Crossover: "Phantasm" Meets "Police Academy" a.k.a. Don't Ever Touch My Balls Without Asking.BOOYY!

Note: As always, I don't own the "Police Academy" characters. I don't own the "Phantasm" characters, either; their rightful owner is Don Coscarelli. So don't get me in trouble for doing this, or else I'll sic Sergeant Tackleberry on you! This is my first try at a movie crossover, so I may be a little shaky with this story. I got my inspiration for this fic from listening to the theme from "Phantasm". I'd seen some of the original movie a while back and found it to be a great horror flick.

It had returned. The Morningside Mortuary was back, standing where it had always been. And that meant only one thing.he was back as well, continuing his reign of death. There was no way to kill him. No way to stop his rule of terror. No way to keep him from perpetuating his grisly work. Morningside's angel of death had returned.


Jessica Tackleberry sat at the desk in her office of the Metropolitan Police Precinct and stretched.

"God, I hate Mondays," she muttered, then yawned sleepily as she looked down at the desk, littered with paperwork. Mondays were not her favorite. "I despise them with a passion." Just then, Eugene, her husband of almost a year, stuck his head inside.

"Jessica? Can you come here for a second?" He waved her over to where he was standing at the door.

"Sure," Jess replied. She stood and went over to see what was up. "What've you got for me?"

"I got a report today that I found to be very odd," the taller Tackleberry said as he opened up the file with the case record in it.

"Well, what could it be?" asked the shorter of the two.

"It appears that someone is being stalked by this old man," Eugene continued as he handed Jessica the report. "I don't have a name of whoever this person is. The boy only told me he goes by the name of-" Jessica cut him off as she found what he was talking about.

"-The Tall Man," she finished for him. She looked away for a moment, thinking about whether the name rang a bell. After a minute or so, she had made a connection. "Eugene, I think I know who you're talking about."


"Ever see the 'Phantasm' movies?"

"No, I can't say I have," Eugene said, a little bewildered. "Why?"

"It began in the movies, and now it appears the story has come to life. This 'Tall Man' has allegedly murdered people in Morningside for some time," Jessica continued. "He uses these strange spheres with extendable twin blades that lock to a person's forehead, then the drill on board goes through the skull and sends their blood spurting out the other end of the sphere. As a result, the victim is drained of their vital fluids and they die."

Eugene cringed. "That's a violent way to go."

"Yeah," said Jessica. "But this young man who's being stalked apparently needs our help. We'll go see my father about assigning us to the project." Together she and her husband walked down the hall together to Captain Peter Lassard's office.

"Captain Lassard, sir," Jessica said as she and Eugene stepped inside. "We need you to assign us to the Morningside case. Sergeant Tackleberry and I may be the only hope for a boy named Mike who's being stalked by this 'Tall Man'. I respectfully ask you consider my request and assign us to the case."

"Jessica, it's not often that I turn down a request from you," Captain Lassard said. "But I can't have you go on such a dangerous mission." Captain Harris, who was standing behind her listening in on them, decided to make his presence known. Jessica and Eugene glared at him and rolled their eyes behind his back as he strolled in past them.

"The reason why Captain Lassard doesn't want you to go," he said, his voice dripping with sweet smugness, "is because he can't bear to see his daughter become a victim of some psychotic tall man who kills anyone and everyone, especially vulnerable young ladies." He turned on his heel to face her, standing in front of Captain Lassard's desk. Captain Harris's face was plastered with a smirk so cruel and self-satisfying Jessica had to restrain herself from lashing out at him in anger.

"I'm afraid.Captain Harris is right," Jessica's father said. "It's too risky for you to take on this 'Tall Man'. This is one time when I feel I have to refuse your request."

"Sir, I would go with Jessica," Tackleberry protested as he stepped forward. "I'd be there to keep her safe. She wouldn't be alone on the case."

"Eugene, I'm still not sure I should let you two go by yourselves," Captain Lassard said. "Perhaps I should send some other officers instead." The motorcycle officer facing Peter pulled out his silver handgun-the one with the long barrel-in a flash.

"Sir, I demand that you give us the case!" he barked. "If you refuse Jessica's request, I'll be forced to do some heavy damage to this office in retaliation!" Both Peter Lassard and Thaddeus Harris backed away, hands in the air. Eugene's wife intervened, stepping forward and calmly pushing the revolver down so it pointed to the floor.

