By: Elly and the Gundam Wing Fan
Disclaimer: The same always applies. We two authors are pretty much broke and without many material possessions. Fan's extensive collection of eating utensils has increased in size to include a pair of chopsticks, but that does NOT mean we own the copywrites to Gundam Wing, Valkyrie Profile, or any random copywritten item we place in this story. On a side note, with the new addition of Fan's chopsticks, he has decided to put his spork up for auction on E-bay. If you need a spork, do contact him. Anyway, yadda yadda, on to the story.
"Arise, Lenneth! For we have use for you once again!" I opened my eyes to see the surroundings of Valhalla, and my friend Freya, from the time of the Ragnarok. "Odin beckons you. You have slept for quite some time."
I followed the goddess to Odin's chambers, wiping the remains of sleep from my eyes, and wondering just how long 'some time' is. Valhalla looked identical to how it did when I gathered Einherjars for my Lord Odin during the days of destruction.
I let one of my hands trace the old familiar walls of this sanctuary. The tapestries still hung in their positions… perhaps a little faded since last I gazed upon them. In time, my good friend had led us both to Odin's chambers. I lowered my eyes in the utmost reverence.
"My Lord," Freya announced. "I bring you the Lady Valkyrie, newly awakened at your request."
I raised my eyes and saw... Odin. I saw Odin, wearing tinted sunglasses, platform shoes, hippy shorts, and a big yellow smiley face shirt with the logo 'peace' written on it. I could not contain my shock and a gasp escaped me. "Odin?"
"What's the matter, dudette?" The god looked at me over the top of his sunglasses.
"What charm has befallen you, Lord?" I took a step towards the bewitched deity with caution. "This is why you have sent for me, is it not?"
"Charm?" Odin sighed. "Get with the times, baby! The year is After Colony 199..."
"After Colony..." I failed to find a reasonable digit to match my calculations. "How long have I been in slumber, then? What new happenings have I missed?"
"You've been gone for twenty-thousand years, Lenneth." Freya shrugged, as if it was no consequence.
"Twenty-thousand?! Why have you neglected me so?"
"We had no need for you. The Ragnarok has come and gone... and your initial usefulness as well."
The look on my face must have been amusing, for Odin cackled. He pointed at me, multiple bracelets, rings, and other jewelry dangling from his hand.
"We do still have purpose for you, baby!" His jewelry clanked. "You're still the best gal for finding cool people to keep me company."
"What are you suggesting?" I knelt, awaiting holy orders.
"I need warriors!"
"Yes! A new war has broken? I'll find you the most powerful souls I encounter..."
"Do that, darling. I need a new cook, a new maid, and a new gardener."
I started. "You said warriors."
"Did I?" Odin looked at Freya hopefully. "That stuff must be kicking in again, Freya."
"What stuff?" I became confused. "Are you sure you have not been cursed, My Lord?"
"Nothing to worry about," Freya explained. "Do what Odin wants."
"He requests servants!" I wailed. "My role in life is to recruit warriors! Where is the nobleness in hiring servants?"
"Calm down." The other goddess addressed me. "At least you're not still sleeping. If you refuse this chore, we could always send you back into slumber."
The threat was appalling. "But this is no worthy cause!"
"Are you declining?"
I considered. At the rate history had progressed in the last twenty-thousand years, there would probably never be a holy war again. If I were sent back to sleep now, they would likely never wake me. I had to accept. "A cook, a maid… and a gardener, then?"
Odin nodded, gleefully. "And try to find some nice people. I'm tired of all these cranky gods hovering around."
"Alright." I huffed, truly unhappy.
Wow. The progressions that the Earth dwellers had accomplished were truly amazing! Now, they occupied the stars, and built amazing machines to do their bidding. It was almost like each mortal was a god, owning land and robot servants alike. I marveled at how far they had come... and yet I was still exactly the same as so long ago. They probably couldn't remember the war I had devoted my entire existence to. Oh well... let the search begin.
I honed my skills, concentrating on that place deep inside myself that senses the end of a valiant soul's life. Almost immediately, I was engulfed in a sea of voices, calling out their final words, pleading with the heavens. The multitude of departing souls surprised me until I remembered how many mortals existed in this new era. I focused my attentions, trying to find a suitable companion for my dear, confused Odin.
