A/N: Thank you again to everyone who's reviewed! They will all be listed at the bottom of the next chappie. This time I want ten more reviews for this and five for Animus Recessus before I do the eighth chapter. Fans of Sirius will like Animus Recessus so read it!

By the way, I'm being careful not to get too explicit in this story - I mean, Hermione is a tasteful sixteen-year-old, she's not about to do more than kissing with her best friend's three biggest enemies! Even if this is a parody... anyway I hope that's okay!

I'm not actually sure what I think of this chapter... anyway, tell me what you think.

From: angelofthenight666darkmail.com

To: theoriginaldeatheater

Subject: Thanks

Darling Volide, thank you so much for this darkmail address - it's such a great way to get rid of all the rubbish I get through my hogwartsmail account - and, as an added bonus, Ron and Harry can no longer annoy me.

I've been thinking ... we haven't met up in a while; maybe we should sometime?

From: theoriginaldeatheater

To: angelofthenight666

Subject: Friday

This Friday, my darling, we will go out. I have the most exciting thing planned! You'll love it, I know it - Bella said you would!

By the way, Bella is now with child and I must admit I have become rather jealous. That brings me to my point. I want a child. And unfortunately, I haven't enough time and patience to wait for you to give birth, which is why we are going to adopt. I cannot wait for Bella's child either, so we shall have to go to the CCCCC (Creepy Crawley Centre for Criminal Children). I've heard we can adopt the most wonderful dark children there. Well, we can discuss it over dinner - I mean, uh, over whatever happens on Friday.

Anyway, I have to go now, Hermy, my darling. Please don't let the ghastly papers get to you - I've already arranged for their deaths. Bella was getting hungry - what could I do?

Bye bye my darling.

All my love,


From: houseelvesrppl2

To: krumtasticquidditchdurmstrangmail.com

Subject: Here goes...

Well, Viktor, you did say in your last e-mail that I could tell you everything, so here goes! This is what I put in my diary this morning.

Dear Diary,

Oh, diary, last night was so fantastic! I met Draco outside the Slytherin Dungeons and he looked well - tantalising! Anyway, we went up to the Room of Requirement, only I hadn't been able to find Harry's invisibility cloak. Which was fine until Sevvie caught us. Oh - the hurt in his eyes, I couldn't endure it diary! I told Draco I'd meet him up there and when he'd gone I did what Sevvie has been wanting me to do for so long - I kissed him. Oh, diary - his breath tasted of garlic and his tongue was rather awkward and it was the most amazing kiss I have ever had. I mean, Voldie is a good kisser, but he's not that good! Oh my - I almost faint at the thought of it!

Well we were there for quite a while then - my hands got a bit stuck in his hair, but I didn't mind. It was quite nice actually! I let out a nervous giggle and he began to kiss me awkwardly all over my face - oh, diary! He's such an awkward lover - he told me he's never even kissed anyone before! I feel so special to know that I am the only person who has ever kissed Severus Snape! It's sort of a talent he's hiding...

Anyway, after that, I met Draco outside the Room of Requirement where he pulled me close to him and he felt his minty-fresh breath in my mouth, and well, I must admit I was a bit put off. But I let him kiss me anyway - I couldn't help it, diary, I'm so incredibly attracted to, well, not him exactly, it's just the dark side that Voldie introduced me to. I love the feeling of danger, of doing something that I know I shouldn't be doing - despite the fact that I know how much I could hurt Voldie and Sevvie.

I must admit actually, that I'm not so attracted to Voldie anymore. He's just what I use to annoy Ron - and it's so funny to see how wound up he gets. If he didn't annoy me so much, I'd feel sorry for him...

Oh - sorry Viktor, I couldn't write anymore because Lavender and Parvarti started leaning over my shoulder after that and asked what I was writing. It doesn't matter, though, because they'll cry when they see what marks Sevvie's going to give them for their Potions exam today, however good they are.

From: blondebombshell

To: houseelvesrppl2

Subject: Last night

Wow, Mione, I didn't know you had last night in you! I really wasn't expecting you to come to the dungeons last night, especially when you were late. I must say, though, you looked so incredibly breathless with your hair up and that black make-up and your black skirt and that incredibly vibrant red top. I can't remember the last time anyone looked so great! I didn't think you had that outfit in you, Mione, I must admit.

I loved it when we walked through that thin secret passage - we had to squeeze so close and you smelt so nice and so intoxicating that I could barely contain myself, I just wanted to kiss you so badly, Mione!

