Bonjour! Aww my petite freeway scene parody has grown some more. The previous two chapters have covered Reloaded from the freeway scene to the end of the film, this chapter now covers from meeting Seraph to the beginning of the freeway scene. Understand? Oh well, I'm sure you will cope. Enjoy!


Disclaimer: My Koala legions have still not, erm, "dealt with" the copyright owners, so I still don't own the Matrix. All I have is Toby the glow in the dark duck. I ate the last lot of digestive biscuits I had with some fava beans and a nice chianti (makes hissing noise)


(Neo wanders through Chinatown, getting thoroughly lost. Hoping to ask for directions he knocks on a door and opens it. Seraph is inside, sitting cross-legged on a low stool eating a bowl of Coco Pops)

Neo: Hi there, I'm kind of lost. You see I'm looking for this lady (holds his hand out) About yay high, likes giving out cryptic advice and cookies...

Seraph: You seek the Oracle.

Neo: Ah so you know her!

Seraph: My name is Seraph, I am her PA and I can take you to her. But first I must apologize.

Neo: Apologize for what?

Seraph: For this.

(Seraph whacks Neo over the head with his spoon)

Neo: Oww! (rubs his head) Is this where you tell me there is no spoon, so it shouldn't hurt?

Seraph: No, the Oracle has many enemies. I dispense justice with this spoon. That was for her vase. Now follow me, she is waiting.

(He produces a key from his sleeve and unlocks the door. They pass through it into the shiny white corridor of many doors)

Neo: What are they?

Seraph: They are the Matrix equivalent of back doors into the system – programmer access.

Neo: (blank)

Seraph: They are magic doors.

Neo: Oh, magic doors. Gotcha. Are you a programming-type person?

Seraph: No, I protect that which matters most.

Neo: (excited) You are the Guardian of Holy Chocolate Chip Digestives?! Wow! Can I get your autograph?

Seraph: No, I protect the Oracle. She didn't mention that you would be this slow. Just go through this door here.


(Neo opens the door and emerges in a city park. The Oracle is sitting on a bench, feeding a couple of crows)

Oracle: Well, come on. I ain't gonna bite you.

Neo: Up to you mentioning it, I hadn't considered you biting me an option, but now... (backs away slightly)

Oracle: Heel! Now sit down there. Stay!

(Neo sits on the bench next to her, still looking a bit concerned. The couple of crows have now been joined by several more, and a squirrel)

Oracle: Let's get the obvious stuff out of the way.

Neo: Er, well you don't seem to have any cookies on you this time.

Oracle: That is true, but not what I was getting at. How about me not being human?

Neo: You're not? Well what are you? A zombie?

Oracle: (frowns) No I am not a zombie! Foolish boy. I am a program.

Neo: You are? Like the Agents? Can you dodge bullets?

Oracle: No.

Neo: Aww, shame. I can stop them you know. It's because I'm special.

Oracle: Well supposedly. Would you like some candy?

Neo: Is it poison?

Oracle: Unfortunately not.

Neo: Well yes please then

(Neo takes the sweet. The Oracle returns to feeding the small flock of birds and half a dozen squirrels now gathered around the bench)

Neo: So why are you here?

Oracle: They needed someone to do all the explaining again. Only some of us have copies of the script, we have to come along and make sure you lot are all heading in about the right direction.

Neo: So you know what is going to happen in the future?

Oracle: Well kid, I'm not called the Oracle for nothing.

Neo: Oh. So what do I do next?

Oracle: In about five seconds time you are going to choke on that candy.

Neo: (shocked) I am? (starts to choke)

Oracle: My powers amaze even myself sometimes.

(Seraph comes along and performs the Heimlich manoeuvre on Neo)

Neo: (coughing) Urgh, thanks...

Oracle: Beyond that, you now have to go and find the Keymaker. He is being held captive by the Merovingian. He is always losing his keys so he thought the Keymaker would come in handy.

Neo: So I have to go speak to the Mero... the Merovin, the Merovin... That guy, and collect this Keymaker. Then what?

Oracle: The Keymaker will explain when you find him. He also has a copy of the script.

(Seraph wades through the crowd of animals and birds surrounding the bench waiting to be fed, trying to shoo them away so he doesn't tread on them)

Seraph: We must go, some of these rabbits are looking very hungry...

