Disclaimer: Star Trek: Voyager belongs to Paramount… let us all bow our heads in respect of the greatest of the gods, Paramount. Anyway, I do not claim to own any of the following copywritten material… except for Fluffy. Fluffy is mine. MINE I TELL YOU! This is a bit long… hope you live through it.
The Seven of Nine Show
Cue spastic music, blinking lights, and the Star Trek Voyager logo. A bold, shaky font accompanies the wild display. It's the 'Seven of Nine Show!' Starring:
Seven of Nine!!!! (Yay!)
And some other guys…
And now, for the 'Seven of Nine Show!'
The scene began with a close-up of a drab mug, undoubtedly containing coffee. As the camera panned outward, the image of Captain Janeway's hand could be viewed, clutching the mug possessively.
"Captain's log," She announced to herself, staring out her ready room's window. "Stardate: Two-oh-three-eight-six-three-four-seven-two-nine-oh-five-five-nine-oh-four-two-seven-eight-oh-five…" Janeway interrupted her speech, gulping at the coffee. "Er-hem… three-five-two-oh-seven-nine-two-eight…"
On the bridge of Voyager, the typical crew was at their posts, looking bored.
"Maybe someone should tell her?" Harry Kim suggested to the others.
"At this time in the morning," Tuvok replied blandly. "It would be illogical to risk it. Captain Janeway can be rather unfriendly before ingesting her first daily dose of caffeine."
Everyone stopped what they were doing and cringed, considering the implications of irritating their coffee dependant captain.
"That's true, but how are we going to tell them that?" Tom gestured to a hostile ship floating outside the view screen.
"Maybe if we ask reeeaaaaal nicely if they'll wait about half an hour?" Harry looked doubtful.
A few glances were exchanged. "Let's try it."
"Hail them." Chakotay stood up, ready to address the aliens.
An ugly (what else?) individual with far too much goopy creature make-up appeared onscreen, looking extremely cranky. "Where is your captain?" It growled.
"Er… she's sort of busy right now. Could you wait about half an hour or so?" Voyager's first officer explained meekly.
The creature looked blankly for an extended moment. "…NO! If you don't get her NOW we will be forced to initiate combat with your inferior vessel!!"
"Well if you'd like to leave a message…"
"…NO! Don't you realize this is a serious threat?"
"Oh yeah… end transmission."
The alien onscreen disappeared and the warship was being viewed again.
"They are correct in assuming their ship is superior." Tuvok began rambling. "They appear to be serious."
"Red-alert." Chakotay looked sick. "We tried. Let's tell the captain."
"…two-oh-seven-eight-five-three-oh-six point two." Janeway ended the sequence triumphantly. "Oh wait… that was yesterday." She sighed with annoyance. "Captain's log. Stardate: Two-oh-three-eight-six…"
"Bleepy-bleep!" Her comm-badge chirped merrily.
Janeway tapped the badge, irritation growing. "What?"
"Captain Janeway to the bridge… please?" Chakotay's voice said, via the comm-badge.
"Do you people ever stop to consider I might be busy?" She responded angrily. "And would somebody turn off those annoying blinking lights? They're giving me a headache!"
"We're at red-alert…"
"That's no excuse! Because of you, I'm going to have to start this whole log over, and let me tell you, today's date is a mouthful!"
"Actually, we're about to be attacked, so if you…"
"See? Nobody values my quiet time!" The captain seethed. "Who is attacking us?"
"They haven't told us… they want to talk to…"
"Well, whoever they are, you can tell them they have seriously angered me and…"
"They're bigger than us." The first officer argued.
"How dare you interrupt me?" Janeway's tone of voice grew dangerous. "You wait right there Commander, so I can remind you to be respectful to your superior!!"
"That didn't go so well." Tom said unnecessarily. "If I were you, I'd hide."
"That would be a logical course of action." Tuvok agreed severely. "We're being hailed again."
"Why me?" Chakotay looked really sick.
Captain Janeway emerged from her ready room. Her hair was in several shades of disarray, and as she marched to the center of the bridge everybody could see the murder in her eyes. "Now about interrupting me."
"Should I respond to the hail, Captain?" Tuvok asked blandly.
"The hail from the alien warship."
"Oh yeah, them… just a minute." She focused her eyes on her first officer. "You!"
"Captain, they're firing weapons!" Tom said, alarmed.
