TITLE: Doctor's Orders

AUTHOR: Feli

EMAIL: author@sg1-place.de CATEGORY: Humor RATING: PG SUMMARY: You mean like summary of the plot? There is no plot, just an excuse to get the boys in the shower STATUS: Complete

DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The situations and original story are the property of the author. Not to be archived without permission of the author.

AUTHOR'S NOTES I: This one's for Merlie! Cause she asked. AUTHOR'S NOTES II: Betaed by the usual suspect - Kat. (((((Thank you)))))

"Everything looks alright, nothing more I can do at the moment," Janet declared as she closed Daniel's patient folder and stuck it back in its place at the foot end of his bed. She clipped her pen onto the pocket of her coat and with a smile at the archeologist turned to leave.

"Janet!" Daniel whined, carefully raising himself into a half-sitting position. "What about my shower?"

The petite doctor sighed. They had played this game for three days now; every time she tried to leave the room Daniel would call her back with his request for a shower. And she'd really hoped she could escape this time! Resolutely Janet turned back to her patient.

"Daniel, we've talked about this. First of all I don't want your stitches to get wet, we really can't risk another infection right now. Secondly, you're still too weak to be in the shower by yourself."

Her voice softened as she saw the morose expression on his face. Reaching out, she patted his shoulder. "I'm sorry, Daniel, but you just have to give it some time. You took a pretty bad fall on that planet."

"Yeah right," he snorted. "A pretty bad fall into a stack of yak dung. Couldn't you at least have helped me get clean before you stitched my leg back up?"

Janet grinned evilly down at him. "You do know that I have nurses volunteering for double and even triple shifts, just so they'll be here when you finally agree to the sponge bath I'd let you have."

"Which is exactly why I don't want the sponge bath," he scowled. "I'm not letting your nurses near me."

Janet's grin turned impish. "So who would you let give you a sponge bath?"

"No one," he growled, blushing slightly.

Just as Janet decided that it was a good look for him, he made another attempt, complete with pout and shiny blue eyes. "Janet, pleeeaase. I stink!"

"That you do," she admitted involuntarily.

"Okay," Janet concluded the ongoing battle between her and Daniel, "I'll let you have your shower - *if* you find someone who'll help you with it!"

Daniel's elation was tinged with wariness. "What do you mean with 'help me'?"

"It means that someone will go under the shower with you. Someone who can support you and who will make sure that none of the stitches get wet."

"Noooo," Daniel groaned. "I am *not* getting under the shower with Jack again!"

"Teal'c then," Janet suggested with a smirk. "Granted, the infirmary shower is pretty small but I'm sure the two of you will fit in - snugly..."

"Janet!" Daniel tried again but was cut off with a wave of her hand.

"A sponge bath with Nurse Bigovic or a shower with Jack. Your choice."

Just then the object of their discussion entered the infirmary with his customary swagger.

"Hey, Janet," he greeted the doctor, "how's Yak-Boy doing today?"

Daniel glared at his team leader. The yak joke was getting really old really fast, but Jack didn't seem to think so. He grabbed the back of a chair and drew it closer to the bed, then, settling down, he sniffed pointedly. "Bet you can't wait for that sponge bath from Nurse Bigovic by now, huh, Danny?"

"Actually, Jack," Daniel drawled, "Janet and I were just discussing my taking a shower."

"Hey, really? That's good," Jack beamed. "You'll sure enjoy that a whole lot more than a sponge bath. And I don't mind telling you that it's high time you got rid of that rancid smell!"

Daniel gave his friend a beatific smile. "I'm glad you see it that way, Jack."

Behind the colonel Janet sniggered, prompting Jack to narrow his eyes suspiciously. He looked from Daniel to the doctor, then back at the archeologist. "Okay," he said slowly, "what have the two of you planned? And why do I get the feeling I won't like it?"

Janet stared back at him, her expression a study of innocence. "I agree that a shower would do Daniel a world of good. However, he's still too weak to manage on his own." She paused meaningfully. "Now I do have several nurses willing to help out, of course..."

Jack turned incredulous eyes on Daniel. "And you're alright with this? Remember what that scare.. ." At the last moment Jack remembered where he was and lowered his voice to an agitated whisper. "Remember how that nurse," he flapped his hand wildly, trying to come up with the right word, "*harassed* me at the last Valentine Party?"

