AN: This was something that I just had on my mind...something that if I don´t
write it down, I'll have these thoughts forever stuck in my brain. I have
nothing against Amelia and Jim, please note. One other thing to note is
that in this bit of fiction, I am able to force both Amelia and Jim to do
whatever I want to by simply snapping my fingers.

One last aside...please realize that Jim, Amelia and all of the other
characters--- except myself--- belong to Disney.

******
1. (Both Jim and Amelia) Force the two to give each other a full body
massages...

Amelia: There is positively no way I will allow you to do this! Period!
Jim: You sure got that right, Captain!
Me: *snaps my fingers, forcing them to do as I bid them to*
Amelia and Jim: (to themselves) Please...let this end soon...

2. (Just Amelia) Gag and bind Amelia in a chair, and force her to watch
"Pirates of the Carribean" over and over again
Amelia: No more, please! I simply cannot bear to watch another blithely
inane attempt at humor by one of those pestilential pirates!

Me: Come now, Amelia...you've only seen it four times. I mean you'll come to
enjoy it after only a few dozen more times through. Trust me...

Amelia: *hangs her head and cries*

3. (Just Amelia) Bind her in a chair inside her stateroom aboard the R.L.S.
Legacy and force her to watch as I trash the place...

Amelia: No! Not the--- * crash! * sextant! Help! Can no one stop this
blasted girl? Oh, lord no! Not that--- *trash is strewn all about the
room *
Me: Pah-leese! What are you whining about, Amelia? This place has been in
need of redecorating for years! Like this for example...*drops a very
expensive
vase down to the floor* There!
Amelia: Nooooo! *cries out in the stateroom*

4. (Just Jim) Allow Jim to suffer the joys of women's monthly pains and
discomforts...

Jim: * clutches his head as well as his stomach * Unnnh... Whoa...I don't...feel
so good... * groans again and again *
Amelia: *looks at me* What have you done to him? Well?
Me: Nothing much, really. Just letting him feel what we ladies go through
each and every month. I think that this will be the very last time he ever
mentions someone having PMS ever again...
Amelia: Everything at once? He's a man...he'll never endure it!
Me: Oh, he'll live...he won't be very happy, mind you...but he'll live...
Amelia: *give Jim a supportive hug* Poor fellow! Don't worry...it will be
soon be over...I hope...

5. (Just Amelia) Dress her in clothes appropriate for a modern-day teenage
girl (black clothes, trashy earrings, loads of black make up, and dyed
hair)

Amelia: Why do I suddenly feel as if I've been recently released from
Juvenile
Hall? * gazes down in revulsion at her outfit *
Jim: Not sure, Captain...but maybe it the Marilyn Manson make-up...or maybe
it's those chandalier earrings...or then again, it could be your "I'm so bad
in black" threads. Hey, but it works for me... *looks at me, laughing* Nice
job.
Me: *bowing * One does one's best...

6. (Just Jim) Make Jim up like your average teen girl, and then force him
out into public...

Jim: * cringes as I apply his bright pink lipstick* Please...you don't need
to do this.
Me: * smiling * Course I do! You're lovely! Oh, anything you wan't to say
before you head out to meet your adoring public?
Jim: *shrugs* Would it do any good to beg?
Me: Nope. Not even a little... *pushes him out the door and locks it *

7. (Just Amelia) Graft a feline tail on Amelia as she sleeps...
Amelia: * awakes and rubs her behind * Why does my---hello? * touches her
new tail *
Me: I guess that tail of yours might be the reason, Amelia...
Amelia: A tail?? * hold her tail in her hand, shaking her head wearily *
Why me? Why must it always be me?
Me: * give her a quizzical, yet clever look * Sure you really want to know
why, Amelia?
Amelia: * winces * As a matter of fact...NO!

8. (Just Amelia) Lock Amelia in a room by herself with nothing but "The
Pirate's Song" blaring from speakers within the room...

Amelia: I simply can´t stand it any more! * angles her sensitive ears back,
then trys to stuff her fingers in her ears * Turn it off! My God, turn it
off! Oh, please, for the love of all that's good and right, can't you turn
that infernal din off?
Me: Uh-uh. Nothing doing. *takes Amelia´s fingers out of her ears, and
then ties her hands behind her back * Come on, Amelia! Sing along with
me! Yo ho! Yo ho! *starts to sing along loudly with the CD*
Amelia: * whimpers *
9. (Just Jim) Force Jim to clean the Doppler's house from attic to
basement...

