Notes: This is one of my *earliest* works I wrote when I was watching the finale of CCS. I translated it too, just scroll down. ^^ This is for Lariz(sp?)-chan who was asking me for an S+S months ago. For those wondering about the grammar of the title, actually, in our culture, murdering the English language is one of the sources of humor. "Why is the because" would translate loosely to "Why is it so?" Trivia brought you by syao-syao, lover of Mr. Suave ^_~
Why is the because?
Malupit ka, pag-ibig. Bakit sa dinami-dami ng mga eba dito sa daigdig…kahit dito na lang sa Tomoeda, bakit_naman_sa_isang_SAKURAKINOMOTO_pa ako tinamaan?
Akala ko noon, nang nakilala ko si Tsukishiro Yukito ay maayos na ang pag-ikot ng mundo ko, kahit na gabundok na guilt ang binunga nung pers lab na yun. (Ano ang sasabihin ng nanay ko kapag nalaman nyang ang kanyang nag-iisang anak na pinuno ng kanyang angkan ay umiibig sa isang high school soccer player na matakaw pa sa mga alagang hayop namin sa aking baying sinilangan?) Kahit na alanganin. Kahit masagwa.
Kaso ang sutil kong puso, nuno talaga ng katangahan. Simula nang nanggaling kami ni Kinomoto sa kweba dahil sa field trip namin, kapag nakikita si Yukito, lumulundag; kapag andyan si Sakura, nag-aacrobat. Kakausapin ko si Yukito, para akong lumulutang sa hangin. Kapag si Sakura ang kinausap ko, para akong lumilipad.
Kaso, eto ang pamatay.
Pag kausap ni Yukito si Sakura (at vice versa), para akong pinangangapusan ng hininga. Para akong nanliliit, tipong parang tinatapakan ka.
Eh ano naman ngayon kung masaya ang talakayan at balitaktakan nila? Wala eh, pero dahil nga sutil ang kapirasong lamang-loob ko na ito, nakakaramdam ako ng mga hindi dapat maramdaman, lalo na ng isang taong dala ang dugo ng Li sa kanyang circulatory system.
Tiim-baga. Nakatanghod na parang si Kamatayan na hindi makapasok sa bahay kasi walang dalang skeleton key. Tapos parang gusto mong sumugod doon at mang-upak ng tao. Ewan! Hindi kaya ng munti kong isipan na i-process ang mga nararamdaman ko.
Malala na yata ako.
Dumating at umalis ang pinsan kong si Meiling. Nampucha, nakahalata na rin siya yata kaya nagsa-alsabalutan. Kaso ano ba ang gagawin ko? Nasanay na kasi ako na lagging tinatanaw ka, Kinomoto. Noon, gawain ko yun para matiyak na wala kang kalokohang gagawin, tulad ng pagtatago ng Clow cards na dapat ay nasa akin (pero mukhang sa ating dalawa, mas ako ang may tendency na gawin yun eh). Kaso, sentido komon says. "Hindi nagblublush ang taong ganoon ang intensyiong tingnan ang tao." Sabi ng Murphy's Law, ang amount of denial daw ay in direct proportion sa amount ng katotohanan ng ibinibintang. I categorically deny that, siyempre.
Tsaka nanadya ka eh. Noong nasa kuweba tayo, halos tawagin na kitang duwag, pinasalamatan mo pa rin ako dahil hindi ako nawala. Pagkatapos, doon naman sa Return Card…oo, nung kinuha ka nung higanteng puno na may sa-duwende yata…muntik mo na akong pakabahin talaga. Hindi mo man lang naisip, paano ko kaya ipaliliwanag sa kuya mong bakulaw na nakain ka ng isang puno na may sa-demonyo, at wala akong nagawa? Pakiramdam ko noon, ang tanga-tanga ko. Bakit kita noon hindi naipagtanggol?
Pero noong nakabalik ka, imbes na magalit ka, niyakap mo ako bilang pasasalamat sa paggamit ko sa Time card para kunin ka uli. Kinomoto, talento mo na yata ang gawing guilty ang isang tao eh.
Noong nahuli mo ang Light card at Dark card sa dula-dulaan natin, halos itulak na kita palayo pero niyakap mo ako. (Ilang gabi noon ako hindi nakatulog ha!)
Feeling ko, sineseduce mo ako eh.
Kaso hanggang doon lang yun. Feeling lang. Aray, ilusyunado ako. In fact, pati ultimong Dream card ipinamumukha sa akin na lihim kong pangarap na…na…
Naaalala mo pa ba, Kinomoto, nung Huling Paghuhukom? Yun na yata ang pinakakinatakutan kong laban, hindi para sa sarili ko, kundi para sa iyo. Kung alam mo lang kung ilang beses kong sinumpa ang pangalang "Yue" habang pinahihirapan ka nya…lalo na yung pangalang "Li Syaoran" dahil wala siyang magawa para tumulong.
