From the desk of Professor Severus Snape~ Potions Master, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry


POSITION REQUESTED: Defence Against the Dark Arts

To Whom it May Concern:

This letter is in compliance with the school guidelines stating that all applicants for new teaching positions must submit a letter of proposal for acceptance. Disregarding the fact that this position is less NEW than it is unfairly occupied at the time, and I am less an APPLICANT than I am sick and tired of doing this every year. . .let's just get on with the spiel.

I feel that, given my years of teaching at this school, my experience with the subject matter involved in the said requested teaching position and my overall smashing good looks, make me an ideal candidate for the Defence Against the Dark Arts teaching position. I could probably prove it by cursing the lot of you to Kingdom Come and then no one would oppose me for the position, but somehow I know that isn't the best way to go about applying for a job.

But if this proposal is rejected, it might become my second option.

As I look back upon my tenure with the school, I am sharply reminded of how I have put forth a great amount of effort into educating the young minds of our students. I am even more sharply reminded of how my efforts to educate their young minds with sharp instruments has been unjustly frowned upon during the last few years. I feel that, given my history and record with the school, I would be able to bring experience, knowledge and one hell of a wardrobe to the vacated Dark Arts position. I need not remind you of some of the more recent winners we've had squatting in the DA job like giant loathesome toadstools, running the whole bloody course six feet into the ground and generally nancing about under my nose as if they were actually qualified to teach a class, much less find their classroom unaided, recognize a class when they see one, or attempt to not put a flashcard labelled "class" in their mouths and eat it.

I realize that, for reasons unknown, my proposal each year for this position has been rejected. I hate those reasons. I don't have to know them to hate them. I am considering filing a suit against this school for discrimination. I am also considering filing sexual harassment suits againt the Headmaster, Mr. Filch, one of the knights of armor in the upper corridor, a ball of string and Switzerland. This is, after all, a wizard school and is therefore completely unsupervised by any sort of nationally recognized Board of Ed or even an official magistrate, so hopefully the suits will go through and I'll make out like a bandit.

With all of that in mind, I would also like to clear up some misconceptions that may have hitherto been the source of my rejection every year for this position.

1. I do not, in fact, endorse shopping at Hot Topic, and I forbid students to even talk about that ridiculous muggle shop. Clothing should be functional, not a luxury that is justified in throwing away outrageous amounts of money that last time I was in town and spent my entire paycheck.

2. Yes, for your information, I DO attend a funeral every day in this outfit. I don't just wear black for the hell of it.

3. The matrix may be the only reality, but it's a reality that ripped its wardrobe from ME.

4. For the last time, I do not know who has been writing "$N4P3 RUL3$ H4X0R$ 4-3V3R!!!" in the men's bathroom in the third floor corridor in my handwriting.

With that out of the way, I would like to seriously suggest that you reconsider hiring me as the Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher for the coming fall term, and preferably for every term after that until I bloody well decide I've had enough and knock you all off with vials of poison in your dinners one night. Thank you. I remain,

Yours truly, Severus Snape

P.S. $N4P3 RUL3$.