You had me at hello, but then lost me at goodbye.
I can't decide what I should really be thinking right now. I mean, should I be happy for myself or sad for myself? Either way, I'm fucked beyond belief.
But what can be done, right? It's not like I can go back in time and make sure my parents don't go through with their second wedding. But then again…
I can't go back and forget about Taichi either.
As hard as I try, I can't get his face out of my mind. Every time I've attempted to sleep on this flight, I come to find that I can't keep my eyes closed because all I can see is his smooth tan skin, his fiery brown eyes, the dark tresses that fell in all directions, and the charming smile that (eventually) melted me.
It's ironic really…just when I thought life deciding to stop being a bitch, something else came along and screwed it up. But of course, this something is actually a good thing…isn't it?
Bah, I don't know. I can't decide. Like I said, either way I'm fucked beyond belief. I'm thrilled that Mom and Dad got married again, I guess. It's what I've been hoping for since I was in, like, second grade. But given the circumstances now, I wonder if it's really worth celebrating. The family's perfect now: the husband, the wife, and their two children. Perfect, that is, if you can tolerate the fact that one of the sons is being a melodramatic bitch. Oh well, I deserve to wallow, don't I? Meh, who knows…I mean, it's not like I'm the only one leaving somebody behind. After all, Takes and Kari have been going out longer than me and Tai and he's holding up perfectly fine. A side-glance to my right proved that instead of my younger brother being fast asleep as he had been moments before, his eyes were open and watching me intently.
"Doin' some deep thinking?" he questioned, leaning back in his seat and turning on his side to face me. I merely shrugged and looked back out the window. Everything looked so small from up here. Japan was already so far away, it was insane.
"Matt?" TK called out to me again. I looked away from the window and faced him once more.
"What?" I cringed at the sound of my own voice. It sounded so pitiful; tiny and rather hoarse. A sympathetic smile crossed over TK's face.
"Your eyes look glassy," he whispered tiredly. I know…it doesn't surprise me at all. I can't cry now. I can't disappoint Dad and Mom like that.
Besides, it's too late to turn around now. I blinked and felt a lone teardrop make its way down my cheek. Out of instinct (at least, I'm guessing out of instinct), TK reached forward and brushed it away. Rather than doing something good, his action just caused me to shed more tears. Why? Why not?
Tai had done the same thing right before we left Japan.
I don't understand it. Before I went to Japan, I didn't really care about people at all. But now, I care too much about people. Certain people, actually. Crap, I don't know what I'm saying now. All I know is that Tai will find somebody else once I'm gone along enough. Sure, it's going to hurt for the first few months, but we'll slowly go back to our lives that we had before each other.
But really, do I want to go back? Is it really worth it to go back to being a total jackass to everyone and having people hate me for being who I am? Is it really worth it to go back to being the lonely emo-kid that people just brushed off?
Or, would it be more appropriate to be who I am now?
Of course, the obvious answer is to be who I am now. But I mean, how is that possible when the one who brings out the best of me is on the other side of the world? Can I really do this by myself? Seriously, he was practically my first everything: my first friend at the academy, my first best friend, my first crush, my first boyfriend, my first kiss, my first…ahah, blowjob, and the first person that I feel like I'm not going to be able to live without.
I suppose I could try, but it won't be easy. Just because Tai's out of my life for now doesn't mean it has to end.
Besides, I still have the rose. That's all that matters. We'll meet up again some day…and we'll just have topick up right where we left off.
It's only been six hours since the Ishidas left us here. And yet, life already seems to suck major ass. I have a feeling I'm taking this harder than I should be, but frankly, I don't give a damn. Yamato was mine. They took him away from me and now he's gone. He probably won't be coming back either. Well, I can still keep in touch with him via the internet.
…oh what the hell am I saying? That's probably the most retarded way to keep up a relationship! But of course, I'm too damn stubborn to give up that easily. I worked too hard to get him; a couple of continents aren't going to stop us from being together.
The house is so quiet right now. Kari's out with Mimi, something about going to a slumber party to take her mind off of TK. I can hear Daisuke talking in Mom's room. He's been on the phone with Kiseki for the past hour. I think they managed to work everything out, but they're not getting back together. They both decided it would be better to just be friends. Which is good, that's all they need to be at this point.
I'm not quite sure what Matt thinks is going to happen. He's under the impression that I'm going to go off and find somebody better. Oh please, like who? Haru? Give me a break…
"No!" Realization suddenly dawned on me
"What no?" Daisuke poked his head into the room. I sighed and shook my head.
"I just thought of something I forgot to tell Matt about," I replied. Daisuke nodded and bounced over onto his bed, smiling happily and practically giggling.
"I'm sorry," he offered before he did start laughing. I could tell that I had a skeptical look on my face.
"What the hell's got you all giddy?" I asked before I could stop myself.
"Me and Kiseki made up," he beamed.
"Annnnd, he's gonna try to come visit sometime this summer!" he squealed. I nodded, slightly uninterested now.