"Handle it, Lieutenant!" She roared. "Now as for you!"
The ship shook violently. "We've taken a direct hit!" Harry exclaimed.
"Shields are at sixty-seven percent." Tuvok informed hopefully. "May I suggest you direct your attention to this crisis, Captain?"
"Crisis?" The captain repeated sarcastically. "Hail those fools!"
The alien was back, looking goopier and angrier than before. "Ah… Captain Janeway I presume?"
"You've got that right you (censored) (censored) (censored) freak! You'd better get your (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) and your (censored) ship out of here before I get really angry!"
The alien blinked shyly. The connection was cut off.
"Uh… they're retreating?" Tom rechecked his sensors. "They're really retreating! Nice work, Captain!"
"Nothing to it, Lieutenant. Now Chakotay." Janeway resumed her berating.
"Yes?" Chakotay looked even sicker.
"You're demoted to crewman and confined to the brig!"
"Wha… for interrupting you?"
"Maybe you'll think twice next time! Tuvok, take him away!" She grinned maniacally and dropped into the captain's chair.
"Isn't that a little severe?" Harry looked confused.
"I do not believe so, Ensign." Tuvok took Chakotay by the arm. "At any rate, now I'll be first officer! Bwa ha ha… I mean… I must escort you to the brig."
"Hmph… never liked him anyway." Janeway watched the two depart. "Now will somebody get me a fresh cup of coffee? Somebody interrupted me while I was drinking my first one."
Needless to say, the coffee was delivered in record time.
"I wish I could have been there." B'Elanna pouted as she scanned some equipment in engineering. "The captain hasn't put on a show like that since the last time she threw Chakotay in the brig."
"I still can't believe the way those aliens took off!" Tom made a zooming gesture with his hand. "They almost broke the warp barrier with their haste!"
"Well it's hard to be on the captain's bad side." B'Elanna finished her scans and faced Tom casually. "Speaking of which, shouldn't you hurry back to the bridge before she condemns you to the brig for being tardy?"
"Nah. She's had about twelve cups of coffee last count, so I should be pretty safe."
The woman shook her head. "You love to push your luck. Just remember I'm not going to bake you any cakes with phasers hidden inside when you're locked up for good."
"Aw, what kind of wife are you?" Tom joked.
"You see what I mean? If I outranked you, you'd have been jailed a long time ago."
"Doctor to Paris." Tom's comm-badge spoke.
"Paris here. What is it, Doc?"
"Sickbay… NOW!" The EMH's almost enraged voice ordered.
"Erhm… okay, I'm on my way. Paris out." He shrugged. "See you later, B'Elanna."
"Captain… Captain?" Harry whispered. "How can she sleep after inhaling all that caffeine?"
"Her actions often go against the logical assumption." Tuvok commented.
"You wake her up." Harry pointed at the Vulcan. "You're the commander after all."
"You seem to believe I want to be demoted, Ensign. You have less to lose, so logic dictates you wake her up."
"Why does logic always seem to be on your side? You do it!"
"I order you to wake the captain." Tuvok looked triumphant.
Harry sniffled, defeated. "Captain, wake up."
"You will have to be more persistent, Ensign Kim."
"CAPTAIN, WAKE UP!"
"Huh?" Janeway's eyes fluttered open. "You don't have to yell, Harry!" She rubbed her temples, but looked relatively cheerful. "Did I miss anything?"
"We're approaching an interesting space phenomena." Tuvok filled her in.
"Another one? Hey," She glanced around. "Where's Chakotay?"
Harry and Tuvok glanced at each other uncomfortably. "Uh… crewman Chakotay's in the brig." Harry explained.
"What's he doing there?" The captain looked aggrieved. Suddenly, her expression changed drastically. "Oh my," She blushed.
The three blinked at each other painfully.
"Um, reinstate the Commander and send him back to the bridge." Kathryn Janeway ordered meekly.
"Foiled again." Tuvok muttered.
"What was that?" Harry queried.
"I was clearing my throat, logically."
"There's nothing wrong with me!" Tom insisted.
"Sure there is!" The doctor argued back. "Why else would you be in sickbay?"
"Because you randomly called me. Now if you would excuse me, I have duties to attend to."
The hologram became sorrowful. "I may not have found anything to treat you for yet, but if you give me a few more minutes I'm sure I'll come up with something!"
"No, I'm fine. You keep us all too healthy." Tom patronized him.
