Title: All I Really Want
Author: Stoicstella E-mail: Rating: R (definitely)
Summary: Since her mother married Naraku, Kagome bears the cross of her violent home life in silence. To whom could she turn anyway?
Author Notes:This is seriously a long time in coming especially since I had very little trouble writing it, in the past I just was having a very hard time writing anything... I hope this let's everyone get a taste of the juices flowing once more. If you have further questions about the story, or about the pending sequel go ahead and drop me an e-mail or ask in a review and leave your e-mail so I can respond. happy reading.
Disclaimer: Although the original characters do and always will belong to Rumiko Takahashi, the views and assesments found here are the opinions of Stella, and that should be kept in mind.
This is not another Chapter
Bear in mind kids, it's been fun but if you are looking for more, you are looking in the wrong place, this is your last warning.
Table of Contents:

Section one----- The original Plot Outline
Section Two----- deleted Scenes
Section Three--- Character and plot analysis (Aka: the director's commentary)
Section Four---- The sneak preview of the sequel


Section one
The original Plot Outline

Items marked Italic did not get mentioned in the actual story at all items marked bold happened at a different time or in another chapter.


All I Really Want (Main plot points:)

ALL I REALLY WANT--1
-Kagome's mother marries Naraku (scary?)
-Naraku demonstrates inappropriate feelings for Kagome (is this ooc?)
Side story:
-Kagome is friends with Inuyasha
-Inuyasha dated Kikyou, she got into a car accident and is in a comma.
-Inuyasha kind of develops feelings for Kagome, but Kikyou starts to get better, he is conflicted? (is this too soap operaish?)
-Sesshoumaru is in college-- his quiet reserved self, still Inuyasha's half brother and all that goes along with that as well.
-through Inuyasha Kagome meets Sesshoumaru
-sesshys home for Christmas break.
-Kagome has issue with Naraku
-Kagome wants to talk to Inuyasha... Inuyasha is at the hospital with Kikyou
-Kagome doesn't want to tell Sesshoumaru anything
-likewise he demonstrates little interest
-She however doesn't want to go home (obviously)
-They get into an argument.
-Kagome locks herself in the bathroom to cry.
-Bad roads prevent them from returning from the hospital that night
-Sessh neglects to inform his brother of Kagome's presence.
-Sesshoumaru talks to Kagome through the bathroom door.
-a little softer, and nicer
-just short of apologizes.
-they eat and talk together.
-Kagome doesn't tell sessh about Naraku.
-She goes home the next day.


CONCRETE ANGEL--2

-Sesshoumaru begins to develop feelings for Kagome.
-Kagome liked Sesshoumaru, forgave Sessh and even enjoyed his company but is a little caught up in her life.
-Naraku goes to far.
-Kagome runs away.
-Kagome can't think of where to go.
-Kikyou has since awoken
-Inuyasha seems to be avoiding her.
-Her mother won't understand.
-she has no real close friends.
-(sorry Sango and Miroku no dice.)
-Kagome goes to Sesshoumaru's school.
-she is badly beaten and disheveled.
-refuses to tell him extent of what happened
-who hurt her.
-she refuses to let him get her help.
-she begs him to let her stay with him.
-he eventually agrees.
-they spend time together (perhaps we can give a whole chapter over to mindless fluff... I'm a fan of this approach.)


WHAT'S THE POINT--3

-Missing posters begin to go up.
-Kagome's "worried parents" appear on the news.
-A reward is offered for her safe return.
-Sesshoumaru demands to know what happened.
-she says she just can't tell him.
-he won't except that.
-she leaves his apartment
-she is discovered by some police
-she is forced to go home
-her bruises have healed.
-she is labeled a typical run away.
-Stuff goes from bad to worst... as soon as she is back.
-Naraku convinces her mother she needs some punishment for running off.
-Naraku uses this as an excuse to get Kagome alone.
-He tries to rape her (not the first attempt.)
-She attempts to get away, but she can't
-he would have finished the act but her mom comes home.
-she should see the signs but she is oblivious
-maybe in a bit of denial.
-Kagome attempts to run away again.
-Naraku beats her within an inch of her life, she has to go to the hospital.


