TITLE: Not Easy Being Green
AUTHOR: Doctor Strangelove (email@example.com)
DISCLAIMER: All the Nintendo stuff belongs to Nintendo. And I guess Bill Gates owns Bill Gates.
"Not Easy Being Green"
Written by: Doctor Strangelove
It was a calm and peaceful day in the Mushroom Kingdom. Everything was going along smoothly and nothing was out of the ordinary. The Toads were going about their business, the Yoshis were enjoying their fruit, and the Goombas were… well, doing whatever the hell Goombas do.
Oh, and Peach had been kidnapped by Bowser, but that was no big deal. Mario would rise to the occasion and save her by any means necessary. Be that using mushrooms, leaves, Yoshi, caps, weird water cannon things, or even aligning himself with strange little cloud people. Yes sir, Mario would use just about anything to get the job done.
"I'm sorry, what?" Shigeru Miyamoto paused his description of the latest Mario game to address Luigi's outburst.
"Whose-a in this-a game, Shigeru?"
"Well," Miyamoto thought this over, wondering where the green-clad plumber was going with this. "Mario, of course."
"Of course." Luigi grumbled.
""Mario, Peach, Bowser, Toad. The Goombas, the Koopa Troopas, the Boos, you know, the usual villains. And there's Yoshi, Bowser Jr., and we'll be having the first 3D Mario game with Wario in it!" At that Wario stood up from his chair at the table where all the Nintendo characters were seated and laughed as he thrust his arms in the air.
"And that's-a all?" Luigi asked.
Miyamoto though for a moment. "Yes, that's all."
"No. Who else would there be?" Miyamoto asked, not noticing the glare on Luigi's face.
"Hmm. I don't-a know. How 'bout-a Luigi!?" Luigi thundered.
"…Oh." Miyamoto stood there, unsure of what to say to appease Mario's younger brother.
"You see! Even in that last-a sentence; not Luigi, but-a Mario's younger brother!
"I get-a treated like-a dirt at this company! Sure, I get to play tennis and-a golf and attend parties, but when was-a the last time Luigi was in a game? Mario Is Missing? Bah! Stupid edutainment game! And Luigi's Mansion? Sure, it was-a fun, but all everybody complained about was-a that it wasn't a new Mario game! I haven't been playable in a real Mario game since 1990!
"You know what-a? I'm so tired of this! I deserve-a better.
Luigi turned and stormed out of the meeting room, but Miyamoto shouted after him. "Wait, don't go…oh, um," He turned to Daisy. "What's his name again?"
Luigi poked his head back into the room. "I'm-a Luigi. Fuck-a you!" And with that, he left the Nintendo building and was off on his own.
Luigi wandered the streets, wondering what he was going to do. He knew that quitting Nintendo was the right thing to do, but now he was out of a job. Where would he go for money and food?
"Well, I suppose-a I could always go into the pizza business." Luigi muttered to himself, and then thought, "Or maybe plumbing."
"That won't be necessary." A dark voice said from the shadows.
"What?" Luigi turned about looking for the owner of the mysterious voice. "Whose-a there?"
"Just a friend." A man stepped out of the alley. "Just a friend."
"Who are you?" Luigi asked, beginning to get a little scared.
"Don't you know? I am Bill Gates!" At the utterance of his name thunder clapped and lighting shot out of the sky.
"How did you-a do that?"
Bill Gates smiled, "I'm a very rich man, Luigi. I can afford my own personal special effects."
"Hey, I know-a you. You're-a that man who runs Microsoft. Shigeru warned us about you."
"Oh, I'm not so bad." Bill Gates smiled again. "I'm just an honest business man and a good guy. Here, have ten thousand dollars." He handed Luigi a large stack of bills.
"Wow! Thank-a you!" Luigi quickly took the cash, glad that at least his money problems were solved.
"Now, you see, Luigi, you can trust me. Now I have a little proposition for you." Bill Gates leaned over and whispered his idea in Luigi's ear. "Well? What do you say?"
Luigi though about what the man had just told him. Shigeru had always warned Luigi and all the other Nintendo characters about the evils of Bill Gates and Microsoft. Could he really trust him?
Luigi smiled. "I'll-a do it."
A few days later, Shigeru Miyamoto was shopping for groceries and still wondering what to do about the Luigi situation. Then he saw it.
Shigeru dropped the basket he had been carrying good in and picked up the magazine. Luigi's smiling face stared up at him from the cover of Electronic Gaming Monthly. And he had his arm around Bill Gates.
LUIGI SWITCHES SIDES!
MICROSOFT ANNOUNCES THEIR NEWEST GAME
STARRING MARIO'S LITTLE BROTHER
Miyamoto could only blink in shock. "Oh shit."