Disclaimer: Oh my god, we're back! Well we must be, because Elly's typing a new disclaimer, right? Oh yeah, the disclaimer: We don't own Gundam Wing or Tenchi Muyo. I know you're probably all shocked, but we don't.No Need For Gundam Wing!
(And for the record, there's really no need to read the first part to enjoy this.)
"Please Marie. I'm asking you before I get the surgery and more then likely die, to marry me!"
"Oh Rocko, I just don't know. What, with my mother sick in the hospital and my aunt going to jail, my father murdered, and just finding out that I have a twin sister…I just don't know if I can handle it."
"Marie, I know that is not the only reason you don't want to marry me. Your nose always twitches when you are lying. What is the real reason, Marie? Tell me!"
"Rocko…I am pregnant!"
"But that is not all. I have a dark secret, Rocko. And…I…I just…"
"Tell me Marie. Tell me before these drugs sink in and I fall into a deep sleep so that I can go to surgery and possibly never wake up to know the answer. Tell me.
"Rocko…I am not just a woman…I am…
"I will survive!!!" Heero shouted as Wing Zero took aim and destroyed MO2.
"Now I get it! Heero's the center of the universe!" Quatre said merrily.
"Mihoshi!!!" A unison of voices boomed over the television.
"It was just getting to the good part! Why did you do that!?" Ryoko demanded.
"But Gundam Wing is on. You always used to like to watch it with me." Mihoshi shrugged, tilting the remote control.
"Mihoshi," Ayeka intoned flatly. "Gundam Wing has already re-runned about four times now. Even though we…enjoy seeing our friends the Gundam Pilots on the television, it gets rather boring after you see it too much."
"But you always used to love the show. Especially, you used to love Heero." The blonde responded innocently.
Ayeka blushed but managed to keep a calm voice. "It is fortunate I did watch the show because now I can see what kind of a person Heero really is." Ayeka glanced at the television screen as a close up of Heero came on. "And he is not the sort of man a princess should take any interest in. Besides, you know how he feels about us."
"I thought that was just Wufei." Sasami said giggling. "He was always so grumpy. It was kinda funny. What about you Ryoko? Do you still like Trowa?"
Ryoko looked up from a screenshot of Trowa. "I never knew he was a circus clown. No wonder he's so freakin' quiet. What a jerk."
"I still think they would have made excellent study subjects. How could five teens get so stupid? Oh wait! Never mind." The estranged scientist laughed to herself. "I could have at least taught them a thing or two before we left. They would never be the same again." Washu continued laughing.
"Well I still like Quatre, and…" Mihoshi was interrupted by an announcement on the television.
"This will be our last episode of Gundam Wing. Starting next week…Potatoes, the friendly food."
There was a momentary silence among the group.
"They're…being taken off the air?" Mihoshi said slowly.
"I guess so…" Ayeka looked at the television, which seemed rather lifeless now.
"They're…being taken off the air?"
"Well…I guess I can't yell at Trowa on the television any more." Ryoko floated away, probably looking for Tenchi.
"They're…being taken off the air?"
"Maybe it's better this way. This way, nobody will have to remember any potentially embarrassing details of when we met." Ayeka stood up and walked away, also probably in search of Tenchi.
"They're…being taken off the air?"
"I better get dinner started!" Sasami ran to the kitchen.
"They're…being taken off the air?"
"Well so much for that show. Maybe it would have done better if it had more episodes." Washu looked rather amused.
"They're…" Mihoshi's eyes grew large. "They're being taken off the air!!!" She lunged and hugged Washu who began turning pale blue.
Mihoshi let her go in favor of clasping her hands together. "But they can't be taken off. What will I watch now?"
"Is it really that bad?"
"What if they're having great adventures now and we don't get to see them?"
"Hmm…that would be rather interesting. I could study them better. But they're already cancelled…" The little scientist paused and then smiled evilly. "At least…they were taken off the air. But not after I get through with them." Washu ran off into her lab to find the pilots' exact coordinates. "I certainly hope I don't take them straight out of one of their spectacular adventures."
"So bored…" Duo sat on Quatre's couch slowly flipping through the channels. His mouth hung open slightly and there was a small amount of drool hanging off his lips. "So bored…nothing on…So bored…" Nothing interesting was happening today. The war was over, Duo was trying to watch television, Trowa and Wufei were engaged in an exciting chess match, Heero was cleaning his gun, and Quatre was managing his checkbook.
"So bored…hey…whadda you wanna do?" Quatre sat down his checkbook.
"I don't know. What do you wanna do?" Heero ignored the question. Trowa was silent. Wufei frowned.
