I owe the inspiration for this to "Theresa Green" and her brilliant Owner's Guide series. This pale homage is posted with her permission. Imitation is the highest form of flattery, so here goes. If you enjoy it, write a review and let me know!
I do not own the names, places, or ideas mentioned in this Guide. They are the property of J.R.R. Tolkien, Tolkien Enterprises, and probably a half-dozen other companies whose names I do not know. No offence or encroachment is intended by my use of such.
*** CONGRATULATIONS! ***
You are now the proud owner of a FARAMIR! In order to obtain top performance from your Man of Gondor, please follow the procedures detailed in this manual.
Your FARAMIR should arrive fully assembled and in upright condition. Please check that you have all his accessories (see
partial list below) and that you have been issued with the edition of FARAMIR
that you ordered, as there are two:
(a) Mark I FARAMIR (copyright Tolkien, 1954)
(b) Mark II FARAMIR (copyright Jackson/Wenham, 2002)
Type: Human (male, Gondorian of Númenorean extraction)
Manufacturers: Denethor and Finduilas, (Stewards'R'Us Ltd.), Minas Tirith
Date of Manufacture: Year 2983 of the Third Age
Height: 6 feet 2 inches
Weight: 185 lbs
Length: Data not available but guaranteed satisfactory
Mk I FARAMIR - dark hair with grey eyes
Mk II FARAMIR - sandy-blonde hair with blue eyes
(*Note: should you wish to change your FARAMIR's colouring contact-lenses are available from WETA LTD.)
Your FARAMIR unit will be shipped fully-clad to you in a protective crate. Although originally shipped in his Ranger of Ithilien garb he comes with a wide range of accessories, including sword, travel cloak, bow, and Horn. (For further information regarding this last piece of equipment please see the Frequently Asked Questions section.)
Your FARAMIR unit will arrive to you in his factory condition of travel-stained. It is recommended that you immediately remove his clothing and put him into a hot soapy bubble bath. This will keep his moving parts in pristine condition and fully-functional. As your FARAMIR is a Ranger and is not often in the vicinity of a bathtub you may have to climb in with him to ensure that all parts of him are adequately lathered.
*** CAUTION *** Married/committed FARAMIR owners must ensure that their spouses are otherwise engaged in gardening/car maintenance/crocodile-hunting etc. before carrying out this procedure. The company is not held responsible for divorce costs, alimony payments, or hospital fees due to careless execution of this procedure in the company of jealous housemates.
Your FARAMIR has been designed to be user-friendly and efficient. His controls are voice activated. Please state your instructions clearly in English or Sindarin. You may also choose to teach your FARAMIR commands in different languages. You will find your FARAMIR is skilled with many tongues and performance should prove satisfactory.
Apart from the aesthetic value of your FARAMIR as a fine example of rugged Gondorian masculinity, he can be utilised in several capacities about the house and garden:
Your FARAMIR unit was a "Wizard's Pupil" and therefore possesses a vast store of knowledge on matters vegetable, animal, mineral, philosophical, and martial.
Your FARAMIR's knowledge of maps and routes will prove invaluable as you plan your holiday.
Your FARAMIR unit comes pre-programmed with several thousand poems and tales in his memory data-banks. He will provide a suitable atmosphere for dinner, bedtime, or any other occasion. Caution: if switched to WOO FAIR MAID setting your FARAMIR will spout all sorts of highly elevated romantic prose. If you anticipate this being an annoyance, we recommend disabling this feature as your FARAMIR has been known to spontaneously switch.
Physical Activities Director:
Your FARAMIR unit, as a soldier, is accustomed to bouts of intense physical activity. Put this seemingly-boundless energy to good use and keep your FARAMIR from idleness by providing him with all sorts of physical activities. These activities can range anywhere from mild gardening to intense bedspring testing, and will keep your FARAMIR in good spirits and properly fit and toned.
COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER MODELS
You will find that your FARAMIR is compatible with most other Men, Wizards, and Elves. However caution should be exercised with using a Mk II FARAMIR in conjunction with Hobbits unless you have a SAM unit nearby to provide cautionary warnings.
Use of a FARAMIR in conjunction with an EOWYN is also not recommended unless you fancy sharing and listening to endless poetry recitations.
Those owners who already have a BOROMIR model may be under the misapprehension that it is impossible to maintain a Man in a decent state of cleanliness, apart from snow-bathing. However, your FARAMIR can be kept in a hygienic condition if you follow this grooming regime on a daily basis:
* Comb hair.
* Trim beard and moustache.
* Clean fingernails.**
* Change tunic/shirt/leggings/cloak.***
* Shower whole FARAMIR unit.
Upon completion of the cleaning procedure, dry your FARAMIR by rubbing him briskly with a large towel. Do not tumble dry. Do not hang him on the washing line, unless you want your neighbours to gossip.
**You may wish to hire a LEGOLAS Mk II unit to perform this, as he is adept at all grooming procedures and his light touch will not leave bruises. Unless you feel like sharing, however, be sure to disable the "Slash" setting on both units before proceeding.
***(It has been brought to our attention that the FARAMIR is easier to keep clean without these trappings. While this is true, you may wish to keep him indoors in this condition unless you want to have the neighbours talk.)