And then, standing out from the crowd of deaths, I sensed someone who filled Odin's request. This must be the nicest person living... excuse me... dying in the Universe! And Odin did specifically say he wanted niceness. I turned all my attention to this final scene. I had witnessed countless deaths... this would only be another one.
"I get to go on another peace talk!" The blonde kid exclaimed, clasping his hands together. "This is so great! Will I have time to mention the cows?"
"No, Quatre, we're done with that." His friend replied. Ah, so his name is Quatre.
"Nobody seems to realize how important the cows really are." Quatre pouted. "They provide so many wonderful... well they... they're CUTE!"
His friend sighed, obviously sick of this train of thought. "Let's go, Master Quatre."
The two grabbed their coats and began walking to the door. Before they could make it though, Quatre stopped short. "Ow!"
"What is it?"
"I stepped on a... tack!" And then he promptly died.
"You died from that?" I greeted the newly deceased in a darkened place of my choosing. "How could that possibly have killed you?"
"Died?" Quatre seemed to recover from the whole death thing rather quickly. "Where is this? Who are you?"
I love doing this part! "I am the Lady Valkyrie. I am here to claim your soul. You will follow me to Valhalla, where you shall spend eternity with the gods."
He stared at me, unimpressed.
"That's not how you're supposed to respond!" I stamped my foot. "Gasp or something!"
"Are you one of those cow haters?" He narrowed his eyes.
"... ... ..." How could this be happening? "NO! You're supposed to tremble in my presence! Get it right you... stinking mortal!"
"I'm sorry. Now tell me what's really going on."
"You died! You stepped on that tack and fell over dead! I'm taking you to the afterlife!"
Quatre seemed to consider this idea. After a few moments of intense thought, he paled. "Really?"
He promptly fainted. If there were a second afterlife, I would have worried about him dying again from shock.
Quatre grumbled as he pulled a heavenly looking weed out of some heavenly looking soil. He grumbled as he poured some heavenly looking water on some heavenly looking daisies. Being dead SUCKS! He never guessed they would send him out to do yard work! But that hippie Odin guy said so, and it seemed that nobody dared to cross him. Quatre grumbled as a heavenly looking mosquito bit him.
Odin was so happy with me! That new blonde kid was perfect for the gardening position. Now I just had to find two more. I decided to search for the cook. That task shouldn't be too difficult, considering the sheer mass of inhabitants living... I mean dying... in the mortal world. So I turned my attention to food in general, searching for a candidate for Odin's kitchen.
Ah, there's a bunch of food! Popcorn and cotton candy and all that kind of good stuff. I bet I'll find a real good cook here.
The stadium was completely full. Everybody was cheering at all the acts, enjoying the circus performance.
"And now ladies and gentleman: Catherine and a clown!!" The audience cheered as the two announced entered a ring.
"You're going to regret acting like that!" Catherine muttered under her breath, so that the clown could hear. "You ruined that whole party, and had nothing to even say for yourself!"
The clown didn't reply.
"You just make me so mad some times!" She held up a knife, preparing for the act. "Now hold still, and let's get this show over with."
The knife sailed across the air, embedding itself into a plank... right next to the clown's head. The audience roared.
"And the way you ignored all my friends," She launched another knife. "You are down right anti-social!"
"Hey, don't kill that guy!" A voice from the audience warned.
The clown didn't blink, or make any conversation.
"And even now!" Catherine continued throwing the projectiles, beginning to be very angry. "You're ignoring me!"
"Argh!" She threw three knives at once... and then stopped short. "Hey Trowa? Trowa? NOOOOOO!!!! Trowa!"
Well, at least it was nastier than that last death I had witnessed. The clown appeared before me, looking bored.
"Whatever," Trowa interrupted me. "Valkyrie, right?"
"Uh... yeah." I replied. "How do you know that?"
He just stared.
"Okay... can you cook?"
Even he was surprised at that ridiculous question. "I thought this was the afterlife."
"It is." I grimaced. "We're just kind of short on help."
Trowa glared at me. "May I make a request?"
"You want me to cook for Valhalla, right? That's where you're from?"
"Can I go to Nifleheim, please?"
