Fickle Fanfiction or Why Does Hermione Get To Decide Who Gets All The Sex….
by shadowycat :)
Disclaimer: This is pure fluff. These characters in their more staid states belong to J.K.Rowling alone, but frankly I imagine she'd be appalled by their behavior here.
Flitwick stomped his small foot in fury and glared at his companions. "It's my turn I tell you…MINE! I won't stand for being overlooked any longer! I am every bit as capable as the rest of you, I deserve my chance!"
Snape raised an eyebrow and smirked down at his diminutive colleague. "Now Flitwick don't go all apoplectic on us. Pomfrey isn't here at the moment, and I'm sure you don't want Lupin giving you mouth to mouth."
Lupin huffed in annoyance. "Why is it always me, Severus? You're the Potions Master. You deal with healing potions and what not, don't you?"
Snape leaned back in his chair and sneered pleasantly at the werewolf, "Yes, but you're the kind and understanding one. You'd never let someone die at your feet without doing everything you could to save his or her pitiful life. I, on the other hand, wouldn't cross the street to spit on anyone who wasn't of use to me."
Lupin grinned back, "Oh, I think that's a little harsh, Severus."
"Do you? Why thank you…I…"
Before Snape could continue to expound on this topic, Flitwick jabbed him in the chest with a stubby finger and glared up into his face. "We were talking about me, Severus! How come every conversation always ends up being about you?"
Snape looked momentarily confused at the interruption. "Oh, Flitwick…so sorry, I forgot you were here."
Flitwick's face got even redder. "Forgot I was here!!?"
At that moment, Black entered the room grinning from ear to ear. "Hey did you hear, I just shagged her again. Apparently being dead hasn't slowed me down any. It was the Astronomy tower again, of course. I do wish they'd be a trifle more imaginative with the setting, but it was a really juicy scene so I suppose I shouldn't complain." He took a seat and buffed his fingernails on his puffed up chest. "So who's next…Lupin? Or is it Snape again. I swear Severus you do it more than any of the rest of us. What's your secret?"
Snape smirked confidently, but before he could answer, an irate voice from around the position of his navel screeched for attention.
"No…you ignoramus! It's my turn. My turn, do you hear!"
Black turned and looked down at the red-faced wizard in front of him. "Oh, hello, Flitwick, didn't see you there, and it's animagus…A-N-I-M-A-G-U-S…not ignoramus. Sheesh, and here I thought you were the smart one."
Flitwick kicked Black in the ankle with a tiny shod foot. "Go stuff yourself, you fool. It's my turn, I tell you."
Black frowned and bent down to rub his ankle. "What's he on about anyway?"
Lupin grinned at his friend. "He feels a trifle overlooked by the authors out there. Feels that he deserves to have a turn with romance as often as we do."
Black nodded sagely, "Ah…well, Flitwick old man, it's fine with me. I'm a trifle tuckered if you must know the truth, but I'm afraid that our girl has specifically requested that you not be considered for romancing or parenting duties. I think you're okay if all you want to do is babysit, though, isn't that right, Snape?"
Snape nodded, "Yes, I'm afraid so. Since she's the only female of the appropriate age range involved here, she gets to set the rules. There are entire websites devoted to her sexual preferences, Flitwick. Sadly it doesn't seem as if diminutive Charms professors are on the approved list. None of the most talented fanfiction authors have seen fit to include you yet, and they'd obviously know best. Fortunately virile but misunderstood Potions Masters are on the list…near the top actually." He smirked and wriggled his eyebrows suggestively.
Lupin smirked back, "Yes, so are dashingly handsome but tragically flawed animagi and lonely and tragically cursed werewolves…but Charms teachers…no, sorry."
All three men sat there and smirked rather insufferably at their smaller colleague with superior smiles on their faces.
Flitwick drew himself up to his full but still negligent height and huffed. "Well, we'll just have to see about that." With a deft swish and flick of his wrist he undid the fastenings of his trousers to free the most enormous erection that any of the flabbergasted wizards who now gaped at him in wonder had ever seen in their entire lives.
Flitwick smirked at his astounded compatriots and sneered. "Perhaps the golden girl merely needs some persuasion. I'd best go and see for myself, don't you think?"
With that, he turned and headed for the door with a definite swagger in his step, calling, "Oh, Hermione…where are you hiding, dear girl, I have something to show you…"