it any way.



A/N : If you prefer happy endings, you can consider this a prequel to 'I'm waiting' in which Ryou goes searching for his yami. If you like it sad, well, hope you enjoyed, even if it didn't have suicide! ^^; (I *do* like happy endings, hehe).