[ the mirrored image of you ]

There, where you are, at an other place in an other tomorrow

Where ever you want to go, what ever you are

I know you won´t do … that … please, oh please

Don´t let me left behind in the shadows

Let me remember you as the one you´d been so long ago

As the one you are, if you are still the one you´d been

Let me take the memory in my hands

Let me hold it deep in my heart

I know you´re here, still in my heart

Somewhere at the depths of my soul

Just as the one you´d always been …

I watch her leave, wondering what she´ll do now after everything´s over. Again, l´m alone … again I´ve lost more than I´d have gotten. She´s free, free of all those dark shadows, that followed her path, all those things, i´d done or would have done …

Just free … of my existence … of every thing … Would she remember, would she think … Would she do, just one little perc … without pity or compassion … just leading … a normal life …

For what is a dream, if each truth shatters the clouds we build in our solitude and darkness … a normal life … wasn´t this one of the dreams I once had? A life, somewhere in the light, without all that condemns me here in the depth of hell … It might be for all, everyone, but not for the likes of mine, not for those, who´d …

My feet touch the edge of the lake, I feel the coldness of the icy water. Wouldn't it be just so very easy to be free of all those things that hurt? My eyes wander over the surface, following the small tides and waves. Would I´ve something like a tomorrow; now, after I didn´t get a normal life? The cold of the water creeps closer, up my body. I take another step forward, feeling some stones beneath my naked feet. What would it change, if I wouldn´t die … what ever I might have thought of? For her, there´d be no difference, I suppose, nem, surely not.

My thoughts beyond this all here, back in a time, when I once had a teacher, once when I´d been a child. I remember his words, only too clearly and even their truth hurts. As much as her … moves … still hurt. Isn´t it always the same, not only on each day we live and … maybe try to find a better path for what we call tomorrow? Far away, I can hear his voice, hear the words he once told me.

Stay away from the other side of the edge, and never ever try to cross its border. There are things, which are not ours to touch.

Every thing I did, was wrong, up from the first move I made … I wanted too much, wanted what was forbidden … only to cross this damned border and walk over the edge.

I remember her voice, as clearly as the scent of rain, as clearly as the light of Utu. My heart aches for her, my soul cries for her. There was something … I wanted to hold between my hands, and not only as a memory that lasts beyond all I´d once known. Why this way, why went it all wrong? Only coz I didn´t know how to do it right? Was it my entire fault, out of non-existing knowledge?

I take another step forward, getting a bit deeper into the lake. It´s darn cold, maybe as cold as ... halál, who knows at least for sure? How long would it take until ... the end?

I feel a strange prickling behind my eyes, it seems as if I´d ... how is it called? ... crying? Something slips down at one side of my cheek, something that looks like water ... and yet, it differs from it. Water, mixed with a strange liquid ... What´s happening to me ... something seems to surge through my body, something that wants to be free ...

... leaving every thing behind ... what would it be that I find on the other side? Just a new kind of damnation? Just another, new created hell in some darkness I hadn´t known before?

And yet ... it´s very tempting ... maybe it´s totally different from everything ... maybe there´s more ... to discover ... things I´d not seen before ... new to experience ...

Again, my thoughts drift back to her. Only one time more, I want to see her, and if it´d be as a shadow out of the dark. What hope´d I have, what is there to wish? How to tell a broken heart to crave no longer, for the only thing that once made it alive. How to tell a soul that there was only an illusion, as fulfillment ...? What has been left in the end, nothing ...

... nothing except emptiness ...

If there´s a god, if there´s something of the things in which we use to believe, let me ...

Stupid mind, isn´t there something else to think of, something else to crave for? What has become of all your pretty little dreams, the ones you´d all this time ago? Don´t you remember there´s been much more than she´d ever have been ... and yet ... Now, if you´re truthful to yourself, isn´t she everything to you, every thing beyond what you´d craved for, every thing, that´s worth living for?

Lost in a shadow, surrounded by darkness, which creeps into your mind as fast as the coldness you´re still feeling ...

