The legions of soldiers waited quietly, now that the plot resolution had been stolen from them, perhaps forever.
"The play will begin in two hours time," Nadir informed those unfortunates with scripts. "Be sure that you're ready by then." Then he vanished into a cloud of bats, who bumped aimlessly into things as they fluttered away in the bright sunlight. (Yes, I do know they navigate by hearing.)
"As he said," Albert repeated, "We have two hours… How far can we run in that time?"
"At least to Iskay I think…"
"Well, we could ask Viki to teleport us somewhere." Caesar proposed. Then immediately thought better of it, trailing off and shuffling his feet as the others stared at him.
"That would be worse than the play." Sarah stated blandly.
"But…." Caesar responded in horror, Nadir has costumes.
"Well, I'm not certainly not going to wear one, no matter what Nadir says." Albert humphed, crossing his arms.
"Won't you?" Nadir asked, appearing from the mist about their feet, his glowing eyes, he waved his hands…
Jack and the Beanstalk
The play began, as each of the closure-deprived warriors was taken to their seats. Many still injured from the battle they had been so rudely removed from. The curtains rose, revealing a little house that looked like it had been liberated from the "Three Little Pigs".
"Hey, wasn't that house blown up in the "Three Little Pigs"? Luce asked.
"Yes, but don't mention the plot-holes, Nadir will know…"
"Who said that?" Luce asked fretfully, glancing around.
The rest of the audience shrugged, looking about themselves, but cold find no satisfactory answer.
"Once upon a time," Nash began from the narrator's booth, "There was a little boy and his mother. They were very poor, so one day the mother decided to sell their only source of income."
"Moo." Albert stated grumpily, appearing from around the house wearing a cowbell and a false tail.
Luc emerged from the house, looking rather startled to find himself in costume.
"Is that a dress?" Queen aksed with a raised eyebrow.
Geddoe sighed, covered his good eye, "If I don't look, it can't kill my brain."
"Um…" Luc began. "Jack, since you've failed miserably at everything, I am entrusting you to do the one thing that may doom us if you get it wrong. Go sell our cow."
"Moo." Albert stated again, sounding increasingly petulant.
Luc on the other hand, looked as though he wanted to hide behind the door again, but it would seem fate got in the way, or more precisely, Yuber, who was emerging wearing green.
"Sell the cow." He growled, "And why are we doing this again?"
"Because we can't afford to eat." Luc responded, edging toward the concealing shadows of the door.
"We've got steak right here." Yuber grinned. "I always wanted to be a butcher."
"I thought that's what you were?" Luc asked.
"No, I usually don't eat them."
"…. Oh. Well, yeah, just go sell her and bring the money right back." And with that, he slid back into the house and shut the door.
"I say, that's a sorry looking cow." Caesar stated, walking in from the left, grinning maliciously at his brother.
"Why don't you just buy it?" Yuber asked sweetly, drawing his sword.
"Ah, well, yeah, well, I can't argue with that argument, at least not while you have that psychotic gleam in your eyes. I guess its worth a few magic beans -- they are magic you know, not just moldy. If you plant them in the light of the full moon, do you know what will happen?"
"I get more beans?" Yuber asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Better than what you have now." Caesar answered. "And, I think they bleed, or something…" he added, looking at Yuber's expression.
"Luckily for him, Jack was a dimwit and accepted the deal." Nash narrated, as Caeser and Albert beat a hasty retreat off the stage.
"But, Jack's mother was angry."
"Stupid boy!" Luc's voice came faintly from inside the house, "Now we're ruined! You'll have to sleep outside with your stupid beans!"
"What th- CHILD ABUSE! CHILD ABUSE!" Yuber cried, stabbing the door.
"PARENT ABUSE! PARENT ABUSE!!" Luc coughed back, indicating, by the apparent pain in his voice, that it was not ketchup leaking through the door.
"Well screw you, I have bleeding beans to eat." Yuber huffed, turning his back to the door. "Unless that salesman was lying to me."
"Just then," Nash continued, "The moonlight struck the beans planted in the ground…"
"Did he ever plant the beans?" Kidd whispered to one side.
"Shut up!" A voice whispered back.
"And they grew into a giant beanstalk reaching through the clouds."
"The beans grew beans???" Yuber gasped, as several bean plants donated by Bart and hastily duct-taped together, were raised from the floor. "Curse you reality! CUUUURRSSSEEE YOOOOOUUUU!" And with that he drew his sword and slashed vindictively at the vines.
"ARGH!" Sasarai yelped, landing with a thump in a tangle of bean pants and broken stilts.
"Hey, it's raining men… or something…" Yuber exclaimed. "Now where did I put the spikes?"
"Ow.. ouch.. ugh.." Sasarai moaned, limping to his feet, "I smell the blood of an English bug."
"Bug?" Yuber asked, raising an eyebrow. "And what's this England you speak of? I've never heard of it."
"And yet, you have no problem conjugating it." Nash remarked.
"I will eat your for breakfast puny man!" Sasarai snarled.
There was a long moment of silence as Yuber took in the full size of the "giant" before him, "I'm not even going to dignify that with a punchline."
Sasarai glared, drawing himself up to his full height. "Well, perhaps to punish you I should kill your mother first!" And with a wave of his hand the prop house was lifted away by ropes and pulleys, revealing the exceedingly embarrassed Luc holding a punctured bottle of ketchup.
Yuber snorted, "Go ahead, she means nothing to me!"
The giant drew in a breath to retort when he stopped abruptly, looking quizzical, "Wait, Is that a bluff or not?"
The mother shrugged.
Someone in the audience coughed.
At a total loss, the stage crew opted to close the curtains.