OK, firstly, THIS IS NOT MINE! I'm just borrowing the characters for a while, OK? Yeah? If this was official stuff I'd throw a fit! This is Fanfic! Don't sue me! Right? Right?
Now, this is defiantly an R ficlet. I can't give all the details, because I don't want to give too much away. Just trust me when I say it's rather… dark. So if you feel very sensitive about things like this, DON'T READ! You have been warned. Thank you.
I can't see the sunrise in here.
I guess this is a pretty good thing, yo', I mean, I think I'd wig out if I saw it. So it's good they don't have no windows. But… I'd kinda like to see it anyway, y'know what I mean?
I used to get up to see the sunrise, once, 'cos that's when my snuggle-bunny woke up. Almost every morning, she was up wit' the sun, like a bird. She used to go downstairs, make herself some marmalade toast. Jus' one piece normally, but sometimes two. She used to eat it real quick, generally, unless she was feelin' bad, then she'd take her time.
I remember watchin' her eat, she ate so neatly, 'spite bein' so quick about it. She only took little mouthfuls, not like me.
I 'member everythin' about her, the way she walked, the way she smiled, the way she smelt. Even now, if I smell leather, like off new shoes or summit, it reminds me of her, 'cos she had a leather coat. I sometimes think I hear her voice, echoin' in my head…
She hardly ever smiled, yo' know, but when she did… it weren't like nothin' I've ever seen… so lovely.
I tol' her so, every day, I told her how lovely she was, how beautiful, my little honey-pot. But she only hexed me, or hit me… but that was OK. At least she saw me, yo, least she touched me.
I like bein' touched, like bein' paid attention to. I don't get much of it, though. No one wants to touch me, no one bothers with me, 'cos I'm smelly and stuff.
But they hit me sometimes, they pound me, and it ain't much, ain't really what I want, but it's a start, right? I mean, a punch is only a step away from a hug, right? At least I know they're takin' note of me. Right?
Snugglumps used to hit me, used to tell me to bug off, but at least she knew I existed. Least she cared for me in a way.
My mom said, if yo' can't get people to respect yo', then get them to fear yo'.
An' I reckon that if yo' can't get people to love yo', then hate's the next best thing, right?
But, funny thing is, I ain't hardly ever hated anyone, 'sides pa, that is. My Pa, an' my uncle, I hated them, yo. But they're dead, right? Dead an' buried. They were the only ones I ever really hated, 'til that night…
Wonder what'd have happened if I hadn't noticed. I wonder, sometimes, wonder a lot of things. But I always had good hearin' see? Always sharp, even if I wasn't. An' that night, when I woke, I heard her leavin'. Leavin' the house, leavin' me.
So I got outta bed an' I followed her.
I weren't worried about her safety or nothin', cos I know how strong she is. Yeah, that's my Wanda, strong as anythin'. But weak too, yo' know? She so delicate, so desperate for love, for protection. An' I wanted to give her that, I wanted to be wit' her, to look after her. I'da saved her from everythin', made sure she was safe. Made sure no one could hurt her.
But that can't be no more, not after what she did… cos, yo' know, I ain't standin' for that! I mean, I… wanna look after her, wanna fucking love her… but… but if that little bitch wants to throw all that away for-
Nah, nah, I'm gettin' ahead of myself. Can't do that, gotta keep this thing structured, so you know, right? So you understand.
I mean, yo're supposed to be big on understandin', yeah?
Any how, here I am… or there I was, followin' my little snuggle-lumps in the night, all curious an' worried like. So, we walk for a while, or she goes an' I hop behind, tryin' to stay real quiet, 'cos I'm pretty good at stayin' unnoticed. She goes into this wood near the Xavier Institute. Yo' heard of that? Yeah, yeah course yo' have, yo' would… it was pretty well known…
So, we're deep in this weird wood, right? An' it's the middle of the night. Pitch dark. Only the moon lightin', the way. Eventually we reach this kinda… glade. Yeah, a big glade wit' this bolder in the centre. But we ain't alone, yo.
Yep. It was him. Kurt –freakazoid, fuzzbutt, rat-arsed gecko-Wagner!
At first I t'ink, this is pretty innocent, yo. I think… maybe they're just… yo' know, chattin' or somethin'. I dunno. I suppose it was all denial, it wasn't 'till they… 'till they started… well… fuck… I can't even say it, can't get it out… but it's in my head.
I 'member it well. They hardly talked, they jus'… ran at each other, yo' know? Then they're kissin', touchin', all that stuff… then they're tuggin' at each other's clothes an'… an' I'm seein' it all.