Jim: Oh sure, why is it always I have to clean the really big houses? Hmm?
Me: Oh do stop whining, and continue working...

10. (Both Jim and Amelia) Have Jim and Amelia switch bodies...

Amelia: * in Jim's body, staring daggers at me * I hate you. I really
really do hate you...
Jim: * gazes down at his new body * Geez, Amelia, don't you ever eat
anything? I'm as skinny as a rail!
Amelia: Yes, as a matter of fact I do. Just don't entertain any notions
of forcing your adolescent appetite upon my body, thank you very much. Are
we clear, Mr. Hawkins?
Jim: * sulks * Yes ma'am...

11. (Just Amelia) Cast Amelia in the role of the female lead in the play
"The Pirates of Penzance"...

Amelia: * after having to work for pirate after pirate all day * If I see
so much as one more bloody pirate, I swear I'll scream!
Me: *shows her a 3D picture of Silver*
Amelia: * runs off screaming, her petticoats flapping as she runs *
Jim: Now you've done it. The Captain's lost her mind.

12. (Both Amelia and Jim) Coerce Jim and Amelia to exchange a kiss on the
lips...

Jim: You want me to do what? Nuh-uh! No way! Nothing doing!
Amelia: I quite concur, Mr. Hawkins. The very notion is repulsive...
Me: Gee, you two! Come on...it's not like it's going to kill you or
anything!
Amelia and Jim: * look at one another then stare at me * Wanna bet?
Me: * snaps fingers and they kiss---albeit very reluctantly! *
Jim: * holds his hand over his mouth as if he's going to be sick *
Amelia: * turns and spits, looks as if she's swallowed something foul *
Me: * gushing * Aw! Isn't that sweet?
Amelia: *disgusted, but points out* Ah, you have a bit of lipstick beside
your mouth, James.
Jim: * wiping the lipstick away hastily * No kidding? I can't wonder why
that might be, Amelia?

13. (Just Amelia) Have Amelia and Silver meet in private...

Silver: Ah now...good mornin' to yeh, Cap'n! An' how are yeh feelin' this
fine day now, lass?
Me: * struggling mightily to hold Amelia back, so she won´t kill Silver*
Amelia: Let me go! I am going to bloody kill that pirate! I swear I'm
going to KILL that scoundrel!
Silver: * seemingly uneffected by Amelia's rage, walks up to her and
pinches her cheek sweetly* Sweet as ever, so yeh are. Aye, you 'aven't
changed a bit, have yeh, Cap´n? * laughs *

14. (Just Amelia) Make her kiss Silver on the lips (I am soooo mean, don´t
you think?)

Amelia: * eyes wide in fear * You wouldn't dare, you rogue, if I had my
hands free! * struggles as I hold her arms back *
Silver: Sorry I am, Cap´n...but it's outta me hands, so you see. I got me
orders from someone wit' a higher rank than you, I'm afraid... Now, I'll try
to make this quick as I can, Cap'n...
Me: * continue to hold Amelia´s arms behind her back so she can´t get away*
Go ahead Silver...
Silver: Sorry Cap´n...but orders be orders... *kisses her long and slow*
Amelia: * turns her head and spits, then wipes her mouth on her shoulder *
Bloody hell! Was it really necessary to consume an entire onion before you
did that?
Silver: * shrugs * I rather enjoyed it. You know...the onion as well as the
kiss. What d'ya say, Cap'n? Care to try again?
Amelia: Don´t you dare, Silver. DON´T YOU DARE!

15. (Just Amelia) Make a hole in the RLS Legacy...

Amelia: She's gouged a hole. *sounds like she is going to die* She's gouged
a * giant * hole in my ship...
Jim: There there, Amelia...it'll be fine, really...
Me: * blows away a thin swirl of smoke from my finger * This is so much
fun!

16. (Just Jim) Force him to play Peter in Peter Pan...

Jim: I swear, if I hear that song from that movie again, I'll go insane!
Me: *Puts on a CD and plays "You can Fly" song*
Amelia: * as Jim shrieks, then wimpers * There there, James...you'll be fine
soon enough. This too shall pass, my friend...

