Disclaimer: Duh, do I look like I own anything except the show and insane plot?
Author's note: Well, this fic has been doing pretty well! Hopefully, this should reach 100 by the end of this chapter – I'm not updating until it does LOL! And I would like to half-heartedly apologize to those reviewers who found chapters 3 and 4 of this fic offensive. I have nothing against e-bay, Numair, or butch-lesbians ….. It's a parody though people and I write this whilst on a sugar high: what else did you expect? The point of Delia being a butch-lesbian was to make it original, of which I pride my fics in being! You can't tell me that it wasn't completely unique and unpredictable :D
Enjoy! Kel/Dom should prove ….. Entertaining, especially with SeaDragon guest hosting!
Treanz: lounging on an armchair "Well, welcome to another episode of Couple Counseling, our first in our new studio! Hopefully this one will last longer than 2 episodes – let's try to set a record!" beams enthusiastically
SeaDragon: rolls eyes "God you're sad"
Treanz: Mock insulted "How rude!"
SeaDragon: "You expected anything else?"
Treanz: "Not really…..good point" pauses "Okay, now folks-"
SeaDragon: sniggers "Folks?"
Treanz: rolls eyes "Shut-up! Now, 'people', I'm Dr Treanz, and this here is SeaDragon, who claims to be a doctor, but really got her PhD forged at the same place I did-"
SeaDragon: "It's also where we got all those fake IDs, passports, birth certificates and counterfeit currency"
Treanz: "Shh! Anyway, in this episode of Couple Counseling, Sir Lady Knight Keladry of Mindelan, Protector of the Small, and Sergeant Domitan of Masbolle of the Third Company of the King's Own, shall be our guests"
SeaDragon: perks up "Yeah! More minds to mess with!"
Treanz: "Fun, isn't it! Let's introduce the first half: Give it up for Domitan!"
Dom hesitantly walks onstage. Treanz sits up straight when she sees him, drooling. Pats spare seat next to hers
Treanz: "Over here Dom, here!"
Dom looks around, confused, but goes and sits down next to Treanz nether-the-less
Dom: glances around hesitantly "Um yeah …Who are you? And where am I? The last things that I remember were these strange raiders, and a really big metal cage ….."
Treanz: Waves hand dismissively "They were just some thugs I hired to kidnap you and smuggle you here"
Dom: "Oh ….. Hang, on, you kidnapped me? But, what about Lord Raoul ….and Kel, and everyone else? They'll notice I'm gone, won't they?"
SeaDragon: "Nope, not if they're all here anyway ….. Aren't Raoul and Buri coming up soon?"
Treanz: "Sure are! Anyway, back to Dom" fanatical fan girl sigh
SeaDragon: "So Dom … do you like Kel?"
Dom: clears throat "Is that a trick question?"
SeaDragon: "Are you smart? The answer to both is a big fat NO, so answer me"
Dom: somewhat taken aback "Uh" gulps "Yes, I do, sort of"
Treanz: gasps "You do what? Oh my god, what did you just say?"
Dom: starting to get scared "Um, I said yes, I do like Kel … not that it's any of your business"
SeaDragon: "Hey, buddy, we're the ones that decide what and what's not our business, and as far as I'm concerned-"
Treanz: fanning herself frantically "He did not just say that, he, he, he-" dramatic pause
SeaDragon: coaxing "He what?"
Treanz: exclaims "He likes Keladry!"
SeaDragon: mock surprised "Oh no, tragedy!"
Treanz: nods head emphatically "I know!"
SeaDragon: sarcastically "For all you know, he could be your soul-mate; you could be meant to be; it could be written in the stars!"
Treanz: wailing "No!"
Dom: confused "I'm lost"
SeaDragon: snorts "It looks like you broke her heart"
Dom: sheepish "Uh …Oops?"
Treanz: steadily becoming more hysterical …screaming and wailing in agony, clutching her heart
Dom: stares at Treanz in horror "Make her stop!"
SeaDragon: ignores him "You did that to her!"
Dom: frantic "I'll do anything!"
SeaDragon: slyly "Anything?"
Dom: "Yes! Just make her stop!"
SeaDragon: holds out hand to shake on it "I'm gonna hold you to your word"
Dom: shakes her hand hurriedly, stares at his hand, and then wipes it on his breeches
SeaDragon: leans over to Treanz "I got him; hook, line and sinker!"
