Disclaimer: We don't own Harry Potter or anyone connected to him. Nor do we own Motel 6 (thank God!!!)
Summary: Sirius and Remus try a romantic getaway'. Things do not go as planned.
Warnings: SB/RL *SLASH*, lewd jokes, strong language, OOTP spoilers.
Notes: By-product of insanity and boredom. Not to be taken seriously at ANY lengths. Percy's reconciled with his parents and Kreacher's dead. Mrs. Black is taken down (finally!) Yay!
Inspiration: Partly inspired by the movie , which is basically about two guys hunting for a place where they can get it on.
Just Wondering: Are there any Motel 6's in Britain? Even if there isn't there must be at least an equivalent of one. If there aren't forgive us!
~*Some Enchanted Evening*~
It was a dark and stormy night.
Well, not really. It was actually a sunny evening.
At Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place -
It's a little hot for those trousers, don't you think, Moony?
You read my mind, Paddy.
Sirius and Remus were engaged in their favourite pastime. Undressing each other. On the drawing-room sofa.
They were at a particularly important moment when the drawing-room door opened and Mrs. Weasley came in, followed by all seven of her children, Harry, Hermione, and Tonks. They stopped and stared in horror at the sight before them.
Sirius grumbled, zipping up his trousers as Remus hurriedly pulled sofa cushions into his lap. BLOODY HELL!
Mrs. Weasley was swelling visibly and turning an alarming shade of purple.
Now, Molly, it wasn't what it looked like, Remus said hastily, trying to hold the cushions in front of him and put his trousers back on at the same time.
By now, Mrs. Weasley was a shade of puce Uncle Vernon would have envied.
NOT WHAT IT LOOKED LIKE?! she boomed. YOU'RE TAKING - ER - UNDRESSING - oh, honestly! - DOING INAPPROPRIATE THINGS ON THE SOFA! YOU KNOW, OTHER PEOPLE HAVE TO SIT ON THAT TOO!
Ah, c'mon, Mum, what's wrong with a little public sex now and then? Ron asked teasingly with a stupid grin.
This, apparently, was the WRONG thing to say. Mrs. Weasley became even more incensed.
GET OUT !!!! she shrieked at the now-trousered pair, who hastily ducked out of the room and ran down the stairs. Mrs. Weasley chased them, screaming bloody murder and brandishing a huge sword that had been hanging over the mantle.
They ducked outside and Bill and Charlie rushed to restrain their furious, murderous mother.
A few seconds later, the door opened and Sirius came back in.
Um, this is my house, so..... you leave.
Mrs. Weasley's answer was an ear-splitting scream of rage. She hurled the sword at Sirius, who shrieked like a schoolgirl and dove back outside.
Thirty minutes later, the two forlorn pups were still sulking on Number Twelve's front steps.
You know, Sirius said suddenly. No one can SEE this house unless they KNOW where it is... so.... we could do it right HERE!
Remus overruled him. What if another member of the Order shows up? Especially DUMBLEDORE?!
Sirius fell into a daydream of sex on the front steps with Dumbledore watching. Remus' face contorted in disgust as he looked up at Sirius' thought balloon and then at his lap.
SIRIUS BLACK! YOU ARE DISGUSTING!
How about McGonagall, then?
I'd rather do it with SEVERUS!
Sirius blanched. I feel ill.
Remus glared at him awhile longer, then sighed. Well, what are we going to do, then?
His mate brightened. I know! We'll go to a motel!
Remus squealed girlishly. Yes, yes, love!
Sirius reached into his pockets and pulled out fifty Galleons. I think this should be enough!
As Sirius went to the exchange counter to trade his Galleons for Muggle money, Remus leaned against a counter and fell into a daydream of hotels. With all the money Sirius had, they could run off to a beautiful resort in Majorca for three weeks of sun and sex. Hot tubs, martinis, and thong underwear galore!
A goblin shot Remus a nasty look. He was so entranced in his daydream that he didn't notice the goblin's look or the fact he was standing in a puddle of drool. It was really disgusting.
Sirius returned and shook Remus gently. Love, you're dripping.