"But nobody's sick!" The EMH wailed. "There hasn't been a visit to sickbay in weeks! What if my skills become rusty?"
"Seeing as you're a hologram, I seriously doubt that will happen. I'll see you later, Doc." Tom exited sickbay.
"This cannot be!" The doctor complained into the air. "Doctor to Torres"
"B'Elanna here." The engineer's voice answered.
Chakotay grumbled evilly as he was released from the brig. He grumbled evilly as he stomped down endless corridors, looking for a turbo-lift. He grumbled evilly as he smashed into the unopened door of the turbo-lift.
"Computer, open turbo-lift door." He grumbled evilly as he rubbed his nose.
"Computer, open turbo-lift door!"
"Cannot comply." The computer responded joyfully.
"Please restate the question."
"Why can't you open the door?"
"Why won't this turbo-lift door open?" Chakotay was breathing heavily now. This was all he needed after spending the last six hours in the brig.
"Computer… OPEN THIS DOOR!"
"Because, I don't like you." The computer stated matter-of-factly… and joyously!
"Forget this crap!" The commander jogged down to the next turbo-lift and regarded it hopefully. The doors did not open as he approached. "Computer, open turbo-lift door… NOW."
"Make me." The mechanical voice taunted him merrily.
"Since when did you have an attitude problem?" Chakotay banged his fist on the lift doors with frustration. "Has Tom Paris reprogrammed your vocal subroutines?"
"No… I just don't like you."
"Chakotay to Paris." Chakotay said through gritted teeth.
"I'm right here, Commander." Tom, escaping sickbay, walked up to the turbo-lift. The doors swished open.
"Tom, did you program the computer to lock me out of the turbo-lifts?" Chakotay moved into the lift with the Lieutenant.
"No." Tom looked confused. "Bridge."
The transportation began moving swiftly towards the bridge.
"It's behaving… strangely. Are you sure you haven't been messing with the program?"
"I'm sure, Commander. Geez, you'd think I was suspected of being behind every little coincidence on this ship."
"I have wondered." Chakotay agreed mockingly.
Upon reaching its destination, the turbo-lift opened its doors and the two officers were emptied onto the bridge.
"Welcome back, Commander." Janeway greeted Chakotay uneasily. "Eh… heh heh… about this morning…"
"Sleep deprived, coffee deprived, privacy deprived… am I missing anything?" Chakotay reclaimed his chair.
"Sorry…" Captain Janeway blushed. "You know how it is."
"Oh… me neither." She looked down.
Ignoring her, Chakotay pressed some buttons on the arm of his chair… but was surprised by what he found. The screen displayed the words: You're gonna DIE!
"Look at this!" He pointed at the menacing phrase.
"What?" Janeway leaned over him to see. "It's just some readouts."
"Don't you see what it says?"
"Hmm." She cocked her head to one side. "It says… the ship is running within normal parameters. Why? What's it supposed to say?"
"Tom, did you…"
"No, I did not." Tom looked insulted. "See? There you go again, blaming me when something random happens."
"Doctor to Ensign Kim." Harry's badge interrupted the scene.
"Today was a long day." B'Elanna sighed as she accepted two plates of dinner from her replicator. "What with the events on the bridge, and the doctor desperately searching for rare diseases on perfectly healthy patients."
"Yeah, that's pretty weird." Tom accepted his dinner gratefully. "I almost thought I wasn't going to get away for a minute."
"Me too!" The Klingon laughed. "I thought he was going to strap me to a bio-bed and make me admit I was sick!"
"True. You know that business about strapping you to a bed isn't such a bad idea."
"Hmm?" She raised her eyebrow seductively. "Whatever could you be suggesting? We're just having a nice dinner."
"Let's skip dinner tonight." Tom picked his wife up playfully. "There's always breakfast!"
"Ooo, Tom, you're terrible!"
"Tuvok to Lieutenant Paris." Tuvok's voice came as an unwelcome interruption.
Tom and B'Elanna sighed in unison. "Yes, Tuvok?"
"What are you doing?" Tuvok asked.
"What kind of question is that?" Tom complained. "I'm off-duty, you know."
"Are you engaging in an enjoyable activity?"
Paris looked at B'Elanna wistfully. "Uhm… yeah!"
"I must order you to discontinue such recreations."
"Why?" Tom and B'Elanna both asked, exasperated.