NO WAY OUT--4

-Sesshoumaru comes to see her.
-he is very angry.
-he takes it a little bit out on her, by being abrupt with her.
-She is very broken, to the aggressive behavior of men.
-Sesshoumaru is not as dense as Kagome's mother... he sees the warning signs, and has a pretty good idea of what is going on.
-Kagome still refuses to tell him.
-she has decided she likes him and doesn't want him to know what Naraku almost did. She is ashamed.
-Kagome begins to get better, and it is almost time for her to come home from the hospital.
-Inuyasha comes to see her, and brings Kikyou
-He is embarrassed that he avoided her the way he did. He has worked through his feelings and still loved Kikyou.
-Kagome tells them in passing that her "family" is coming to take her home next week.
-Inuyasha casually mentions it to Sesshoumaru.
-he still doesn't even know that the two know each other. -Sessh comes to hospital.
-Kagome denies any problems at home (Yet again.)
-sessh does not believe her but stays to visit.
-notices her tense when Naraku arrives.


BACK HOME--5

-Naraku doesn't like that Sessh is visiting Kagome.
-jealous when they get home he attacks her for it.
-Kagome's mom is really in denial.
-He is seconds away from raping her (again)
-Sesshoumaru comes to her rescue.
-they leave together.
-Naraku is pissed, and a little worse for the wear in his confrontation with sessh.
-comes up with a whack story, and calls the police on Sesshoumaru.
-Sesshoumaru takes care of Kagome.
-he tells her it's not her fault
-he promises no one will hurt her anymore.
-The police show up
-they want to arrest Sessh.
-Kagome is still afraid to talk.
-the police want to take Sessh and send Kagome home.
-Kagome starts crying even harder than she had been when the police tell her this news (that was supposed to cheer her up)
-"Look in her in the eyes and tell me I'm the one she's afraid of."


YOU CAN'T SAVE ME--6

-Kagome runs over to Sesshoumaru, clinging to him.
-he tells her it's all right
-the police ultimately take them both in for questioning.
-Kagome is very scared, and won't tell police anything
-Sesshoumaru tells his side, and what he knows of Kagome's in explicit detail.
-Kagome talks to the police psychologist.
-he agrees that Sessh's story seems more likely than Naraku's
-Sessh is charged with assault on Naraku anyway, but is still released into his fathers custody 'til trial (his father is a lawyer)
-Kagome stays in the custody of the police until they decide what to do with her.
-Kagome's "Parents" start demanding she be returned to them.
-Detective warn that if she alleges nothing against them she will be returned to them.
-She looks him in the eye "You can't help me, so don't pretend you can."


THE CHILD IS GONE--7

-Kagome goes home with Naraku.
-detective has a hard time sleeping that night.
-goes to talk to Sessh.
-Sessh relives experience
-Detective tells sessh she is home.
-sessh gets angry. "He's going to kill her." "Why couldn't you just let me protect her; You obviously can't."
-Naraku wastes no time.
-Kagome's mother finds a voice. -Naraku beats her unconscious.
-Kagome tries to get away.
-Naraku catches her in the front yard.
-Pins her to the ground.
-beats her to submission.
-(again with the rape attempts (is this getting old?))

-Sesshoumaru arrives, Detective hot on his tail (to stop him from doing anything "stupid")
-Sesshoumaru gets out of his car and sees the scene that is taking place.
-Naraku pulls a knife out and puts it to Kagome's throat. "You just stand there and watch."
-Detective pulls up.
-Argument ensues.
-Detective shoots Naraku.
-fails to incapacitate him.
-shoots to kill.


Happiness--8

-Kagome goes into therapy.
(for obvious reasons) a little sensitive about sex.
-scarred physically as well as emotionally.
-Kagome's mother is not dead... in a state of financial distress.
-Sesshoumaru tells her he loves her.
-rather emotional issue ensues.
-struggle with emotions, therapy, memories, drugs (happy pills).


