So all…this is my first try at parodies. If you like it I'm gonna make a series…the "Guys Night Out" series. I had help from a friend on parts of this so I share the credit. Oddly enough I got the idea for this while actually plating foos ball myself. All I can say is give me your opinion…and enjoy the mental eye candy.
Disclaimer: I own nothing of Tolkien's…I'm just barrowing them for a little fun.
The scene starts out in a slightly smoky room filled with overstuffed recliners and beat up couches. A mini fridge stands in one corner of the room and a foos ball table sits where there aren't any couches or chairs. One by one people start to fill the room. Aragorn and Legolas, accompanied by Gimli are first to arrive. Aragorn is holding a twenty-for pack of beer. He rips open the cases and begins to put them in the fridge. Legolas and Gimli sprawl in the recliners. A moment later Boromir and Faramir saunter in letting the door slam behind them. Boromir trips his younger brother before stretching full length onto a couch ordering Faramir to get him a beer. Faramir sullenly complies.
Eomer comes in with another six pack and if followed shortly by Elladan and Elrohir who were looking as mischievous as ever. Elrohir produced a box of cigars to a round to applause.
When the last of the beer was put in the fridge and everyone, with the exception of Legolas, was puffing contentedly on a cigar, Aragorn stood before all the men. Most were lounging on the couches, but the early comers were comfortably tilted back in the reclining chairs.
Aragorn: As you all know, we have Elladan and Elrohir to thank for the idea of "Guys Night Out" so let's give' 'em a hand.
*Everyone applauds wildly*
Aragorn: And with the help of Legolas, He and I have come up with the first nights activities, and it is… *Eyes scan across all the men and a dramatic pause resounds throughout the room* strip foos ball!
*Everyone is silent except for Elladan and Elrohir who jump up cheering madly*
Legolas: We'll explain how to play.
*Everyone else jumps up and cheers.*
Aragorn: Fist of all…no spinning, that's cheating and you all know that. The penalty for cheating is automatic disqualification and you have to dance for us. Now the rules…every time you score, your opponent has to remove an article of clothing. When your opponent has nor more clothes to remove you are declared the winner. You do not have to go all the way to ten points. Just until the other person loses. The men who win will compete with the other winners after the other are done. All right? The first people are Boromir against Faramir.
Legolas: remember, you don't have to go all the way to ten, just until Faramir loses.
Elladan and Elrohir point and laugh at Faramir while Legolas high fives Aragorn
Boromir and Faramir start. Sadly, Faramir is no match for his older brother. He quickly loses his over vest followed by his shirt. But lo and behold! He scores against his brother and Boromir removes his over shirt. It is a losing battle and the rest who are watching have hardly finished a beer before Faramir loses. Dejected and naked, Faramir retakes his place on the couch. Legolas tosses him a beer, although he shook it up before he pitched it to him. Boromir is slapped on the back and congratulated.
Legolas: The next pair are Eomer and Gimli!
Both take their places on either side of the foos ball table glaring daggers at each other. It is evenly matched against skill but the height factors are slightly in Eomer's favor. Seeing as how Gimli can hardly see over the table and would not admit to not being able to see. Due to this handicap Gimli is quickly disrobed and left to bear the shame and discarded beer cans that are hurled at him. He goes to sit next to Faramir. They both scoot a way from each other, afraid to be seen toughing and particle of skin in the presence of other men.
Aragorn: *Kicks a beer can out of the way before shouting over the laughter of the men.* Get ready and grab yourself another beer, 'cause here comes a show. The next pair are Elladan and Elrohir.
There is an equal share of cheering and booing as the twins step up to the foos ball table. Elladan and his brother take their places, both grin at each other. In any other case, they wouldn't have been pair up with each other, but tonight was special.
Aragorn nudges Legolas in the ribs with an elbow. Legolas raises his beer can to tap Aragorn's and they trade a silent wink.
The ball hits and the game begins. As the game progresses, the cheering dies down for they see something oddly wrong with the game. It's been fifteen minutes and neither has scored a point. It seemed as if they were reading each others next move. Everyone get's another beer and settles down to watch, convinced they one will score soon.
Aragorn swaps another wink with Legolas.
*a half hour passes.*
Elladan and Elrohir have scored one point each. Much to everyone's relief, Legolas steps up to the table and declares a tie. Much cheering in ensued.
Legolas: And now, the moment you've all been waiting for. The winners will get to paly the others.
*Everyone looks surprised, most raise and eyebrow and other pick up discarded beer can's threateningly.*
Eomer: Wait…aren't you and Aragorn gonna play? You can't cheat at rule you made up!
Aragorn: We most certainly could…but we won't. Unless you want to see another hour game, I suggest you let us pass.
*Aragorn and Legolas are pelted with a heave barrage of beer cans, cigar stubs, and clothing.*
Legolas: Wait! Wait! Aragorn and I will take off something before we beat the winners.