What? Oh... Remus took out his hanky and mopped himself up. All set?
His lover held up a bag with a dollar sign on it.
Then let's go!
The only way to get anywhere was to call a Muggle cab. It arrived ten minutes late and a surly, fat-faced driver poked his head out the window at them.
Where'ya going, blokes? he grumbled.
The nearest motel, Sirius chirped as he pushed Remus into the cab.
The cab ride was the most unpleasant thing Remus had ever experienced in his life, including the time he had been attacked by a pair of Peter's smelly boxer shorts. The floor was sticky, the seats greasy and stained, and Remus squirmed uncomfortably. He thought he was sitting on a spring.
It didn't help that the surly driver didn't shut up. Remus was forcefully reminded of the one occasion on which he had met Harry's Uncle Vernon; like Vernon, the cab driver liked nothing better to complain in a loud voice to anyone in the vicinity.
Y'know, I really don' like gettin' small tips, the driver said loudly. The other nigh' some bloke didn' even give me a tip. How d'you like that?
Remus, feeling very uncomfortable, made a small sound in his throat. Sirius noticed this, and took hold of Remus' hand. The driver, being the nosy git that he was, detected this. Blimey! You two aren't....you aren't together are you?!? the slimy man almost squealed.
Remus blanched, but Sirius, being the sometimes ditzy man that he is, grinned stupidly and nodded. Of course we are! Don't we just make the cutest couple?
Now, we all know that answer to that question would of course be yes, but to this greasy, surly cab driver...... that would clearly be the wrong answer. He stomped on the brakes so hard, you would have thought that there was someone in front of him whom he was trying not to hit. He whirled around in his seat, and for the second time that day, the duo was facing a swelled, purple, human being.
'Ow DARE you?! Tha' is completely and orribly wrong!! Tha' is disgusting! The driver, also, to Sirius and Remus' dismay, spat as he talked. Remus' eyes widened, and he crawled out of the door, while Sirius sat there, paling by the moment. Remus went around to the other side of the cab, opened the door, and grabbed Sirius by the wrist.
Yanking Sirius out of the cab seemed almost impossible. Finally, seeing no other way to get the attention of his lover, Remus hit poor Sirius. He hit him hard, right below the belt, but also above the knees. Sirius screamed, and jumped out of the cab, throwing what he thought would be enough to cover the fare into the cab driver's lap.
Hurrying to the side of the street so as to not get hit by the furious cab driver, the two lovers sat on the curb. Not knowing what to do, they just sat there, looking quite dejected.
Now what do we do, love? Remus asked Sirius.
The only thing we can do, Moony! We walk!! Sirius exclaimed.
Remus scrunched his nose up at the thought. Er...I don't think that's a wise idea, Siri...
But it was too late. Sirius was already halfway down the sidewalk, and the only choice Remus had was to follow. Hurrying down the street was a far cry from what they had intended to do earlier.
It was now nearing eight o'clock at night. Though it was summer, the sun was down. Remus was even more uncomfortable walking down a dark street than he was in the cab with the enraged driver. He caught up to Sirius, and was walking along the street when he realized that they were being followed. He turned to Sirius, and whispered his thoughts to him.
Don't be daft, Remus! There isn't anybody following us! At this moment Sirius turned and realized that it was he who was being daft. Standing behind the two lovers were two women, and one man.
The woman standing closest to Remus sidled up to him and took his forearm.
Come on baby, I know you want to come back to my room. she said. She gave him a pouty look, and pulled a terrified Remus towards her. The man walked around behind Sirius, and grabbed his lovely behind. Sirius, having been assaulted twice in the past hour, screamed.
He turned to see who'd touched him, and was greeted by a lovely sight. It was a man with long blonde hair and the lightest blue eyes Sirius had ever seen. He was wearing skin-tight silver trousers, and a light purple boa around his shoulders. The man flicked one end of the purple boa towards Sirius. Sirius caught the end, and pulled the man closer to himself.
Remus was now being cornered by both women.
Baby, you are so adorable! I could just eat you all up! the other woman said with a wink, as she licked her lips.
Sirius, on the other hand, was too busy snogging the man, who'd introduced himself as Curtis, to notice Remus' squeaks of fear.
