Extreme Legends: Weird things happen...

Author's notes: This is inspired by something that happened while I was playing the Dynasty Warriors 4: Extreme Legends' Extreme Mode.

Author's notes: Ai Muhao is an edit officer. He uses Gan Ning's fighting style and wears a helmet, armour and battle robe, all blue.

Ai Muhao, ruler of a small kingdom based in the province of Xu Chang, looked over his land from his castle, reminiscing. His first ever battle had been against a gang of bandits he had been asked to fight by a pretty girl wielding twin chakram near the capital city of Lou Yang. His second was against a monstrous elephant that had been terrorising a small village in the Nan Territory.

Not long after, he came across another bandit camp and attacked it, only to find someone already there. A powerful-looking warrior wielding a huge scimitar was cutting down bandit after bandit, but was slowly being over- whelmed by sheer weight of numbers. Being the heroic warrior he was, Muhao quickly joined the warrior and together they made short work of the bandits. The warrior, a one-eyed man named Xiahou Dun, decided to join Muhao on his travels as thanks. Though rather blunt, almost rude, Dun proved to be a valuable and reliable ally. Together, they took over the province of Xu Chang, driving out the unpopular prefect and claiming it as their own.

Shortly after forming their new kingdom, Muhao and Dun went travelling again and came across a battle between the forces of Dong Zhuo and another general. While avoiding the battle, they came across a small prison, where they found a man trying to escape. After helping him fight off his pursuers, the man introduced himself as Gan Ning of the bells. Despite Dun's misgivings over letting an ex-pirate join them, he was allowed to accompany them.

The third member of their merry band joined them after they met him in one of the towns near Chi Bi. The young man, Jiang Wei, wielded a spear with skill and impressed them with his knowledge of strategy. Realising a strategist would be useful for defending their kingdom, Muhao asked him to join.

We now join the merry foursome as they prepare to defend their castle from the dastardly Dong Zhou, who is still apparently pissed off at Muhao and company after beat him up after he tried to hire them to kidnap the maiden Xiao Qiao...

**********

"So he went, 'You! Bring Xiao Qiao to me and I'll reward you greatly!'" said Ai Muhao, dressed as always in his blue armour, complete with helmet.

"So what'd you say?" Gan Ning slurred, trying heroically not to collapse after a hard day's drinking.

Xiahou Dun frowned. "If I remember right," he said, leaning against a nearby pillar after observing the remains of his recently ejected dinner, "he said, 'You ^$%#@#% pervert! She's a minor!'"

"And that's when you, er..."

Gan Ning sighed as Jiang Wei trailed off. "The phrase is 'kicked his ass', pretty boy." He waved his drink, sloshing some onto the floor. "Geez. How can somebody this naive be so good at strategy?"

Jiang Wei straightened self-consciously. "My mother raised me to avoid excessive swearing!"

"Yeah, yeah, a regular mama's boy," Gan Ning muttered, emptying his cup with one gulp.

"You!" Jiang Wei growled, half-getting up.

"Okay, okay, that's enough," Muhao said, gazing out the window. "No need to get violent." Just then, a soldier ran through the door. "You know," Muhao sighed as he looked at the shattered wood, "you open those before you run through them."

"Sorry, my lord," the soldier apologised, pulling splinters out of his face. "But we've received word that Dong Zhou has entered the area and is on his way here with a large army!"

"Well, shit." Muhao got to his feet. "So much for a nice night." He turned to the others. "Let's get going."

"Alright," said Jiang Wei. "I'll organise the units right away."

"Meanwhile, I'll get our weapons ready," Gan Ning said, all traces of his heavy drinking gone.

"How the hell did you get sober so fast?" Muhao asked.

Gan Ning shrugged. "I'm a pirate."

"..."

**********

The battle went easily enough. Gan Ning, Xiahou Dun and Jiang Wei each went to reinforce the defense units while Ai Muhao led a direct assault on Dong Zhuo's main force. After driving off most of the enemy, all that remained was to defeat the fat man himself.

"Well, that was easy," Gan Ning commented as he met up with Muhao and Dun.

Dun stuck his scimitar in the ground and adjusted the cloth that hid his lost eye. "True. I was expecting more of a challenge."

Muhao laughed. "Well, when you consider WE're their opponents, I think they did pretty well."

Gan Ning smirked. "Che. You're too nice."

Dun nodded. "Indeed. Are you really going to be able to rule this land with an attitude like that?"

The three generals laughed before Muhao noticed something. "Hey. Where's Jiang Wei?"

Dun looked thoughtful. "He was in the south, where that Diao Chan's unit was."

"Didn't he already chase her off?" Muhao asked.

"I thought so..." Dun muttered. "Shall we go check on him?" Muhao nodded and the three of them ran off.

**********

Meanwhile, over with Jiang Wei...

The spear-wielding strategist looked around warily at the remaining members of Diao Chan's unit. The women were wielding a wide assortment of weapons, and Jiang Wei noticed a few magic-wielders among them. "I suggest you surrender," he said, whirling his spear. "This battle is over."

One of the women grinned evilly. "Surely a noble and heroic young warrior such as yourself isn't going to attack poor, unarmed women?" She dropped her sword as she spoke and stepped closer.

"Eh?" Jiang Wei took a nervous step back as the other women began grinning and dropping their weapons too, edging closer.

"Surely your mother must have raised you better than that?" another woman said, smirking. "Someone as handsome as you must have lived a clean life..."

**********

Somewhere else in the land, Cao Cao sneezed violently.

**********

"Hn..." purred a woman. "You're just as good looking as we heard..."

"It was worth joining Diao Chan to meet you," grinned another.