Why am I not able to set me free from her, why am I not able to find for only one time ... salvation? And yet, it promises itself here, in the unseen depths on the glassy surface of the lake ... set your self free, here and now ...

Another wave of coldness washes through me, when I take one more step. Isn´t it all we want to do at the end of our day, to lay down and rest?

I close my eyes, only to see the vivid image of her, so vibrant and full of live. My heart ... is this what you feel, when it´s torn apart? When it´s just shred to pieces ... Why does it hurt that much, why´s nothing here to ease it.

Strange new and unknown concept to me ... why do I think, I lose myself? The edge, pretty little promise ...

I falter and fall onto my knees. My hands touch the water, as cold as it is. What would be, if ...?

My gaze wanders to the unseen shore at the other side. Was there something that flashed like white? Cruel trick of mind, putting up things I don´t want to see, only fragments of an imagination, trying to ease what´s unbearable.

All of this emptiness inside me, growing on and on with each passing moment. Why to find another tomorrow when there´s nothing to be needed of? For what going on with breathing, living; if not for something that it might be worth of? I don´t know what to do anymore, all I can feel right now is the coldness of the lakes water, icy and coming up with the eternal promise of peace ... and the mirror of her image in my broken soul ...

One way or another, this all-consuming emptiness will kill me only too soon, little by little. Darkness, which unfolds its mind gently around me, holding me in its arms. Isn´t it what I´m craving for, this everlasting peace? And yet, her ... the ability of her feelings, however that might have been in the end, they lifted a part of my self up into the light. The same kind of light that once had been forbidden to the likes of mine?

I can still feel the touch of her hand on my cheek, as she´d caressed it not so long ago, remember the expression in her eyes. I know only too well that it was nothing else than the bribe of an unsaid bargain - a kiss of a life ... I know this and yet ... why do I still pretend it´d been ... not like this, why do I complain, that there ´d been some kind of real emotion? Only out of a kind of illness in my mind, out of the wish to get something I´d never get, maybe something else, but nothing that´s just natural for anyone else. Therefore, why do I pretend what there´d never be? Why do I have wishes, which are not mine after all?

And yet, I still wish, I´d feel the sensitive of her touch once more, only to savor it for some time longer, some time after everything might have been finished for all. It´s only a question of time, how long it will take until this, even I don´t fear it that much ...

How to ease emptiness, how to get rid of all this ... pain inside ... me, all these hurt and wounds, which unfold itself more and more.

To live for a dream, gods, what an illusion was this once ago, to let the soul soar above a sky which belongs to the light of Utu ... and not the silvery darkness of Nanna-suin. To be free once more, only to walk this earth and watch keenly its wonder, maybe not only dreaming of something afternath. And yet ... for who this all? To cradle an illusion and let it stay alive?

I´m recognizing that I´m sitting in the water, the tides still coming and going all around me. Somehow I don´t want to leave this place, its promise and its peace. And still ... why do I remember ...?

The mirror image of my soul in her eyes, the expression of agony, fear and … hate? … something beyond recognition. Both have the same fears, both the same … kind of emotion …? Dancing around unseen clouds, holding something broken in each hand … craving for an unsaid wish to come true at last.

I know too well, it was a lie, from her side, nothing else than a cheat, unreal and never meant in reality. But I don´t want to lose the memory, even I don´t quite understand why. I can still smell the scent of her so very close. So very many things, forbidden to me … so very close they´d almost been, somewhere between my hands …

And yet, all those emptiness, growing on and on in me, becoming more and more. I feel, something inside me, as if my soul might be going gone for good … at last, maybe I´d find a kind of salvation … What would be on the other side, what might I gain for after all? Could I?

Again, as I close my eyes, I can feel the coldness of the lake. Maybe I´d just leave this place, maybe it´s the better way of all, even I don´t know where to go. Leave? Without her, without any trace of some little hint of my existence, any trace of her …

Let her come back, and if it´s only for the little moment to see her shadow … far away …

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