SHIMMER--9

-Kagome tells him she loves him too.
-lots of fluff... Coming to terms with her body... removal of shame from sex... feeling beautiful again... hope.


Section 2-- Deleted Scenes
Chapter Five: Scene Four:

The police officer in the heavily starched blue shirt sat across from him and took yet another sip of coffee. He was writing again and Naraku was beginning to lose his temper.

"Do you intend to do nothing?"Naraku voiced suddenly a heavy threat in his voice.

"Certainly not, sir..."the officer replied distractedly as he continued to write in his little notebook. "I'm just trying to get all the facts."

"Well, I have told you everything I know... He has our daughter you know...?"

"Yes, and your sure she's there against her will?"

"look at me!"Naraku stood, his patience gone. "Look at my nose! You think I did this to myself? What are you waiting for?"He shouted suddenly grabbing hold of the notebook and causing the officer to meet his eyes.

"Fine sir. Someone will go check him out."

"Someone had better!"


Chapter Nine: Scene Two:

He was writing a term paper, on ridicuoslly difficult subject matter and he was still giving it only half of his attention. 'I used to be able to this without any trouble' he thought with only a halfhearted disgust 'Why does Kagome own such a huge part of my life, when she's no longer in it?' Sesshoumaru heaved a defeated sigh as he dropped his pen in frustrastion. The sentence he had just written stirred up some random memory of Kagome that he had been unable to bury.

"Damn it" Sesshoumaru chastised himself. All along he knew he was being foolish, but now he had shut himself off from that path, and assured himself that he had no remorse for doing so. He didn't appreciate being made the fool, and he refused to be made one twice.

'I decided those feelings on a whim, and then brashly admitted them, leaving myself exposed for ridicule, or dissappointment.' He turbned his head away from the discarded pen, and picked up his coat, determined to find at least one activity that didn't haunt him with the happy memories he loathed 'I was wrong all along for having done so, and There will be no next time.'

His hand was already gripping the cold knob when the telephone rang. Despite himself he felt his heart skip a beat... 'This time, it's her for sure; this call will be the one.'


Chapter Nine: Scene Four:

It was raining again, ice cold, freedom dripped through the hole in her collar sticking the material fast to her back like wallpaper paste. Frenzied, and all consuming, Kagome knew, the rain could hide her from her worries, could wash away her pain... for a while.

Breifly, she parted her eyes slightly against the insistent downpour letting the water get into her eyes and burn and sting not even wiping them to hurry a relief. She was watching the headlights of a car turning down her street. At the corner she could see their rain dimmed beams shining like a becon of hope, that hollow hope in her stomach she got every time a car drove by. But this time the car would contain him... Sesshoumaru, would finally be here to take her away.


Section Three-- Character and Plot analysis
Aka the Director's Commentary

From the time I first wrote out the outline until I wrote the last words of the story in my mind I knew I was telling a tale. The characters don't share my views, the things that happen with love or life or any given situation were not my ideal occurences. This story was not meant to be my refuge to utopia. My characters were flawed, my plot line disturbing, my resoulution tinted with tragedy. Below are my real thoughts, on the situations in my story.


Main Characters
Thoughts on Kagome:
Kagome in this storyline has obtained a couple of undesirable psychological issues due to the events of the story: particularly and most importantly her father complex. This becomes very evident throughout the events of the story as she begins to rely heavily on the first male character that shows her any interest. Because of her lack of a positive male role model and her increasing need for a strong support and protection she begins to latch on and rely on Sesshoumaru to protect and care for her... this is a twisted psychological dependence wrongly thought of as love.

Kagome's Actions:
As an abuse victim Kagome is pretty typical, she takes a good deal of blame on herself, and spends much of the her time trying to hide the abuse that both humilates and controls her. Her actions toward Naraku are one's of both caution and confusion. Kagome flees the abuse rather than facing it, which emotionally is a mistake, although as far as her physical well being goes it was probably a good idea. But as far as closure goes, Kagome still has a long road ahead of her. There has been no symbolic act to restore her place as the controller of her own life, which will leave her weak and in need of some sense of outer control now that the abuser has been removed.