Treanz: quickly stands and composes herself "Awesome! Now, on with the show…"
Dom: totally lost "What just happened?"
SeaDragon: "We, being superior females, just tricked you, an inferior male, into doing anything we decide"
Dom: even more lost "Oh … I see"
Treanz: smiles sweetly "Dom, dear, don't hurt yourself by thinking too hard"
Dom: distressed "Stop it! I'm not stupid"
SeaDragon: deadpan "I think we're hurting his feelings … cool!"
Treanz: "So Domitan, how old were you when your parents sold you?"
Dom: annoyed "My parents didn't sell me"
Treanz: disbelieving "Uh huh, sure. Now, how did it feel to be sold?"
Dom: irritated "I wasn't sold!"
Treanz: shakes head sadly "Now Domitan-"
Dom: angry "Stop calling me that!"
SeaDragon: sing song voice "Domitan, Domitan, Domitan…"
Treanz: mock furious "Domitan, don't you dare speak to me in that tone"
Dom: shouting "Call me DOM"
Treanz: soothing "Now, Domitan, it's natural to be having an identity crisis as a result of being sold to buy your mother's midwinter gown, but that's no excuse to treat me like that. I'm only trying to help you-"
Treanz: "-Being sold is nothing to be ashamed of-"
SeaDragon: "Yes it is!"
Dom: close to tears "Stop it! First you make out that I'm stupid, now you're saying I was sold! Neither is true!"
Treanz: pauses "Hang on-" picks up clipboard "Oops!"
SeaDragon and Dom: "What?"
Treanz: Sheepish "I got the character profiles mixed up. This is actually Wyldon of Cavall's sheet! Silly me!"
Dom: about to have a fit
SeaDragon: slightly put out "I'm still keeping you to your promise!"
Treanz: "While Domitan sorts out his emotional baggage, and SeaDragon mutters to herself, let's introduce our next guest: Keladry of Mindelan"
Keladry stomps out onto stage, furious.
Kel: "Where is my GLAIVE? How am I supposed to KILL people without it?"
Treanz: tuts "Now, now, now Keladry, there will be none of that on my show! Well, at least, not yet!"
Kel: glares suspiciously "And who are YOU?"
Treanz: sits up straighter "I'm Treanz-Alyce, the host-"
SeaDragon: interrupts "-Co-host-"
Treanz: ignores her "-of this show. Please sit down there, next to SeaDragon."
Treanz: rolls eyes impatiently "She doesn't bite … much"
SeaDragon: smiles, barring brand-new false vampire teeth
Kel: sits on other side of couch, scooting away from SeaDragon
Dom: "Kel! Praise Mithros you're here. These crazy-"
Treanz: indignant "Hey, watch who you're calling crazy-"
SeaDragon: adds in "I prefer cold, sarcastic and cynical"
Kel: taken aback "Woah"
Dom: "They're evil!"
Treanz: confused "You say it like it's a bad thing…"
SeaDragon: stage whispers "Where they come from, it IS a bad thing"
Treanz: filled with superiority "Well, that's just plain dumb!"
Kel and Dom: growl
Treanz: "Oh, how adorable! They even growl in perfect unison!"
SeaDragon: suppressing laughter
Kel: embarrassed "I'm WARNING you"
Treanz: "Keladry, Domitan, I really think its time we got down to business-"
A teenage boy and girl stumble across the stage, arguing furiously, completely oblivious to everything else
Lily: "I hate you Potter!"
James: "Well, I hate you more!"
Lily: "Well, it's all your fault!"
James: "Well, I love you"
Lily: "You just said you hated me!"
Lily: "That didn't make any sense"
Lily: "So what?"
James: "I bet you didn't know I could read your mind"
Lily: "You can what? Oh no! Do you…?"
James: "Yep, I know about that time you had the daydream about you and I in the-"
Lily: "Shut-up Potter"
James: "I also know about the time when-"
They drift off-stage, much to the surprise of the hosts and guests
Treanz: excited "Were they who I thought they were?"
SeaDragon: "I'm pretty sure they were: its looks like they've fallen straight out of my story!"
Treanz: "Oooh! Scary stuff!"