Oracle: Well I must run, enjoy yourself. Good luck kiddo!

(The leave through the "magic door". Neo suddenly hears footsteps behind him)

Voice: Argh! Get off me, vicious rabbit!

(Neo turns to see Agent Smith with a rabbit biting his ankle. He sends it flying and the rest of the birds and animals disperse)

Smith: Stupid animals... (coughs) Now where was I? Oh yes. Mr Anderson! Did you get my package?

Neo: Er, I may have done. There has been a big mix up at the post office you see...

Smith: Well I have a certificate of postage, but that is besides the point. Are you surprised to see me?

Neo: I am actually. Would it have killed you to call ahead? I already made plans or we could have gone for lunch.

Smith: This is not a social call Mr Anderson. Are you aware of it?

Neo: (suspicious) Of what?

Smith: Our (does Dr Evil air quotes) "connection". I'm not sure how it happened, but it probably has something to do with the mean way you explodifed me. Anyway, it happened for a reason.

Neo: What reason is that? Are we soul mates? Destined to be together? (sounds somewhat hopeful)

Smith: I really, really doubt it.

Neo: (a bit disappointed) Well it's probably for the best, Trin wouldn't be too pleased.

Smith: Moving on; I killed you, I watched you die. With a certain satisfaction I might add. No, scratch that. With an enormous amount of satisfaction. Then you explodified me, which wasn't very nice. Now I am unplugged, a new man, apparently free. I now have a snazzier pair of sunglasses.

Neo: Congratulations, but they aren't as snazzy as mine.

Smith: Thank you, although I beg to differ. But we know that appearances can be deceiving. We are not here because we are free, we are here because we are not free.

Neo: (blank)

Smith: There's no escaping reason, no denying purpose.

Neo: (blank)

Smith: Because without purpose we would not exist.

Neo: Er, could you run the "free" bit by me again? I got kind of lost around there...

(A whole bunch of Smiths suddenly appear and circle Neo)

Smith # 2: It is purpose that created us.

Smith # 3: Purpose that connects us.

Smith # 4: Purpose that pulls us.

Smith # 5: Purpose that... Er... Damn, forgot my bit.

Smith # 1: Anyway, we are here to take from you what you tried to take from us.

Neo: (completely bemused) ...and that is?

Smith # 1: Purpose. It was kind of the theme of our speech you know.

(Smith # 1 sticks his hand into Neo's chest and starts to Smithify him)

Neo: Ouch, that hurts quite a lot...

Smith # 1: Don't be such a baby. It'll be over soon. Then you get the better, snazzier sunglasses.

Neo: But I like my sunglasses!

(Neo resists the Smithifying process, which reverses)

Smith # 1: You just have to be uncooperative, don't you Mr Anderson? Smiths! Get him!

(Cue Batman-style fight between Neo and all the Smiths. Every time a punch is thrown, captions appear such as Zap! Pow! Bam! Fub! and Veg! I would love to say that Neo got squished into teeny, tiny pieces, but alas he did not. Neo instead cheated and flew off just as it was getting interesting. Coward)

Neo: Ha-ha! Can't get me! (hits lamp post on the way up) Ouch... (flies away)

Smith # 1: That is cheating! Just you wait, I have my sources. I too shall fly one day! Muahaha!

Smith # 2: Come on, there's only one more shopping day till Smitification!

(The Smiths all leave to get their shopping done before they completely take over the Matrix)


(Back in Zion the council is meeting to discuss defence plans)

Councillor Dillard: Well we don't really have any plans, so we are just going to leave the whole military thing all up to you.

Lock: (nods) That seems the wisest course of action, councillor.

Councillor Dillard: Oh, by the way, has there been any news from the Nebuchadnezzar recently? Morpheus owes us money.

Lock: No councillor. Nothing since the carrier pigeon we sent to them got accidentally sucked into the engine of the Hammer.

Councillor West: Then we request that another pigeon, or another ship, be sent to ascertain the state of Morpheus's finances and also perhaps the fate of the One.

Lock: I wish that were possible Councillor, but I do not believe our defence can suffer the loss of another pigeon or a ship.

Councillor West: It will if we say it will.

Lock: It could take a single pigeon or ship days to locate them!

Councillor West: Then send a flock of pigeons, or two ships.

Lock: This is insane! Throwing away an entire flock of pigeons on a wild- Morpheus chase? Never.