Remus squealed. Sirius turned from Curtis.
What is it, Remus? I'm kind of busy right now! Sirius said in an exasperated voice.
SIRIUS BLACK!!! WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE BUSY!?!?! YOU AND I!!! NOT YOU AND THAT.... THAT.... MAN-WHORE!!! Remus raged, as he all but spat the words out.
Sirius looked taken aback, while the man gasped and pretended to look wounded. Sirius turned to Remus. You know, we could always take this healthy young man back to the room with-
Sirius was cut off as a scream of rage was heard from Remus.
NO! NO! NO! NO!!!! Remus grabbed hold of Sirius' arm, and dragged him away from the man, practically running to get to the motel. They finally reached the doorway, and Remus turned to his lover. Siri-love....that really hurt me! How could you snog that man right under my nose!?
Remmie! Did you see him? He was beautiful! Of course... he'll never be as beautiful as you, but... he had this.... appeal to him-
Sirius... stop while you're ahead, please. Let's just go into the hotel and be happy pups.
Sirius looked at Remus as the words sunk in. Remus.... this isn't a hotel. It's a MOTEL. M as in moose! I hope that's okay with you..... I don't have enough Muggle money left to pay for a hotel. I used most of it on the cab.
Remus looked as though a bomb had just exploded behind him. What?! M-Motel?! He jumped off the steps and goggled at the sign above the doorway. It really says motel. Sirius! You fiend!! Remus' eyes were starting to cloud over.
Sirius got his wits together and spoke softly, Remmie... love? Let's... go in. It might be better than what you expect.
All right. Remus gave in. They walked into the motel and looked around.
If anything, it looked like it was owned by a nudist colony.
They looked around, taking in the different types of people there. A couple of people were dressed modestly. One or two people were totally naked. And then there were the half-dressed, totally desperate people who looked like they needed a room, and fast. Deciding to be brave, Sirius went up to the front desk, Remus clinging to him desperately. Upon getting closer to the desk, they saw a sight which they should not have seen going on behind the counter. Sirius' eyes grew as big as saucers, and Remus made an odd strangled noise.
Er....EXCUSE ME SIRS! We would like a room, please!
The two behind the counter stopped in mid-action, and looked over to the couple.
Um.... we're a bit busy... if you could just wait a few moments it would be delightful.
Sirius nodded at Remus who turned and fled to a nearby couch that looked clean. They sat and said nothing, waiting patiently for the two men to finish their business. Remus turned to Sirius. I didn't know people could contort like that...
Me neither, love, me neither.
After what seemed like hours they heard someone calling to them.
Oi! You two. On that couch over there! They stood, and went to the desk quickly.
Er, we'd like...a room, sir. Sirius muttered. The man nodded and handed them a key.
Room 669, Floor 3. The lifts are to your left. Please remember to check out, at which time you'll have to pay. Have a nice night! the man ended cheerfully.
Remus turned and prodded Sirius in the back, Love, let's go!!
They hit the lift button and waited for it to come. The doors opened, and who should they see but Curtis and his two women!
CURTIS!!! HOW... LOVELY... TO SEE YOU AGAIN!! Sirius.... let's go! NOW! Remus tugged on a reluctant Sirius, and they headed towards the stairs. They walked up the stairs hand in hand as Sirius hummed to himself.
So, Remmie... what do you want to do first? Sirius asked mischievously.
Siri-love!! I want to wash up! I'm afraid of what we may have been sitting on!
But, love, you know we're only going to get all dirty and sweaty again.... why bother to wash up?
Remus sighed in exasperation. Because I want to look at least halfway presentable for you.
Fine, fine, fine. Remmie-chan, I just want to be with you! You know I love you no matter what you look like!
Remus sighed again, but this time with a trace of amusement. They finally reached the room and Sirius threw open the door with a flourish, Let us welcome ourselves to this lovely suite for tonight's.... how shall I say... events!
Remus paled considerably, Yes, Sirius, thank you for that.... announcement... to the world..... He strode past Sirius and into the room, looking to the right and seeing the bathroom. Dear, I'll be in there... why don't you get a bit more comfortable in here.