Kel: clears throat "Ahem"
Treanz: "Oh yeah …" looks wistfully after where Lily and James disappeared
Dom: hopeful "You can go after them if you really want to…"
Treanz: narrows eyes "You wouldn't want me to leave, would you Domitan"
Dom: covers ears with hands "STOP IT!"
SeaDragon: "You have issues, Domitan"
Treanz: "Geez, I'll say!"
Dom: "I do not have issues!"
Treanz: "And that's not all!" glances slyly at Kel
Dom and Kel: "What?"
Treanz: matter-of-factly "You two have relationship issues"
Kel and Dom: blush "We do not!"
SeaDragon: raises an eyebrow
Treanz: "That's the third time tonight"
Kel and Dom: indignant "It is not!"
SeaDragon: snorts "You two are freaks!"
Kel and Dom: insulted "We are not!"
Treanz: "Okay, that was just scary! Is it normal for you two to go through phases where you always think and say the same thing?"
Kel and Dom: thinks slowly "Um…yeah"
SeaDragon: killing herself laughing
Treanz: holds hands up to audience, and motions to herself "Being the genius I am-"
SeaDragon: adds sarcastically "-And being oh-so-modest-"
Treanz: "-I have a cure!"
Kel and Dom: protesst "But we don't have a problem"
SeaDragon: sarcastically "And I'm not a sarcastic person"
Treanz: "I prescribe…" pauses
Kel and Dom: "Yes?"
SeaDragon: "You prescribe…?"
Treanz: takes a deep breath "Prank-calls!"
Kel and Dom: "Prank-what?"
SeaDragon: "What do prank-calls have to do with anything?"
Suddenly, a frog begins to hop across the stage.
SeaDragon: mesmerized "Oooh … look at the pretty frog!"
More frogs begin to hop across the stage.
SeaDragon: in heaven "Look at all the frogs!"
Kel and Dom: wailing "We don't like frogs!"
SeaDragon: "A hardened knight and commander, afraid of a little froggie?" grins evilly
Kel and Dom: "Uh oh…"
SeaDragon: picks up frogs and starts lobbing them at Kel and Dom
Kel and Dom: dodging frogs
Treanz: sticks two fingers in her mouth and whistles loudly
Kel and Dom: freeze
SeaDragon: puts down frog
Treanz: to first frog "Ribbit-ribbit, ribbety ribetty ribbit rib-rib ribbit"
Kel and Dom: confused "What is she doing?"
SeaDragon: awed "Speaking fluent frog!"
Head Frog: in deep, croaky accented English "We apologize, humans, we seem to have dropped from no where"
SeaDragon: excited "Are you, by any chance, from a story involving Alanna, Jonathon, Gary and Raoul?"
Head Frog: "Yes. We were dropped on the heads of some councilors!"
SeaDragon: "Oh yay! You belong to my story then!" dancing around stage, singing whilst in a trance "They're mine, all mine!"
Treanz: whispers to Head Frog "I'd get out of here, while she's distracted"
Head Frog: makes secret frog signal to followers, who all creep offstage
SeaDragon: wakes from trance to notice that all the frogs are gone "Hey! Where did they go?"
Kel and Dom: shrug "Dunno"
Treanz: innocently "What frogs?"
SeaDragon: growls "Why you-"
Treanz: holds up phone "We've still got pranks, remember!"
SeaDragon: pouts "Alright then"
Treanz: turns to Kel and Dom "Now, watch and learn" dials random number
Joren: picks up phone on other end "Hello?"
Treanz: "Hello, this is Lady Marmalade. I'm doing an area check. Is your refrigerator running?"
Joren: confused "My what?"
Treanz: "It is? Well, you better go catch it!" laughs manically and hangs up "And that is how it is done"
Kel and Dom: awed
SeaDragon: "My turn" grabs phone and dials random number
Thayet: "Hello, this is Queen Thayet speaking"
SeaDragon: puts on a very fake, very random accent with a lisp "Hello? Thith ith Dr Pierre. I rethenthly performed your breath implanth thurgery."
Thayet: "Oh. I see."
SeaDragon: "Yeth, well I'm afraid there hath been a problem. We actually implanthed the wrong implanths in."
Thayet: "What!? This was over two months ago! How could only have just noticed?"