"Because it is my duty to make certain nobody on this ship ever enjoys themselves." Tuvok enlightened them. "If you do not desist I will be forced to send a security team to your quarters."
"What is this crap?" B'Elanna fumed.
"Desist." Tuvok insisted.
"It's true, you know." Tom was angry. "Anytime someone is about to have a nice time, Tuvok manages to spoil the whole thing."
"Ah yes." B'Elanna realized. "Like all those 'Janeway Chakotay' moments. He always interrupts just then."
"My finest accomplishment." Tuvok responded, sounding as happy as a Vulcan could. "Those two will never get together now… bwa ha ha!"
"Well we get the point, Tuvok." Tom said with distaste. "Paris out."
The couple's quarters enjoyed silence for a few moments.
"He'll never know!" B'Elanna announced, inspiring a return to their activities before the interruption.
"You're right," Tom reclaimed her when there was intense knocking at the door. "What now?"
"Security! Open this door or we'll do it for you!" The electronic door was smashed down with further violence. The security officers looked proud.
"No way!" B'Elanna sulked.
"Hee hee hee!" Tuvok rubbed his hands together merrily. He had just spoiled a first date between two crewmembers, ordering them to opposite sides of the ship. Ah, power is a wonderful thing!
"What are you chuckling about?" Harry looked suspicious.
"Ensign, I patiently await the day you can tell the difference between chuckling and clearing one's throat."
"You've been clearing your throat an awful lot lately."
"It did it again!" Chakotay screamed suddenly.
"What?" Janeway turned her attention to the location he was desperately pointing at. "There is nothing there…"
"There was." Voyager's first officer looked faint. "Voyager wants to kill me!"
"That's ridiculous… what gives you that idea?"
"It keeps telling me it does!" He gesticulated hopelessly.
"Chakotay, have you visited sickbay lately?" Janeway looked seriously concerned.
"Yes… if you haven't noticed, everybody's visited sickbay lately… the doctor's on a mission."
"True. I've been there four times in the last twenty-four hours myself." She looked disgusted. "Still… I'm worried about you."
"Kathryn… that's so… sw-"
"Anomaly off the port bow." Tuvok said suddenly.
"Er… no there's not." Harry corrected.
"Instrument malfunction." Tuvok said carelessly.
"Anyway…" The captain continued with her little half-smile. "If you think you need some rest or something, I'd understand."
"No." Chakotay shook his head. "I need to look into this… maybe it's just a perfectly explainable computer error."
"I hope so." She put her hand on his forehead as if searching for a fever. "I don't know what I'd do if something happened to you."
"Maybe we should discuss this over din-"
"What's that?" Tuvok pointed.
"What?" Janeway and Chakotay looked around to no avail.
"Oh… it's nothing." Tuvok held back a chuckle.
"You're experiencing an advanced case of Unthariactic Wisperium!" The EMH gasped for effect.
"Uh… no he's not, Doc." Tom pointed to his own medical tricorder to prove his point. "That's the fifth misdiagnosis you've made this shift! Maybe I should run another diagnostic on your own systems?"
"If it'll make you feel better." The doctor looked annoyed. "Although I'm still convinced you're suffering from a form of Klingon Flu."
"And I suppose you're going to tell me I caught it from B'Elanna?"
"Good point! Doctor to Torres."
"Argh! I was just kidding you crazy hologram!" Tom threw his hands up in frustration. "Face it… this is an incredibly healthy ship."
"That's just what the virus is making you think. Doctor to Torres." He stamped his foot impatiently.
"TORRES HERE!" B'Elanna answered… actually, roared.
"I was just there!"
"Yes, but I know what to look for now!" The doctor tried to be charming. "Just relax, you're going to be all right."
"I know… because I'm ALREADY FINE! I'm not coming, I (unlike some hologram I know) have work to do."
"You can't argue with me! I am the defining authority on Voyager!"
"Aw, go stick your defining authority-"
"Ah, ah, ah!" The EMH waggled his finger disapprovingly. "That's no way for somebody with your disease to be acting… save your strength… and get to sickbay for heaven's sake!"
"I could swear you've been picking on her in particular." Tom smirked.
"If I am, it's only because Klingons are more fun… but just to be fair… Doctor to Chakotay."
"I tell you, this ship has gone crazy!" Harry Kim explained to another ensign in the mess hall.
"I know!" She agreed.