Councillor Dillard: Then send two ships. The captains are here, they can speak for themselves. Who will volunteer?

Soren: (stands) Captain Soren of the Vigilant and my crew of other minor characters will answer the council's call.

Councillor Dillard: Thank you captain. Is there another?

(Everyone looks at the floor, crickets are heard chirping)

Lock: It is hard for any man to risk his life, even to save pigeons, if he does not understand the reason.

Niobe: (stands, annoyed) Well you guys are all just useless. Captain Niobe of the Logos and my crew of slightly-less-minor characters will answer the call.

Councillor Dillard: Thank you captains, this council is adjourned.

(Lock hurries over to Niobe)

Lock: What are you doing?

Niobe: What I can.

Lock: Why?

Niobe: Because some things never change Jason. Like your remarkably boring name for example. I am not putting any more pigeons at risk, even if I do have to speak to my ex.


(The Matrix: Morpheus is doing his salmon impression again, walking smoothly against the flow of pedestrians with Neo and Trinity in tow)

Morpheus: (sings) We are off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz...

Neo: We are going to see a wizard? Is this going to be like in Harry Potter?

Trinity: Morpheus, stop confusing him! No Neo, we are going to a French restaurant.

Neo: Why? Is it our anniversary? Damn I forgot again... and why is Morpheus coming on our date?

Trinity: It's not a date, it's to see the Merovingian.

Neo: (blank look)

Morpheus: Creepy French dude the Oracle told you to go see.

Neo: Oh... good.

(The reach the building and get into the lift)

Random Man: (running up) Hey! Hold the doors!

Morpheus: Why of course (smiles gappily at him)

Random Man: Argh! Er, maybe I'll take the stairs... (backs away)

Morpheus: Suit yourself

Trinity: (quietly to herself) Now why didn't I do that when I first met Morpheus.

(The lift moves swiftly upwards while Neo examines the code of the building)

Neo: It's strange, the code is somehow different.

Morpheus: Encrypted?

Neo: Maybe... it is pink.

Trinity: Is that good for us or bad for us?

Neo: Well, pink certainly isn't my colour.

Morpheus: I agree – it doesn't go with your lovely eyes.

(Trinity gives him an odd look. They then arrive on floor 101 and walk over to the Maitre d')

Maitre d': Puis-je vous aider?

Morpheus: (tapping at his tie pin) My universal translator seems to be malfunctioning...

Trinity: Morpheus, that is a tie pin.

Morpheus: (coughs) Of course, I knew that.

Maitre d': (sighs) Can I help you?

Morpheus: Yes, a table for three please. Non-smoking.

Trinity: (exasperated) We are here to see the Merovingian.

Maitre d': Of course, I was warned... I mean, we were expecting you. Follow me.


(They follow him through the restaurant, noticing an Indian man being dragged out of a side door)

Indian man: (desperately shouting) But she is so annoying! Please just let us dump her on the Oracle! Please! Oww, let go of my arm... (is thrown out)

(They are led up to the top table, where the Merovingian is sitting along with Persephone. You shall just have to imagine the over the top accents)

Mero: Ah, here he is at last. Neo, the One himself, right?

Neo: Yes, I am special.

Mero: But of course you are. And the legendary Morpheus. And Trinity of course, si belle qu'elle me fait vomoir.

Trinity: (suspicious) What did he just say?

Mero: (pervy grin) Please sit, join us. This is my wife, Persephone.

Persephone: How lovely to meet you (starts mentally drooling over Neo)

Neo: The pleasure is ours (starts physically drooling over Persephone)

Trinity: Charmed, I'm sure (treads heavily on Neo's foot)

Neo: Oww... (stops drooling)

Mero: Something to drink? Château Haut-Brion 1959, magnificent wine, I love French wine, like I love the French language, fantastic to curse with. Votre mère était un hamster, et votre père senti comme des baies de sureau! You see it is like wiping your arse with silk. I love it.

Morpheus: (slightly disturbed) Well moving on, you know why we are here.

Mero: I am a trafficker of information, I know everything I can. For example I know that Neo here once owned a My Little Pony named Princess Sparkle which he lost when he was nine.

Neo: (sobs) It's true! My poor Princess...

Mero: The question is, do you know why you are here?

Morpheus: We are looking for the Keymaker.

