Note: I have taken a frightfully long time to update, but do not fear, the third chapter is here of…
Additional note: You may wish to skip the Game Suckers if you have not played the games. Or if you are playing the game, it contains spoilers.
The Essential Guide to Star Wars Sue
By Imaginary Friend
Original concept by Feana Puddlefoot.
Chapter II: Le Suckers
Mary-Sue is the object of attention of many a character in Star Wars, naturally, she must pick one to do unspeakable things to. Most things Mary-Sue does are unspeakable anyway, but these things are REALLY unspeakable. The people who fall for Mary-Sue are scientifically known as "Suckers".
Jedi Sucker #1- Obi-Wan-Kenobi
Yes Obi-Wan is a sucker, the poor guy is warped so many times that is surprising he hasn't gone completely bonkers. Of course, Alec Guinness/Obi-Wan doesn't exist (grrr) only young Ewan McGregor/ Obi-Wan.
Who does he fall in love with? Jedi Sue, Orphan Sue, Sith Sue and the occasional Pilot Sue.
Does it work out? I'm afraid not my friends, unfortunately (I use the term loosely) Mary-Sue and Obi-Wan do not work out; Mary-Sue sacrifices herself desperately to save him from Darth Maul.
I personally don't see the attraction (Probably because my father is virtually identical to him in both looks and personality) but Qui-Gon is frequently known for stripping off Mary-Sue's robe and having wild romps in an abandoned closet of Yoda's room (Ye gods, did I say that out loud?). Of course, Qui-Gon doesn't die, he is instead seriously injured. Mace Windu and Yoda made a serious mistake cremating him then.
Who does he fall in love with? Jedi Sue or Orphan Sue
Does it work out? Yes, it works out, and it is fantastic. I'm sorry did my sarcasm drip on you?
Jedi Sucker #3- Luke Skywalker
Luke, the poor farm boy. We must wonder whether he gets together before or after he married?
Who does he fall in love with? Jedi Sue, Orphan Sue, but most commonly Pilot Sue.
Does it work out? Yes they live happily ever after and Mara Jade just goes and has fun not existing.
Sith Sucker- Darth Maul
Yes we find that Darth Maul, for some strange reason is no longer Zabrak! No! Now he is human and just has a slight fetish for spikes on his head and tattoos! Call it his way of rebelling. And if this isn't bad enough, Sidious is playing matchmaker! Bloody matchmaker! And no, it's not a humour fic.
Who does he fall in love with? Sith Sue (With Sidious setting up a blind date scheme) Jedi Sue (With Sidious setting up a blind date scheme) or Orphan Sue (With Sidious setting up a blind date scheme) I'm sensing a pattern here.
Does it work out? Yes
Pilot Sucker- Wedge Antilles
Wedge is very much sued, even more than Luke! Maybe it's the accent, maybe it's the X-Wing, maybe the Sues just ran out of people to sue and had to turn to him. But now poor Wedge can't even attack a Superstar Destroyer without some fangirl hurling themselves on his windscreen.
Who does he fall in love with? Pilot Sue, always Pilot Sue.
Does it work out? Again, yes and we must weep.
Game Sucker #1- Carth Onasi
Games are not untouched by the plague of the Sues and thus game characters are frequently sued almost as much as film characters. Carth Onasi is from the game Knights of the Old Republic and is probably the only character from it that is unfortunate enough to be sued. Never mind that he is a widower with a lost child and *sigh* dreamy eyes *corrects self and clears throat*no, the sues do not care about…what do you call them? Oh yeah, important plot elements.
Who does he fall in love with? Jedi Sue, Orphan Sue, Pilot Sue but never Sith Sue it seems.
Does it work out? Always.
Game Sucker #2- Rosh Penin
From the Jedi Knight: Jedi Academy games we bring you Rosh Penin! I personally don't see the attraction, he is completely ugly and bounces around like nobody's business, oh yeah and theres the minute fact that he turns to the dark side!
Who does he fall in love with? A Jedi Sue, going under the name of Jaden Korr (These games make it far too easy for Sues)
Does it work out? I hear wedding bells ringing in the distance.
How can they be cured?
Well, a couple of swift bangs to the head might do it, but there really is no way to free a character from the Sue's evil web, so we must sit by and watch them be warped out of recognition and do our best to prepare people and to mock the sue.
That's all for this instalment. In the next chapter, I will be writing about Mary-Sue's parents, and how crazed they must have been. So until then, work on terminator robots to destroy the Sues.