"I dunno. Whadda you wanna do?" Duo repeated, his eyes still focused on the television. Quatre sighed. There was very little to do since he had finished most of the colony repairs ahead of schedule. Way ahead of schedule.
"So bored…so bored…so BORED!!!" Duo leaped up on the coffee table. "I'm going out of my mind! Isn't there anything we can do? Anywhere we can go?"
"Maybe you should try wishing for somewhere to go." Wufei said rather grumpily, moving his knight in front of Trowa's queen. "Check."
"Wish? Would that really work?" Trowa was forced to take Wufei's knight.
"It would at least give you something to do. And a reason to shut up." Heero practiced pointing the gun. It was very shiny.
"Check." Wufei moved his bishop and took Trowa's queen.
"Hmm…" Trowa frowned.
"Well…alright. But I don't see how it would help." Duo got down on his knee and clasped his hands in front of him. Trowa moved his rook to protect his king. "Oh I wish…I wish…I wish I could get away from it all." Duo spread his hands out wide, gave the biggest smile he could muster and somehow made his eyes extremely shiny.
"And I thought Duo couldn't look any stupider." Wufei advanced his queen with a smile. "Sorry Trowa but it looks like I…" Before he could finish there was a sudden flash as all the lights blinked on and off. Heero stood up and pointed his gun in all directions.
"Are we under attack?"
"Uh…dude!" Duo motioned toward the ceiling. The Gundam Pilots looked up. There was a large purple vortex on the ceiling. In mere seconds, the five pilots found themselves being lifted up into the air and into the vortex. All Duo could remember was lot's of purple and then…
"Oof!" The pilots found themselves a heap on the ground; only it was not the same place as before.
"Hey. I think it worked." Duo looked around happily.
"Ah! Nice of you all to join me." There was sudden shock as Washu appeared before the astonished youths.
"You ah…wouldn't have happened to…ah…have wished for somewhere to go too did ya?" Duo looked hopeful.
"Sorry Duo, but I brought you all here to our dimension in order to give you a lesson." There was utter silence. "Come this way please. I'm sure Tenchi and the other's would be glad to know you popped by to say hello before we start." Washu left with an eerie smile on her face.
"This is not what I had in mind when I said I wanted something to do." Duo kicked the ground, put his hands in his pockets and slowly followed.
"Here we go again." Heero said grumpily and complied to follow.
"Maybe I should self detonate first." Trowa reluctantly followed.
"Well I said I would come visit some time, and maybe this won't be so bad." Quatre exited, leaving Wufei behind. He was still holding his queen in his hands.
"Checkmate." He said, throwing the queen into the corner and following behind the others.
Washu tapped a chalkboard with a long pointy stick thoughtfully. She took a moment to adjust her glasses, and to straighten the schoolteacher skirt she was wearing then turned to her 'students,' a shrewd expression plastered on her face.
The five pilots were slumping behind their desks, glancing around hopefully for an escape route. Washu's inter-dimensional rooms were escape proof, it seemed.
"We will now take roll." The scientist grasped the pointy stick with both her hands.
Wufei rolled his eyes. "Why? There's only five of us, and we're clearly all here!"
WHAP! The pointy stick descended onto unsuspecting Wufei's wrist painfully. The other four 'students' grimaced.
"I won't be taking any of that insubordination from you!" Washu said. "Or it's detention, and a little chat with the principal."
"What principal?" Quatre paled.
"Why… me of course." She answered, gently tapping one end of the stick on her palm. "But I won't be nearly so kind as a principal compared to myself as a sweet, compassionate, little schoolteacher!"
Wufei rubbed his wrist, exasperated. "Sweet and compassionate?"
WHAP! "That's 'Little Schoolteacher,' you hoodlum! Now straighten your spines, slackers, we're taking roll!"
The lesson had been learned (at Wufei's expense). They tried to look more scholarly and interested.
"Here," Heero grumbled. In other academic experiences, he had been able to just transfer himself to a new school whenever he wanted, or alter his grades by hacking into the central system. This classroom was claustrophobic, inescapable, and generally uncomfortable. A startled realization came to mind: this must be what your average student feels like!
"Here." Quatre materialized an expensive looking folder and prepared to take notes. The others glared at him.
Dead silence. Everybody turned to witness Duo sleeping face down on his desk.
"Maxwell?!" Washu stamped her foot in irritation. "How could you fall asleep, already? Class hasn't been in session two minutes!"
WHAP! "Ow!" Duo started. "Here! Geez, warn me next time."
"Look out." WHAP! "Warning enough for you?"
Duo ignored the small injuries and began to secretly construct a paper airplane. School would not get the best of him!
"Wufei… or is it Chang?" The 'Little Schoolteacher' scratched her head. "Which is your last name?"