"What?" I stared at the strange person. "Don't you realize Nifleheim is a place of eternal agony and despair?"
"You did say cooking, right?"
"Nifleheim it is!" And his mind was made up. How could I argue with that?
"It must be all those benefits they're offering these days." Odin took a puff off a cigarette.
"Nifleheim has... benefits, My Lord?" I couldn't believe what I was hearing.
"Oh yeah. You see, they just weren't harvesting enough souls to keep the place running so about eight-hundred years ago, they started this program."
"What program?" I had a feeling I didn't want to know.
"Free dental, medical... you know. Three weeks paid vacation… your own little plaque with your name on it. Baby, they've even got a continental breakfast."
"It sounds like a resort hotel!" I snorted.
"Well it has worked. People just don't go for the whole 'paradise' deal anymore. Plus, Nifleheim's got an indoor pool."
The conversation lingered in my head as I searched for a new cook. I had felt especially sick when I heard about the weekend 'Bahaman' special that Nifleheim offered. What had the heavens come to while I was away? But my mission was to find a suitable chef, and I would not fail Lord Odin! Regardless of how... strange that 'weed' stuff he keeps smoking is. I concentrated, feeling the cosmos pass around and through me as I peered through the hearts of the dead or dying. Trust me, if you ever see an opening for my job… turn it down. All this death, blood, agony, hate stuff sure wears on a person after a while.
After a short time, I found someone.
"Heeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrooooooooooooooo!" Even from my lofty position, the girl's shrill voice left my ears ringing. "Don't DOOOOOO it! Hee~ro!"
"Go away." A youth in a massive machine I had never witnessed yelled back at the girl. "Or I'll blow you up, too."
"Hee~ro! Come back to me! You have so much to live for!" She cried out.
"Like what? Listening to you everyday for the rest of my life?" I felt Heero's pain. That fate was worse than being condemned to Nifleheim... er, well, the OLD Nifleheim anyway.
"But..." She cried out. It was too late, though. The entire scenery disappeared, along with the machine Heero had been riding. A fiery end is always entertaining.
I quickly popped a CD into the dark space. 'Behave Irrationally' began to play, depressing as always. The two I had witnessed appeared, dusting themselves off.
"Your fate was cruel." I sympathized.
"Thank you for your concern!" The girl said.
"Not you. Your fate was cruel, to be stuck with this annoying slob, Heero."
"I know." Heero looked at me seriously. "She's Relena Peacecraft."
Relena looked confused. "You finally did it, didn't you? You killed us! You big JERK!"
"This is rather serious for a subtle word like 'jerk,' Relena Peacecraft." I looked down my nose at her.
"I warned you." Heero grinned. "I've been warning you for years!"
The couple quarreled angrily. I remembered why it was that I never brought two people at the same time... this kind of crap. "Shut it, newly-deads!"
"Newly... weds?" Relena looked joyful. "We're married!?"
"She said deads!" Heero said quickly. "Newly-deads. I killed us, remember?"
"Oh." She was disappointed. "So what happens, now?"
"You will be cook and maid to my Lord Odin." I announced. "And we um... do offer a dental plan!" I added the last hopefully.
"Heaven has a dental plan?" Relena looked momentarily glum, but brightened with her next statement. "Then there must be cavity producing junk food in heaven, too! I LOVE chocolate!"
"Er..." I didn't want to lose two more prospective recruits. "Actually... Nifleheim apparently raided all the chocolate four-hundred years ago..."
"Oh." Relena sniffled. "Donuts?"
"Three-hundred years ago."
"Seventy-three years ago."
"Forty-five years ago."
I shook my head.
"Well in that case," Relena glanced at Heero. "In that case, what do you have?"
"All we have is a box of crazed weasels."
"Okay," Heero and Relena smiled. "We'll take that."
"Quatre!" Relena greeted the fellow dead man happily. "I had no idea you died!" She said the last bit with supreme joviality.
"We're still clearing that up." Quatre has a variety of heavenly looking weeds stuck to him. "I'm contesting my death."
"Contesting it?" Heero looked at him. "You died! Wake up and smell the heavenly looking roses!"
