The gathering observed as Wufei crawled out of the pit of oblivion back into his host spot. "Thanks to that ridiculous moment, you LOSERS have lost all your time this round and only pulled through with $1,000 measly bucks. This is getting really embarrassing you WEIRDOS. I can't believe I actually fought beside some of you jerks. Anyway, it's time to vote off the WEAKEST LINK!"
The people only did what was required of them. Even though nobody really wanted to make any enemies out of this particularly deadly group.
Wufei became vicious. "You idiots have created a four-way tie! I wish I could declare all of you the WEAKEST LINK, but instead, the strongest link gets to make a deciding vote. That just so happens to be Dorothy. So which of these SPACEDORKS will you choose? You can either stick with your vote for Hilde, or choose somebody else."
"Oh goody! Feel my wrath! I am all-powerful now! I choose… Trowa!" Dorothy chuckled.
"Who's Trowa?" Trowa said. "There's no Trowa playing today."
"What are you talking about, Trowa?" Dorothy glared directly at him. "You can't get out of this the cowardly way! Come on Wufei… tell him he's the WEAKEST LINK!"
Wufei shook his head. "You have to use the contestant's actual name, cheesehead."
"That is his name! Trowa Barton, sitting right there!"
"You are really confused." Trowa said.
"Yes, Dorothy." Wufei looked pleased again. "The only acceptable name for that guy, (points at Trowa) is Triton. Or of course, I think the judges would let Spiky-headed mute slip through."
"I can't BELIEVE you're being so PICKY!" Dorothy wailed.
"Well I am." Wufei pointed at her. "And in penalty for your mistake… Dorothy, you ARE the WEAKEST LINK! Goodbye."
Dorothy slinked from her spot moodily. She pointed at Trowa (or whatever) threateningly. "I'm going to stab your friend for that!"
"And now for more commercials!" Wufei grinned. "You gotta love them commercials!"
The remaining troupe (including Wufei) laughed. That had been quite an amusing round. However, the mirth ended abruptly when everybody else noticed Trowa laughing, too.
"What?" Trowa shrugged.
"You shouldn't laugh, Trowa… it's kinda freaky." Duo reminded.
"I'm not Trowa! I'm happy, joyful Triton!"
"Ugh. We've created a monster, guys." Hilde recoiled. "I want you to be depressing, suicidal Trowa, again!"
"Why? Why do you want to interrupt my meaningless joy?"
"Because… you have nothing to be happy about!" Duo winked at Hilde. "Because now that you're facing off against us… you don't stand a chance!"
"YES!" Hilde threw Duo a high-five. "There's no stopping us now, Duo!"
Trowa looked bewildered. "You're betraying me? Your new friend, Triton?"
"We don't know you." Duo reasoned. "You're not that guy!" He laughed. "Ever notice how I love calling people that guy?"
"This backstabbing is INJUSTICE!" Wufei complained. "Oh well. Better you than me."
"I can't believe it! You don't like me?" Trowa/Triton asked.
"Nope." Hilde smirked. "I didn't like the other you, either."
Filming resumed. It was apparent who would conquer this round, and take the money home.
"This is the last round where somebody will be eliminated through the vote." Wufei announced professionally. "Let's get to it, shall we? Last turn, you voted the strongest link off the show, so we'll start with the second strongest link, Duo."
Inevitably, Hilde and Trowa dominated. It didn't really matter regardless. Triton was crestfallen at the betrayal his 'friends' had offered him.
"And the vote!!" Wufei's voice was getting immensely hoarse. (Has he said a sentence without exclamations marks yet?)
Trowa: I vote for Duo. You stinking, slimy, backstabbing…
Duo: Trowa! (confidence)
Hilde: Trowa! (confidence)
Wufei was astonished. "Are people really that dumb?"
"What do you mean?" The couple started.
"That is an illegal vote you MORONS!"
"What do you… Ahhhh Hilde, I can't BELIEVE IT!" Duo stomped his feet aggressively.
"We made the same mistake Dorothy did!" Hilde put her hands to her face.
"So what do we do now?" Duo wailed.
"I vote." Wufei announced. "I kick Hilde off. Women shouldn't compete on television. GET OFF THE AIR, WOMAN!"
Hilde was stunned. "I… I… you're my only hope, Duo! You've gotta win!"
"You can count on me!" Duo assured her. "Have a little faith in me. If I can handle a Gundam, I can handle this!"
"Yeah right. Well in that case… you had just better pull through, Duo. If I don't get a trip to the Bahamas, you're going to come home to the COUCH!!!!"
"Hilde," Wufei said. "You ARE the WEAKEST LINK! Goodbye."
Hilde couldn't contain a few of the tears that escaped her as she ran past Wufei.
"This is the final commercial break, folks. When we return, the final two links will battle it out for ultimate supremacy."
Duo narrowed his eyes…
Trowa/Triton doesn't need to narrow his eyes. He has little eyes.
Duo raised an eyebrow…
Maybe Trowa/Triton raised an eyebrow. Can't really tell because of all that hair.
Duo exploded. "PLEASE, Trowa! I NEED to win this! Especially after that embarrassment on Who Wants to be a Millionaire!"