"I keep that a secret to confuse people. I don't think Treize ever figured it out… should have seen the look on his face." Wufei smirked. "Here."
She considered WHAPPING him, but decided it wasn't worth it. "Barton?"
Another dead silence. Everybody turned to see Trowa, not asleep, staring at the pointy stick fearlessly.
"Barton?! What is this crap? Only three-fifths of you pathetic lot knows how to do a roll properly. What's the matter with you?"
"Just say, 'here'." Quatre attempted to be helpful.
WHAP! "No speaking out of turn! Now on with the roll. Barton?"
WHAP! "Is this the silent treatment you're so famous for, or what?" Washu prepared the stick.
"No. But that's not my name." Trowa looked a little shocked at the WHAP he had received but kept a straight face.
"Argh! Fine then, what is it?"
"I don't know."
"That's it. You have detention after class, and I'm marking you down as 'here' whether you like it or not. Now let's begin today's lesson!"
Quatre lifted a pencil, prepared to take notes. Duo launched the paper airplane at the astute pupil, laughing when it got stuck in his blond hair.
WHAP! "Knock it off, Maxwell. This is your only warning."
WHAP! "Hey!" Quatre looked hurt. "Why did you WHAP me?"
"Get that airplane off your head. Now today's subject is: how to make a TV show successful, get good ratings, and run longer than forty-nine episodes. I think you all better pay attention here." She began scrawling some numbers onto the chalkboard. "Rule number one: monsters can be your friends! Don't kill off a threatening beast unless you know there's another one handy that can show up in a few episodes."
Heero's hand shot up.
"Question?" Washu folded her arms.
"What if your universe doesn't have monsters?" The perfect soldier glanced at everybody else's sore wrists and found himself hoping that wasn't a stupid question.
"Rule number one also applies to main villains. Don't kill them off until you're absolutely without any other option to further the plot."
WHAP! "Ouch! Stop hitting me, woman! I didn't do anything." Wufei snarled.
"Yes you did! You broke rule number one." Washu shook her head, a sour expression playing on her features, but it was obvious she was enjoying herself. "Do not kill main villains so capriciously in the future."
"That was a matter of pride!" The pilot looked increasingly angrier.
WHAP! "So was that, but I didn't kill you, did I?" She began writing noisily on the board again. "Rule number two: angst-ridden pasts are a good thing!" She scanned her class. "Eh… heh heh. I think you've got rule number two down. On to rule number three!"
"Wait! You're going too fast!" Quatre was desperately trying to scribble some notes into his notebook. WHAP! He realized his mistake all too late.
"Rule number three is very important, and you can remember it by its acronym: it's the three R's rule. RRR."
"Rest, relaxation, and…" Duo considered a few R words. "Reptiles?" WHAP!
"Don't be stupid! Romance Raises Ratings."
They all groaned.
"Note to self." Washu smacked a hand to her forehead. "Get a five-sided stick so I can WHAP everybody at once." She turned her attention back to the horrified students. "This is very important! No wonder your show got cancelled."
"I hope I don't get WHAPPED for saying this," Trowa began cautiously. "But there's really no room for romance in Gundam Wing."
"Yeah, that's not what it's about." Quatre agreed.
"You're wrong. Everything revolves around romance." She was answered by a quintuplet of confused faces. "I think you need some practice on rule number three. Mihoshi, get in here!"
On cue, Mihoshi entered through a previously unseen portal. She smiled happily, waving at the pilots.
"This," Washu gestured. "Is a 'girl'."
"Well, duh!" Duo tried to block the incoming WHAP, but WHAPS are all-powerful. "Ow…"
"Notice her curves and smooth features?" Washu continued. "These are tell-tale features of 'girls.' Any questions so far?"
"Zechs is a girl?!" Trowa looked mortified. WHAP!
"No!" Washu buried her face in her hands. "This is hopeless! Let's just get straight to some hands-on experiments."
Mihoshi blanched. "Uh… Washu, I didn't sign up for that!"
"That is not what I meant!"
"I'm not that kind of girl!" Mihoshi looked embarrassed.
"Good, because this is not that kind of class!" Washu growled. "Now class, pretend this is a girl from your universe. What do you say to her, Trowa?"
Trowa contemplated this deeply, eyeing Mihoshi up and down. "As little as possible?"
"I'm not going to WHAP you because I should have expected that. Wrong answer! How about you, Heero? What would you say to a cute girl like this?"
"I will kill you." Heero pointed at the cute girl in question threateningly. "I will destroy you!"
"Well gee, that's so romantic… but it's WRONG!" The teacher began to fume. "Does anybody in this class know how to treat a woman? Speak up."