"But I decided I hate flowers! Plus... there're no cows here." Quatre shook his head and a cloud of heavenly looking dirt rose from his hair.
"It's lovely here!" Relena twirled. "I get to be a maid! I'm going to make beds and stuff like that!"
"How can you be so excited?" Heero said. "Our new jobs are boring. I don't want to cook stuff for those weirdos. I also hate to think that the 'big' god is a refugee from the seventies."
"Well... he is a little odd." Relena conceded. "But we'll be fine! Especially since we're all here together. I am so happy to see you, Quatre!"
"You're happy to see that I've died?" The gardener wailed. "You must be one of those people who laugh during funerals!"
"Hey!" A voice was accompanied by rushed footsteps, approaching the three friends. "Who are you guys?"
Heero looked at the arrival with severity. "We might ask you that…"
"Oh, I'm Lawfer!" He waved a moment and then stared at Quatre. "Hey!"
"What?" Quatre glanced around. "Do I still have heavenly looking soil on my face?" And then he realized, too. "HEY!'
"HEY!!!" Lawfer replied.
"HEY!!" Quatre pointed.
"What the…" Relena looked at them. "What are you guys doing?"
"You stole my character design!!!!" Lawfer accused Quatre. "You look just like me!"
"Well you sound just like me!" Quatre replied.
"They do look alike." Heero admitted. "How'd that happen?"
"You're an imposter!" Lawfer narrowed his eyes. "What do you have to say for yourself?"
"I am not an imposter!" The gundam pilot gasped. "I am an original me! What's up with you?"
Lawfer became indignant. "I just think I deserve a little respect! I fought in the great war of the gods!"
"Well, I fought in the war of the colonies!"
"I have defeated countless mythical beasts!"
"I've bested a hundred soldiers… by my self… at once!"
"Well, I… I… I," Lawfer stopped for a moment. "I will cut open my own hand!"
Everybody sweat-dropped. "What's that supposed to mean?" Heero glared. "What kind of freaky place is this, anyway?"
So how was I supposed to know that Heero Yuy has no cooking capabilities what so ever? I mean seriously, he can do just about everything else! I guess it doesn't matter anyway… Odin wishes for me to continue my searching for a world-class chef. I'm really beginning to resent these little jobs… humph. I wish Odin would come to his senses… wait! What's that? Could it possibly be… a real chef? I'm going to look into this one.
"Please let me have it! Please?" He was a longhaired kid, begging with some crusty looking guy for something. "That scrap will complete my collection!"
"Your collection of junk?" The other replied sourly.
"This isn't junk!" He swung his arms unnecessarily. "You just don't know how to appreciate good materials!"
"This is a junk yard, Duo! And this is a worthless piece of scrap metal."
"I know! Isn't it perfect?!" Duo seemed to be a strange one. I was beginning to question whether I had found anybody worthwhile after all.
The dealer looked exhausted. "Fine. Take the crappy thing."
Duo snatched the metal excitedly, twirling in a few circles while appreciating… I don't know, its rust, or something? "Finally! I've finally got 'em all!"
"Yeah… you've got a full collection of worthless crap." The other sighed and marched away.
Unnerved, Duo bounded to his heaping pile of metal. I'll never understand what he saw in that… but it really was quite a sight. It must have been at least twenty feet tall, glittering like a hundred crushed cars, or old silverware. Duo approached the hill of trash joyfully, tossing the final addition to the top of the bunch.
"My collection is finally completed!" Duo did a victory dance, but for the time being, let's refer to it as a death dance, shall we? I guess the vibrations of his revelry were just a little too much for the mammoth tower of scrap metal. The whole structure leaned to a dangerous angle. Duo gave it a worried look.
It's moments like these that really stick with you, no matter how many deaths you've witnessed. I will always remember as the mass tilted and shook, and Duo realizing- too late- that he might be better off running from his ultimate collection. It was beautiful in a junkyard kind of way, a wave of shining objects forming a sea of metal. It wasn't long before Duo was lost in the abyss, and was reduced to mashed potatoes.
I sanded my fingernails lazily, blowing on my hands occasionally. Duo appeared, confused, before me. I shook my head with distaste. "Would you please explain to me, why you created that mountain of filth that just snuffed out your life?"
