Wacky Fanfiction Bite from Legend of the Five Rings

By: Daimyo Shi AKA Bayashi Hajime

Disclaimer: I do not own Legend of the Five Rings or the many characters use in this story they come from the minds of those employed with AEG.

Warning this is extremely Wacky L5R nonsense. I am not responsible for brain damage cause by such antics. read at you own risk.

The tension about the Toshi Ranbo has reach and all time high. Matsu Nimuro has told the Crane to fight him. Currently the Lion and Crane are standing ready for battle. Curiously, Doji Kurohito is not present.

"What the hell is the hold up?" asks Matsu Nimuro.

"Uh just a second, Matsu-sama. Our lord was having trouble with his armour." says some nameless Crane.

"Can't you Crane do anything Right?" says Matsu Nimuro.

As if to answer his question, Kurohito [April Lee version] Struts out to the Front of his army. Kid Rock's 'Bawitdaba' plays as he comes out. A number of Samurai-ko on both sides drool. Kurohito is Dressed in his blue Crane armour with his Daisho all polished up, Classic style Ray-ban shades and a powder blue fedora with a White band and long white feather. Is struts to the middle of the field. He takes out a cigarette and put it in his mouth. He then pulls a Cowboy Bebop Zippo out and lights it. He takes big drag on it and slow exhales the smoke.

"So Nimuro, you think that the Crane clan lit the fire to cause you trouble, eh? I tell you that it is not true, you have my word!" Kurohito begins another Drag on his cigarette.

"Doji you are not taking this serious enough!" growls Nimuro.

"Hey I take everything seriously! Nimuro, but I am offended that you would think so poorly of me. Still I willing to deal with it, they say that the Lion are capable of anything. I like to put that to the test!" says Kurohito with a cocky smile.

Nimuro is mad as hell right now so he snarl "What ever you can do I can do better!"

"I see then. I challenge you to a 'Pimp Off' then Nimuro.

A collective sigh of reassignment goes through the Lion Ranks the lead Akodo thinks [No one can beat a Crane at a pimp off. I told him it could happen but did he listen to me. NO!! Baka, Baka, Baka.]

Nimuro hesitates for a moment before says "I accept."

"Well then you pick ten women from your side and I pick ten from mine and the one that make swoon the most wins, Ok." says Kurohito

"Hai."sighs Nimuro.

Each of them pick ten women from their armies and they sit in the middle of the field in full view of both armies.

"You want to go first or second Nimuro." says Kurohito.

"Second." [That way I can just coincide defeat.]

Kurohito starts with a stern look Matsu woman. "Hello Matsu-chan, you look very lovely today on this beautiful summer day." says Kurohito as he strokes her cheek. The Matsu remains unmoved. Kurohito continues "Your eyes are beautiful as a Midwinter's evening sky. The kind of eyes a man could get lost in forever." in the background of both armies bet can be heard being made. A hint of a smile graces the Matsu's face. Kurohito smiles himself, "your smile reminds me of the first day of spring, such a feeling of hope and newness." Says Kurohito "A early spring morning as the flowers are budding and a Man's thought turn to love."

"Oh Doji-sama!" says the Matsu women with big hearts in her eyes. As time goes on, Kurohito make every single women Swoon.

"Your turn Nimuro." says Kurohito.

"Forget it, you win this time Doji." growls Nimuro. Nimuro orders his troops to withdraw.

Doji Koruhito take bows as his army claps!


Emperor Toturi III is sitting in court listing to some courtier drone on about how he needs imperial help to deal with some flood. When suddenly the door to the court open wide and a woman enters. Dressed in a Red and Black Kimono that hands of the shoulders showing her cleavage walks a woman of impeccable grace and beauty. All the men are drooling, Doji Kurohido even has his tongue hanging out. Doji Akiko slaps him so hard that he hits the ground. His sister, Doji Yasuyo standing beside her now down brother is trying to wipe her own drool away hoping that her down downed brother had distracted everyone from her own action.

A lion close the Emperor, manages "Halt , who are you?"

"I am Shosuro Kachiko, I have come to ask If the Emperor will have me as his wife." says Shosuro Kachiko.

"Yep! Of Course!" says Toturi III "Hey ever one leave! I have an another appointment!"

Everyone files out of the Court room and all the men and one woman have one thought [Lucky bastard!]


In their bed chamber sit Hida Kuon and Hida Reiha. Kuon is stroking Reiha's hair

"You are so beautiful tonight, you take my my breath away."

"Oh Kuon-kun you are so romantic." says Reiha as she strokes Kuon's cheek, feeling his whiskers.

Heavy foot steps have be heard running down the hall and then there is knock on the door.


"WHAT!" yells a very displeased Kuon.

The door is torn open. "The Shadowlands are launching an attack! There is at least a couple thousand of them!"

"Again!" shouts Reiha.

"Kuso! I make them pay for interrupting my Noogie! I bash them so far into the ground that they come up in the Gaijin lands!" says Kuon as he grabs his Hammer and Daisho.


Toturi the Third slams his fis on the arm rest of his throne. "Where is the Emerald Champion!"

"He is coming Toturi-toma!" says one of the courtiers.

"He better get her soon!" says Toturi.

The court doors open and Yasuki Hachi is walking town the centre of the the room in a Emerald Green silk double breasted Suit and a Green Fedora with a long white feather coming out of the band. On his left arm is a Stunning Beautiful Crane woman with a Blue off the Shoulder kimono and On his right is a equally stunning phoenix woman wearing a fiery orange Kimono. He take his arms off them, which make the pout cutely. And bows to Toturi the Third.

"I am deeply sorry my lord." says Hachi as he raises hsi arms up to show his wrists. Each of them has a piece of red silk tied around it with a bit hang of that has been cut. "I was a bit tied up when you messenger got to my house."