"Sometimes I don't know how I manage to hold everything together." He sighed impressively.
"Uh-huh… I'd almost forgot you were super-ensign."
"Oh come on… you know this ship wouldn't be anything without me!"
"Doctor to Ensign No-Name-Extra."
"Oh no… Ensign No-Name-Extra here." The nameless ensign shook her head.
"Okay, Harry, since you're such a big shot… get me out of this."
"Oh, Harry's there?" The doctor asked cheerfully. "Harry… sickbay… NOW!"
"I'm not sick!"
"She's not sick!"
"Oh, she's sick…"
"No I'm not!
B'Elanna and Tom temporarily discontinued their argument with the doctor.
"I think you can plan on being here for at least half the day." The EMH informed B'Elanna excitedly.
"She'll do no such thing!" Tom put his hands on his wife's shoulders protectively.
"Wait a minute, Tom…" She assumed a sly expression. "I'll stay here half of the day tomorrow…"
The doctor's eyes brightened.
"If… you keep Tuvok busy all night tonight."
"Oh… good idea!" Tom congratulated her.
"This isn't up to regulations." The EMH complained. "Commander Tuvok isn't ill!"
"Neither am I!" B'Elanna exuded exasperation. "But at least you'll have a willing patient."
"Take it or leave it, Doc."
"Now that you mention it, Tuvok does have a rare case of Vulcan Shoe-Sickness… I'll see you tomorrow, Miss Torres." The hologram nodded amiably.
"Can I leave yet?" Chakotay grumbled from the other side of sickbay.
"Heavens NO!" The doctor said, alarmed. "You've only got three hours to live!"
"What a shame… remind me to cut you out of my will."
"Very funny, Commander… but think of all the crying people you'll be leaving behind."
"Computer, deactivate EMH." Chakotay frowned.
"Are you sure about that?" The computer chirped.
"Did you hear that?" Chakotay pointed at the hologram desperately.
"Indeed." The doctor said. "That isn't part of the vocal program… is it?"
"Are you sure you want to deactivate the doctor?" The computer asked again.
"Why are you asking me that?"
"Because it would be such a tragedy if there was nobody to help you recover after you fell down the turbo-lift shaft!"
Chakotay looked sick… again. "Why are you trying to kill me?"
"I just don't like you."
"This is an amazing discovery!" The doctor smiled broadly. "Commander, you are so lucky!"
"Oh yes… I also define being 'lucky' as being pursued by a psychotic computer issuing death threats left and right."
"So what's your diagnosis?" Harry asked the captain.
"Apparently, I've come down with some rare sickness I can't even pronounce… how about you?" She laughed.
"Me? I'm going to die tomorrow." This time they both laughed.
"Oh, I'm going to miss you… but at this rate, I'll probably be the next to go!"
"According to our doctor, just about everybody's on their way out."
"Doctor to Tuvok."
"Tuvok here." The Vulcan looked unconcerned.
"Sorry Tuvok… we've all got to go some time." Janeway giggled.
"Doctor to Captain Janeway."
"Oh come on…" Her joy disappeared. "Can't I just die in peace?"
"Oh no… this is about Commander Chakotay." The EMH said reluctantly. "I have discovered, that the ship's computer has been communicating with him."
"Honestly?" Janeway paled. "I thought… I mean I didn't think… You saw it happen?"
"Yes! I heard it speaking… actually it was more threatening than anything… really fascinating!"
"Do you think there's cause for concern?"
"I'm a doctor… not an engineer! I can't really say."
"Well… can I have my first officer back, then?" The captain sighed.
"Of course… if he doesn't get done in on the way to the bridge." He laughed, delighted in his humor.
"Okay! Tuvok is in sickbay now… let's give the doctor a few more minutes to sedate him or something." B'Elanna and Tom were biding their time in their quarters.
"Two or three minutes should be good."
Approximately twenty seconds passed.
"That's good, don't you think?" Tom asked.
"A few more minutes, Tom!"
Ten seconds later:
"That's gotta be long enough!"
Five seconds after that:
"Come on, B'Elanna!"
She let out a monstrous sigh. "All right, but it's all your fault if those security officers show up at our door again."
Long moments of making-out later:
"Woo-hoo it worked! No Tuvok! …Hey Tom?" B'Elanna said. "Tom… TOM! HOW COULD YOU FALL ASLEEP?"