I must admit, I was a bit peeved when Professor Snape saw us and asked you to speak to him about the exam tomorrow. You were there for a while, too. I was waiting for you for a while, so I sneaked to the kitchen through another secret passage and scared off all the elves by making them think I was dying and that Potter had killed me! That stupid elf that father chucked out a few years ago was there, though, and he told me I deserved it. Stupid little runt.

I can't express how happy I was to see you when you finally turned up. Pansy never looked as beautiful as you when I took her out. You know, Pansy annoyed me so much I used a Polyjuice Potion on Goyle to make him look like you and I made a big show of taking him out in front of her. Now that I've got the real thing though, it's much better. Especially since the potion didn't work that well and Goyle just looked like a bushy-haired animal with big teeth and clenching fists.

Then that kiss... wow! You're a great kisser, Mione, I must admit! We should try that again sometime!

I think it was great when we walked past the Room of Requirement three times, I loved seeing that dark alleyway appear! It was so dangerous that it was romantic - sorry if my pulling you close scared you, it was all because I wanted to be near you, I'm not easily scared... I mean, who would be scared of dark, creepy, terrifying - what was I saying?

Oh yeah, well after that, I loved showing you the Hog's Head by night! I took Pansy there once and she got scared off by all the weird creatures hanging around, especially the Dementor. But they're okay once you get to know them and it was so great that you would give them a chance. I'm thinking of setting up a club called DUH, which stands for Dementors Understand Humans so I can raise awareness of the friendly side of the Dementors and then they can live with us in harmony. I invited one to live in the Malfoy Manner with us once when I was about ten - there was this poor Dementor outcast by the others, all on its own. But father said absolutely not when mother fainted. I still can't think why they didn't like Dementy (that was his name).

Anyway, I have to go now because it's Transfiguration and I have to get a seat near the front so I get a better view - I mean, I like to sit at the front so that I know I won't miss anything that might come up on the exam...

Well, I'll talk to you later.

Lots of love and kisses,


To: lonelyhearts.mugglekillerdarkmail.com

From: angelofthenight666

Subject: Honey at Hogwarts

Attachment: devestatinglybeautiful.jpg

Dear Mr Lonely Hearts,

You probably know me, but in case you don't, my name is Hermione Granger. I would like to advertise in the Lonely Hearts feature of Muggle Killer magazine, as I am, uh, no longer with the Dark Lord. My advert is as follows:

Honey at Hogwarts seeks dark, dangerous and devilish older man, a wizard with a passion for killing, someone who does not mind being used in a plot against red-haired Ôblood traitors'.

All applicants fitting the above description should reply to angelofthenight666darkmail.com

Thank You.


Hermione Granger

P.S Mr Lonely Hearts, if you ever feel lonely, you may also send a message to my darkmail account. I am open to all older men with a love for danger.

P.P.S I include a picture of myself looking rather windswept. I think you'll agree that the picture portrays me to be a heartbreaker.

To: angelofthenight666

From: luciusisagoddarkmail.com

Subject: Lonely Hearts

Attachment: sexy.gif

Honey at Hogwarts, my name is Lucius Malfoy and when I saw your picture in the Lonely Hearts column of Muggle Killer magazine, I must say I fell head over heels. My wife, I suspect, is having an affair with Redolphus Lestrange (probably because I had an affair with Bella a while back) and Avery too, so I would like to get back at her. I also suspect she has a toy boy - some friend of my son's, no doubt. If you agree to see me, I could get back at her whilst having great fun too.

You can see if you like me by having a look at my picture. I took it topless because I thought it would impress you to show off my muscles. Don't worry about the flab, or the third nipple - no one need know... My wife, Narcissa, says I'm quite cuddly and that my third nipple is good to nibble. Feel free to try for yourself.

Anyway, please get back to me.

Lucius (Or you can call me Cius - I think it sounds quite cool and god-like, don't you?)

To: luciusisagod

From: angelofthenight666

Subject: Re: Lonely Hearts

Lucius, I loved that picture! I must say you did look rather captivating! Meet me in the Shrieking Shack tonight at ten.

To: padfootforever

From: houseelvesrppl2

Subject: I've been naughty

Harry, I've been a bad girl! Would you please forgive me and meet me outside the Room of Requirement tonight at eleven? Please Harry, I love you so much - I cannot go on living unless I am by your side.