17. (Just Amelia) Force her to sing in the music video of Lady Marmelade
(to those that don´t know it Lady Marmelade is a stripping song)

Jim: * claps enthusiastically, then whistles * Woo, Captain! Can you do
that again?
Amelia: Oh do shut up, and give me back my coat, if you please. Oh, and
Mr. Hawkins...one word of this to my husband and I shall flense you skinless,
am I clear?
Me: *Howling with laughter* This is fun! This is just so much fun!

18. (Just Amelia) Afflict Amelia with a small case of fleas...
Amelia: * scratching furiously * Damn this is blasted itching!
Me: It could be the fleas...but who am I to say? * grinning *
Amelia: FLEAS?
Jim: * shakes his head, and reaches over to scratch Amelia´s back* Don´t
worry Captain. We'll just get you a flea bath and you'll be good as new...
Me: Oh, I wouldn't be so sure of that, Jim...

19. (Both Jim and Amelia) Have Jim and Amelia take on the lead roles in the
play of "Romeo and Juliet"...

Jim: But soft, what light through yonder...hey, who writes this crap anyway?
Amelia: Some twit named Shakespeare, I believe. Not much of a playwright
if you ask me... Don't know what you're complaining about Mr. Hawkins...at
least you don't have to wear a bloody dress!
Jim: * stares down at his costume * Oh really? I suppose it's all right
that I'm standing around in what looks like long underwear here...
Me: Oh, do stop complaining, the both of you! You do realize, of course,
that I could always ask for an encore...
Amelia and Jim: * both gulp * Loved the whole play, really!

20. (Just Amelia) Bind her hand and foot and then tickle her...

Amelia: *gasping from laughter* Ha ha! Oh! Stop please! Stop! This is
torture!
Me: There there, Amelia...don´t worry, I'll be done real soon...
Amelia: Soon isn't quite quick enough! *laughs*

21. (Just Amelia) Let Silver give her a full body massage...

Amelia: * indignant * If you think there is any way I'll let that bloody
pirate touch any part of my body, then you have another thought coming,
thank you very much!
Me: Oh, excuse me. Did I make you really think you had any choice? My
error.
Silver: * appearing considerate * Now, Cap'n...why don´t yeh just lie down
here, and we'll just get this unpleasantness over with, eh?
Me: * snap my fingers forcing Amelia to lie down *
Amelia: *groans and grunts as Silver begin her massage* I hope you realize
that I may never forgive you for this...

22. (Both Jim and Amelia) Force Jim and Amelia to watch a children's
cartoon marathon...

Amelia: * scowling menacingly * Heaven help the poor fool that's about if I
should see that damnable Barney again! That purple saurid creature is most
deucedly annoying!
Jim: * snorts sarcastically * Barney? Hey, what about those, what are they
called again, oh yeah...Teletubbies? I swear...if I hear that stupid song one
more time...someone's going to get hurt!
Me: * smirking sweetly, pats Jim's cheek * Hey, Don't you to worry about
it! Trust me... it'll be over soon. Really...come on now, would I lie?
Amelia and Jim: * both groan, closing their eyes in misery *

23. Dye Amelia's fur pink...

Jim: *trying desperately not to laugh* Lookin' good, Captain! I never
would of guessed that pink would look so good on you, you know...
Amelia: Shut it, Mr. Hawkins! Shut it immediately, if you know what's good
for you...
Me: Hey, not to worry, Amelia! It washes out after only fifty rinses.
Simple, huh?
Amelia: *sarcastic* To quote our Mr. Hawkins..."Yippie!" I can simply hardly
wait...


24. Provide Jim with Amelia's baby album...

Jim: Awww...gee, Captain, you were a really cute little kid.
Amelia: Thank you, Mr. Hawkins. Now, kindly keep your comments to yourself
and hand over that book to me...immediately! I shouldn't want to hurt you,
James, but I shall if I have to...
Me: * laughs * Oh, don´t mind her, Jim. She knows that if she tries to
hurt you she just gets another go-round with her favorite fella, John
Silver.
Amelia: * sighs, then glares * Has anyone informed you that you are a
rather evil young woman?
Me: * pats Amelia's cheek kindly * I know, Amelia...I know.

25. Turn both Amelia and Jim into three year old children...

Jim: You know...I've always wondered just what you looked like when you were
a
little girl, Captain...
Amelia: * immensely irritated * Yes, now you know, Mr. Hawkins. Now, do
keep in mind that while I may be a little girl, I still have my claws. Am
I making myself quite clear?
Jim: * gulps, backing away *Yes maám.
Amelia: * pleased, yet still irritated by her current situation * Good.