"Wha?" Duo dusted himself off, although dirt does not travel the distance between the living world and the dead.
"You've efficiently committed man-slaughter upon yourself. What is it with this generation?"
"Well… at least I can rest peacefully, since my collection is complete!"
I tossed my nail file away. "What does that matter?"
"It took me five years to build that thing, Lady!" His eyes glistened with appreciation. "Not everyone has that kind of accomplishment under their belt before they die!"
"…" Alright, I don't understand this kind of nonsense at all. "Whatever. Can you cook?"
"Never learned how."
"Too busy building your junk empire, correct?"
"Can you do anything marginally useful?" I seriously doubted it.
"I can make some really nifty shadow puppets! See?" He held up his hands in an awkward position. "This is a kitty!" His hands shifted deftly. "And this is the empire state building! And this is a cow!"
"I'm afraid that you're just not what I had in mind." I sighed as Duo flexed a single index finger, claiming the corresponding shadow was a worm. "We just have no openings for someone with your… talents right now."
Duo stopped the shadow display. "So what does that mean?"
"It means you're off to Nifleheim. Don't forget to pack a lunch!" I waved sweetly. "Goodbye!"
"And this end goes on this side of the bed, and…" Relena held up the bedspread with distaste. "This comforter is weird… and ugly."
"What 'cha doin?" A girl with a really big forehead entered the chamber.
"I am making this bed." Relena responded. "And I'm busy with all my chores. I don't have time to speak."
The girl fumed. "Hey! Watch how you speak to a true princess, servant girl!"
"Princess?" Relena straightened the bed spread once again, and this time it looked correct. "Do you have any idea who you're talking to?"
"Yep. You're the random maid, fixing the bed. And I am Princess Jelanda, war heroine, respected matriarch, and all-around-most-beautiful-person."
"Hmm. All-around-snob is more like it."
"Watch your tongue, servant! Where do you come from anyway, to harbor such terrible manors?"
"I am Relena Peacecraft! Former princess of the Sank Kingdom."
"What?" Jelanda sniffed. "The kingdom sank? Who would build a castle on water? Hehehehe."
"The name of the kingdom is Sank, you annoying person. I'm surprised a princess such as yourself wouldn't be educated in current historical matters!" Relena pulled a feather duster from behind her back and began dusting the bedposts.
"I think it is far more surprising that a princess is working as a maid. That sort of disproves your lofty claim, hmm?"
Relena ignored the obnoxious youth as she 'accidentally' dusted Jelanda's face.
"Ahh!" The shorter princess squealed. "What do you think you're doing, idiot?!"
"Ooops!" The maid covered her face in mock sorrow. "I thought your face was a really ugly plant for a minute! I'm terribly sorry, but you probably get that a lot, huh?"
"Why you!" Jelanda snatched the duster violently and shook it in Relena's direction. "I am a first grade mage knight, so you'd better watch how you behave!"
Relena responded with a light smack across Jelanda's nose. "I'm not scared of you!"
"You have truly asked for it, peasant!" The mage began twirling a previously non-existent staff with vigor. The other girl grabbed her broom and prepared to whack whatever she must with it.
"You wouldn't dare cast a spell on me!" Relena snarled.
"Then don't hit me with that broom!"
The face-off continued until Jelanda broke loose with a barrage of fire lances. Relena retaliated with the broomstick, landing several devastating blows on her foe.
"Huh?" The sorceress lowered her staff timidly. "Aaaaaarrrrrnnnnnngggggrrriiiiiiiiiiiimmmmm! Come help me!"
"Heeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrooooooooo, save me!" Relena wailed.
As if they had been standing outside the chamber door, waiting for their beckoning, Heero and Arngrim appeared in the doorway. They stared at the girls first, and then each other.
"What?" Heero asked.
"This girl is casting spells on me!" Relena whimpered. "Look at all the damage she's already caused?"
"What?" Arngrim asked.
"She hurt me!" Jelanda gestured towards Relena, and then to a microscopic scratch on the tip of her nose. "Do something about it!"
"What, you need someone to kiss it and make it feel better?" Relena stuck her tongue out. "Teach her a lesson, Heero!"
"What? Defend me Arngrim!" Jelanda shivered.