*The elf is showered with a slightly get furious volley of trash and dwarf clothing.*
*Both Aragorn and Legolas remove shirts and are now bare chested. (Permission to ogle girls ^_^).* Several requests for Legolas to dance are heard from the men.
*Legolas glares and obliges, tossing his shirt to Faramir.*
Aragorn: The first will be Eomer and Boromir.
The tension increases in the room…you can here the thought put into every move. The pile of clothes getting steadily larger. Eomer wipes the sweat from his forehead only to discover he is no longer wearing anything from the waist up…or the waist down. With a wail of defeat he falls to his knees…Boromir is the winner.
Boromir, who is wearing only socks struts around the room in a victory dance. The dance almost outdoes Legolas's…but not quiet. Although it goes on for quite some time.
Legolas: Nothing we haven't seen before Boromir, put it away.
Boromir: just 'cause you're jealous pretty boy… *Boromir moonwalks past Legolas*
Aragorn: *Holds Legolas away from Boromir* Anyhoo…with put further catfight-I mean conflict! The next pair is Boromir and Elladan.
Boromir: *Boromir stops dancing* crap.
Elladan: Oh you know it!
Elrohir: Go elves! Go elves!
What more do you want me to say…it's elf against man…figure it out. But I'll go more into it for you Boromir fans. Anyhoo…The chances of Boromir winning against Elladan is like waking up to a job you love…hopeless. He's doomed from the start. He quickly looses his shirt followed by the pants, which he takes a starling long time to get out of, and he's left to under clothes, under tunic, and socks. With astonishing speed he loses everything.
Boromir: *throws sock at Elrohir* I hope you choke on it.
Legolas: The next are Elrohir and Aragorn.
*Yells and cheers are heard from everyone.*
*Both brothers square shoulders and walk to their places*
Elrohir: You goin' down little bro.
Aragorn: You may be a few thousand years older than me, but there's still things I can do and you just…can't
The little ball that doesn't even look remotely like a soccer ball starts rolling around, announcing the start of the game.
*Legolas is competing with Elladan at distracting the opposite player.*
Legolas: Hey Elrohir, at least he can die, you'll have to live with the fact that a human beat you the rest of your life.
Elladan: Hey look, Arwen!
*Aragorn whips his head around. Ready to make up any excuse at all for being with a room full of naked men.*
But there is no Arwen, only the sound of the small hard ball scoring in Aragorn's goal. Aragorn sullenly removes one boot. The game really gets serious now. With shocking speed Elrohir is forced to at his own garments to the pile. The men hold their breaths as the ball rolls into the goal declaring…Elrohir the…LOSER.
Elrohir: I wouldn't sleep tonight if I were you human.
Aragorn: *Looks scared* Eru help me…
Elladan: Not even father with hear you screams like last time.
Aragorn: The next are Legolas and Elladan.
*Elladan and Legolas walk to their sides of the table. Both clutch the bars like a lifeline.*
It's elf against elf this time folks, and I'm gonna have fun.
*Spoken like an auctioneer* Legolas pushes the ball through the slot on his side…and their off. It's Legolas kicking it past Elladan and no it's blocked by the dark haired elf. It's back to Legolas and it looks like the pretty boys accidentally kicks it into his own goal and Elladan scores! Elladan enter the bal and their they go, it's Legolas, then Elladan, now back to the blond, the dark, the blond, and he scores against Elladan.
By this time the sweat from concentration is beginning to run down bare backs and chest. It's another score against Legolas and the blond elf removes his last boot. He's got only socks, pants, and under garments left.
Elladan is concentrating, no longer listening to the cheers. A quick succession of scores leaves him with only pants and undergarments left. Suddenly, Elladan hears a strange noise. It takes him a minute to realize that it's him, shrieking and naked, realizing that he'd lost. With a conquered sigh he drags with bare feet to sit next to his brother.
*Legolas does a victory dance to rival all.* (ogling time ladies.)
Aragorn: *Waits for silence* Legolas and me.
The room fairly shakes with the sound of the cheers, screams, and yells. With dignity befitting the royalty that they were, Aragorn and Legolas step up to take their places. Without the usual name calling or foolery, the game begins. The ball goes back and forth with speed to surpass Elladan and Elrohir. The normal cheering has died down and everything is totally silent, apart from the clacking of the ball against little soccer player. The intense conflict keeping all eyes darting after the ball. With both players soon unclothed but for socks (and I know you all have the picture in your minds…good for us ladies…disturbing for the guys) the tiny wooden ball bangs into the goal…and the last sock is removed. The silence is deafening.
Aragorn steps away from the table…he walks slowly to the front of the foos ball table. unhurriedly he draws himself up. Planting hands on hips, and standing to his full height, he puffs out his chest and widens his stance, tilting his head back so that the entire room get's a eye full. He has a slight smile on his face. In a voice only fit for a king of men, his words resound off the walls and echo in the room like a prayer…"I Win."