Kagome's feelings:Kagome is very confused emotionally, she wants security and protection, which all this time she has found from Sesshoumaru, which leaves her with a false sense of dependance on him. She feels safe with him and dependant on him and though they have nothing really in common she misconstrues these feelings for love.

Kagome's ending:
Kagomes ending is profoundly abrupt and unresolved, almost offensively to people with sense. She announces that she loves this man and that they will be happy together for a long time, though this prophecy is naive at best. It does not take much to feel the problem from the get-go... what would a relationship between these two hold? Very little... nothing. They are bonded only by sharing opposite sides of the same tragedy, they have no other shared likes or dislikes (that we know of) and they seem to have no other basis for a relationship. Driven together by tragedy, Kagome need not even add the rest of her emotional baggage to the equation before it begins to sag under the weight. This is a doomed pairing.

Thoughts on Sesshoumaru:
Sadly Sesshoumaru's character lacks a certain dimension about himself. The story serves to show the parts of his life such as family, school and even to an extent his feelings about these things, but never does it talk too deeply about Sesshoumaru's hobbies or pastimes, the things that a relationship is essentialily built on likenesses and likemindedness. Sesshoumaru is strong in body, mind and will. He is a little obsessed with this girl who is associated with his brother with whom he has rivalry, he get's entangled in her innocent needs protecting cycle, and viola a semi-relationship is formed. His desire to protect her and the feelings that he gets when he is sure he has kept her safe may have been misconstrued as love... or maybe he just became attached and a little obsessed with her and never really possessed any concept of what love is.

Sesshoumaru's Actions:
Sesshoumaru acts as a protector to Kagome, who in her abused mind has become so powerless to almost be even more childlike and naive than she already was at 15. This places him immediatly in the father figure catagory, protector, provider, caregiver... a dangerous postion for a girl who is feeling out of control and desperate for love. And when he comes to the final rescue rather than Kagome being able to rise and rescue herself he seals his fate as the dominant force that Kagome can cling to when she can not get control of her own life again. His actions are heroic not to be confused with romantic.

Sesshoumaru's Thoughts:
Right away inside Sesshoumaru's mind you can see his obsession with Kagome bloom and grow. He does not think of her in terms of a person, but in terms of an ideal or a situation. When he first meets her he thinks of her only as his brother's "friend" someone to hate by proximity... but then he immidiately switches gears to thinking about her problems. It never occurs to him in his mind to address her as an individual person, like what sort of a student Kagome is, what bands she listens to, what things she likes to do in her spare time when she is not passed out and needing his care and protection. He feels possesive and protective of her sure, but that does not mean that he values her opinion or even her time... which they did not spend too much of together, at least not when both of them were conscious.

Sesshoumaru's ending:
Sesshoumaru probably would have come out better had he agreed to be friends with Kagome when she asked rather than trying to force her as a love in his mind... the tragedy that surrounded them made them cling to eachother without giving so much as a second thought to similarites... by all rights their friendship likely would have dwindled and dissipated after only a short time once they realized they knew next to nothing about eachother... but who knows maybe they have loads in common... wouldn't it have been nice if they had taken the time to find out?


Secondary Characters:
Thoughts on Kagome's Mother:

Now Kagome's mother got a lot of bad press in the review section of this story, and I felt that was just not fair, really. She may not be a strong person, but she was doing the best with what she had. Psychologically, she was probably in a good deal of denial and even beyond that there was no real indication that there was anything wrong... and inside in the end a lot of blame weighed heavily on her.

Mama's Actions
A lot of readers became enraged at Mama's inactions in the story. The things she didn't do and didn't say seemed to come down on her like a crime... I was a little shocked at first at the amount of outrage I saw towards her... but than again she was supposed to be Kagome's most trusted protector and she not only put her in danger but waxed oblivious... she even took Naraku's smooth talking side time and time again. This is sadly, not uncommon for the spouse of an abuser, and is often a result of denial.