The remaining two members of SG-1 entered the room just as Jack mentioned the infamous incident a couple of months ago and immediately caught on to the conversation. Consequently the colonel saw himself faced with four fondly reminiscing smiles.

"Hey, Daniel!" "Daniel Jackson!" Sam and Teal'c then greeted their teammate simultaneously.

"What's going on?" Sam asked.

"Jack's just trying to convince me that I should take a shower with him instead of one of the nurses. And I think he's right."

"Wha..what? I wasn't...I mean, I didn't..." Jack stared at his friend speechlessly.

"But Jack," Daniel continued calmly, only a twinkle in his eyes revealing the fun he was having teasing his CO, "none of the nurses is strong enough to support me with one hand."

"Why only one hand? Where's the other one?" Jack asked with more than a slight hint of panic.

"Jack, I can't bend down and wash myself with this leg, now, can I?" Daniel pointed to his thickly bandaged limb.

Janet, who so far had enjoyed watching Daniel drive the confused colonel crazy, decided to interfere.

"I'll make it an order if it makes you feel better, colonel."

WHAT?" Jack spluttered. "You can't do that!"

"In medical matters Dr. Frasier outranks you, O'Neill," Teal'c informed him solemnly, unperturbed by the glare Jack sent his way. Next to Teal'c Sam couldn't help a snicker escaping her lips. "Come on, sir," she prodded, "it's been weeks since you and Daniel were wet and almost naked together..."

"Sam!" "Carter!" the two men burst out indignantly.

Unperturbed Sam turned to Janet. "Speaking of which, Carla and Jane asked if they could have a copy of that tape as well."

While Teal'c moved his left eyebrow into the 'I'm delirious with laughter' position and Janet let out a peal of laughter as well, Daniel was stunned into shocked silence. The thought of the tape Sam had shot of him, Jack and the butterfly net being passed around the SGC was too embarrassing for words. Beside him Jack frantically tried to gulp in some air.

"You...you, ah...you kept that tape?" he wheezed.

"No, sir, I didn't; I was just joking," Sam assured her CO straight-faced. Too straight-faced. Jack just stared at her...and stared...and stared. Suddenly a grin spread across his face.

"Good! Because if you weren't I'd feel obliged to bring up the issue of that...ahem, *unfortunate incident* on 39Y - you know, you, the guy in the loincloth, that purple fruit...and the new digital snap-shot camera I tested..."

This time it was Daniel's turn to let out a gleeful snort. Raising himself up on his elbows once more, he gifted his friends with a odorous whiff of yak dung, reminding everyone of the original topic of their conversation.

With a theatrical sigh Jack relented. "Okay, Daniel, let's do this. But I want to at least wear some swimming trunks, I'm not going in there naked!"

Janet nodded. "We'll try to find some. But you should do this quickly now, the medication I gave Daniel earlier will make him tired pretty soon."

-----------------

Solicitously Jack helped his injured teammate hobble towards the infirmary shower stall and settled him on a stool in front of it.

"Can you get out of this thing on your own, while I go put on this meager excuse for bathing trunks?" he asked, gloomily holding up the straps of silky black material Janet had assured him were men's swimming attire.

Daniel looked distractedly down at his hospital gown. "Yeah, sure. Just hurry up, okay."

Mere minutes, but long and inventive curses later, Jack returned. Daniel glanced up from where he'd been sitting hunched on the stool, and nearly fell off of it. "Jack! You, ah...you look...mwuahaa.. . And why are you walking like a duck on double-jointed legs?"

"I am so gonna kill that Napoleonic power monger when this is over," Jack groused, along with several more colorful expletives. "Not only are these alleged swimming trunks risqué, they're two sizes too small!"

Grinning like a fiend, Daniel got up on wobbly legs and leaned against the stall door, while Jack turned on the water inside and adjusted the temperature. Stepping inside he then helped Daniel hop in on his healthy leg. After some shuffling around the two men arranged themselves in the stall.

Daniel stemmed his leg against the opposite rim of the shower base and leaned his back against the wall, leaving his injured leg outside to rest on the stool. Jack stood ramrod straight in-between Daniel's outstretched legs with almost no room to move within the narrow confines of the shower.

"Okay, here you go," Jack said as he handed the archeologist his shampoo. "Surely you can do that by yourself?"

Daniel shot his friend an embarrassed look. "Actually, uhm, my shoulders are still kind of stiff and I can't really lift my arms. Would you mind...?"