"Eugene and myself will take it on, whether you send other officers or not," Jessica replied firmly, holding her ground. "This boy needs our help. If we don't offer assistance, who will?" Her gaze never wavered, eyes locked with her father's. Eventually, Peter sighed in resignation; he knew his daughter all too well and understood that she would not give up easily if she wanted something. She would fight in whatever way possible until she got what she was after.

"Alright, Jessica," he said in defeat. "You win. You and Sergeant Tackleberry are assigned to the case, but I'm still standing by my order that other officers will go with you."

"Good enough," Jessica said with a nod, then, shooting a cold glance at Harris, "I'll start reading up on the situation immediately." With that, she sharply about-faced and strode out, Eugene following behind. As they made their way down the hall back to Jessica's office, the two began to discuss the case at hand.

"What I can't understand is why would the Tall Man go about killing all these innocent people?" Eugene asked.

"It's simple," his wife replied. "Essentially, death is his trade. The longer he continues taking the ones Mike loves, the longer he'll exist and carry on his work. This boy created him from nightmares after his brother, Jody, died, and now his illusion has taken on reality."

"How will we know what he looks like?" the taller officer asked as they stepped inside the office where Jess worked. Jessica sat down at her desk and opened up her laptop.

"I'm doing a background check now on the Tall Man," she replied. After some typing and clicking, she came up with just what she needed. "Bingo."

"You found it?"

"Come here." Jessica waved Eugene to the other side of the desk. He hurried around and leaned down next to her to check the information on the screen. "We have a match. Let me write down some distinguishing features about him, just so we can remember." She grabbed a pen and a notebook and began to scribble frantically.

"Very tall, about six foot six.receding hairline with longish gray hair.tends to squint one eye in a sinister manner.dark suit.wrinkles in face." Her husband watched intently with a wide-eyed expression like a child, so curious was he to find out more on the Tall Man. Once she finished writing notes to describe their suspect physically, she went on to location cues that would help them find him. "Located in Morningside, outside of Los of work, Morningside Mortuary." Finally, she moved on to the last item about the Tall Man: his instruments of death.

"According to this profile of our guy, and from what I told you earlier, it seems I was correct," Jessica said. She clicked on a picture and blew it up so it appeared larger; it was a photo of one of the balls that she had described earlier.

"So that's it. That's what one of the spheres with the killer drill looks like," Eugene breathed, muted shock on his face. "Those things are deadly."

"Yeah," Jessica replied. She had to suppress a shudder, because looking at the blades and drill extended from the silver chrome floating sphere made her think that this could be one of the most horrifying (and disgusting) ways to die. Screaming in agony with one's blood streaming out of their forehead, and-

"Jess? You okay?" The voice of her husband interrupted Lieutenant Tackleberry's thoughts. She shook her head quickly to clear her mental fog.

"Oh! Yeah, I'm fine," she said. "It just makes my stomach turn somewhat to think about.that." Jessica pointed to the photo of the softball-sized metallic ball.

"The key to slowing to a crawl the rate of deaths by these spheres," she continued, "is figuring out a way to disable them." At this, Eugene pulled out his handgun.

"I'm sure striking it in the right spot with a bullet will knock them out," he said confidently as he loaded new bullets into the weapon. Jessica shook her head.

"Hate to burst your bubble, dear. These are small but efficient killing machines," she answered flatly. "They're very technologically advanced. Their on-board electronic circuitry is highly intricate; the body's made of chromium steel-which is ultra-strong-so bullets'll only bounce right off them; and disarming them is next to impossible. It's mainly because of their metal exterior that getting to either the wiring or the weapons, or both, is extremely difficult. That's why these spheres are virtually unstoppable." When she finished, Jessica turned to face her husband, face grim.

"We've definitely got our work cut out for us, then," the slightly older Tackleberry said, taking a deep breath and releasing it, trying to keep his normally-strong stomach from reeling. Both gathered up the paperwork for the case, and Jessica put it back in the file folder. She returned the folder to the file cabinet and began to pick up her gear. When she finished, Tackleberry's spouse walked out of her office.

"Hey, Jess! Where do you think you're going?" asked Eugene. She stopped and turned around.

"I'm getting ready to head to Morningside as soon as possible," she called back. "You should get your things, too. Now come on, we have to round up the rest of the crew!" With a laugh, she made her way to the door and outside, her husband jogging to catch up.