The Truth is Here
Author: Gothic Spook
Rating: PG-13 just to be safe
Category: LOTS of humour! This fic includes ALL the romances!
Summery: My very own talk show, me as the host. Lots of guests. Lots of name calling, threats, punching, yelling, basically all the products of a strange mind ... my mind!
Disclaimer: If you recognise it, I do not own it!.
Spoilers: EVERYTHING ... just to be safe
Archive: Anywhere that wants it, juts let me know
Authors Notes: I have ignored quite a few X Files events. So some people who are dead in the show are alive in here. Just to let people know, some stuff did happen and some stuff didn't.
Feedback: Love it! Always welcomed!
Dedication: To all X Files fans from all over the world and to Johnny for coming up with the title to this insane story. THANK YOU : )
Authors Notes: Enjoy the insanity! And also no offence is meant to ANYONE! Brian is just a bit of fun! So no one please take offence in the way I have written the character!

Part 1 - Love

Why did we agree to go on a talk show? Skinner complained.

Because the host of this show wants to make us look as stupid a humanly possible. Mulder explained.

Well, that does explain the clothes.

Skinner looked down at his clothes. A clown costume. Doggett looked at his, a pair of really tight jeans. Mulder looked at his, an alien costume.

Why do you guys get costumes and I get the shirtless outfit? John wondered.

Because the host of the show thinks that you're hot and sexy and that you have a body which needs to be shown.

He blushed.

Just then Monica and Dana walked in, they were in normal clothes. The boys were thinking the exact same thing This is so unfair' Monica looked at John and her eyes went wide Man, John is even hotter than I ever thought' John noticed her looking.

John looked at her suspiciously.

Nothing. Not a thing. Monica diverted her eyes from his chest to the side, her face turning a a deep red of embarrassment. The director, Brian, came up to the group. He was obviously gay.

Everyone in their places people, it's almost show time, you all look absolutely fabulous. Gentlemen, I love the outfits, they are definatley you.

His eyes lingered on Johns exposed chest. Johns eyes widened in horror. He looked for a way to escape, the fire exit, he was about to leg it when a hand stopped him. He turned and saw Monica.

Don't even think about it John, the host of the show is making ALL of us do this talk show. Especially you my dear friend! Monica smiled at him and dragged him to the side of the set, waiting for their queues to go on.

Just then the cheezy talk show music came on, Brian, the director who was stood behind the camera, shouted The crowd started cheering when guns were pointed at their heads and the host walked on and started talking to the camera.

Thank you oh you're all to kind. She pretended she didn't notice the guns and that the audience were obviously not here of their own free will Hello and welcome to my talk show The Truth Is Here' we have a number of guests that you'll recognise and a few suprise guests. The crowd went ooooh' and aaaah' as the guns were pushed to their heads harder. Yes we have an exciting show ready for you all, let me bring out our first five guests, First welcome Fox Mulder!

Fox Mulder stepped out from the side and made his way to his chair. The crowd was cheering and also started chanting the tune to the X Files.

Walter Skinner!

Skinner came out in his clown costume, the audience laughed then starts chanting over and over again Baaaaldy Baaaaldy!

The very hot and sexy John Doggett!

John came out in nothing but a pair of really really tight jeans, that really did show his butt to perfection. All the women in the audience started whistling, sending him kisses and making the hand motion that says call me. John blushed a very deep shade of red and went to his seat next to Skinner.

Nicola, the host of the show, is just standing there, staring at John's well muscled upper body. The director tried to get her attention, but it didn't work. In the end he had to go up to her.

Nicola. NICOLA! It was no use, he did the only thing he could think of.


Oh sorry, where was I? Nicola was a little dazed from zoning out for a minute there. The director pointed off stage to Dana and Monica.

Oh yeah. She whispered as she remembered what it was she was in the middle of doing before being ... distracted. Nicola turned to Brian, the director And Brian?

Yes honey?


DON'T YOU EVER SLAP ME AGAIN! Nicola screamed at him.

I had to get your attention some how! He defended as he rubbed the spot on his cheek where she just slapped him.

Well if you do it again, I'll give you more than a bruised cheek! Nicola warned.

Brian raised his hand to his chest and gasped in horror, he was stunned that Nicola had just called him that. He walked back over to behind the camera man. Okay, now, where were we? Oh yeah, Dana Scully!

Dana came out, the audience did the normal forced cheering, nothing special or unique, as Dana sat down next to Mulder.

Monica Reyes!

Monica came out and all the men in the audience cheered and started blowing her kisses. Dana was angry that Monica's entrance was a lot better than her own.

Why didn't I get that kind of applause? She wined.

Because you already have a man and a baby. Nicola explained.

Oh, okay. Dana mumbled something under her breath, it was something along the lines of. I still deserve a better applause. But everyone had chosen to ignore her.

Monica took a seat next to John, she tried desperately not to look at his chest. Nicola took a seat in front of the five guests.

