OK so reasonably recently, on one of my other song parodies, someone complimented me on not parodying a rap song. Yes, Eminem parodies have been done millions of times before. My boyfriend is that rare thing - an intellectual Eminem fan - who'd be horrified if he knew what I'd done to this, his favourite song. So yeah, perhaps I should have ignored the Parody Bunny and gone about my way... But the thought was so tempting once I had it. I'm sorry. I'm truly sorry... And yes OK, I mispelt Umbridge's first name the first time I posted this.

Disclaimer: I don't own Umbridge or the Real Slim Shady. I also unashamedly use Rhymezome.com when I can't think of a rhyme for something.

Miss Ziona, would you kindly be quiet whilst I make my speech? I've spent a long time working on the rhymes. And I'm quite offended that you claim I've somehow stolen this from that dreadful Muggle Slim Shady. What kind of name is Slim anyway?

The Real Dolores Umbridge

Hem hem! May I have your attention please!
May I have your attention please!
Will Dumbledore's fanclub please shut up?
I repeat, will Dumbledore's fanclub please shut up?
I'm going to get angry now...

You act like you've never seen a pink cardie before
All starting to snore
Like I'm mumbling nonsense you'll just ignore
I'm a Defence teacher much worse than before
Books you'll be forced
Lessons you just can't endure
No wandwaving
"Ah, wait, no wait, she's kidding
She didn't just say what I think she said,
Did she?"
And You-Know-Who said –
Nothing you idiots! You-Know-Who's dead!
He was killed by that Scarhead!
Slytherin students love this Professor
Gotta love the woman D. Umbridge
"We love her style, look at her
sentencing Potter to who knows what
Cause he talked about You-Know-Who"
"But Potter's so cute though"
Dumbledore's got a couple of screws in his head loose
Won't let me hook up CCTV in the bedrooms
All my spies in Hogwarts to be let loose
And stop you all reading the Quibbler for your news
"The Dark Lord killed my Mum, the Dark Lord killed my Dad
The attention that I'm getting makes me feel so glad"
And that's the message we listen to from someone who's stark mad
And wonder why the ministry's problems are so bad
Of course the reputation of the Minister is bad
Cause we're giving a voice
To a brat who wants attention, aren't we?
He's nothing but talking,
Well I'll be walking
Examining Hogwarts and inquiring
Cause Dumbledore's reputation is expiring
And there's no reason why you shouldn't find the man Fudge inspiring
If you find this paranoia tiring
Students stop your boastful prose, listen to what I propose...

(Chorus)

Dolores Jane Umbridge, yes, I'm the real Umbridge
All of Fudge's rules I follow, no point taking umbrage
So will Dumbledore's fan club please shut up, please shut up, please shut up

Dolores Jane Umbridge, yes, I'm the real Umbridge
All of Fudge's rules I follow, no point taking umbrage
So will Dumbledore's fan club please shut up, please shut up, please shut up

So the rest aren't allowed to interrupt the Headmaster
But I am, so hem hem, and listen up
You think I should be mad about Harry
Half of you fangirls want to have his babies and get married
"But Professor, what if it's true, You-Know-Who is back?"
What? You want to end up like Sirius Black?
Hell, I'm much more worried about a fangirl attack
So I'll question Ginny Weasley and Cho Chang
And work out who that Potter kid is most likely to bang
Little brat, sees dark wizards on Muggle TV
"Yeah he's mad, but his scar's so cool, hee hee"
If the Ministry was under my decree
I'd show the world the greatest liar you could see
I'm sick of your little Dark Arts Defence groups
I'll make an announcement with a purpose to end you
And there's a million people fearing You-Know-Who
Who don't know who, who are just following I-Know-Who
Whose words aren't true, and all his fangirls too
Who should listen up to someone else, and I know who...

Dolores Jane Umbridge, yes, I'm the real Umbridge
All of Fudge's rules I follow, no point taking umbrage
So will Dumbledore's fan club please shut up, please shut up, please shut up

Dolores Jane Umbridge, yes, I'm the real Umbridge
All of Fudge's rules I follow, no point taking umbrage
So will Dumbledore's fan club please shut up, please shut up, please shut up

I'm sensible to listen to
Because I'm only telling you
Things the Ministry has cleared to be taught in the classroom
I'm so much different from that werewolf Remus Lupin
A halfbreed and all, so I'm not going to let you use your wand at all
Just get the book and read it
And you had better believe it
They know it better than you poxy little students can
And you wonder why I hate all thought original
It's funny because at the the rate you're going,
When you're twenty you'll be in Azkaban for crimes a-plenty
Spreading stupid rumours when you're longing for attention
And you'll mention that you wished I had just put you in detention
So every single person should pay me some attention
But you all act like I'm Professor Binns, you love the Weasley twins
And in the corridors, running and screaming you love Dumbledore
With his speeches that you all encore
So will Dumbledore's fan club shut up
To Umbridge all raise your hands up
And be proud to be out of the madness bred in this school
And one more time, loud as you can, say Umbridge rules...

Dolores Jane Umbridge, yes, I'm the real Umbridge
All of Fudge's rules I follow, no point taking umbrage
So will Dumbledore's fan club please shut up, please shut up, please shut up

Dolores Jane Umbridge, yes, I'm the real Umbridge
All of Fudge's rules I follow, no point taking umbrage
So will Dumbledore's fan club please shut up, please shut up, please shut up

Not singing along Potter? I think it'll be another week of detention for you.

Now review, or it'll be detention for you too!