The Essential Guide to Star Wars Sues.
Original Guide by Feana Puddlefoot.
This Guide by That Crazy Person with a Pen.
Mary-Sue. She is found swarming around fanfiction, sucking up every natural resource that fandom has to offer and in turn discarding any pieces of canon she finds unnecessary. One must always be wary of Mary-Sue. She lurks in the corner ready to strike a character. Under her gaze Qui-Gon becomes a father figure; Obi-Wan a caring brother and Anakin a love interest. Yoda admires her, for she is more wise in the force than he, and Padme wonders 'how she can be so much more beautiful than me?' If you are wondering too, then read on...
The Forms of Sues
Description: "Her lightsaber flashed, astounding Qui-Gon", "She was more agile than Master Yoda", "Anakin startled at how quickly she had beat him into the ground!".
Personality: She doesn't have one. She is just there; beats Anakin; beats Sith; gets boinked; the end.
Weapons: Lightsaber, normally with a silver or gold blade. Blue, green and purple are too basic for the Jedi Sue. Henceforth she must inherit a silver lightsaber with a hilt of diamond from her mother. I must take a moment to puke.
Special Abilities: The Force obviously, making Yoda look as if he has a terminal lack of force powers. Occasionally this will include her having force lightning, a dark side power or a completely new force power.
Love interests? Anakin, Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon. If they are from the New Republic, Luke (Mara Jade? Who is she then?).
Is she going to die? Fifty-fifty chance here. Nn the one hand she may die in a tragic battle with Darth Whoever. On the other hand she may just be tragically injured, and have to be ... nursed back to health.
How common is she? Very, very common.
Description: "She looked good in a helmet and orange jumpsuit" , "Her A-Wing/X-Wing/Non-Existant Z-Wing swerved round, ahead of the fleet and shot, destroying the TIE fighter/ Imperial Star Destroyer/Death Star", "She hugged the droid, 'I could have done it without ya, R4-D4 and C6-PO!'". Yes, you read those right.
Personality: She has a particularly fiery spirit and is always enthusiastic about anything and everything... damn her.
Weapons: Hand Blaster, unless of course she is force sensitive in which case she will somehow have a lightsaber... they are always force sensitive.
Special Abilities: Being able to fly like an ace; destroy three Death Stars (But I thought there were two?) and despite annoying everyone in the general area, get somebody to do something that isn't flying in her ship... like having lunch.
Love interests? Lando Calrissian, Wedge Antilles, Luke Skywalker are all suckers for her.
Is she going to die? No, not a chance in hell.
How common is she? As common as the common cold. She is everywhere with her ...uh... "sweet infectious enthusiasm".
Description: "She was dressed in rags, with dirt on her face, but Luke still found her very beautiful" , "Somehow, she had gained access to a lightsaber, a ship, a blaster and a switchblade while she was on the forest moon of Endor/Abandoned Streets of Coruscant".
Age: 17-22 ... deja vu anyone?
Personality: Shy and skittish for chapter one; acting like an alien for chapter two; completely normal for chapter three; angry and scornful in chapter four; forgiving in chapter five and finally without a personality for chapter six. She remains like that for the rest of the story, occasionally being shocked. If only I meant that literally.
Weapons: Lightsaber, Blaster, Switchblade, just mix and match those three weapons: Switchsaber! Lightblaster! Blastblade!
Special Abilities: Having a personality change every chapter and gaining possesion of things she really shouldn't have. For all you perverts out there I mean a lightsaber. No, I don't mean a lightsaber like that!
Love interests: Anyone.
Is she going to die? Yes.
How common is she? Fairly common.
Description: "She was dressed in a sleek black catsuit", "She performed acrobatic leaps, her lightsaber/lightsaber claws/lightning encased fists twirling" "Her foot landed in Anakin's (insert body part of your choice) and she rammed her weapon into his chest. Anakin groaned and collapsed, dead".
Age: Well, normally, she has been awoken from a Sith Temple on Yavin so about 5000 years old, but she looks 17-22!
Personality: She normally starts out evil, and maybe kills a few skilled Jedi, but eventually she turns to the light side and everyone forgives her. Aww.
Weapons She can have either a lightsaber, energy claws or force lightning. Sometimes she has two or three.
Special Abilities: Being forgiven for being a complete prat, killing people, and making sudden changes of affiliation.
Love Interests: Any hot jedi/sith, she often finds excuses for... how do I put this delicately? ..."fraternizing" with Jedi by being ordered by her master (if she has one) to seduce them.
Is she going to die 70% chance that she will die in a tragically noble battle against her former sith partner.
How common is she? Even more common than the Pilot Sue. And that is saying something, considering that you can't shake a stick in the Star Wars section without hitting a Pilot Sue.
Description: "She wasn't beautiful, but she was averagely pretty", "She was the most beautiful thing Luke had ever seen" , "'But Star Wars is just a film!' She cried. 'No Sue, Corellia is your natural home,' nodded Luke. 'The prophecy foretold your return'".
Age: Well she starts off as 13-14 but after a few months she ages into a young woman. How else would they get smut with Luke/Lando/Chewbacca?
Personality: She is one extreme or the other, she is either more bubbly than a Jacuzzi (think Jar Jar Binks) or suicidal and tragically depressed.
Weapons: Well of course she will start off with no weapons, but she will gain possesion of a ... wait for it ... lightsaber!
Special Abilities: There is a prophecy made about her; she can learn how to use a lightsaber without the slightest difficulty and she can make characters act completely OOC: think Luke listening to rock music. Think Chewie in mood trousers. Think Wedge rapping. And last but not least she can sell any - I mean ANY thing - songs and religion are the most common.
Love Interests: Luke; Lando; Wedge; Han; Anakin II (Han and Leia's son) any other children of Luke; Han; Leia; Wedge or a certain Wookie who shall remain unnamed (Chewbacca).
Is she going to die? The day she dies is the day a flying pig walks on the frozen remains of hell, under a blue moon. She will however, tragically have to return to her own world and through some new technology close the portal - but don't worry - SueTech is so unreliable it will open again for a sequel!
How common is she? Sadly, she is very common. I know. Cry me a river and build me a bridge.
In the next chapter, I will look at the amazing special powers Sue
possesses. Till then, if you see a Sue, run as fast as gravity will allow
you, get a box of matches and run back.
Many thanks to:
Feana Puddlefoot for allowing me to use her idea and format and inspiring me to write this with her original Guide to Mary-Sues: "The Essential Guide to Mary-Sue".
My ever faithful beta reader Hayley.
You, for reading this. Yep, that's my way of flattering you into reviewing.