"Uh..." Jiang Wei turned to withdraw strategically to higher ground, but realised he was surrounded. "Would someone please assist me?" he called out, in hopes that his comrades were nearby. As the women drew closer and closer, he dropped all traces of dignity and started screaming. "Someone help meeeeee!"

**********

"Did you hear that?" Xiahou Dun said as he and the other two officers looked around.

"I could probably have heard that from back at the castle," Gan Ning commented.

"Over that hill!" Ai Muhao led the charge to the top of the hill and stopped.

"What's wrong?" Dun asked as he and Ning reached the other man.

"See for yourself." Dun looked to see Jiang Wei surrounded by women. He had apparently lost his spear, because he was now fending them off with his bare hands.

"Whoa." Gan Ning cupped his chin as he watched. "What's a guy gotta do to get that kind of attention?"

Ai Muhao shrugged. "Bishonen."

Gan Ning nodded sagely. "Ah..."

"So do we help him or not?" Dun asked. "On one hand, he could use some help. On the other, I'm not too eager to start cutting down women."

"Augh!" Jiang Wei shrieked as he was finally brought down by a couple of female soldiers leaping at him from behind. Even before he hit the ground, the young strategist was being swarmed. "Aaaaah! No! Let go! I'm married! I'm married!"

Muhao winced as the sound of tearing cloth reached his ears. "Huh. Some men would kill to be where he is right now..."

Gan Ning snorted. "I told you the guy was inexperienced. Screaming like that. How embarrassing."

Dun stuck his scimitar into the ground. "In other words, you're jealous."

"Oh, no!" Ning said, waving his hands. "Once was quite enough!"

Dun raised an eyebrow, but said nothing. Muhao suddenly spoke. "I have an idea." He turned to Ning and held out his hand. "Your vest."

"Eh?"

"Give me your vest. I've got an idea."

Gan Ning glanced at Xiahou Dun, who shrugged. "I don't see what this is gonna do," he said, taking off the black vest, revealing his tattooed and battle-scarred upper body.

"If we don't do anything, Jiang Wei'll probably wind up an eunuch." Both Dun and Ning winced and self-consciously clamped their thighs together.

"No! Stop that! Let go of that!"

Dun glanced over to where their poor comrade was being assaulted. "Well, whatever you're doing, you'd better do it soon."

"Gan Ning." Ai Muhao looked to his comrade. "You run fast, right?"

"Yeah, so?" Gan Ning paled as he realised what Muhao was up to. "Oi...you're not..."

Ai Muhao coughed, took a deep breath and yelled, "GAN NING! ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR SHIRT?"

At the sound of his voice, the women froze and looked up the hill to where Gan Ning was plainly visible. With a simultaneous cry, they abandoned Jiang Wei and rushed at the ex-pirate.

"Bastard!" Gan Ning spat at Muhao. "You....!"

"Quick!" Muhao said, throwing something at him. "The Imperial Seal! 10 seconds unlimited Musou! Run! Run! RUN!"

"Shit!" Gan Ning swore as the women reached the top of the hill. He quickly activated his musou, dashing down the hill away from the mob. Meanwhile, Muhao and Dun stepped aside to let the women past.

"That was quite brilliant," Dun complimented. "A bit cruel and manipulative, but brilliant."

"Glad you approve." Muhao winced as they reached Jiang Wei. "Ow."

Most of his clothes were ripped off, and what little remained barely covered his modesty. "The.... their hands were everywhere..." the strategist whispered. "Everywhere..."

"It's okay," Muhao said, sitting him up and helping him into Gan Ning's vest. "It's over..."

"They were grabbing...grabbing and pulling and stroking and..."

Dun waved his hands. "We don't need details!"

"Dun, you take him back to the castle, then check on Gan Ning." Muhao got up, whirling his sword. "I'll finish off Dong Zhou."

"Are you sure you'll be all right?"

"Probably. Besides," Muhao nodded at the shivering bishonen at their feet. "He'll never make it back in his condition."

Dun nodded, hefted Jiang Wei onto his back, and made his way back to the castle while Ai Muhao headed for Dong Zhuo's camp. "They...they wouldn't stop..." Jiang Wei wept. "It's enough to make you want to become a eunuch..."

"Jiang Wei! Shut up or I'll drag you back to the castle!"

**********

Meanwhile...

Gan Ning exploded in a string of curses as he realised he'd run into a dead end. "Cliffs to the left...cliffs to the right...river behind me..." He turned slowly and found himself the subject of the women's hungry glare. "Shit." He raised his hands defensively. "Now, ladies, let's be civilised about this..." He looked around to make sure no one was around. After making sure none of his comrades were nearby, he grinned wickedly. "One at a time..."

**********

Epilogue:

Jiang Wei needed therapy from his almost rape, but recovered nicely. For the first two weeks, though, he shrieked and curled into a sobbing, pathetic ball whenever a woman came close.

Xiahou Dun got Jiang Wei back safely and went to assist Gan Ning, but almost tore his eye out when came across him and saw what he was doing with the women. He is currently keeping himself busy slaughtering bandits, hoping to wash away the image with blood.

Gan Ning returned to the castle sometime after Dun did, a huge smirk on his face. He did spend a long time in an ice-cold bath, citing aches, but was otherwise fine. Oddly enough, not long after, a large number of female soldiers arrived at the castle to join. No one complained.

Ai Muhao dispatched Dong Zhou and continued to rule Xu Chang, defending it against the likes of Yuan Shao, Zhou Yu, Meng Hou and Cao Cao until he was lured into an ambush and killed by Da Qiao, who mistakenly thought he had tried to kidnap her little sister.