And we spell it humour here in New Zealand - that's not a spelling mistake :)
On a side note, I've had computer problems of late, and to cut a long story short, have borrowed a computer from a friend. Unfortunately, I have about 5 or 6 H.P fics still on the other hardrive, a hardrive I'm not going to be able to access for several more weeks.
Warning: Slash, but it's light :)
Summary: Percy decides to come out to his family.
Title: Out of the closet, into the frying pan.
It was a nervous Percy who walked into the sitting room, his eyes darting back and forth between the members of his family who had gathered for his little 'announcement', and Oliver, his one means of support. Making sure he had everyone's attention, he opened his mouth to speak, only to be immediately cut off.
"Now listen, Percy - we need to get a few things straight." Fred interrupted, causing Percy to slowly close his mouth again.
Straight. Get a few things straight - they hadn't figured it out already had they? He hadn't exactly been subtle about it ....
"Firstly," Bill took up the slack. "If this is another lecture about the benefits of flossing with dragon puss, then we are out of here."
"Or the importance of antidotes for paper cuts."
"Safety guards on door stops!"
One by the one, the family members present rounded off a list of 'no go' topics, occasionally interrupting each other for rounds of "I hadn't thought of that one!" and "I swear, if he even goes *near*that ..."
They were not making this very easy. That aside, there was nothing wrong with discussing the medical properties of lint, either!
"Why don't we let Percy talk, hmm?" The amusement was ringing from his lover's voice as his light tenor rose above the dim being created by the Weasleys.
"You're right, Oliver." Mrs Weasley nodded, shooting a withering glare at the twins. "Percy *might* have something important to say." Her tone wasn't exactly reassuring.
"It's quite possible," Oliver agreed, the smirk on his face belying the innocent response. "After all, I *did* find that discussion about the properties of ash at dinner last night rather refreshing." The smirk had transformed into what the twins would classify as a 'shit faced grin'.
Tenor now, maybe - but that man would be singing Soprano by morning.
"Anyway," Percy spoke up, sparing his lover nothing more than a withering glance. "I have something to tell you all. This isn't easy, I mean, I don't want you to think any less of me," here George snorted. "It's just I ... I mean ..." He forced his face to assume a look that he hoped reflected both bravery and determination. The huge bellowing laugh that came from a certain soon to be ex-Quidditch goal keeper caused him to entertain the doubt that perhaps he hadn't been completely successful.
When said Quidditch player fell from the couch and started gasping for air between cackles, Percy gave him a swift kick in the ribs.
"What I was trying to say," He continued, glaring. "Was ..." He took a deep breath.
"I want to come out of the closet." By the sheer shock that seem to radiate off of every family member - enough so that they put Chenobol to shame, the message had gotten through. After they all exchanged glances, it was his mother who spoke up first, her voice gentle and calm.
"Percy, dear - you are not in the closet, you're in the living room. Maybe you should sit down."
So maybe they hadn't quite grasped the concept as well as he had first thought.
"I meant it figuratively, mum." Percy explained, pretending to ignore the looks of relief that flooded everyone's faces.
"So, figuratively, you want to come out of a closet." Bill summed up with a quick nod while muttering something about psycho analysis under his breath. "Exactly why were you in this closet to start off with?"
Nuts. His entire family was nuts. He was however taking a perverse sense of pleasure out of the way Oliver was looking rather shocked - and terrified, by his families rather twisted response.
"Well, Freud. I was in this closet because I ... well, discovered something about myself that I wasn't quite ready to share with others, so I ... hid .... in the closet." This was ridiculous. Bill nodded sagely.
"And what kind of closet was it, Percy?"
"What kind of ...?! It's a *figerative* closet, Bill - what kind it was doesn't matter!"
"Now Percy, you're brother is only trying to help," His mother scolded. "Now answer the question."
"I bet it's a book closet!"
"Don't be stupid, Fred - why would someone keep books in a closet?" George scoffed.
"Maybe a Janitor's closet - I bet it would be dark and gloomy in there!"
"Come on Ginny, this is Percy 'I'm not scared of the dark' Weasley we're talking about here."
"I'm *not* scared of the dark, Charlie!"
"Not scared, Percy? Remind us all how old you were before you would let mum unplug your night light?" Percy muttered a response under his breath.
"What was that, Percy? I couldn't quite hear?" Oliver asked, leaning forward in his chair. He was taking far too much delight out of this situation.
"14" He repeated, glaring as the twins broke out into laughter.
"Oh man, how was it that we never shared *that* piece of information with anyone at school?"