"…what's wrong with you?" Daisuke finally clued in that I wasn't as excited as he was.
"Nothing; get out of my room," I ordered.
"It's my room too," he started to argue. I stood up and pointed to the door.
"Get out!" I shouted, walking toward him and shoving him out into the hall.
"Jeeze, all right!" he yelled back, stomping off downstairs. I slammed the bedroom door shut and sat back down at the desk in our room, pulling out my laptop quickly.
I had to write Matt a very long email. I wasn't sure why, but I had to say what I was thinking right at the moment. Opening hotmail, I logged in and typed in Yama's email address, starting in on my email.
No, that sounds retarded…let's try that again.
Hey Yama, what's up?
Blah, that sounds stupid too. Fauck, never mind, you get the point. I'm willing to bet that you're not even on the ground yet huh? Oh well, you're probably halfway home.
It's been six hours since you and your family left. Hikari's holding up pretty well: she says she's going to miss TK but that she wasn't going to let it totally ruin her life.
Wish I could say the same thing.
I swear, Yama, I already miss you enough that I want to fly to New York just to be with you. It's like a huge piece of me is missing. I wonder if you feel the same way. Maybe…possibly…hopefully.
There were so many things left unsaid when we split up. It's like…how can I describe this? We need to get you back here, now. Before I go insane. Eh, wait, I'm already insane…haha, just kidding. Ugh, I have one more thing to say…Hikari was telling me to tell you some stuff I've been avoiding on telling you.
Stories of my past.
I would inform you now, but it would seem totally stupid to do it in an email, y'know? Oh hell, I know I'm just rambling now because I want you back so bad.
Speaking of which, Kiseki and Daisuke made up. They're cool again. That's good, isn't it? I don't know…I don't really care.
Let's play a game…I'm going to type out every thought that's running through my head at this point.
I miss you.
I love you.
I want you home. Not that home, your real home.
I should have raped you when I had the chance.
I was just kidding about that last part.
I didn't deserve you.
You deserve to be happy, which is the only reason I let you go.
You're prettier than your brother.
I'm going to save all of my money to get a ticket to go to America. Or to bring you here to me, whichever is cheaper.
I already have a job. I'm a lifeguard at the public pool for the summer.
My mom's already concerned about me.
I haven't eaten since yesterday and I'm too lazy to get food at this point.
Daisuke won't stop bothering me.
I think we can make this work.
You're my soulmate…
I think that's everything…I had no point in emailing you…I just needed you to know that you've been gone for so long and I still love you. Write me back when you get this, all right? I miss and love you with every fiber of my being.
Love you always, Taichi.
I realized that the email sounded totally lame, but I just needed to write it, to make it feel like Yama was still real. I'm afraid that tomorrow morning I'm going to wake up and I'll be in my room at the academy. It will be a normal day in October…but Yamato will never come.
What if he really was too good to be true? It wouldn't surprise me, actually. I mean, God seemingly hates me. It wouldn't shock me in the least to find out that somebody was messing with my mind.
Oh well, all I can do is believe that everything was real and everything was perfect.
A knock on my door brought me back down to reality.
"Daisuke, I already told you to go away!"
"It's not Dai, it's me." Kari. I thought she was gone? Oh well, apparently she's home. I got up and opened the door, looking down at her. She looked so vulnerable and innocent, standing there quietly, waiting for me to acknowledge her.
"What? I thought you were at Meems' house?"
"I was, but I couldn't stay there. It was hard trying to be happy. Too soon, y'know?" she said and side-stepped me into the bedroom. I nodded and shut the door, sitting next to her on my bed.
"So, what's up?" I asked her. She sighed and played with the fringe of her shirt.
"I miss TK…and I think the only one who will understand how much is you."
"…probably. I just wrote Matt an email with the intentions of telling him about Haru."
"Did you?" She suddenly looked hopeful. I shook my head and shrugged.
"Nah, that would be so ridiculous. I'd rather tell him in person."
"You have a point," she agreed and fidgeted again. It was then I noticed she had something in her hand.
"Whacha got there?" I asked, tilting my head curiously and attempting to grab it from her hands. She was quicker, however, and hid it behind her back.
"Just wait, okay? I'll let you see it in a moment," she assured me. I pouted and waited for her to continue with…whatever she was doing. "So anyway, I was thinking…"
"If I should just let him go or not."
"Oh! Sorry, I got lost," I said sheepishly. She rolled her eyes and continued talking.
"What did you and Matt decide?"
"…I can't even remember. Probably that we were done, but I'm still considering myself to be dating him."
"Yeah?" She watched me closely, probably waiting to see if I was going to crack or not.
"Yep. But with you and TK, it really depends on…" I stopped talking and sighed. "Listen, Kar, I'm not good on this whole advice thing."
"…you really do miss him a lot, don't you?"
"Is that pathetic?"
"Of course not, why would it be?" she asked as though it were a retarded question.
"Because we knew each other for such a short amount of time, that's why."
"Seven months isn't that short of an amount, Tai."