Will do! Sirius yelled gleefully as he took a flying leap onto the bed. Remus went into the bathroom and shut the door, standing in the darkness for a few moments, leaning against the door wearily. It seemed like such hard work just to find a place to be with his lover. He turned on the switch and looked around, only to wish that he'd left the light off. The floor was a putrid green colour with grime between each small tile, and grime on the tiles. There was so much grime Remus couldn't be sure that the green colour of the floor was the actual colour. The walls were a pretty dark red colour, but Remus thought it looked a bit too much like dried blood to be happy with, and it clashed horribly with the green floor. Remus looked up and wished almost immediately that he hadn't. There were spider webs and bits of toilet paper stuck to the ceiling, and he also noticed a peculiar little hole in the corner of the room. He wanted to investigate the hole, but to do that he would have to get into the shower.
He decided against that for the moment and went over to the mirror to check his face. The mirror was cracked, with many pieces missing. He went to reach for a bar of soap to wash his hands, but there wasn't any! He turned on the sink. At least the water was clean... He rinsed his hands and reached for a towel, but there wasn't a towel, either. Remus turned to the shower and reached out to pull back the curtain. His hand twitched a bit, and he threw back the curtain and squeaked. Hanging on the shower head was a hot pink thong with yellow polka dots.
He looked down as he made to step into the shower and let out a horrified scream. There on the bathtub floor were at least a dozen cockroaches! But still.... he decided that the hole was too alluring, so he stepped up onto the edge of the tub and creeped over to the corner. He looked into the hole, and saw... a camera!! Remus screamed once again and jumped back. He stood quivering in the corner, wishing he was anywhere but there.
Meanwhile, Sirius was lying spread-eagled on the bed, studying the bed-linen. The blanket was orange with brown and yellow flowers, but the sheet underneath was blue and the pillowcases were white and scattered with purple cats.
I might be some kind of no-smarts guy, but none of this bed-linen matches, he said to the empty room, then wondered who he was talking to. He could hear water running and footsteps in the bathroom, so he supposed Remus was getting on all right in there. He sat up and looked around the room.
There was a greasy television directly across from the bed. One of its aerials were broken, and there didn't seem to be a remote. Sirius patted the blankets and peeked under the bed, looking for it, but finally giving it up as a lost cause. Remus was still in the bathroom. Sirius sighed.
Bored, bored..... bored.... he sang to himself, looking around. Then something on the nightstand caught his eye.
Vibrating Bed - 10 p.
Sirius crowed in delight, scooping some change out of his pocket and shoving it into the coin slot. With a creak and a groan, the bed began vibrating. Sirius laid back and enjoyed it for a few minutes.
Remmie'll like this, he said happily. The bed was rather loud, but Sirius really didn't care. It felt nice, anyway.
But then Sirius realized with alarm that the bed was shaking much too violently. He sat up, but was shaken back down by the bed, which was making noises the like of which Sirius had never heard before. True, he wasn't too familiar with Muggle contraptions, but he was pretty sure there was something wrong with this bed!
Crack! Crunch! With squeals of metal and many crunching noises, the bed pulled itself free of the floor! Sirius yelped. REMMIE! HELP!
The bathroom door flew open and Remus stood, gaping, at the sight before him - his lover sitting on a bed that was quaking so violently it looked as if it was located on a fault line. With a thrill of horror, he realized that the bed was no longer bolted to the floor, and was moving steadily across the room!
Sirius screamed, clinging to the headboard. Pillows bounced off the bed, and it looked as if Sirius would be next! But then -
The bed bumped into the wall with such force that it actually made a long crack appear in the wall. As Sirius clung to the bed, bawling for help, the bed continued to bounce off the wall. Plaster began showering down from the wall as the crack widened, first tiny chips, but soon followed by large chunks, until -
The bed smashed straight through the wall and into the next room. Sirius screamed like a little girl, and Remus followed the bed, shrieking.
Just then, the money in the vibrator ran out.
The bed stopped bouncing. Sirius, wide-eyed, clung to the headboard and tried his best to breathe normally. The next thing he knew, Remus had dived onto the bed and was squeezing him.