Neo: And the heartless monster that stole Princess Sparkle!

Mero: The Keymaker is but a means to an end. A means to do – what?

Morpheus: Er, well we were hoping to just find him and make the rest up as we go along. It is rumoured he has a copy of the script, so that should help.

Mero: (sighs) You are here because you were told to come here, and you obeyed like the good trained monkeys you are. Causality. Action, reaction. Cause and effect.

Morpheus: Everything begins with choice.

Mero: No. Wrong. Choice is an illusion.

Neo: Like when magicians saw people in half?

Mero: (ignoring him) Look over there, at that woman. My God just look at her... (another pervy grin) I have sent her a special desert.

(The waiter goes over with the slice of chocolate cake)

Woman: No thanks, I'm on a diet.

(Cake is taken away, uneaten)

Mero: Hmm, that didn't go quite according to plan... Anyway, slaves to causality, without the why you are powerless, etc etc. The point is, you have nothing I want so clear off and tell the fortune teller to keep her nose out of my business.

Neo: This isn't over. You still haven't told me who stole Princess Sparkle.

Mero: No one did you foolish boy. You buried your toy in the garden while playing "Buried Treasure" then forgot where.

Neo: Oh, I remember now...

Mero: The Keymaker is mine and you are not having him. Now I will bid you adieu.

Persephone: Where are you going?

Mero: Please ma chérie, we are all victims of causality. I drank too much wine, now I must go to the petit-garçon's room. Au revior (leaves to go meet with the Woman in pink, who was easy enough to not actually need the cake anyway)

Trinity: Did we really need to know that?

(The miscellaneous henchmen and the Twins who have been standing nearby move to escort them from the restaurant)

Trinity: Touch me and I shall rip off your arm and beat you to death with it.

Henchman # 1: (offended) Well now there is no need to just be rude.


(They are ushered along back to the lift. Twin One makes a kissing motion towards Trinity, who tries to give him her phone number, but the doors close before she can)

Trinity: Damn, and he was hot too...

Neo: Hey! I'm right here you know.

Trinity: Oh come on, you were practically drowning in your own drool over Merv's slutty wife back there. Did you see what she was wearing? Ho.

Neo: (dreamily) I wouldn't say it was her clothes that got my attention... (is slapped by Trinity) Ouch!

Morpheus: Now, now children.

(The lift door opens to reveal Persephone)

Trinity: (to herself) Speak of the hussy...

Persephone: If you want the Keymaker, follow me.

(They are led by her through to the men's bathroom. The one man in there takes one look at them, then decides he has had to much to drink and quickly leaves)

Persephone: I am going to be frank with you. I think my husband is an arrogant prick, while you on the other hand... (she gazes at Neo) Purr!

Trinity: (displeased) Excuse me, he is spoken for. Arranged by fate and everything.

(Neo looks disheartened at this)

Persephone: I will give you what you want, but first I want a kiss.

(Morpheus goes as if to kiss her)

Persephone: Urgh! Not you! From this fine hunk of a man here, Neo.

(They leap at each other and start passionately kissing, but Trinity is facing the other way and does not notice)

Trinity: No way, we can still get the Keymaker somehow. Maybe the Oracle...

Morpheus: Er, Trinity? He's already kissing her.

Trinity: Neo! You two-timing weasel!

(Neo and Persephone take no notice, being somewhat occupied. After waiting for several minutes for them to stop, Morpheus and Trinity go and sit down against the wall. More time passes, and Morpheus has started playing solitaire while Trinity is still giving the pair evil looks. They finally break apart, breathing heavily)

Persephone: Well, I will certainly give you the Keymaker now!

Morpheus: Good work Neo (pats him on the back)

Neo: Thanks... (looks like he is about to collapse)

(Trinity just glares at him and stalks off after Persephone. They pass through one of the backdoors and into the chateau. Persephone opens a door and surprises Cain and Abel)

Persephone: Relax boys, they are with me. These fellas work for my husband. They do his dirty work.

Neo: (avoiding meeting Trinity's eyes) They are cleaners?

Persephone: No, his dirty work. The more illegal side of things. They come from a much earlier version of the Matrix. They are very good, very loyal. Aren't you boys?

Cain & Abel: Yes mistress...(both trying to follow the film still running behind her head)

Persephone: They are useful as they are notoriously difficult to terminate. How many people keep silver bullets in their guns? Well me for a start.