Pero Kinomoto, nang pinagtagumpayan mo ang mga baraha, wala na akong nadamang panibugho. Kung noon ang mga baraha lang ang mahalaga sa akin, ngayon, masayang-masaya na ako na ligtas ka lang. At lalo kitang hinangaan.
Pero hindi pa rin naalis ang kamanhidan mo sa mga bagay na may kinalaman sa pang-araw araw na kabuhayan.
Tulad halimbawa nang umeksena ang foreigner na yun. Anak ng pitong tokwa, wala pa nga ako sa first base…ni hindi ko pa nga maamin yung namumuo sa munting puso ko nang hindi pumipiyok at nagmemeltdown na parang ice cream sa ilalim ng araw…tinatawag ka na nya agad sa first name mo! Kapal!
Tapos, heto't gagatungan ka pa ng isang weirdong pag-aari na halos ang buong Tomoeda pero ang ambisyon yata ay maging cameraman na si Daidouji Tomoyo. Sasabihin pang parang prinsipe yung si Eriol Hiiragizawa na mas maputi pa yata sa ate ko at ikaw ang prinsesa. Ang sarap tagain yang si Hiiragizawa, kaso sayang ang hasa ko sa espada ko kung gagamitin ko lang sa tulad nya.
Pero hindi ko pala kayang tumayo lang diyan sa tabi habang nagpapalipad-hangin sa iyo ang ubod ng hangin na tulad nya. Ayokong kunin ka ng iba sa akin, kahit na alam kong kahit kailan, hindi ka naman naging pag-aari ko.
Sinabi rin ni Daidouji na dapat lang na sabihin ko sa iyo ang nadarama ko. Nakakatakot yon, akalain mo. Ako, na kailanma'y hindi sinanay na makinig sa wika ng puso ko.
Dinagdag din ni Yue na nagustuhan ko ang kanyang alter-ego dahil lang sa atraksyon ko sa kapangyarihang buwan nya, at pinayuhan ako na makinig din nang mabuti sa puso ko.
Ang puso ko, na pinipi ko nang pagkatagal-tagal, ay hinayaan kong magsalita. At parang grade one, dahan-dahan, magiting itong inispell paulit-ulit: S-A-K-U-R-A.
Ang taong may karapatang magmay-ari sa pinaghirapan kong teddy bear.
Ang taong hinahanao-hanap ng puso ko.
Ang taong nagnakaw ng peace of mind ko.
Kinomoto, ikaw ang lintek na magnanakaw na bigla na lang pinasok ang alam kong pinid na pinto ng puso ko, ninakaw ito, at walang babalang lumisan. Kung alam mo lang ang pinaggagawa mo sa akin, babae ka!
Para tuloy akong bangag na hindi na alam ang gagawin pag naririyan ka na. Bakit ba kasi hinayaan kong umabot ang lahat sa ganito? Bakit hinayaan kong mahulog nang tuluyan ang loob ko sa iyo ng walang dalang parachute?
Alam ko naman na wala akong aasahan sa iyo, dahil si Yukito ang gusto mo.
Kaso, noong kinuha mo ang puso ko, pati ata ang 3 pounds ng utak na meron ako, kinuha mo na rin yata.
Because alam ko na kung uulitin muli ang mga pangyayari sa buhay ko, gugustuhin ko pa rin ang tumalon at magpahulog ng walang parachute, basta para sa iyo.
Why is the because?
Alam mo na ang sagot doon.
Why is the because?
You are cruel, Love. Why is it that with so many Eves in this world, even here in Tomoeda, why_did_I_ HAVE_ to_ fall_ for_SAKURAKINOMOTO?
Back then, I thought that when I met Tsukishiro Yukito, my world will revolve perfectly fine already, even if it did caused me a mountain of guilt. (What will my mother say if she finds out that her only son and clan head fell in love with a high school soccer player who had much more appetite than our farm animals back in my country? Even if it was awkward. Even if it was freaky.
But my stubborn heart is really the apex of foolishness. Ever since Kinomoto and I went back from our field trip to the cave, whenever I see Yukito, my heart leaps; with Sakura, it performs acrobatic leaps. When I talk to Yukito, I feel so light and floaty; with Sakura, I feel like I'm flying.
But here's the punch.
Whenever Yukito talks to Sakura, I feel like I'm suffocating. I feel so insignificant, as if someone is stepping on me already.
