Disclaimer: I don't own Hikago. Never did and never will. ^^
Author's Notes: This fic is an apology for the third chapter in "In the Shadows" because that was awfully written and I don't want to look at it. So I decided to write something to make up for it ^^ I just wanted to say thank you for everyone who reviewed that one and supported me all the way :) All your comments are treasured and loved *glomps* They really made my day when I read them ^^
Ano… I know I may upset some of you who absolutely detest this pairing… but just tell me what you think ^^ Thanks so much again to everyone who has supported me all this way! All of you are so nice to me! Now for the fic… :)
I know I have lost.
"Arimasen," The syllables spill softly from my mouth.
I bow, soft ebony hair falling forward to shield me from your gaze. My hands reach out to clear the board, scooping the black stones up with ease, tumbling them gently into the wooden containers.
The cascade of black spill through my fingers, the stones oddly cool in the heat of the night. The stones are so beautiful, each one flawlessly round, glinting under the soft light. They are different from the Japanese ones, their underside smooth and level.
I always think of them as jewels, onyx polished to perfection, worn smooth by the constant handling and use. Their beauty marred not by time, but accentuated with the passing of age. They mellow, as does the finest sake.
I clap the lid back on the go-ke curving my fingers lightly around the rim of the bowl, watching the light dance on its surface, bathing the go-ke in an amber glow. Everything is disconcertingly beautiful now, possessing an unreal quality as they take on a charm unlike their own.
Perhaps it is my mind, my nervousness. I never know. Yang Hai taught me many things; to control my emotions, my fear, my panic.
But he never taught me the most important thing.
He never deemed it necessary, and neither did I, until now. I plunged headlong into that abyss, falling blindly, thrashing in the darkness even as I had no conception that I was too deep in to ever climb out.
I fought it. I tried. But fighting an unknown entity is difficult. When that entity is the part of oneself that one is trying to suppress, the task is made difficult thousand-fold. I simply gave up.
I let myself fall even deeper, let myself be mesmerised by your charm. I knew it was wrong, it was immoral, it was false, it was everything that could not be. Yet I was powerless against it.
You taught me too well. Taught me to recognise my feelings, acknowledge them, and suppress them. Then only could I win the game.
I recognised these feelings, but I refused to acknowledge them. I tried to suppress them, burying them in the deepest corners of my heart, stifled them under the bitter reality.
Yang Hai, your protégé is deeply sorry.
I untangle my intertwined fingers and place them on the curve of the go-ke. I lift the bowl up, placing it in the centre of the go-ban. I turn away, unable to face you.
Heat radiates through my hands. Startled, I glance up, only to see your hand clasping mine, covering my slim fingers with yours. You gently lift my trembling fingers from the wood, massaging them gently to restore the warmth that has long since drained out.
Your fingers are strong, radiating control and intensity all at once in their soothing touch. You grasp my hands in your own, the gentle pressure sending waves of comfort through me.
I fight the inner turmoil, struggling to keep the raging emotions under control as they threaten to spill out.
You release my hands and cup my face, forcing my eyes to meet yours. Those eyes… dark unreadable depths, tempered by experience, filled with understanding.
"Yang Hai…" The whisper barely escapes from my parched throat. It lingers, a lone syllable hanging in the silence.
"Why didn't you tell me?" The question comes, its tone gentle yet firm, softly questioning, as your eyes search mine. My breath catches in my throat, as my eyes widen in shock.
"Why didn't you tell me that you're leaving tomorrow?" Your eyes are twinkling now, silently amused at my reaction. I stop, mouth gaping as I turn to stare at you. Your hands tighten their grip around my race.
You are almost standing up now, chair lying to the floor. I never noticed it fall to the ground, and neither did you. I try to turn away, to escape those eyes, to run away, to leave.
To seek solace in denial.
You will have none of that. You turn my head back, this time almost violently.
"It hurts more this way," You say.
I never wanted to tell you, never wanted for you find out. I would leave like a phantom in the night, mute and silent. When you awoke, you would find that I had vanished, that I had never entered, that I had never left.
That this period was consigned to the realm of dreams. Reality would cut in, take over, heal the pain.
I loved you, Yang Hai. I always loved you, the moment I entered your room, the instant you took me under your wing and cared for me.
I just never knew. For two months, I lived in painful oblivion.
People say love is blind. What they never realise is that people in love are even blinder. I had fallen, completely, totally, and utterly in love with you.
"Yang Hai… I am sorry," I say, letting my soft voice carry over the room.
You just smile in return, letting your hands fall to my waist as you pull me up into an embrace. Your arms wrap themselves around my body, gently stroking my back to release the tension I never knew was there.
You bring me close to you, and I inhale the scent that I know so well. The one of sweat, soap and deodorant. The one that is uniquely you.
I can feel my body melting into yours, fitting perfectly as our limbs intertwine in harmony. I savour the taste in my mouth, rolling it at the tip of my tongue, relishing the feeling I had once deemed unobtainable.
You are passionate, intense and gentle all at once, beautifully flushed. Your hair, despite its appearance, is delightfully soft, yielding as I rake my fingers through. I lose myself in this enthralling world, in its eternity of perfection.
The feeling is unsurpassed, ripping me apart in its surging, unstoppable in its path as it ravaged my body. I resist no more; I go with it, letting myself be swept away in its raging currents.
"Arimasen," I whisper again, this time to myself.
I lost the battle, to win the war.
Overhead, the fan is a whirling blur, spinning dizzily in increasing momentum.
Clothes lie unpacked, strewn haphazardly, covering the floor.
Two breaths, united as one, in perfect harmony.
One and one is one, in Room 303.
No one was leaving anytime soon.
Notes: Yay! You stuck all the way through! ^^ Wonder what you all think of this pairing though… :) It's not common, but I will make it my next task to write more of this !!! ^^