Beginning Notes:  This is a short one-shot fanfiction about Rinoa's feelings when something tragic occurs in her life.  It's has angst.  It is also a birthday present from me to somebody extremely important to me.  Please read it and review.


Words That I Feel

            I miss you.

            I miss you so much.  I miss everything about you... your inquiring eyes, your sad smile... It seems like time just drags on without you by my side.  I could hardly even stand the pressure of everyday life.  The color has bled out of my world, leaving it pale.  Empty.  Devoid.  Lifeless.  I feel as though everything has stopped.  Why has Hyne decided to punish me so?  What have I done to anger some deity somewhere to cause him to retch away the most important thing in my life when things are starting to look better?

            Why?  Please, Hyne, tell me why?

            Why are you so cold, so merciless?  Why do you play games with us, knowing that we couldn't win against you?  You are the beginning and the end, the Omega and the Alpha.  You are infinite.  What made you twist our lives and our destiny about your finger as if we haven't gone through enough already?


            I could still remember that day.  I will never forget it, having it engraved permanently in my memory.  Who could forget the person they love the most in the world dying in their very arms?

            I close my eyes, feeling tears threaten to overflow once more.  Harsh wind sweeps my hair backwards from my face, allowing it to be pelted by the cold rain.  It felt like needles upon my skin, but I didn't care.  Nothing matters anymore.  Nothing in this world matters.

            To me, you are the world itself.

            I stare down at my hands as memories plagued my mind.  No matter how many times I wash them, I could still see the blood on my fingers... your blood.  Your blood smeared all over my palms and my wrists, so startling in contrast to my pale flesh.  I touch my lips to the ring upon my fourth finger, feeling the cool metal against my skin.  So cold... so foreign...

            No matter how much I fought it, the event continued to play in my head like a broken record skipping on a disc player.  It repeats, endlessly, showing the same scene over and over.  Before I could help it, I was pulled into yet another remembrance.

            My voice screaming your name drowned out the roar of the wind and rain falling upon us.  The stone ground was soaked by water and also by crimson, staining it.  I ran over to your side, and dropped to my knees in the pool of blood underneath your body, not concerned at all that it was all over my knees and my clothes.  Everything around us stopped in my eyes.  I couldn't even hear the battle anymore or the insane laughter of the monster that dealt that fatal blow that killed you... and killed my dreams, hopes, and heart at the same time.

            My arms lifted your head onto my lap, shaking as I begun to sob.  You were so pale and so motionless against me.  Immediately, I cast several Curaga spells, draining my entire inventory.  Finally, you forced your eyes open, and looked up at me, your chest falling heavily as you struggled to talk.

            "I'm sorry..." you said, a hand raising, and rested it against my wet cheek.  "I'm sorry that I made you cry..."

            "Don't worry about it.  Hold on," I whispered, putting my own hand against yours.  It was icy, and I squeezed it reassuringly.  "I'm going to heal you and then everything will be okay."

            "It's no use... don't waste your energy."  You shook your head slowly.  "I have lost too much blood already... save your powers to help Quistis and the others..."  You coughed severely, causing my heart to freeze in my chest.  Scarlet liquid seeped through the corner of your mouth and rolled down your face, signaling internal injury.

            I shook my head hard.  "No!  What are you talking about?!"  I shouted, tears streaming down my face.  "You promised that you will always be there whenever I need to find you!  You promised that no matter what happens, you will always be here by my side!"

            "I'm sorry," you said again.  "I'm sorry that I couldn't keep my promise..."

            "Stop it," I whispered, feeling your fingers brush away my tears.  "You will be here," I declared.

            You smiled painfully as if I just said something funny.  "I am going to miss you..."  You coughed again, turning your face away from me as you spit out a mouthful of blood onto the floor.

            "I am going to get help."  With that, I turned around to look for our friends... just ANYBODY who has more curing magic.

            "Don't go."  You grabbed my hand.  "I cannot believe that I will never see you again."

            "Stop talking like that..."

            "I love you."

            Those three words stopped me.  You smiled again, and nodded as a tear appeared at your eye.  "No matter what happens, know that I love you, okay?"

            Before I could say them back, life began to fade from your eyes.  You gasped lightly, and then, it was over.  Your body fell slack in my arms, your hand let go of mine, your eyes drifting close, shutting the only thing that I could use to tell your emotions.

            It closed me off from you.

            "No..."  I choked out, tears falling so hard and fast that it rivaled the storm around us.  "NO!  YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME HERE!  YOU PROMISED, DAMMIT!  YOU PROMISED!"

            No matter how much I screamed, no matter how much I cried, you never reopened your eyes.  No smile ever graced your lips again, no words ever left your lips.

            "Come back..."  I whispered through my sobbing.  "Come back... come back...!"

            Behind me, I could hear a gasp.  Quistis was standing there, a hand clasped over her mouth as shock was written over her face.  Selphie dropped her nunchuku on the floor whereas Irvine and Zell were staring paralyzed at the body on the ground.  I stood up slowly, and turning around, glared at the crackling creature that murdered my love.

            As if being controlled by some outside force, I threw my hand into the air as white wings sprouted behind me in a burst of blinding light.  Tears coursed down my face as I shouted over the screaming of the wind, "ANGEL WING!"

            That was two weeks ago.

            Snapping out of my reverie, I glance around myself.  I had stopped in the middle of a crowded street, and everybody was giving me dirty looks as they were forced to walk around my shaking form.  I look up at the sky sadly.  Nothing has changed.  Even after we have done so much for these people, they didn't even stop a single second in their bustling lives to compensate how much this one person has giving up to make sure that everybody else has a chance to see the sun rise once more.  A sense of bitterness rose up within me, hatred bubbling in my veins.  How could they do that?  How could they praise and cheer us on when we were fighting for them and when it is all over, forget us as easily as they forget about that gum wrapper they threw upon the floor or that cigarette they tossed into a gutter?

            I narrow my eyes.  Suddenly, I don't feel like living in a world where they treat us like garbage.  This isn't fucking fair.  No, it isn't.  We, human beings, have absolutely no control over our lives.  We cannot change the past.  We do not know the future.  If we don't, what is the point of living?  Why bother when it will all end someday, when your life becomes meaningless?  Become more of a job than actually living?

            I look down at my hands once more, and bite down upon my bottom lip so hard that my teeth pierce the skin and the taste of blood fills my mouth.  My surroundings becomes a blur as I tilt my head, seeing the light changing across the street from white to blinking red.  I have to hurry.

            I have to hurry because I never got a chance to say the words that I feel before you left me.

            I run across the street as the light turns completely red on the other side.  Abruptly, I stop in the middle, facing an army of cars, trucks, and vans charging at me.  The glare of their headlights was blinding, but I didn't care.  I throw my arms to the side, and close my eyes, ignoring the honking and screaming from the bystanders on the streets.

            Smiling, I lift my head to the sky, feeling the rain melt into the tears on my face.  I'm coming, Squall.

            I'm coming to say three words.

            I love you.


Ending Notes:  Well, um, that was morbid.  Yes, I know that it is written in present tense.  I did that on purpose.  Anyways, what did you think?  It's crazy, I know, but it's believable.  Please review.  Just click that button that says "GO" at the bottom of the screen.  Isn't that easy?

Happy Birthday, Andrei!  I love you!