"…right," I replied, feeling the onset of a bad mood beginning to arise. Kari shook her head and shoved the…thing into my hand. Looking down, I unfolded it and examined it. My eyes widened and my mouth fell open.
"Where did you get this?" I questioned her suddenly, looking up from the picture of me and Matt in my hand. I mean, it was a picture of both of us, in my bed (yes, fully-clothed, you freaks), him in my arms and snuggled up together. How did I not notice this?
"That one day during Christmas break? I think it was the morning after you guys came home and we watched The Exorcist. I just printed it out," she explained to me, smiling gently. "Do you like it?"
I think I have never loved my sister as much as I did at that moment.
"God…Kari…" I couldn't say any more before I ended up grabbing her into a suffocating hug. She didn't bother trying to pry herself out from my grip like she usually does. Instead, she just hugged me back just as tightly. I knew I was going to end up crying really soon if I didn't do something, but now, I didn't seem to care. So what if Kari saw me bawl my eyes out? It's not like she hasn't before.
So I did. Yep, you heard me, I started crying. I don't even know why. It could have been because it hurt so much knowing that Matt was so far away. It could have been because my sister gave me the world in a photograph. Or it could have been because I had Kari's toothbrush digging into my side. At this point, it didn't matter. All that mattered was the moment I was living in just then. The moment that made me think. The moment that made me smile through my tears.
The moment that made me believe that all would be right in the world someday; just like it used to be.
WOW. It's finally over guys, for real this time. This is the end of Black Rose. Kinda sad huh? Oh well, I'm proud of it.
Thanks to: TaintedWolf, Dreamcrafter, anne-rice-fan, neo, dimonyo-anghel, Tifa-sama, Kaiya5, Black Mirror, lil'mi1, Crazy bitch from Texas, yoshi-iso-cute, Keiran, Moppy, dreamer, April, Demolition Lovers, SelenaWheeler, Panthino, Darkshipping, The Kaizeress, Largo-sensei, regretfully-yours-Cassy-chan, Octavo, Lugga, Micho chan, Demon fritillary, getmebeforeigetyou, piryha, Noroi-Inu, CircleKV12, Dreamer, and Queen of the Paperclips.
Now, while I thank everyone for reviewing and such, there are definitely people out there that I owe a special thanks to.
nEo: My wonderful wife, where would I be without you? Haha, Frozen Flame's gonna be fun. Thanks for reviewing every single chapter and letting me bounce ideas off of you. I less than three you. Ahh, I can't describe how much. You're just so random like myself, that's why I adore talking to you. Always remember, we are exotic-neroutics!
Josh: My perky little gay boy, you're my absolute favorite. Hah, you're like mine and neo's son man, it's great. Ahh, I totally adore you though. I can't remember if you've reviewed every chapter, but it feels like it. I love talking to you on AIM and stuff. The movie's gonna be fun to try, neh? Hope you had a good time in Disneyland by the way!
Jurion: Juri, Juri, Juri. Man, you always pull the story apart. I don't even remember where you came from. One day you just kind of showed up. Haha, glad you did though, you're wonderful.
Adam: And of course, my favorite Aussie boy. I love you and crap, thanks for supporting me, haha. You were the only one awake with me at New Years!
Sen-Tay: Taylere, doll, I love you so much, even though we don't talk that much anymore. You need to get on AIM more often! Thanks for being one of my biggest "fans" and for leaving me some of the longest reviews ever, haha. I'll make the cookies go boom now, just for you.
Octavo: Ez! You always point out my errors, spelling and grammar-wise. Nevertheless, I appreciate it, haha. You seriously rock man and I actually do enjoy talking to you. Thanks for sticking with me.
Dreamcrafter: DC! You always make me feel special and I absolutely love it. Thanks for being supportive and awesome. I love you!
Gaby: Gabilicious! Aww, you're my favorite lemon, haha. I can't believe we didn't meet sooner! Gah, that makes me sad, Gabs, really. But we're together now! Woot, and sharing the same brain (even though neo took mine..). Point is, I love you. You're so fun to talk to and you make me smile no matter what. It's grand.
April: My beautiful beta! Sorry you didn't get to really beta this story, but FF is all yours, I swear. Man, I wish you weren't grounded or whatever, I miss talking to you on a daily basis. It makes Ty sad. Oh well, I like talking to you when I can. I love you and you always have the most random crap to show me that cracks me up. Thanks for offering to beta my stuff, love. It helps me so much.
And lastly, Issa-K: I doubt you'll read this (hence why you're last on here), but I'm thanking you anyway because you're my husband and you might divorce me if I don't mention you. Haha, you're wonderful. Random role plays and odd discussions: that's what makes up the Issa-Ty ship. I heart you.
Thanks for reading the story, everybody. I'd like to note that on Friday, January 6th, the first chapter of Frozen Flame is going up. It's already finished, so now it's just being betaed. It'll be fun! I appreciate all of the positive reviews and support I got from all of you. It means a lot to me as a writer.
So Happy New Year and I hope you enjoyed Black Rose!