"Oh, alright," Jack grumbled. "Just don't tell anyone."

"Believe me, I wasn't going to!"

While Jack worked the shampoo into his hair, Daniel grabbed the shower gel and began to soap his arms and chest. He wanted to get this shower over with as quickly as possible, and soaping his upper body was at least something he could do himself.

"Stop that, will ya!"

Startled Daniel looked up. "What?"

"That."

"What?"

"That!" Jack exclaimed, flapping his hand in the general direction of Daniel's chest.

For a minute Daniel eyed his chest thoughtfully. "You want me to stop breathing?"

"What?" Jack stared incredulously at the archeologist. "Of course not."

Silence descended as the two men looked confusedly at each other. Experimentally Daniel took another deep breath and when Jack didn't complain, he tried again. "So, uh, what exactly do you want me to stop with?"

"Soaping up your chest."

"Oh!"

"Yes. So, can we get this over with now?" Jack asked sarcastically and reached for the shampoo once more.

Daniel just nodded his consent, obviously deep in thought. After a while he raised his head again and in a neutral voice asked: "Jack, why do you want to soap up my chest?"

"Huh?"

"Why do you want to soap up my chest?"

"HUH? I don't want to soap up your chest!"

"Then why did you tell me to stop?"

"How about because your arms kept getting in the way and you almost knocked me out twice?"

"Oh."

Jack shook his head in exasperation. "What did Janet give you anyway?"

"Dunno," Daniel yawned, then obediently bent his head so Jack could rinse his hair. Once finished with the hair, the colonel grabbed the shower gel and proceeded to wash Daniel's upper body with brisk, no-nonsense strokes.

"Jack?"

"What?"

"Would you stop it, please."

"Stop what?"

"That." This time it was Daniel's turn to flap his hand.

"Believe me, I wasn't going to wash you *there*!" Jack snorted.

Daniel's head snapped up. "What?" he spluttered, "that's not what I meant."

"Well, what *did* you mean?"

"I meant you, of course." Again the flapping hand.

"ME? No way! I'll take a shower when I'm home - alone!"

"Ja-ack," Daniel sighed, "you're twitching."

"Oh." Jack twitched again.

"Jack! You're standing between my legs, I'm naked, you have your hands all over me, and you're jerking your hips...!"

"I can't help it!" Jack howled frustratedly. "These trunks are cutting into my a.."

"Stop it!" Daniel yelled in panic, as Jack's frantic hopping from one leg to the other almost ended with the two men in a full body hug.

With a seemingly enormous effort of will Jack calmed down and stood still again. Breathing heavily after the exertion he looked at Daniel. "Are we finished yet?"

"Almost," Daniel conceded. "Why don't you take those trunks off if they're so uncomfortable?"

"No!" Jack bristled. "I'm not getting naked under the shower with you *again*!"

"Jack, we've already established that no one will touch anyone anywhere *there*." [imagine corresponding hand flap]. Now just take them off, okay, or we'll never make it out of here."

Jack considered Daniel's words. "Alright, but don't you dare tell *anyone*!" he repeated.

"Believe me, Jack, this is not something I'll want to brag about..."

-----------------

Having finally found a few spare minutes in his tight schedule, General Hammond entered the infirmary. When he didn't see Daniel Jackson in his bed, he asked a nurse and was redirected to the infirmary shower. As he opened the door, he heard the mumble of voices. The general drew closer, his eyes widening in surprise at the conversation.

"Look at it this way, Jack, at least this time no one saw and filmed us," Daniel managed to find something positive in their situation.

"Yeah, yeah," Jack grumbled, as he tried to take off the bathing trunks without hurting himself or the archeologist in the process. "But I gotta tell you, Daniel, this is *so* the last time you and I take a shower together!"

With that he flung the trunks out of the half-open stall, expecting to hear the satisfying 'splash' of them hitting the tiled floor. Instead they made a curious splat.

"Doctor Jacks..uffblb."

Recognizing the voice, Jack and Daniel stared at each other in horror. It couldn't be, could it? Glancing around the stall, Jack's worst fears were confirmed.

"Colonel O'Neill! What the hell is going on here?"

"General..ah, umm.. Janet ordered me to..ah, er.." Jack stammered. "I can explain...uhm, somehow..."

The general looked at his very naked 2IC. "Then by all means, colonel, do!"

FIN