Mama's denial
A lot of the things that seemed to go on right under mama's nose, and seemed so painfully obvious to us, were not necessarilly so cut and dry to her. Imagine the man you love... insert dream guy here, you chose him and you are willing to accept a certain amount of faults but there is no way that you can even imagine him capable of the level of things her husband was engaged in. It is only natural for her mind to reject the notion, because it is too hard a thing to accept even when all fingers are pointing at him, which in this case they just weren't. Naraku is a smooth talker, he told a tale that no one refuted and she was only too glad to believe because the tales he spun were alot easier to swallow than any version of the truth.

Mama's ending
I'm quite pleased with Mama's ending she came out on top as far as I am concerned. She is still dealing with psychological issues and probably a unhealthy dose of denial when we last see her, but she has made a bigger step than Kagome is yet to make, she has faced her attacker. A commonly missunderstood section (poorly written I fear) is Mrs. Higurashi's jumbled mind after Naraku beats her for trying to defend Kagome... this is why she is in the hospital, she got a little piece of redemption but none too many took notice. Of course she is still her agrivating self at the end of the story, but she did make a step in the right direction.

Thoughts on Naraku:
A lot of people mistake Naraku as a pervert or a pedophile, but it's just not so. He is a control freak that uses sex as a means of punishment fear, humilitaion and control. He is excerting a sort of power over Kagome by his repeated attempts to sexually assault her... along with the violence comes the element of control.

Naraku's Actions:
Naraku is an actor. He controls every sitiuation he gets into without much concern. He wants to control Kagome, probably because not being able to break her spirit would make him feel weak somehow. There is probably something from his childhood that made him go wrong, and he probably murdered small animals and tortured his fellow students as a kid. Kagome is no doubt not the first or last person he has tried to control completely.

Naraku's thinking:
Possibly Naraku was threatened by Kagome's free spirit, by her mother's love for her, or maybe he just wanted ultimate domination as soon as possible. Either way he saw Kagome as somthing he needed to push down and keep down, and her constant bids for safety were no doubt enraging. In fact I think that nothing risked Kagome's life more than the humilation that Naraku suffered at the hands of Sesshoumaru... an abuser does not like to be made to feel small, and he will immediately thwart someone weaker than him to feel big again. Sesshoumaru may have been the white knight, but he left Kagome in grave danger when the police returned her home.

Naraku's ending:
Many were dissappointed I did not kill off Naraku... I thought though that a vegetable was a more suitable end... alive and in constant pain with no control over anything (not even his bladder) seems karmically sound... but maybe that's me.

Thoughts on Inuyasha and Kikyou:
Inuyasha and Kikyou though going through bizare circumstances actually end up with the healthiest relationship in the story. They have a love you can feel good about even as the wariness about the sesshoumaru and Kagome match sets in. They love eachother, but more importantly they like eachother, the mention characteristics and anecdotes and things that get on eachoter's nerves... they have an actual relationship... these two characters end up being pretty minor, but I think their presence also serves as an example of what is wrong with the main couple's relationship.


Sneak peak: Rebellion

Chapter 1: Sesshoumaru

The most appalling thing about Kagome was her hair, or lack thereof. This was as a result of the manic fit last week during which she proceeded to take a bathroom razor and try to shave it all off. The fact that she only finished half the job would encourage most people to have it professionally finished, or at the very least fixed, but in Kagome's case this neither needed to or apparantly was going to happen. For some reason, there was nothing more appalling to Sesshoumaru's delicate sensibilites than a half shaved head.

A week after proclaiming he loved her, Sesshoumaru began to quietly hate his girlfriend, and roughly a month after that the volume began to slowly go up and up on the inner conflict, until every once and a while their relationship would just explode into what happened last week, and then the cycle would begin to repeat itself. The problem was, that neither of them really liked the other. They had very little (if anything) in common, sex was a stressful and often avoided issue, and they only seemed to speak to eachother when arguing. But they begrudgingly loved eachother, and after a year of living together, felt stuck in the pattern so tightly neither even bothered to ponder a way out.

After a fight she would fall apart, and he would help pick up the pieces... this is the only time they seemed semi-happy in their relationship together. Sometimes Sesshoumaru found himself starting fights with her just to get to this point, because he could think of no other way to interact anymore.