Oh, love! I thought you'd get hurt! Are you okay? Remus asked tearfully, stroking his lover's long hair and trying to comfort him. Sirius just nodded numbly and allowed himself to be petted and stroked.
Ahem! If you're done, would you mind going back to your own room, chaps?
Remus and Sirius jumped at the sound of that voice and looked round. Lying in the other bed was none other than Gilderoy Lockhart, his arms around a curvy girl with long, curly red hair.
Lockhart glared. Gladys and I are trying to get a little privacy! Now, what do you suggest?
Feeling somewhat comforted that they had at least burst in on a witch and wizard, Sirius and Remus mumbled apologies and used magic to put their bed back in their room. Unfortunately, there was nothing to be done for the poor wall, which looked beyond any means of repair. Lockhart sighed irritably, but Gladys wrapped herself in a sheet and dragged another one over to the hole. Using a quick fastening charm, she hung the extra sheet over the hole, then poked her head around it.
I hope you know a good Silencing Charm, lads, because neither Gilderoy nor I am very good at them! With a quick waggle of her fingers at them, she disappeared around the sheet again.
All done, Remus said, climbing into bed beside a naked and impatient Sirius. I put about sixty Silencing Charms on that wall, we should be okay....
Sirius said absently, already having relieved Remus of almost all his clothes. Now we can get to what we came here for.... about seven hours later than I like....
Oh, do stop grousing. Now we can spend about seven more hours doing what you want.
With no interruptions, Sirius drooled, tossing aside Remus' last sock.
Remus giggled as Sirius tickled him, and reached over to turn out one of the lamps beside the bed. Oh, stop it! ..... mmm..... that's lots better..... he murmured as Sirius' hands dipped lower. That's it, keep going - wait a minute, what's that?
I think you know what that is, Sirius said coyly, moving closer.
No! I mean that noise!
Sirius stopped and listened. Rustle, rustle.
Must be something in here, we shouldn't be able to hear what's going on next door, Remus frowned.
Sirius shrugged. Dunno. Even with Silencing Charms, motel walls are shamefully thin.
Remus pushed his lover off him and sat up, looking around the room with a bewildered look on his face. Rustle, rustle. Sirius yawned. He couldn't understand how Remus could become so easily distracted from sex. He pouted, pooching his lip out in a very sexy way that usually turned Remus' knees to water; but Remus ignored him.
Be quiet, I'm listening!
Both Sirius and Remus jumped; at first Sirius couldn't figure out what had made his lover scream, but then he looked in the direction Remus was looking - the floor.
Huge, black, disgusting cockroaches were creeping out from under the bathroom door and stealthily making their way across the floor. Both men shrieked in disgust, and started throwing their pillows and shoes at the cockroaches, who scattered and regrouped next to the bathroom door.
Oh, they're horrible! Remus cried fearfully. What are we going to do?!
Hold on, I have an idea! Sirius leapt out of bed and hastily pulled on his jeans and boots. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a handful of change, which he dumped in Remus' lap. Here! If they try and come after you, throw it at them! I'll be right back!
And with that, he darted out the door.
Sirius pounded down the stairs and into the lobby, were there were still quite a few people. He slumped, panting, over the desk, ignoring everyone in the lobby who was drooling over his tight jeans and cute arse.
I need a bag of ice, he panted to the guy behind the counter.
I'll say you do, the guy replied seductively, noting Sirius' mussed and sweaty appearance. Getting along quite well, aren't you?
There's cockroaches in my room! Sirius cried in exasperation.
Oh. Well, they're to be expected, love. Not much to be done about that.
I can't screw my boyfriend when there's COCKROACHES CRAWLING OVER THE BED! Sirius screamed, then saw everyone in the lobby staring at him.
The counter guy rolled his eyes. Ice machine's out back.
Sirius moaned unhappily and ran out the back door, not even stopping to watch when he passed Curtis - er - offering his services to a very gorgeous man with long brown hair. He found the ice machine, a dilapidated-looking thing that looked as if it had been dropped off a hundred-story building a few million times. He fumbled some money out of his pocket and stuck it in the machine, expecting the door to open once he did. But the door refused to budge.