"You new here?" Arngrim addressed the perfect soldier.
"You want to go get a drink or something?"
The warriors left, chatting about battles, and other such manly things. Relena and Jelanda watched them leave with open mouths.
"How dare they…" The mage breathed.
"Men." Relena shook her head. "Worthless, aren't they?"
"Absolutely!" Jelanda shook off the shock. "Hey! Do you want to go shopping at the local heavenly mall with me?"
The princesses left, chatting about fashion, and other such girlie things.
"Trowa Barton… director." Duo read the plaque on the door with interest. He knocked abruptly, and then entered.
Trowa sat at an expensive desk, signing paperwork and reading important materials.
"Trowa?" Duo said. "When did you die?"
"Not too long ago." Trowa signed another paper without looking up.
"Same here! I was bowled over by a pile of priceless metal!" Duo cringed at the memory.
"What brings you here?"
Trowa signed one last paper and looked up. "You know what?"
"Nifleheim is currently in economic position to overthrow Valhalla once and for all. I thought that might make a good business transfer."
"You mean war with the other heaven?" Duo crinkled his nose. "Why?"
"Why not? We could turn Nifleheim into the ultimate afterlife experience!"
Duo considered. "Okay! Let's start a heavenly war!"
"No way, baby!" Odin stared over the top of his cool-dude shades.
"It's true." Freya glanced at me nervously. "Nifleheim is attacking us with everything they've got! It's a full-scale war! And quite frankly I don't think we have the manpower to win this one."
I realized the opportunity. "Yes!"
"Aren't you being a little to enthusiastic about our eminent defeat, Lenneth?" Freya scolded me.
"Excuse me, but I'm prepared to gather heroic souls at a moment's notice!" I exhaled excitedly. "Do you require this, my Lord Odin?"
"What about my chef?" Odin wailed.
"Dinner can wait, if you want to win this war!" I exclaimed. "Let's shift all our forces into the military reserves. Freya, will you handpick some of the finest soldiers to accompany me on my quest to gather Einherjars?"
"At once, Valkyrie!" We both hurried out of Odin's quarters, as he wailed at us about dessert and bunny cakes.
"I am looking for the one they call Wufei." I rarely made physical visits into the living world, but felt this was a necessary time to drop by. "Have you seen him?" According to Heero, Relena, and Quatre, Wufei would be an excellent addition to aid us in the war. I came to this location seeking him.
"You no here to play bingo?" A Chinese man addressed me with a bow.
"No bingo. Where is Wufei Chang?"
"Uhm… you sure no bingo?"
"Bingo much fun, helmet-lady! You no know what you missing!"
"FORGET THE BINGO!!!!" I wailed. "How about you tell me where the heck Wufei Chang is? Do you understand me?"
"Ahhh…" The Chinese man looked at a few of his counterparts around the room, each engaged with an intense round of bingo.
"He died!?!?!?!" I slapped my forehead. Was this a wasted trip? "How did he die?!"
"He have heart attack, fall out of window onto exploding bomb, and was run over in a shooting accident." He explained with solemnity.
"Eh? All of that?"
"One thing for sure." The Chinese man clasped his hands honorably. "He very strong."
"And top-notch bingo player to boot!"
It wasn't hard to locate the wandering soul after that. I introduced myself to Wufei.
"Stupid woman." He replied.
"Show a little respect!" I was tiring of these difficult recruits. "I'm giving you a chance to keep fighting! To create justice for the afterlife!"
I could see I was getting somewhere. "Oh the injustice of those evil Nifleheim-ers!"
"The injustice! Who could be so evil?" Wufei made fists.
"From our sources and internal spies," I cleared my throat. "The leaders go by the names of Duo and Trowa."
Wufei released his fists. "What!? INJUSTICE! You are mistaken, Valkyrie. Those two are my comrades."
"Well, they're waging war against Valhalla… think of all the innocent lives- I mean deaths- that will suffer if we don't stop the war!"
"Hmm. I will fight for justice!" I almost expected some super heroic music to accompany Wufei's proud expression.
"How are these warriors, Lenneth?" Freya pointed at a lineup of warriors for me to inspect.
"Hmm." I stared at the soldiers. "Are you ready to give your lives… uh… deaths to this cause?"