It weren't like no porno, yo' know, weren't like that at all 'cos… it were real. Too real… there weren't no choreography, or… stupid grunts or… languid movement or non of that shit. It were fast an'… passionate an' messy an'… real. They really were doin' it, wit' real emotions. They loved each other. I could see it in the way they looked at each other, the way they moved, the sounds they made…
Don't ask me how I know 'cos… 'cos God knows I ain't had much experience. I mean, girls are hardly linin' up fer me. Fuck, no one's linin' up for anythin' that's to do wit' me, unless they wanna use me as a punchin' bag, that is…
Those two… my Wanda… I… I dunno what to say. I loved her so much… love her… an' there she was with Kurt Wagner. She… loved… Kurt…
So, any road, I don't rightly 'member what happened next, I coulda stayed there whatchin' them all night, or I coulda gone straight home… it's all kinda blurry.
Next thing I do remember is bein' in my room, thinkin'.
Kurt Wagner. Kurt fucking Wagner. What's he got? Why's he better than me? Kurt Wagner, wit' the nice family. Kurt Wagner, wit' the lovely home. Kurt Wagner, wit' the exotic looks. Kurt Wagner, wit' the athletic skill. Kurt Wagner, full of fuckin' friends. Kurt Wagner, wit' the powers that ain't half as shit as mine. Kurt Wagner, wit' the gentle touch, cute smile, gorgeous accent. Kurt the fucking Wagner wit' everythin' any freak could want. Kurt Wagner, the man who's got it all, he's even got a fuckin' tail, for cryin' out loud.
Wonder how many times he used that on her? How many times did they do it? How many times has he made her cum? Wonder if she screams his name when she cums? Wonder if it's him she thinks of when she's touchin' herself, wonder why she ever bothered lookin' at me when she had him? Kurt fucking "I'm so good an' clever" Wagner.
What d'ya mean, gettin' over agitated? I've got a right to be fucking mad! She was mine! The only one! MINE! An' Kurt Wagner, the man who had it all already took her from me! He stole her! He coulda had any woman, any woman in the universe, any one, but he chose her. Chose her jus' because I loved her. Jus' because she were my only one… even if she didn't always know it… yeah, I am fucking mad. 'S why I did what I did.
When I'd finished workin' it all out… I knew what I had to do. I knew where Lance kept *it*. Wouldn't think we'd need one, would yo', but, yo' know, mutant powers aren't perfect, an' Lance always thought it paid to have it in the house. Jus' in case.
So, I took it from where he kept it, under the kitchen floor boards. Now, I knew they'd be meetin' again that night. Don't ask me how, maybe I heard 'em talkin' about it… maybe I jus' acted on instinct, I dunno, but I knew that she'd be leavin' again.
So, I sneaked into the drugs cupboard, took out some pills Lance takes when he ain't feelin' so good. Then, at dinner time, I slipped some into Wanda food. I knew they made people drowsy, knew it would mean that she wouldn't wake up that night, would sleep. Nah, that night she would have to do wit'out her piece of tail.
It was my turn for that.
At the same time the other night, I left the house an' went to the wood, went to the glade. I'd been there before, o'course, even before all this. It's a nice place, peaceful, outta the way, a good hole if'n' you wanna make sure no one can find you. I liked to hide out near this lake in the centre… but that comes in later, right? Right.
Any way, I go back to that glade, an' I see him there.
He… don't see me right away, which is pretty good, yo, 'cos it gives me a while to prepare, mentally, yo' know?
Then, when I'm ready, I step forward an' show myself to him. I say Wanda won't be comin' tonight, pretty corny, I know, but it's all I could think of sayin'.
He tells me to fuck off, of course. Well, no, he don't use those exact words, 'cos he's an X-geek, an' X-geeks are always clean livin' an' shit.
I tell him I know what's been goin' on, an' that I'm real mad.
He tells me he don't care, he loves Wanda. He tells me that… that nothin' I can do can tear them apart. He says… he says he don't care about me. Don't wanna fight me, 'cos I ain't worth it.
An'… an' he turns away from me, he turns and walks away. He ignores me, an' I'm sick an' tired of bein' ignored by him, by everyone. Sick of bein' disrespected. Sick of it all.
So, I do it. I wait 'till he turns his back an' I take out the fucking gun an' I fire.
Lance's gun's pretty good, it's fully loaded an' stuff. Works easy too, jus' press the trigger an'… bam.
Well, I hit fuzz-butt a few times, once in the leg, once in the shoulder, perhaps somewhere else, too. I can't really remember. He's still movin' though, screamin' out in pain. Well… part o' me wanted to leave him there, but I knew I had to finish it, make it clean.
He musta been too confused, in too much pain to 'port, which is kinda lucky else I'da been dead, there an' then. As it was… I guess I got lucky.
