A/N:  Just a quickie…still working on For All We Know along with LilacRose, and we're trying very hard to get something out for you guys, but Puck just had to inspire me to this one.  I hope you guys enjoy it…oh, and go and download Celine Dion's "I Don't Know"  It's what inspired me to write the fic and I really think you'll benefit by having it playing in the background as you read the fic! 

Summary:  A one-shot, Kagome point of view song-fic.  What does Kagome really think about all the changes that have gone in her life? 

I Don't Know

By: Emania

I stared at my reflection in the clear, mirror like surface below me.  Gravity pushed my hair over my shoulder and I pushed it back, wanting to look only at the contours of my face.  I turned my face this way and that, trying to find something in the reflection…some physical evidence of what I felt inside, but I could find none. 

I could see the subtle changes in my face…it was thinner, slightly more elongated, the cheeks fuller, some of the baby fat was gone from my face, I knew that.  My neck seemed longer and I certainly felt the changes in the rest of my body.  I could see the slight swell beneath my blouse that I hadn't noticed before and I had needed to buy a smaller size for my waist this last time, but the change that had occurred within me showed no evidence in my reflection.  I shifted my face, leaning in a little.  Except there…I held my hair away from the water with one hand to better inspect myself…there, in the reflection of my eyes. 

~A mountain of stone / A door of steel / Can stand in my way / I go on~

I noticed a slight hardness there where there had only been innocence before.  They had seen death, these eyes…they had watched as blood bathed the land…and they had shed rivers of tears in vain…and still, I go on… 

~Brutal machines / Unbending laws / Can slow me down / I go on~

I felt for the scar under my left ribcage, tracing the familiar edge of it with my hands.  That had only been the first of many scars, the largest, granted, but my skin was no longer pure from marks…a smaller scar on my knee, a scratch on my arm, and…I reached up and touched my shoulder through the material of my uniform…a larger one on my shoulder…each one was a lesson I had learned, each one had slowed me down, ingrained another message into my soul as permanently as it had scarred my flesh…and still, I go on…

~I've learned how to deal / And when to fight / I know what's real / I know what's right~

The image of my hands caught my attention in the reflection below me and I inspected them through the objectiveness of the reflection.  They looked alien, as if I were looking at some strangers hands, not my own.  They too had changed.  I had felt blood stain them, blood so red I had thought the stain would never wash off, just as surely as I had felt them press the life into a wounded man, soothed a fevered brow and washed a wound.  These hands knew what it was to heal and to fight.  My fingers, elongated now from the last time I looked, surely, had born calluses from pulling on the string of a bow…

~I'm not afraid / The wounded dove / I can be tender / In a world so tough~

I have been through battles, seen countless amounts of blood shed and buried innocents…so many innocents that I could no longer remember their faces no matter how much I had tried to burn their faces into my memory.  And that had taken its toll on my face as well, the nearly imperceptible lines along my eyes told the story of the horrors I had seen.  I touched my lips as if I were inspecting them for the first time…these lips that had shouted arguments and warning, had chanted prayers over the bodies of those innocents…and still, it amazes me still, I can laugh.

~I'm sure I could face / The bitter cold / But life without you / I don't know~

How long had it been now?  It seemed like a lifetime ago, longer even than the span of time from my home to this land, much longer than years could ever count.  I had grown up, the life I left behind on my fifteenth birthday seemed like eons ago, a different life…where was the girl who I had been?  So unsure of her path in life?  So unsure of her strength?  I had left her behind somewhere in the middle of all this.  I have faced so much and survived, remained strong, that I knew I could face anything…

Except…I pressed my hand against my heart and watch as my eyes contort in pain…how could I face life without him?  He has become such a part of my life, such a part of my strength, my heart…

~The winds of the heart / Can blow me down / But I get right up / And I stand my ground~

Regardless of how many times our enemies might knock me down, I know that so long as my friends need me, I will get back up, face it all again…but at the thought of losing him, of having to spend one day being forced away from him…

~I faced the fear / No show of pain / The wasted tears / Of love in vain~

It seemed like forever ago I had shaken in fear as I faced a corpse re-animated by a crow demon, but I had stood my ground even then, hadn't I?  That all encompassing fear that I had once felt for nearly all aspects of my life outside of my everyday routine had left me.  The tears I had cried for childish things had dried away, I have even faced the lesson that not all pure love was always requited…

~I've held you tight / Pushed you away / But with all my might / I beg you to stay~

Perhaps it isn't right that I asked to stay with him.  I look at my arms in the reflection, they too had changed since I started this journey, the practice with the bow and arrow making the muscles slightly more defined, the skin taut and slightly brown from the sun it was exposed to…these arms that have held him close, that have felt his muscles move under his skin and somehow, managed to let him go… 

~I'm sure I could face / The bitter cold / But life without you…/ I don't know…~

How often had I thought I had touched him for the last time?  How many times had I let him go only to think I might never get a chance to hold him again?  I know I could happily face the deepest cold of winter, the darkest pitch of night if it meant never having to contemplate life without him, a time when we'd have to say goodbye…

~I know what I want / I know what I feel / There's just one thing / I must believe~

I close my eyes and feel his presence near.  He was probably wondering where I've been so long, but he wasn't approaching.  There's no denying what I want, I've known that for quite a while now and certainly no denying what I feel.  I love him deeper than I love my very life, despite the fact that he cannot feel the same for me.  I open my eyes and see my reflection again.  I let my eyes glaze over a little, blurring the edges of my vision.  Yes, I know I look like Kikyo now more than ever, but I also know that he probably won't ever love me for what I am, but there's one thing of which I can be sure…

~Deep in the night / By a dying flame / You will be there / When I call your name~

I reach out with my senses and feel his eyes on me.  He was wondering what I was doing, his presence calming and reassuring even if he was confused, he was certain in his need to protect me, certain in his knowledge that he'd fight for me.  You'll always be there, won't you, Inuyasha? I ask him silently.  I will always believe that you'll be there should I call your name, just like you wait now, and for now, that belief, the warm feel of your presence watching out for me even in the darkest night…that's enough…

~I'm sure I could face / The bitter cold / But life without you…~

It must be enough, because even though I know these eyes won't show fear in the deep night anymore and these hands will know when to heal and these fingers won't hesitate to let go the arrow, even though these legs are strong and will stand their ground, and these arms can protect, life without you…

~I don't know…~

+~+~

A/N:  Okay, folks, this was kinda a quickie late night rambling kinda thing which Puck just had to get out…I think he's addicted to getting reviews from you guys and hearing about how good he is!  Not that I don't appreciate you guys just as much, but there you go.  I was kinda hoping to post something fun, but this came out instead!  I hope you guys downloaded the song to read it!  It's a great Celine Dion song and the rhythm of it goes so well with the mood of the piece! 

I hope to hear from you guys again!  ^_~.  (AKA: Please review this, too!)