"Anything to get out of the heavenly looking garden!" Quatre cast a heavenly looking weed to the ground and stomped on it until it was heavenly looking mush.
"Mission accepted." Heero glared at the heavenly looking mush.
"That heavenly looking mush was defenseless!" Wufei screamed. "Heavenly injustice!"
"Would you shut it about the heavenly looking mush?" Quatre stomped on it a little more to show his point. "Heavenly looking plant life is heavenly freaking stupid!"
I sweatdropped. "Are you sure these three are the finest for the job, Freya?"
"Well they are the most heavenly looking I could locate!" She grinned a heavenly looking sly smile.
"Well then… let's send out the first wave! Who are you bringing on your own team my friend?"
"Arngrim, Lawfer, and Jelanda." Freya nodded at her chosen accompaniment.
"They served me well when it mattered." I nodded. "I'm sure they will be very valiant."
"Who are you to declare heavenly genocide against heavenly looking plant life?" Heero roared at Quatre.
"Don't start heavenly arguing with me! You didn't have to slave away in the heavenly looking garden like I heavenly did! You didn't have to heavenly do anything! You just got to sit around and play heavenly looking video games with Arngrim all day!"
The argument had been droning on the whole time.
"You apologize to that heavenly looking mush's heavenly looking family right now, unless you want to incur my heavenly wrath!" Wufei snarled.
It wasn't the last time I would question the abilities of my new team.
"They are retaliating I see." Trowa read a message from the frontlines. "Valhalla has more of a war force than I assumed."
"Why don't we just send in the big guns?" Duo watched the fighting with interest. The two were perched behind the first wave, monitoring the action.
"Yeah, you're right." Trowa pressed a button to activate an intercom. "Fluffy, get in here."
"I am not Fluffy!" A static filled voice responded.
"Bloodvane, Trowa… it's Bloodvane…" Duo identified the voice.
"Anyway, Fluffy…" Trowa continued.
"I AM NOT FLUFFY! I WILL CRUSH YOU!" Bloodvane threatened.
"Listen, Fluffy, would you please be professional. This is a war after all."
"You'd think getting people's names right would fall into the professional category." Duo stared at his friend. "Repeat after me… Bloodvane… Bloodvane… not really that hard… just Bloodvane."
"Okay, whatever Fluffy."
"Eh?" Duo took a double take. "My name's Duo! Absolutely not Fluffy!"
Trowa looked serious. "Well, I know we have at least one Fluffy around here… what do you prefer… Fluffy?"
"Okay… fine." Duo took the intercom in his hand. "Hey Fluffy, you're taking long enough to get over here!"
"I AM NOT FLUFFY!!!!!"
"What is that thing?" Quatre pointed to a lumbering shape, mauling several of the Valhalla soldiers with ease.
"Whatever it is, it is not heavenly looking at all." Heero ended the current battle with a well-placed stab with a sword he had 'borrowed' from one of his opponents.
We were caught up in the heat of the battle. I led them all with expertise, familiar with this type of war. "Come to me, dark warriors. Battle awaits us."
"There's a monster out there!" Wufei announced. Everyone turned to watch a few of the heavenly team fly up into the air, obviously thrown by something with incredible force… and un-fluffiness.
"Bloodvane!" I gasped. "I thought I had defeated that vile creature!"
"Bloodvane?" Quatre cast a shield spell with a mage staff. "That does not sound good."
"It's bad." I ordered my three warriors to assume their battling positions. "This guy's tougher than a thousand enemies!"
"Sounds like fun." Heero shrugged.
Without warning, Bloodvane appeared before us, shouldering some weaker forces out of his way.
"Your sins lay heavily upon you, defiler of-"
"I AM NOT FLUFFY!!!!" Bloodvane interrupted me with his frighteningly deep vocalization.
"Eh?" I lowered my sword in confusion.
"I AM BLOODVANE! I WILL CRUSH YOU! PRISMATIC MISSILE!"
"Get out of the way!" I warned my loyal Einherjars. "Prismatic Missile is freaking nasty!"
The arrows rained down upon us, destroying our defenses quickly.
"Way to go, Bloodvane!" Duo observed the battle from his safe area.