Wufei took the bait. "Women are weak." WHAP! "All they care about are frilly, stupid things." WHAP! "They're just not worth my time." WHAP!
"Anybody in here without the chauvinist attitude?" Washu glared at the classroom. The stick shook furiously. "Pretend for a minute that you actually like this girl. What… do… you… say?!"
"Your place or mine?" Duo cringed.
"Washu!!" Mihoshi objected. "I told you, none of that!"
"That was uncalled for, Duo. Here Mihoshi, get him back if it makes you feel better!" She handed the pointy stick to the blond girl.
Mihoshi leaned over Deathscythe's pilot like a looming vulture. She glanced between the offending flirt and the stick, pondering for a long time.
"So are you going to WHAP me or what?" Duo folded his arms.
"Oh! Stop talking so dirty!" She started whipping him over the head continuously. WHAP! WHAP! WHAP! WHAP! WHAP! WHAP!
Heero chuckled at the spectacle. "Yeah Duo, nice girls don't like your forward attitudes towards WHAPPING." He stopped laughing and met Washu's eye. "I'm not going to get WHAPPED for that, am I?"
"Actually, you're not." The pink-haired genius brightened quite a bit. "Because that's the first sensitive comment any of you have made about woman all day… kinda. Women don't like being looked upon as objects… that's what you're trying to say, right?"
"Sure." Heero smirked at Duo, who was still fending Mihoshi off. "I think the evidence is obvious."
"Exactly." Mihoshi halted the severe beating and brushed her hair back into place. "It hurts my feelings."
"So we just have to respect woman." Quatre wrote as he spoke. "That's easy enough. Do we pass the class?"
Washu leaned upon her desk, a trace of seduction in her movements. "Pass the class? Well, I think you've absorbed rules one and two well enough." She winked. "But rule three isn't only about respect. Let's hear the three R's again."
The pilots glanced at each other and then complied, speaking in unison. "Romance Raises Ratings."
"Right. And there's an awful lot about romance that can't be taught in a classroom. Even by a genius like me. That's where your final assignment comes in."
"Dare we ask what that is?" Trowa ventured.
Washu grinned mischievously. "Mihoshi, you're excused."
Mishoshi was going to argue the point, but saw her friend's serious expression and left.
"Now about that assignment." Washu continued. "You are to woo one of the single young ladies living in this household. If you succeed, you pass the class."
"Wait a minute!" Wufei raged at this development. "You can't make me do that. I'd rather fail."
"Well that's your choice, of course." The instructor studied her fingernails amorously. "But only passing students will be returned to their own universe."
Duo stuttered at that. "W-what? You can't use our freedom as incentive!"
"Duo, Duo, Duo… you accuse me as though you were speaking to a reasonable person. I am a mad scientist and as such I'm prone to rather insane moments. Now let's go over final assignment requirements."
They all gulped with apprehension and began to copy what they saw written on the chalkboard into notebooks.
The board read: "This class is automatically flunked if any of the 'targets' become aware that this is an assignment. Failure also resulted should crazy escape be attempted (besides, you wouldn't get anywhere). Requirements are as follows:
'Target' admits affectionate feelings for you without being coerced, threatened, or drunk in any way. And they mean it!"
Duo finished copying the rules down and then turned to the 'Little Schoolteacher.' "That's it?"
"So basically you want us to get them to say 'I love you'?" Quatre squinted at his messy notes. "That doesn't sound so bad… in fact it sounds pretty simple."
Washu shook her head, tilting her head to one side. "You really underestimate women. They're more of a challenge than you think. Assignments are due in one week."
"Wait…" Heero was stuffing his notes away. "There's a problem with this."
"I'm assuming you're not an eligible target?"
She winked emphatically. "Why Heero… I'm flattered. But you're right, I'm not eligible. Though if you get tired of chasing after the others, you can always come visit me in my laboratory… I stay up late."
Heero ignored the aggressive flirtation. "And Sasami is also disqualified due to age."
"Hey, yeah!" Duo caught on. "Then there's five of us, and only three of them! That's not fair."
"Survival of the fittest." Trowa frowned. "Competition will only make us more efficient."
"Easy for you to be so calm." Duo crumpled his notes and tossed them at the spiky-haired pilot. "Ryoko's already gone after you once!"
"Once bitten, twice shy." Washu piped in. "She was never exactly encouraged… and you forgot to figure Tenchi into the equation."
"This is the worst class ever!" Wufei began pacing across the room. "Even worse than History!"
Quatre was despairing. "Washu… aren't the odds stacked a bit too much against us? Couldn't we bring in one of the girls' friends or something?"
"Or two?" Duo added.
"Well actually…" Washu put a finger to her chin. "I think Mihoshi knows somebody. Class is dismissed."