So, I move closer to him an', when I get a good aim, I close my eyes, try to ignore his screams, 'cos I think he was beggin' for mercy by then… yeah… yeah he was… but I still fire again. Right in his fucking head.
Pretty messy, yo. Pretty fuckin' messy.
I mean, I've got blood all over me, an' there's blood all over the ground… blood on the gun… sure sprays far, don't it?
I 'member lookin' down at it an… I couldn't see the blood, yo' know? Cos it was so dark… could jus' see these dark patches of wetness on his fur. Funny.
I knew I had to get rid of the body, yo. So I drag it through the forest 'till I get to that lake I tol' yo' about earlier. Then I sorta sling the body in it, I guess I thought it'd sink an'… yo' know, not be found.
Silly really, I left a trail o' blood from the glade to the shore… but I wasn't thinkin' too good at the time. I mean, everythin' was clear enough, never thought so clear before but… I don't think it was right. Yo' know? I don't think it was properly… right.
Any how, I go back to the boardin' house after that. I still got the gun, an' I ain't cleaned myself off or nothin,' still don't feel like I have… suppose I never will feel clean.
I go straight to Wanda's room. An' she's still sleepin' there… sleepin' so peacefully, like she's… innocent. She don't realize what happened…
But I think… I know what I gotta do. I take out the gun again an'… an I place it against her head. The nozzle's right on her forehead, right on her smooth brow… an' she must be so drugged an' outta it she don't even wake…
She's so beautiful… sleepin' there… so peaceful. She don't even know, yo. Don't know what she's done…
An' the nozzle's just up against her forehead, all I need to do is move my finger that little bit.
Powerful. I guess I was feelin' real powerful then. Look at Toady, wit' the power of life an' death in his slimy little hands. Not so insignificant now, am I?
Just a little. I just needed to pull my finger a little an'… but I couldn't. I couldn't do it.
I pulled the gun away, put it by her pillow, an' left. I 'member the nozzle… it weren't clean, had some of fuzz-butt's blood on it, kinda left this red mark on her head. I thought it were real funny at the time, kinda a last kiss from the freak. Real sweet.
Any how, I left after that, went on the run, hid… an' I got a few hidy-holes, I can tell you. Truth is, I reckon, if it hadn't been for me givin' myself in, they wouldn't have found me for months, at least! Stupid cops!
Why'd a give myself in? well, 'cos of Wanda. I mean, I weren't to know they'd start blamin' her for the freak's death. I couldn't let her be put back in the nut-house, or in prison. Cos Wanda… she's like a pretty bird, she can't be put in a cage. That was what made her so angry to start with, yo.
An' I sure couldn't let her fry.
Why not? Well, same reason I couldn't pull the trigger before. See, if she dies, then she'll be wit' him again, right? He'd have her up in whatever fuzzy heaven he's in. An' I can't stand for that. 'Cos she's mine, yo. Even if she don't know it. We belong to each other, see? An' Fuzz-butt might have everythin' else I could ever want, but he ain't havin' her.
Guilt? Me feelin' guilt? I dunno. Sometimes, I guess, when I ain't angry… but I wouldn't take non of it back. I mean, if I coulda stopped them from meetin', sure, I would, but after I saw them… yo' know… fuckin,' well, I don't see what else I could do.
'Sides, ain't yo' supposed to be goin' on about His divine plan an' shit? I mean, if you guys are right then this was all meant to be, right?
Nah, I ain't Christian. I don't believe in all that shit, not like the blue-freak, sittin' an pullin' at all those fuckin' prayer beads. I mean, if there was a God, why'd He do this? Why'd He make me such a freak? Eh? What did I do? Nah, I don't have no faith. But I guess I could be wrong… there might be a big-guy up there. I guess I'm about to find out soon, yeah?
I mean, I'm about to sit in a chair and do the electric dance, right? Freaky. I didn't feel all that scared before, I kinda knew this was gonna happen but now… it's like I've eaten all these butterflies.
Nah, I ain't real scared. Not even of God. Repent? What do yo' want, Father? Yo' want me to get on my knees an' beg for forgiveness? Yo' want me to confess? Want me to suck up to God's ass like I had to suck up to everyone else? Fuck that! I done that all my life, I entered the world a whingeing slime, but I ain't leavin' it that way. I'll have some dignity, at least.
I ain't gonna beg. I ain't gonna repent nothin'. I ain't gonna hope that He, if He exists, is gonna judge me well. I don't need to.
'Cos, 'spite all this confusion goin' on in my head, I know this one thing.
See, not matter what, I know I'm goin' straight up to heaven, 'cos I've already served my time in hell.
NOTE: The last line was paraphrased from some graffiti in an insane asylum, or so I've heard. Says a bit for Todd's mental state in this fic, eh? pHHow