What do I care if their conversations are always bright and cheery? But this stubborn piece of organ within me makes me feel feelings I shouldn't feel, especially by a person with the blood of a Li in his circulatory system.
Face dark. I seem like the undertaker who is on the outside looking in because he failed to bring a skeleton key to enter the house of his victim. Furthermore, you get this almost undeniable urge to go there and punch someone to the pulp. My little, humble mind couldn't process my emotions anymore.
I think I'm a hopeless case.
My cousin, Meiling, had come and go. Damn, she could have sensed the turmoil of emotions within me too so she went back to China and didn't stay long here in Japan. But what the hell should I do? It's just that I'm used to looking out at you, Kinomoto. Back then, I used to do that because I was afraid you might pull out a dirty trick on me like hiding the Clow cards that rightfully belong to me (although between the two, it seems that I'm the one who has the greater tendency to do that). However, common sense says "People who have the same intention as mine when doing what I do DON'T BLUSH". Also, according to the Murphy's Law, the amount of denial is in direct proportion to the amount of the truth of the accusation. I categorically deny that, of course.
And anyway you were doing that on purpose. In the cave, I was practically calling you a coward and yet, what you did was to hug me in gratitude because I didn't disappear like the others. And then, when we were catching the Return Card, when you captured by that tree that could have been bound by black magic…you nearly frightened me out of my wits. Haven't you even thought of how I would explain to your gorilla brother that you were eaten by a demonic tree and I wasn't even able to do something to help you? I felt so stupid then. How could have I failed to do anything to protect you? And yet, when you were able to come back, instead of getting mad at me for my delayed rescue, you hugged me gratefully again for using the Time Card to get you back. Kinomoto, it must be a talent already, your ability to make people feel so guilty.
And back when you captured the Light and Dark card, I was pushing you away desperately and yet you still hugged me (which in turn gave me so many sleepless nights!).
I have a funny feeling that you're trying to seduce me.
But that's it. It's just a gut feeling. Ouch, I'm just too ambitious. Even the Dream Card spelled it to my face that I secretly fantasize that you…that you…
Kinomoto, do you still remember the final judgment? It was the most frightening battle of my life. I'm not frightened for myself, but for you. If you only knew how many times I cursed the name, "Yue" for making you suffer so much…especially the name "Li Syaoran" because this loser…me specific…wasn't able to do anything to help you.
But Kinomoto, when you were able to triumph over the cards, I didn't feel envy. If back then, the only thing important to me were the cards, now I'm just overwhelmed with joy and relief that you made it back to us safe. And I admired you more…so much that it started to scare me a little.
Your denseness, however, didn't wane, especially about things that are important to your day-to-day existence, which is the reason why I still didn't leave Japan even after the cards were all gathered.
For instance, when that foreigner dropped into the scene. Sonofagun, I haven't even manage to reach first base…I couldn't even admit the budding emotions within my small, young heart without squeaking and melting like an ice cream under the sun…he was already calling you by your first name! The nerve!
And as if this wasn't enough, the weird heiress that practically owned all of Tomoeda and yet who seemed to dream only to become a cameraman, Daidouji Tomoyo, would say that Eriol Hiiragizawa (who seems to have a fairer, more flawless skin complexion than my sister's) was prince-like, and you are his princess. How I would love to slash Hiiragizawa with my sword, but he is not worth the blade of my weapon.
But I couldn't just stand there and watch him flash his moves on you. I don't want anyone to take you away from me, even though deep in my heart, I knew that you never were legally "mine".
Daidouji also told me that it was only right to tell you my feelings. THAT is scary, you know. I, who had never been reared to listen to my heart.
Yue also said that I got attracted to him only because of his guardian sign, and he even advised me to listen to what my heart was saying.
My heart, long rendered mute, was finally given a chance to speak. Slowly, surely, it spelled repeatedly: S-A-K-U-R-A.
The person who had the right to own the teddy bear I worked so hard on.
The person my heart longs for.
The person who stole my peace of mind.
Kinomoto, you are like a thief who sneaked into the door of my heart that I long thought was locked, stole it, and left me in cruel suddenness. If you only knew what havoc you wreak into me, woman!
I'm like an addict who doesn't know what to do whenever you are near. Why ever did I let everything reach this point anyway? Why did I let my heart fall for you without a parachute?
I know that I shouldn't hope, because Yukito is the one your heart longs for.
However, when you took away my heart, you took along the three pounds of brain within me too.
Because I know that even if I'm reborn, I would still choose to jump down for you without a parachute. All for you.
Why is the because?
I know you know the answer to that.