CHAPTER TWO - MONKEYS + PANTS = MONEY

A large Ha'lot demon stood next to another Ha'lot demon and said, "You know, we haven't tried to destroy all of humanity lately, have we?"

The other Ha'lot demon thought about this for moment then answer. "You're right, we haven't. But you know how the wife feels about me destroying all of humanity."

"Jesus Christ, man! You're a bloody Ha'lot demon!"

"I don't see you destroying all of humanity either."

"Well, maybe it is about time we tried again. After all we Ha'lot demons can kill men by just looking at them and then putting an axe in their head. We were once universally feared throughout the known world. Hell, now we're not even feared in our own household. Well, enough is enough. The time of the Ha'lot demons has come again. Once more we shall daze upon a scene of utter destruction and mass slaughter and say in satisfied tones that we did that! It is time for us to destroy all of humanity!"

"Do you think we'll be able to do it before teatime?"

"I doubt it. Mass slaughter takes much longer than it used too."

"I better go write the wife a note then. You know, so she doesn't worry."

"Go idea."

The two Ha'lot demons went off to write their wives notes and to prepare for the utter and complete destroy of all humanity and the Earth, as we know it.

Back in Sunnydale it was the morning after the night before and Buffy was nuking a slice of pizza when Xander entered the kitchen. He looked at the microwave, looked at Buffy, back at the microwave and then back to Buffy. She moved to speak but stopped herself when Xander looked back at the microwave. After about five seconds or so he once again returned his gaze to Buffy.

"It's not what it looks like." She protested.

Xander paused as if about to say something then turned once again to look at the microwave.

"Stop that!" Shouted Buffy.

"Sorry." He said apologising. Then after a few seconds more his features changed into ones of revelation. "Wait a minute." He said with a tinge of shock in his voice. "You're eating pizza."

Buffy tried to be nonchalant, "So?"

"We finished the pizza last night."

"Yeah, well, obviously we didn't."

"No, we did. I spent half an hour looking for more pizza and didn't find any."

"Oh. So that's what you were doing. We thought you had gone to the toilet and had a little 'difficulty'."

"I did. Well, not the difficulty part."

"But you just said you were looking for pizza."

"I was."

"But that means.Xander! You think I keep pizza in my bathroom? That is so gross."

"What? I know people who keep pizza in their bathroom."

"Who?"

"Me."

"Gross!"|

"What? I get hungry while I'm."

Buffy sharply interrupted him. "Yes, thank you. But I'm trying really hard not to form a mental picture."

"This is just distracting us from my original point that you are eating pizza when there was no pizza left. That means," Xander did his best Colombo impersonation. "That you hid a further slice of pizza in a deliberate attempt to ensure you had some pizza to eat in the morning."

"All right, fine! I hid pizza. I did it. I'm guilty as charged. I broke your precious takeaway pizza rules. What you going do about it?"

"I suppose I'm going to have to eat your slice of pizza as punishment." Xander slowly moved his hand towards the now finished microwave but hesitated when he saw the 'touch-that-and-you-die' look on Buffy's face. "Or maybe you've learned your lesson and I won't have to punish you."

Buffy smiled, reached towards the microwave, picked up the slice of pizza, and took a bite. "So, what are you doing over here so early in the morning?"

"The usual."

Buffy nodded then moved away from the cupboard, which she leaning against. Xander opened the cupboard, pulled out a box of Lucky Charms, poured himself a bowl, added milk, and then proceeded to spoon the cereal into his mouth. Between spoonfuls he said, "You know, we haven't faced a big bad in quite a while."

"No." Said Buffy, taking another bite of the pizza slice. "We haven't."

"Isn't that a little unusual?"

"Probably."

"Should we be worried?"

"Maybe."

"Should I stop tempting fate?"

"Definitely." Buffy said smiling.

There now fell a comfortable silence broken only by the chewing of an Irish themed breakfast cereal and a reheated, slightly soggy, slice of tomato and cheese flavoured bread.

Back in the demon land known only as Q3, because that was the only name everyone didn't disagree about, our two large Ha'lot demons gathered by an oak tree. The first large Ha'lot demon, named Quadra, gestures to the second large Ha'lot demon, named Ba.

Ba does not understand the gesture. "I do not understand the gesture." He says.

"It meant come over here." Explained Quadra.

"Oh. It didn't look like the 'come over here' gesture."

"All right. What does this gesture mean?"

Quadra then made a gesture with his hands.

"That means you're going to hit me in the head."

Quadra then hit Ba in the head.

"Now," Said Quadra, "Is everything organised?"

"Yes." Answered Ba. "Everything is organised."

"What about the weapons? Are they organised?"

"Yes, the weapons are organised."

"The accommodation?"

"Everything is organised."

"The after destruction party?"

"Everything is organised!"

"Oh, right." Quadra turned towards the oak tree, hesitated, then turned back to Ba. "What about the hordes of demonic minions? Are they organised?"

"Everything is organised!" Shouted a very frustrated Ba.

"Oh, right. Repeated Quadra. He then turned back to the oak tree and waited. He waited, waited again, the waited some more, then he stopped waiting. "When is this tree going to change into the inter-dimensional portal?"

A look of horror crept across Ba's face. "Ah." He said. "About the tree."

Quadra cut him off with the 'shut up' gesture. "You didn't organise the inter-dimensional portal, did you?"

Ba's eyes feel to the ground, not literally though. It was more of a metaphorical kind of thing. Obviously it was a particularly evil metaphorical kind of thing being that Ba is an evil Ha'lot demon and this is the evil demon land known only as Q3. However it still was just a metaphorical kind of thing and not literal in any way, shape or form. "No." He said with a voice full of shame.

"Never mind." Said Quadra. He then proceeded to remove branches from the tree. "I learned this trick from a conjuring freelot." After the careful removal of eight branches the tree began to glow. Soon the glow turned into a bright light that shone around the tree. Then in a bright flash of light the tree vanished to be replaced by an inter-dimensional portal. Quadra smiled, "So, the time of the Ha'lot demons has finally arrived. Complete and utter destruction of humanity here we come."

Both Quadra and Ba tried to enter the portal at the same time. They're rather large shoulders meet at the entrance. "I'm sorry." Said Quadra. "After you." He gestured towards the portal.

"No." Replied Ba. "I insist." He also gestured towards the portal.

Quadra make the 'thank you' gesture then walked into the portal. Ba followed him. As the light engulfed them Ba turned to Quadra and said, "You know, I think I left the oven on." Then they were gone.