Okay our first topic is (dramatic long pause) Love. The audience went again go ooooh' and then aaaah'. Who would like to start? No one raised their hand. If no one volunteers I'll have to choose.

Skinner raised his hand slightly.

Yes Mr Baldy ... uh ... I mean Mr Skinner, go ahead.

I'm in love with someone. He nearly whispered, he looked down into his lap at his folded hands.

The audience once again went ooooh' and then aaaah'. Nicola turned to the audience.

Stop with the dam oohing and the aahing! The audience instantly went into silence. Thank you. She turned back to Skinner Please go on.

I'm in love with someone, but I cant tell her. He tried to hold back a sob.

The audience went aaaaw' but instantly stop when Nicola gave them an evil and threatening look.

And why can't you tell her? She looked as though she felt sorry for him and actually cared.

Because she's in love with someone else, she has a baby and I'm to bald to be loved! Tears instantly started flowing out of his eyes, which caused his clown makeup to run, making him look like a sad clown. Nicola quickly turned to the audience.

Don't you even think about awing! She turned back to Skinner.

Does this special lady friend of yours have a name? Nicola asked, she knew who he was in love with, but she had decided to be mean and make him say it, or at least try.

I don't want to say.

Well how about we give her a nickname? Or use a set of initials picked randomly? Let me think for a second (pretends to ponder) DS. Nicola suggested.

Dun Dun Dun! The camera instantly went for a close up on Dana Scully. Her face was shocked.

Hey you stay away from her! Mulder threatened. She's with me, you ... you ... you bald old man! Everyone gasped in horror at the insult.

You're out of line Agent Big Nose. Oh sorry, I mean Agent Spooky with a big nose! Skinner corrected, obviously not meaning a word of it.

I do not have a big nose! Mulder protested.

Hate to tell you this, but you kind of do. Nicola pointed out. He looked shocked for a few seconds before reacting to the news of having a big nose.

Mulder screamed and ran off the stage.

Mulder wait! Dana rushed after him.

Dana wait! Skinner rushed after her.

Leaving the host with John and Monica sitting in their seats. They looked at the evil look in Nicola's eyes and swallowed the huge lump that had just formed in both of their throats.

So who's next? Nicola innocently asked. John and Monica looked at each other. Very, very frightened. John how do you really feel about Monica? Nicola asked.

She's my best friend. He answered calmly.

Well I have a suprise for you both, a special guest who will also be joining us for the rest of the show. John and Monica looked at each other, neither had ever been more terrified than they were at that moment. Please put your hand together for (really long dramatic pause) Brad Follmer!

Everyone gasped in horror, including the director, Brian was frantically looking through the script, this had never been planned.

Brad made his way to John and Monica. John looked angry as hell. Monica looked nervous. Brad walked up to Monica, pulled her up out of her seat, spun her around so she was in his arms and then placed his lips expertly on hers.

Hey YOU SON OF A BITCH! John yelled as he pulled Brad off of Monica and punched him right in the nose. Before anyone knew it, they were on the ground punching each other as hard as they could. Security guards came and pulled them apart. The guards shoved them into their seats with Monica in the middle.

So John, why did you punch Brad? Nicola asked.

Because he is scum! Was Johns answer.

Is that it? Nicola asked him. John mumbled something under his breath. What was that?

Admit it. You're in love with Monica.

Am not! He defended. Monica's breathing had increased by this point. But John didn't notice. Brad did and he was very angry.

Are to!

Am not!

Are to!

He then realised that Nicola had just tricked him. No I meant to say No!

To late Johnny boy, you just admitted you and Monica love each other!

How do you know she feels the same way? John gave her a suspicious look.

Because she does love you. Nicola stated simply.

Am not Monica defended herself.

Are to!

Am not!

Are to!

Monica then realised that Nicola had just tricked her as well. No I meant to say No!

It's way to late to deny your love for each other, you both just admitted it on live television! John and Monica looked at each other and gave each other a slight smile. Brad looked as though he was about to scream. So where will you be taking this relationship?

John looked at Monica and gave a huge grin, reading his mind she gave a huge grin back.

The dressing room?

They both ran to the dressing room holding hands. The door was slammed shut and locked. Everyone was shocked, they could of at least waited until after the show! Everyone could hear their laughter, moans, grunts, clothes ripping and objects being thrown to the floor. Nicola turned to the camera and smiled sweetly.

We'll be right back after this commercial break. She looked to the dressing room as she heard another moan AT LEAST KEEP IT DOWN, YOU HAVE TWO MINUTES OR I'M GETTING THE FIRE EXTINGUISHER! Nicola yelled at them.

Every heard Monica reply them moan very loudly.

Nicola took out a paper and pen, she started writing a note and when she finished she walked over to the dressing room and stuck it on the door. The camera showed the note on the television screen.

Do NOT disturb! Adult situation taking place!'

And cut to commercial! The director shouted.