"I have to take Hilde to the Bahamas! I mean… it's the COUCH we're talking about here! Did you hear me? The COUCH!"
"You are an evil friend."
"Well, yeah. I'm the God of Death… but that COUCH can destroy me," he snapped his fingers. "Like that!"
"I have no pity for you. I will defeat you." Triton had reverted back to Trowa. "I am depressed and suicidal. I'm afraid that Dorothy is killing Quatre with a knife right now, but I have no feelings so he can just die."
"That's really deep, man." Duo comforted. "But… if you're serious about that suicide thing, could you maybe hurry it up so I can win by default? I have a spork here that you could stab yourself to death with!"
"I would prefer an explosion."
"Yeah! Like I said! An explosive spork!"
"Oh really? I've never seen one of those before. Very tricky."
"Yeah! And handy when you get hungry, too! Just don't bite too hard!"
And then it was time. This was the decisive moment. Last round's total money had been doubled, and so would this round's. And it was just the two of them… head to head. Nifty, eh?
"This is it!" Even Wufei was excited. "Last round for money!"
Trowa had an enormous advantage over Duo. With his ingenuity, they managed to bag a total of $12,000 after it had been doubled. Trowa was proclaimed the strongest link. The amount of money earned throughout the game had risen to $31,000. A pitiful amount according to Wufei, but definitely enough for a trip to the Bahamas.
"Alright. For this final round, you will each be asked five questions. The player to get the most questions right will bag the bucks. Good luck to both of you… this has actually been kind of fun."
"Good luck." Trowa nodded.
"Same to you." Duo shook Trowa's hand sincerely. "Funny how it came to this, eh?"
"Are you ready?" Wufei realized how much he enjoyed this role. "Then let's play… the weakest link." (Amazing! He didn't scream the WEAKEST LINK! Ooops.) "Trowa, you were the strongest link last turn, so you have a choice. Will you go first, or will you have Duo go first?"
"I will." Trowa gulped. There were bets on stake here.
"Your question is: What is a soufflé?"
"This is food isn't it?" Trowa said with distaste.
"You have to be more specific."
"Hmm. I'm not particularly familiar with food…" Duo and Wufei noticed how ridiculously thin Trowa was. "Is it whale?"
"No, sorry." Wufei shrugged. "It's a dish made with whipped eggs. Your turn, Duo. What does 'CO2' stand for?"
"Eh?" Duo muttered. "Stupid physics… stinking cheap question! I'm gonna say Crummy Outtakes 2. That was a great show!"
"Sorry. It stands for Carbon Dioxide. You two are tied. Trowa, what is an emoticon?"
"Ah." Trowa nodded. "A method of expressing emotions on the Internet. Example: J L." (how'd he give those examples?)
"Yes! Duo, how many years are in a century?"
"One-hundred." Duo sighed.
"Exactly!" Wufei cheered and then caught himself. "Er… yes that's right. The score is 1-1. Trowa, what is a dénouement?"
"That is the climactic moment of a plot." Trowa actually smiled.
"Yes. Duo, which is the small, cute, yellow, Pokemon mascot?"
"What is a Pokemon?" Duo scratched his head.
"No, I'm sorry. It's Pikachu. The score is 2-1, in Trowa's favor. Trowa, what kind of meat is Pastrami made out of?"
"Food!?" Trowa bowed his head. (he could put an eye out doing that with his hair) "Mincemeat?"
"No. Beef." Wufei answered.
"Save the cows! SAVE the cows! Save the COWS!" Hmm. I wonder who that was.
"Duo," Wufei continued. "What is an arachnid?"
"EEEEEEEWWWWWWW! It's an icky, wicky spidey!" Duo recoiled.
"Spidey?" Wufei questioned.
"Er… Spider. They're DISGUSTING!"
"That's a correct answer!"
"Icky… wicky?" Trowa smirked.
"The score is 2-2. Trowa, what is an anime?"
"Aha! It's that fictional thing the real hostess was talking about!" Trowa pointed to nothing in particular.
"More specific." Wufei urged.
"It's… a tune car!" Trowa guessed.
"No… it's Japanese animation… hmm. I wonder what THAT is? Anyway Duo, if you get this question right, you will win the $31,000."
"Not to mention all those bets!" Duo leaped.
"And here it is… now think carefully… this is for everything. What… is… a… TRIANGLE?"
"YES!" Duo cheered. "It's a geometric shape with three equal sides!"
"That is absolutely, positively, without a doubt, the righ…" The sound of high-pitched sirens, and a telltale door smashing to the ground interrupted Wufei.
"Chang Wufei!" A husky voice demanded.
"Present…" Wufei noticed policemen entering the studio. A detective approached him.
"You are under arrest for the kidnapping and restraining of the real hostess of this game show. You have the right to remain silent. You ARE UNDER ARREST! Goodbye."
Wufei glared with disbelief. "INJUSTICE!"
"Wait!" Duo ordered. "You have to declare me the winner!"
Wufei assumed a huffy attitude. "I don't feel like it." The officers applied handcuffs to him. "As far as I'm concerned… You are ALL the WEAKEST LINK! Goodbye."