"Beats me Fred, it really does."
"So did the Janitor's closet have a night light, Percy?" More cackles.
"It's a clothes closet!"
"A storage room!"
"Perhaps a linen closet?"
A linen closet? Oh my.
He couldn't control the flush that was rising on it's on accord. For the countless time this evening he glared at Oliver, who somehow managed to have a perfectly innocent look on his face. The linen closet at Hogwarts had been one of their more interesting adventures ...
"Aha, so you were hiding in a linen closet!" Bill triumphantly announced, earning the admiring glances of the other Weasleys as Percy hid his face in his hands.
"So, you are in the linen closet, why do you want to come out?"
Right after he killed Oliver, Bill was going to die a long, torturous death. Being force read Ginny's poetry should do it.
"I want to come out because I don't want to be in the closet anymore. I want to share my ... secret ... with people I care about. While it's not exactly lonely in the closet, you do feel isolated. And it *is* dark - I hope you realise that there is a basis for fears associated with creatures whose preferred habitat are in dark, secluded areas, Charlie. Not to mention that living in a closet has *got* to be fairly cramped, not to forget dusty. I mean, is this a clean linen closet or a dirty linen closet? Because if it's a dirty linen one, then there is the smell to deal with as well - and you *know* how badly the linen can stink." He trailed off as the realised the others were all looking at him with confused - and slightly worried, eyes.
"Percy, what the hell are you talking about?" He'd even lost Oliver on that one.
"I have no idea."
Bill sighed, impatiently.
"Let's skip the why and go straight onto the 'how', shall we? How do you plan on 'coming out of the closet'?"
"This *was* my plan." Percy replied, a weak smile playing on his lips. "Effective one at that."
"Maybe you should try something else?" The humour was gone from Oliver's voice now - the insanity of Percy's family was obviously having an effect on him.
"Right. Good idea." Nothing could go more wrong than his first attempt, could it? "Mum, dad - have you ever wondered why Oliver just so happens to be staying with us?"
"Why dear, you said he could fix that little problem we had with the leak beneath the sink."
"That was 15 days ago, mother!" Percy said with a sigh.
"And the sink has never run better," Mrs Weasley replied proudly, smiling warmly at Oliver who returned her smile, albeit a little nervously.
"You don't find it rather strange that he's stayed this long, and in my room?" Percy pressed, desperate for *anyone* to catch on.
"He's your friend, Percy - where would you expect him to sleep?" Ron asked, evidently puzzled.
"And I take it Harry sleeps in your bed as well then, little brother?" Percy replied, a single eyebrow raised.
"Of course not!"
"What are you trying to get at here Percy? You told us that he was sharing your bed because there were no spare blankets, we wouldn't want him to get cold." Percy glared at Charlie in disbelief - surely they weren't all so dense?!
"I give up!" he finally huffed, throwing his hands up in the air. "I have no idea how to talk to you about this! Fine! I'm a straight, heterosexual male who has no love life what so ever, end of story!
"Percy, we already knew that - what does that have to do with a closet, or Oliver?" Fred now questioned, oblivious to the groan it elected from Percy.
"You've tried your way, Perce, how about letting me have a go?" Oliver asked, brushing down the front of his trousers as he stood up and made his way over to him. "Perhaps you've been too ... subtle."
"Too subtle?!" Percy couldn't quite keep the hysteria out of his voice. "*Nothing* will make those idiots mmpfph!" Percy had to admit, if one had to be rudely interrupted there was no more pleasing way than to have the man you love wrap his arms around you and claim your lips as his own. He was dimly aware of a muted "Oh." coming from somewhere behind him, then a "I don't understand - is this kiss figurative Percy, or are you simply trying to make a point?" followed quickly by a "shut up Bill, you idiot!"
It was as good a way as any to break it to them, he supposed.
"That went surprisingly well," Percy mused, as the two of them entered the flat owned by the Wood's.
"I'll tell you this Percy, if I learnt anything from that experience, it's to come out bluntly and to the point. It helps having the knowledge that *nothing* could be worse than what we just went through with your family." It was with this determination that Oliver strolled into the kitchen, greeting both his parents with a hug before telling them the reason for his visit.
"Mum, dad ... I'm gay."
"That's sweet, honey - but did you need to come all this way to tell us you were simply in a good mood?"
"Ah mum? I don't mean that kind of gay."
"Oliver, what you are going on about, gay is nothing more than another word for happy - would you like me to go get the dictionary? Hells bells, what are they teaching you these days at Hogwarts?"
"Darling, why is your friend laughing? Did I miss something?"