~I don't own Cardcaptor Sakura~

I love Shaoran x Tomoyo fics! Yay for random pairings!

But please don't flame me for a reason like 'I don't like the pairing'! If you don't like it, you prolly won't want to read this fic. I don't doubt they'll be more than a little OOC, it'd be really hard to keep them in character and still pair them up (at least hard for me). But I'll try my best!

Oh, and its most likely really sappy and cliche and dramatic and stuff cause that's all I can write, it seems. I honestly think that sap should be a category. For all the lovely people that want to read goosh. ^_^

~~~~~Chapter 1: Lilac Soliloquy~~~~~

Tomoyo's POV

I'm beginning to see just how thin the line between love and hate really is.

When my mother was too busy to spend time with me, she was always there, smiling, making me feel a part of things. In school, I was always the 'quiet rich girl' and 'a little weird'; I never had many friends. I was too different... yet she welcomed me with open arms; she made me her friend, told me secrets. She could read my emotions. When I was sad, she always tried her hardest to make me feel better. Finding out that we're related only made her more important to me.

And the costumes! I always loved fashion, and she made the perfect model. It was like a child's game of playing fashion designer, dressing up dolls, but better- I had a real, live doll. She always let me videotape her wearing my creations. Maybe I had some silly dream that someone would realize my love of design, that I would find myself designing clothes rather than running my mother's business. I don't know. It's an impossible dream, anyway.

But Sakura's always been there for me. Somehow, she knows what's important to me and tries her hardest to help.

Why does she have to be so goddamn fucking *perfect*?

I know people think I'm in love with her. I even play along, sometimes, because I know they'll believe it. It's better than letting them know who my heart truly belongs to. That would just mess everyone's lives up.

I, Tomoyo Daidouji, am in love with Shaoran Li.

And that's something I can never say. I know he doesn't return my feelings. And I'd much rather he be happy than have my love returned.

I've always been that way. Maybe I'm just a masochist at heart. But I'm glad he doesn't love me, anyway. If he did, it would break Sakura's heart. And I can't be the cause of that.

I should have known things would turn out this way. The two people I love most, in love with each other. They're perfect for one another, happy together. And, honestly, I can't bring myself to be jealous of her; she's my best friend. I would never forgive myself if I destroyed our friendship.

It's no fun being a third wheel.

It hurts. It hurts that he will never love me, it hurts that I can't bring myself to be happy for my two best friends, it hurts when I see them together. I feel like I'm bleeding to death. I hate myself for letting this happen to me. But I can't help it!

People say 'talking about it helps'. But, whom could I talk to? There's no one I trust enough to tell, save Meilin or maybe Eriol. But Eriol is so far away, and Meilin's feelings about Shaoran...

What would happen if Shaoran found out? I don't even want to think about it! It would destroy our friendship.

It's easier to live with unrequited love. I'd rather suffer myself than hurt my friends. Oh, great, I sound like a martyr. I'm definitely thinking too much. If I stop harping on it, maybe it will be easier to deal with my crush on Shaoran.

After all, it *is* just a crush, isn't it? Isn't it?!

So, should I tell him or not? I could always make it seem like a joke, like I'm only half serious. I'd still be telling him, wouldn't I?

People are always telling me how much they would love to be me. 'You're beautiful,' they say. 'You have a charming personality.' 'You're so smart.' 'You have everything you could ever want.' They don't really know me at all. They don't know what goes on inside of me. They're just too shallow to realize that the me on the outside may seem entirely agreeable, but the me on the inside is miserable. She's definitely not as happy and innocent as they seem to think. She isn't beautiful, or smart; she's lonely, and angry with herself. She's a horrible person, in love with her best friend's boyfriend. And, of course, she's human, just like they are.

They see me smile, and think it's because I'm patient, optimistic. I wish I could be the Tomoyo they see, instead of the Tomoyo inside. The real me is nothing but a weak girl who has been hiding behind a facade all her life.

To confess or not? A question with a simple yes or no answer. Why is it such a freaking hard decision to make? I want to get it off my mind. But I'm afraid. Would it hurt more if I told him? Would it ruin everything?

I think it would; this scenario plays in my mind and haunts my dreams much more often than I'd like. Every time, I wind up with a broken heart; they wind up together, and I wind up alone.

I've heard that, by loving someone, you are breaking someone else's heart. I know that it's killing me to love Shaoran; he loves Sakura, and will never love me. And if he did love me, it would destroy Sakura.

Sometimes you just can't win.

It's not that I'm desperate for a boyfriend. I've been asked out before; I've always turned them down. Nothing really seemed to click; I figured I just hadn't met the right guy yet. Heh, how pathetic; in my twenties and I've never even been kissed.

Meeting the right guy... how long have I liked Shaoran, anyway? A week? A month? A year? ...Since I met him? Maybe.

At least since I convinced him to confess to Sakura... that hurt more than I care to admit. Ooh, bad, bad, bad. Am I really in love with Shaoran? Is this what love is?

If it is, it's definitely not all that it's cracked up to be. Somewhat equivalent to death by slow, painful torture. I'll take the bullet now, please.

Death... What would it be like if I died?

Would it destroy anyone to know that I'm gone?

Of course, my mother would miss me. I am her only child, after all, and I know she loves me, even though she's never had much time for me.

I know that Sakura and Shaoran would care. After all, it's been 15 years. 15 years since Sakura captured all the cards, 15 years since Shaoran confessed his feelings to Sakura. Since then, they've always been together. *We've* always been together. Sakura's determined to include me; I see the two of them more than I see my own mother. Well, that might not be the best example, considering I never see my mother. Anyway.

But friendship just isn't the same kind of love. Would anyone feel like a piece of their heart died with me? Does anybody need me that much?

15 years is a long time... much too long to suffer an unrequited love. Why is it so hard to give up on him? Why won't my subconscious give into reason? Doesn't it realize my mind is on the brink of destruction?

~~~~~lilacs represent the 'beautiful sadness of love'

~~~~~ambrosia signifies love returned

(I know flowers have lots and lots of different meanings- but these are the ones I'm going with, k?)

...don't worry! I promise I won't kill off Tomoyo!

~please review!