The Mk II FARAMIR can be issued with a revised 'Extended Edition' program from November 2003. Please see your local video store for details. This will enhance your FARAMIR's compatibility with other models, especially Hobbits.
Do not expose your FARAMIR to fire, strong magnetic fields, electricity, excessive humidity or EOWYN units, unless you are willing to share.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Q: I thought only BOROMIR was equipped with a Horn of Gondor. Why does FARAMIR have one?
A: FARAMIR is the second-in-line to the Stewardship and therefore must also be in possession of a suitable Horn.
Q: My FARAMIR unit has persistent nightmares, usually involving dodgy poetry. Is this normal?
A: Alas, it is the nature of your FARAMIR unit to experience dreams in rhyme. He also is extremely sympathetic to the thoughts of others and will often alarm you by telling you what you dreamt of last night. This can prove embarrassing/informative, depending on the circumstances. There is no current remedy for this, although a keg of ale may alleviate the symptoms.
Q: I already own a BOROMIR model. Why do I need to purchase the FARAMIR?
A: Due to certain quirks of your BOROMIR unit, he is not guaranteed and may end up in a perforated state, especially if brought into contact with a LURTZ unit. Whilst it is still possible to use your BOROMIR unit for aesthetic purposes in this perforated condition - it has in fact been noted that he then becomes "fairer even than in life" - he is sadly unsuitable for other uses. Because of this you may wish to purchase the FARAMIR unit as well for supplementary purposes, as he is guaranteed for a full 120 years.
Q: My FARAMIR unit has taken to abducting my neighbour's garden gnomes and hiding them in the cellar. When I ask him why all he will say is that they had an ill-favoured look. What is going on?
A: Your FARAMIR unit has perceived the gnomes as intruders in his realm and is taking measures appropriate for a Ranger of Ithilien. As long as he does not physically abuse the gnomes it is not a cause for great concern. If matters escalate it is recommended that you immediately boot up SAM Motivational Speaking 1.1. This will effect an immediate change of heart in your FARAMIR unit.
Q: Can I take my FARAMIR to the zoo?
A: Technically, you can take your FARAMIR to the zoo. (May is another matter.) By all means avoid the elephant paddock, however, as the sight of large tusked beasts will invariably provoke the ARROW-BOW-FIRE response sequence which may prove fatal to the elephant (and to your FARAMIR if the security guards catch him).
Problem: Your FARAMIR is exceptionally moody. He sits at table cracking his knuckles and repeating "Gondor has no king, Gondor needs no king." You have purchased an EOWYN unit but he will not respond to her.
Solution: You have accidentally been issued with a BOROMIR unit. This is not uncommon as the physical resemblance between the two is striking. Unfortunately company policies do not allow for returns on any basis. On the plus side, you have accidentally been issued with a BOROMIR unit. Stop complaining!!
Problem: You are trying to activate your FARAMIR unit's Alternate Activities programming cycle but to no avail. He does not respond to your advances, instead replying that he would not take you even if you lay by the highway.
Solution: You have most likely been issued with a Mk I FARAMIR. His ability to resist temptation is well-documented and unshakeable. While we cannot issue a replacement FARAMIR unit, we suggest that you download the Peter Jackson Update for your FARAMIR. This will update his programming to the Mk II software and make him much more susceptible to temptation, especially if you prance about wearing gold jewellery.
Problem: Your FARAMIR sits in the garden, repeating the phrase "flowers fair, and maidens fairer" and making dandelion chains.
Solution: Your FARAMIR has been exposed to an EOWYN unit. There is currently no remedy for this. The only solution is to purchase an ARAGORN unit and place him immediately next to EOWYN at supper. With any luck she will be smitten and leave you and your FARAMIR in peace.
Problem: Your FARAMIR waxes philosophical whilst delivering telephone messages, preferring to couch them in this manner: "I wonder who he was, and who his family was, and what was his business in this realm."
Solution: This is a quirk inherent in the FARAMIR model. Learn to live with it. Try to regard it as one of those delightful little eccentricities that makes him interesting. If your FARAMIR becomes too long-winded you may offer to polish his Horn; this may distract him so much that he temporarily loses the capacity for sentences of more than three words' length. Should this also prove ineffective buy an answering machine and reserve your FARAMIR for other, more suitable tasks.
Problem: Your FARAMIR has taken an apparent aversion to clothing and walks about the house clad only in his undergarments.
Solution: And this is a problem? If you do really find this undesirable, check his label. It is possible that you have been issued with a JOSH unit from the Australian film "Better Than Sex." If this is unsatisfactory to you you may put him up for auction on eBay and turn a tidy profit.
Problem: Your FARAMIR has locked himself in the garden shed and will not come out.
Solution: Your FARAMIR has probably been exposed to a DENETHOR unit. This is not recommended by the company as it can cause severe distress to the FARAMIR unit. The only remedy to this exposure is to break out a keg of ale and a BOROMIR unit to share it with. (Should you desire you may also join in the fun.) This will alleviate the pain from exposure and hopefully return your FARAMIR to his normal self.
Your FARAMIR unit is guaranteed for 120 years under normal usage. Those owners who are already used to the 6,342,000 month extended warranties issued with Elven units may find this rather disappointing; console yourself with the knowledge that FARAMIR units are much less expensive to maintain as they do not require personal stylists and top-of-the-line hygiene products.