(She shoots Abel in the head, Cain looks somewhat startled at this)

Persephone: You can either run to the restaurant and tell my husband what I have done, or you can stay there and die.

Cain: (considers this) Erm, what was the first option again?

(She shoots a lamp standing next to him and he runs off)

Persephone: (shouting after him) He's in the ladies room!

Neo: What's he doing in there?

Trinity: (still annoyed) You will never find out from me if you keep gazing at her like that.

(Neo, still confused, follows the others through the secret door hidden imaginatively in a bookcase. The end up in a stereotypical dungeon outside the cell where the Keymaker is being kept. Neo opens the door)

Neo: My name is Neo.

Keymaker: I know, I have the script. I am the Keymaker.

Morpheus: (looking at the walls) I like what you have done with the place. Keys are very this-season.

Keymaker: Thank you, I thought they went well with the general damp and decrepitude of the place.


(The group are just leaving the chateau when the Merovingian and assorted henchmen burst through the doors)

Mero: Oh God, my God, Persephone how could you do this, you betrayed me! Espèce de con! Tu appeler stupide serait une insulte aux personnes stupides!

Persephone: Cause and effect my love.

Mero: Cause? There is no cause for this. What cause?

Persephone: How about the lipstick you are wearing?

Mero: Lipstick? What lipstick? (wipes mouth) There is no lipstick.

Persephone: She wasn't kissing your face my love.

(There is general sniggering at this, even Trinity looks quite impressed. Neo still looks confused)

Neo: I don't get it.

Mero: (now bright red) What do you have x-ray vision or something? This is nothing, this is only a game.

Persephone: So is this. Ten points to me. Have fun (she leaves)

Mero: All right, let us see where this goes. You two (he gestures to the Twins) get the Keymaker.

One: What's the magic word?

Mero: Do it or I'll have you recompiled.

Two: That's more than one word, but okay...

(The Twins phase and go all ghost-like)

One: (to Two) We need to renegotiate our contracts.

Two: The recompiling-at-will clause was a bad move on our part.

One: Well we insisted on the cable TV, didn't we?

Two: We like "When Good Pets Go Bad". Is that so wrong?

(They sink into the floor, still arguing)

Keymaker: I can't go back! It's not in the script! (runs off)

Neo: (to the others) I'll handle them, you go look after him.

Trinity: Don't go near slut-woman again. Or else (leaves)

Morpheus: (running after her) Key-making guy! Come back!

Mero: Handle us? You know your predecessors had much more respect.

(Neo completely fails to notice the mentioning of previous versions of the One, but is slightly distracted by Mero's henchmen firing quite a lot of ammunition at him. He stops all the bullets while trying to think what important point he just missed, but can't remember)

Neo: (ignoring bullets) Damn, he said something important I know it...

(The henchmen run out of bullets to fire and Neo notices them again)

Neo: Oops... (lets bullets fall to the ground)

Mero: Okay, you have some skill, (to henchmen) kill him.

(There follows another cool fight scene in which the henchmen mainly manage to kill each other in various ways. I always feel sorry for the one dressed in white, since they seem completely useless and do die in quite a painful looking fashion. Once this is done, Neo looks around at the damage they have caused)

Neo: Good job all this is just code, some of that stuff looks expensive.

Mero: Damn it, woman, you will be the end of me. Mark my words, boy, and mark them well. I have survived your predecessors, and I will survive you! (stalks off)

Neo: (thinking) Hmm, it's almost like he is trying to tell me something, but what is it?

(Mero opens the main doors back into the restaurant. Neo follows him hoping to ask what he meant with such a cryptic remark, but he opens the door to mountains)

Neo: Was that there earlier? I can't remember now...

(He rings Link)

Neo: Link, where am I?

Link: You are not going to believe this, but you are all the way up in the mountains.

Neo: (slightly sarcastic) Wow I would never have guessed that without your help there. Anyway, where are Trin and Morpheus?

Link: The middle of the city, 500 miles due south

(Neo gathers his focus then shoots off into the sky at an amazing rate)

Link: No, your other south!

(He shoots back in the opposite direction)


You never know at some point I might actually finish this! I may then even put it in the proper order so it doesn't start with the middle and finish with the beginning. You never know. Mero's French has been altered slightly, a digestive to those who work out where his first cursing comes from!