June 14th Wednesday
What should be the most wonderful week of my life is not turning out quite as I had planned. Potter is leaving. There should be a damn celebration. Actually, there is a damn celebration, but not exactly what I was hoping for. Was thinking a goblet of laxative-spiked pumpkin juice and an obstacle course on the way to the men's loos might have provided more entertainment that splashing burgundy rubbish all over everything and carrying Potter around on a ceremonial litter. But I think the Creeveys are upholstering the vehicle as I write, so it's probably too late.
It is also ever dampened by the fact that Miss Granger is leaving, and have not yet made affections known to her. Will take care of that tonight. Perhaps I can borrow Lupin's victrola and some of his cologne. I hope Hermione won't recognize it. And if she does, I'll kill him. Gently. And keep the cologne. Wonder if she plans on keeping her school uniform?
Oh Merlin, Hagrid's here.
Hagrid seems intent on poisoning the whole of the student body. Can't say I blame him, but I would have given him a slap on the back of it were intentional. Sadly, it is only from sheer idiocy. He has a new pet, a large spider the size of his overlarge hand, and, for some reason, was quite literally bursting at the seams to show it to me. Opening the door to him did not reveal a pleasant sight, by the by.
But as soon as he stepped into my chambers he proffered the black arachnid and shoved it straight at me.
"I was thinkin'," he eloquently began, "that since you want to seduce 'ermione and all, thachya might wan'...wan' somethin' to give her."
Examined the ugly creature that was sitting still on Hagrid's outstretched hand. My reflection was glimmering in its eyes.
"Women like stuffed animals and flowers," I replied. "Not venomous monsters."
"She's no monster!" Hagrid, predictably, yelled in reply. "And 'ermione, well, she's a special one, in't she? She's not really a...a stuffed animal sorta girl."
"You should leave," I said, trying to shove him away and avoid the spider at the same time. It was no easy task. "You have no idea how difficult it is to replicate your dialect in my journal."
"Your journal, eh?" He scratched at his beard, seemingly unaware that I was trying, and failing, to literally push him out of the room. "That the one that Dumbledore was passin' 'round at the last staff meeting?"
"Yeh...don't think you were there. No, come to think of it, you weren't. You were off in Bermuda, I reckon. You really shun't be writin' smut about your students, Severus. Dumbledore might like it, but the resta the staff thinks it's a bit disturbin'."
Oh Merlin, oh Merlin.
"So, er, you should take 'er. I think she likes you, anyway, so yeh might as well."
It was then that I felt a sharp, stabbing pain in the back of my neck.
"Blimey!" Hagrid yelled as he smacked me aside like a doll. The spider flew in the same direction, but farther, and, after sitting, slightly stunned, for a moment, promptly disappeared underneath one of my bookshelves. "Sorry 'bout that, professor. She does tend to get a tad friendly, time to time."
"Friendly," I growled. "Yes, I could tell."
"You might wanna go see Poppy 'bout that, too. The bite's not too bad, but it has some nasty side effects. An' if everything works with Hermione t'night, you should probably keep the bits away, 'fessor, 'cause when you get bit like that, they tend to shrivel up like prunes. Well, g'luck. See yeh t'night, maybe."
Have set up several spider traps around chambers, not still no sign of the monstrosity. Afraid to summon it as it would surely fly straight at my face.
Embarrassing visit to Madam Pomfrey elicited a shocked look at my testicles, a lot of giggling, and a bottle thrown in my direction. I swear I will never visit the hospital wing again.
Three hours until the feast. Hopefully sensitive side will be in full working order by then, and Pomfrey will have managed to keep her mouth shut and not go talking to Hooch about my Amazing Shrinking Testicles.
I hate my job.
Most of the time, anyway.
But now I have a former student to seduce.
June 15th Thursday
Drugs given freely to students: 1 (legal)
Mission accomplished. Managed to pull Granger away from her spotty entourage and proclaim all sorts of funny feelings for her. Did quite well, I think. Dumbledore will be proud, especially as he has undoubtedly been charting the progress of our relationship since he stole my diary.
I mean journal.
But did not exactly turn out as planned. At beginning, was everything dreamed it would be. Managed not to quote CosmoWitch or various articles floating around the girls' lavatories. Kissed her and sat her on the desk, laid her down, and she suddenly screamed. No, I still had my pants on, but it seemed Hagrid's eight-legged friend had made it from my room to my office and had promptly bitten Hermione on the bum.
She didn't stop screaming. Of course, it distracted me from killing the monster and it managed to escape, but had to throw Hermione over my shoulder and carry her to hospital wing. Would have been romantic and manly if she hadn't been screaming right into my ear.
Thankfully, a hefty dose of pain-killing potions made her stop and gave her a very pleasant disposition, though I think she has left the hospital wing with the wrong idea and a faulty memory.
Possibly will be rumors going around school that I am a slut.
Well, it could be worse.
Year in Review
Alcohol units: Oh, millions
Phallic gifts received: approximately seven, though I think that's up to interpretation
First Years Terrorized: 289
Number of bottles of shampoo received: 42
Number used: 2
Order of Merlins received: Zip
Number of times publically embarrassed by Dumbledore, a Malfoy, or self: countless
Number of times fallen in love: Once
Number of resolutions kept: Absolutely none
At least I'm not dead. And have stopped smoking. Actually, haven't started smoking. So I guess I came out ahead.
Oh, bugger it, anyway.
A/N: Well, I kept my promise, I finished it before 2006 (at least, in my part of the world). I can't really leave personal replies to reviews anymore, as per rules, but I would like to thank you all for your suppoty, nagging, threats, and entertainments. It is done.