* * *
Quatre didn't notice the cold. He didn't notice the snow. He hadn't even noticed Heero Yuy's blue hair yet. Quatre was very drunk, and very removed from the entire Siberian landscape. "And I suggest, hic," he began slurring. "We replace the animal, hic, products, hic, with… OVAL STONES!"
A confused crowd stared at him and his silent assistant. Quatre was accompanied by Duo Maxwell, utterly silent, and consuming a Bucket O' Rice™. Sitting next to Duo on Hilde's old couch was a nameless soldier who wouldn't stop talking for anything. On the other side of Duo, was a stressed woman, obviously disgusted by all the current activity. Hilde leaned on Duo sadly. "I wish you could still talk!"
Duo shrugged and kept eating.
"Because then we could have an argument the PROPER way! I can't believe you blew it again." Hilde shook him and a few bits of rice fell to the ground to accompany the snow.
"I wish he could talk, too!" Trowa babbled on. "Because I have to have a PROPER conversation with him, which will never happen if he can't talk! I'm running out of things to say!" Regardless of his last statement, Trowa continued on.
"This will remove, hic, all presence of cow products, hic, from the NFL!" Quatre swayed as a result of the alcoholic beverages he had been downing. "And what's good for Cow, hic," he stroked a rather large cow who stood with him on the snowy landscape. "Is good for, hic, everyone!"
"I don't know… it suits you!" Relena ran her fingers through Heero's cerulean hair.
"Don't do that." He demanded. "I look ridiculous. But I'm going to hold Duo to his own bets." He reminded Duo of his Oath of Silence by glaring obnoxiously.
"So to prove that these rocks, hic, are a suitable replacement for cowfootballs, hic, I will have my assistant Duo, hic, demonstrate." Quatre beckoned to Duo who approached mournfully.
"Kick it." Quatre gestured at the stone football in the snow.
Duo looked skyward and kicked the rock. He spent the next several minutes after that clutching his foot and hopping… but thanks to Heero's presence, silently.
"See?" Quatre fell onto Cow. "It works great!"
"And look at that, Quatre fell onto Cow, I wonder what's going to happen now…" Trowa continued pointlessly.
Cow promptly knocked Quatre to the ground and stepped on him angrily.
"ARRRGH!" Quatre got up… slowly. "What are you doing you stupid cow?"
"Mooo." Cow was defiant.
"Don't talk like that to me!" Quatre's eyes seemed unfocused and blank. "I'm RICH!"
Cow snorted and continued to pummel the blonde pilot.
"That's IT!" Quatre shrieked. "Get this mass of meat AWAY from me! I HATE cows! You know what?"
"What?" Trowa answered hopefully.
"I suggest we all sign a petition to… SAVE THE FOOTBALLS!" Quatre reached for another martini. "Who's WITH me?" And with that final effort, Quatre collapsed into a snowdrift.
Sneaking up in a yellow parka came Dorothy Catalonia with a fencing sword. "I warned you, Trowa! I'm gonna get him this time!"
"No no no no no no no no." Trowa found this an adequate word to fill his non-ending, one-sided conversation.
Dorothy approached the snowdrift evilly but Relena picked up and hurled the stone football at her. WHAM.
"Oo." Relena watched Dorothy drop. "That was fun."
All that could be seen of the would-be murderer were two gray eyebrow tips sticking out of the snow.
"Nice throw." Heero looked surprised. "So… you really like this new hair?"
"Yep!" Relena smiled. "It's just so… so… YOU!"
Heero accepted that.
"So now," Trowa gabbed. "We just have to wait one year for Duo to regain his voice, so we can have a conversation, so I can un-banish him from Siberia, so we can all leave! It's all so simple! I can't stand this… save me somebody!"
Quatre emerged from the snow. "And after you save the footballs… save the TROWAS… or whatever his name is…" He reentered his snowy pile with a WHOPFH sound.
And so ends a tale of mystery, suspense, murder, comedy, intrigue, romance, or most likely, none of the above! Two figures, with snow lightly covering them are unnoticed by a rather odd gathering. Heero and Relena standing next to each other, conversing about permanent hair colors and whatnot. Duo and Hilde on a couch, sharing a Bucket O' Rice™. Trowa talking to himself painfully. And of course, who could forget Cow, sipping Quatre's abandoned martini.
TheGWF: That was crazy!
Elly: (Snaps a pin on her shirt that reads: SAVE THE FOOTBALLS) I agree!
TheGWF: What's up with the pin?
Elly: Oh you know… drunk Quatre makes a few compelling points. We should save the footballs! Or are they… feetballs?
TheGWF: Elly… you ARE the WEAKEST LINK!
Elly: (sticks her tongue out) I know. So anyway, for those of you who have read all the way here, and would like to contact us…
TheGWF: Address all fan mail to me! Elly handles the hate mail.
Elly: No I don't! Anyway… the e-mail address is: DancingMoogle@hotmail.com We really do appreciate any and all comments our readers might have.
TheGWF: And just let me say… DUDE, you ARE the WEAKEST LINK!
Both Elly and TheGWF: Goodbye.