"That Fluffy is pretty good." Trowa nodded. "Hey… who is that down there?"
Duo focused on the figures being devastated by the recently cast missiles. "That's the Valkyrie. She has no appreciation for good shadow puppets."
"Not her!" Trowa glared at Duo. "Those other guys!"
"Let me guess," Duo smiled. "There's some guy named Fluffy down there, right? You seem to know a bunch of Fluffys."
"I wasn't going to say that!" Trowa was angry. "Those three look familiar…"
Duo's smile disappeared as he recognized the other gundam pilots. "We sent Fluffy… I mean Bloodvane to destroy our friends!?!?!?!"
"I wasn't aware they had died." Trowa looked impressed. "Why wasn't I invited to the funerals?"
"Maybe we died first?" Duo watched Bloodvane cast another of his freakishly powerful attacks. "Maybe we should call Bloodvane off?"
"Okay." Trowa made use of the intercom once again. "Fluffy, would you mind discontinuing the pummeling for now?"
Bloodvane's voice responded. "THAT IS THE LAST STRAW! MY NAME IS NOT FLUFFY AND YOU'D BETTER PREPARE YOURSELF FOR THE AFTER-AFTER-LIFE!"
"Why does Fluffy have to get into these moods?" Trowa looked depressed.
Duo looked frantic. "Trowa, Bloodvane's coming over here!"
I didn't know what to think when the beast retreated… except for maybe relieved. There was no way we would have been able to defeat that beast even if we had the whole army assisting us.
"Why's he leaving?" Wufei snarled. "I was about to turn him into heavenly looking mush!"
"NO MORE HEAVENLY LOOKING MUSH!" Quatre looked as if he might pull out some of his heavenly looking hair. "You couldn't have beaten that guy anyway."
"He's attacking his own troops!" Heero observed.
In the far-away distance, a voice was heard. "Fluffy, would you knock it off?"
So we won the war… or should I say, Bloodvane won the war. I hear he has a pretty nice home by the beach now, where nothing is fluffy at all. That of course was bought from the late-late Trowa Barton's war expense account, but I can't think of anybody who's more deserving of the cash.
"Have I not served you well, My Lord?" I bowed before Odin, awaiting all the praise I was bound to receive.
"Uhm… sure, whatever. Way to go, babe." Odin replied.
"Isn't victory pleasing?"
"Well… let's just say it isn't the best way to do business… you almost messed up my reputation in Nifleheim for good!"
"What do you mean?" I was suddenly realized that another one of Odin's inconsistencies was about to strike me.
"Well, the deal almost didn't go through after that little war stunt of yours!"
"What deal? What is going on!?!?!?!?"
"Valhalla just isn't worth maintaining anymore, sweetheart! We sold out! Nifleheim owns all the shares to the joint!"
"No! You couldn't have! How has this come to pass, My Lord?" I felt like weeping.
"Just good business, darling! And I'm not Lord anymore. You can call me High-Chef Odin now. Wanna buy some bunny cakes?"
I woke up to find the television still on, and the nightmare fading from memory. What can I say? That's the last time I plan on watching a Gundam Wing/Monty Python marathon.
I fluffed my fluffy pillow, sighing with relief that the whole escapade had been a product of my over-active sleeping subconscious. And then I drifted into a better dream, without gundam pilots or bingo playing Chinese men to haunt me.
GWFan: Let's give up some heavenly looking applause to our newest completed fic!
Elly: (Applauds) I know it was pretty cheap to end the thing as a dream, but I can't end a fic with all the pilots dead… not with a clear conscience anyway.
GWFan: Darn… does that mean the bunny cakes were just a dream, too?
Elly: Unfortunately, yes. And to everybody who wonders why Trowa had that moment of insanity… eh… here's GWFan to explain.
GWFan: Well… wouldn't you be acting pretty loopy, too, if you'd been hit in the head with a bunch of knives?
Elly: Ouch… I guess I would. Anyway, our heavenly looking e-mail address is DancingMoogle@hotmail.com and we always love to get all kinds of fluffy responses about our stories.
GWFan: Well, that wraps things up!
The Gundam Wing Fan and Elly walk off into the heavenly looking sunset, talking about fanfics, and other author-ly things.
Thanks for reading!