Aliens (at last) by The Hype a red dwarf fan fiction:

Dedicated to Lauren Scavenger-Who without we would not be inspired enough to write good Fan fiction. Keep up the good work!!!

"For smeg's sake Rimmer", Lister yelled, "I need my cigarettes" Rimmer, motioning for kryten to follow yelled back "lister you do not need the cigarettes you just think you do, now get on with it" Lister, who had been itemizing the supplies for the better part of a day was ready to go and kill the hologram he shared his bunk with, but decided against it as he thought of a way to get him back. Kryten, who was following rimmer through the engine decks, asked, "where are we going Mr Rimmer sir, we haven't the time to be looking at the engines". Rimmer quite contentedly said, "We are going to flush the entire supply of cigarettes out into space and if you don't like it, tough" "But sir Mr Lister said that he needed those cigarettes" "If Lister told you to jump off a cliff." "I'd be there with bells on Mr rimmer," Kryten said sarcastically.

At precisely that moment holly came on the view screen and Screamed RED ALERT, RED ALERT unknown life form detected on the ship. "Where is it holly" rimmer asked Its right there holly managed to say before rimmer was knocked out. Kryten started to help him up but a second volley of bazookoid fire stunned him too then the unseen life form took out the closest monitor."

"What was that" lister shouted and started running towards the cargo bay. "As holly shouted out a warning lister turned back but the unseen thing sensing movement fired another round and took lister out.

He woke up hours later and turning around he noticed that the cat was not there. Realizing that something had happened he tried to call holly but stopped when he saw that this monitor had been destroyed too. He immediately heard a shuffling sound and tried to pretend he was asleep as the alien came back into the room. Speaking in it's strange guttural language it said "Get up Human Lister I know you're awake I can sense it. Finally getting up lister said, "what do you want with us?" I want you're ship, said the alien, strangely confident about its apparent takeover of the craft and I want you're skin to sell to the gelfs. Lister was momentarily silent as he heard what sounded like the crackling of electricity before the monitor the alien was leaning on blew up as the cat walked in with a hair dryer and an iron plugged into a wall socket. What happened monkey and what is that? "Just an alien", lister said. "Wow ugly" the cat said putting emphasis on each letter, "when he wakes up I might have to chase him".

Lister turned to see Rimmer and Kryten sitting up and motioned the cat to move so they could see the alien, unfortunately there was nothing there. "For smeg's sake lister shouted "where's it gone?" Rimmer then slowly started moving towards the door, and not the door the alien went out. "Rimmer get back here man, or well switch you off and destroy you're hologram disk" Picking up the nearest bazookoid lister opened the door and jumped out mission impossible style. There was a trail of slime and mucus leading towards the lift and it continued into the drive room. Rimmer was still trying to sneak away inconspicuously as they entered the drive room but when he heard a noise behind him he decided that he would rather cry and use his trousers as a temporary latrine.

The Cat was getting agitated as Lister told him to follow Kryten down one passage while he and rimmer took another. "Listen buddy, I've missed two sleeps and food and I'm not taking orders form someone who looks like you." Lister looked at him impatiently and threatened "if you don't follow him now, ill shove this bazookoid up you're backside and you will never be able to sleep again."

The alien was watching all this from around a corner wondering how these sorts of people could outsmart him. Kryten who was looking at his PsyScannertm said with alarm "I don't want anyone to panic but there could very well be a very big alien around that corner", as he finished saying that lister unloaded a round of bazookoid fire into the corner that kryten was talking about, as he did so the alien suddenly disappeared. "See, it shouldn't have messed with the 'boyz from the dwarf' Lister said doing the special shake they used. "Come on then" lister said, and they all clapped, revealing that they were In an A.R computer game. "Get out I want to play Wimbledon".