Sirius growled, tugging fruitlessly at the door handle.
Having trouble, my dear?
Sirius thought he was having a heart attack. He whirled around to see a tiny, wrinkled old man standing behind him, leaning heavily on a walking stick. He was squinting at Sirius with a lecherous grin on his face.
Uh... hi, Sirius said weakly.
You're quite a one, my dear, the old man wheezed, backing Sirius against the ice machine and running his hand down Sirius' chest. Hm.... a little flat, but you're quite pretty....
Uh.... thanks, Sirius said warily, taking advantage of the situation to give the ice machine a kick. Um... look, I really have to be getting back to my boyfriend....
He won't miss you, dear, the old man said huskily, his hands now coming dangerously close to the low waist of Sirius' jeans. Sirius blanched. Evidently this man thought Sirius was a girl!
No... really... he wants the ice.... Sirius gave the machine another kick and could have kissed it when the door flew open, spilling bags of ice all over the ground. He slapped the man's hands away from his zipper and pointed at a nearby telephone pole. Look, she's cute!
It worked just like he wanted. The old man couldn't see well enough to tell that the pole was a pole; he whirled around and peered at it. Sirius scooped up a bag of ice and escaped, running back through the lobby (taking a flying leap over Curtis and his customer) and up the stairs.
He burst into the room to see Remus standing up on the bed, a sheet wrapped around his hips and a few pence clutched in one hand. The cockroaches were still cowering near the bathroom door, change scattered around and among them like land mines.
Oh, good! Remus cried in relief. I'm almost out of money!
Sirius took off his jeans and boots and climbed into bed with the bag of ice. Remus plopped down beside him and watched as his raven-haired lover ripped open the bag of ice and chucked a large chunk at the cockroaches, who fled under the bathroom door.
Better, isn't it? Sirius asked.
My hero, Remus purred, snuggling close and licking Sirius' cheek. I think you deserve a reward.
I think so too, Sirius grinned.
Remus ran a teasing finger down Sirius' chest, then along the inside of his lover's thigh. A big reward.
Remus pretended to think as he started doing absolutely wonderful things to Sirius with his hand.
You could keep doing that, and never stop, Sirius said breathlessly.
I could.... or I could try something else.....
Remus leaned close and whispered in his mate's ear. I may be talented with my hands, but I'm even more talented with my mouth....
Hell, yeah, Sirius gasped hoarsely. Yeah, that sounds just perf-
Both men jumped, and Sirius screamed in pain as Remus' hand gave an involuntary squeeze. Remmie, let go!
Remus did, and stared at him with wide eyes. What was that? he squeaked.
groaned Sirius. Geez, next time you're gonna get scared like that, be sure you don't have your hands on my -
What is that horrible smell? Remus cut him off, holding the blankets to his nose.
Ugh. Smells like a sewage plant, Sirius muttered, wrinkling his own nose.
Remus wailed, pointing at the bathroom door.
A steady flood of foul-smelling sludge, mixed with dead cockroaches and slimy lumps, was beginning to seep out from under the bathroom door.
Oh, nasty! Sirius cried. I think the toilet just exploded!
As if on cue, the door burst open and Mr. Weasley entered, looking harassed. He jumped at the sight of Sirius and Remus lying in bed and turned redder than his hair.
Oh! Sorry, lads - er, just got a report a toilet exploded in here - never expected I'd run into you two - er..... sorry...
Really, Arthur! his wife's impatient voice floated in from the hallway, and Remus and Sirius exchanged terrified glances. They jumped out of bed (Mr. Weasley blushed even darker) and began fumbling for their clothes, but they weren't fast enough.
There's no time for chit-chat, you really need to - Mrs. Weasley stopped dead as she entered the room. Sirius froze with only one leg in his trousers and everything hanging out for the world to see; Remus squeaked and bent his knees in an attempt to make his t-shirt cover his essentials. Mrs. Weasley was swelling visibly and turning purple.
SO THIS IS WHAT YOU DO ALL DAY, EH?!!
Remus and Sirius burst into tears.