SeaDragon: "Yeth, well I'm afraid that thinthe you're on a dethert island, you'll hath to keep your new boobth."
Thayet: wails "What?"
SeaDragon: "Oopth! I've goth to go!" hangs up
Kel and Dom: "I want a go!" glare at each other … and lunge for the phone at the same time … struggle ensures, with Kel winning
Kel: "Yay! I won!" dials random number
Lord Wyldon: picks up "This is Wyldon of Cavall"
Kel: excited "You suck!"
Lord Wyldon: "Mindelan, is that you?"
Kel: panics "Uh, um, no!" hangs up
Dom: snorts "Real smooth"
Kel: heatedly "And I suppose you can do better?"
Dom: "I can actually: reaches over and grabs phone, dialing yet another random number
Neal: "Yo, wassup, this is the Neal-meister-"
Dom: "You're a meat-head!" laughs to himself
Neal: "-And I can't-"
Dom: "Think! You can't think! Because you're a meat-head" shooting smug glances in Kel's direction
Neal: "-come to the-"
Dom: "Meathead? Hello?"
Neal: "-phone right now, but if you leave a message after the beep, I'll pretend to return your call later… BEEP!"
Treanz: killing herself laughing
SeaDragon: choking on her cheesy-frog-bites
Kel: rolls eyes "Oh yeah, you sure did better Dom!"
Treanz: trying to calm herself down "It … was … an … answering … machine … and … we …had … it … on … speaker … phone!" collapses laughing again
Suddenly, the stage door bursts open. Uniformed officers swarm through, and everyone freezes.
Dead Life: steps forward "I'm Officer DL from the GIB, Girls in Black! I'm here investigating an illegal Tortallan Smuggling ring"
DeathGoddessAssassin: " And I'm officer DGA. Sit down on the couch, and don't make any sudden moves"
Dom: jumps up, scared "You're evil, all of you!" tries to run from room
Random Officer: shoots Dom with a tranquilizer
Dom: goes down, and stays down
Treanz: awed "Cool! Where'd you get that? I want one!"
Random Officer: glares
Dead Life: smacks random officer across the head "Why the hell did you do that?"
Random Officer: confused "But, but that's what the handbook says…"
DeathGoddessAssassin: "And since when do we follow the handbook?"
Random Officer: gulps
SeaDragon: "Oh, so you're not here to arrest us?"
Dead Life: "No way! We came to help"
DeathGoddessAssassin: "Think about it … if you had a choice between doing the right thing and perving on some hot Tortallans; which would you choose?"
SeaDragon: nods slowly "A very good point"
Kel: crawls over to Dom "Dom?" shakes him gently "Dommie? Hello? Are you awake?"
Dom: doesn't respond
Kel: pumps air with fist "Yes! Now I get the phone" runs to phone and begins pranking more people
Dead Life: raises eyebrows
Treanz: "Don't ask"
A flea-infested, inbred, ugly, stupid mutt drops from the ceiling, landing in a heap in front of Treanz
Treanz: freezes, staring at the 'dog'
Fido: whimpers, looking up at Treanz with puppy eyes
Treanz: low growl "You."
Fido: eyes widen with recognition
Treanz: steps closer "So you thought you'd get away with it, did you?"
Treanz: a sword miraculously appears in each hand "Well, I've got news for you"
SeaDragon: pulls bazooka out of back pocket and gets ready to aim "I'll help you break it to him … or more accurately, break him"
youdontneedtonknow, Numair's Angel and Peachy Garlic appear
Peachy Garlic: holds up box "I brought my portable biological and chemical weapons kit"
Numair's Angel: motions to bag behind her "I brought all the torture devices"
youdontneedtoknow: hold up bowl "I bought the popcorn … and the rocket blaster that we're gunna use to send what's left of Fido into outer space, never to return"
Dead Life: "Get rid of the mutt? I'm so in!"
DeathGoddessAssassin: "Now, where to start? I have so many ideas … mutilation torture is always a good one to start on"
Kel: torn between duty and fun "Wait! I'm supposed to protect animals…"
Treanz: rolls eyes "He's a robot. He won't feel a thing. Plus, if you help, you can have your glaive back"
Kel: eyes go glassy "My glaive? Mithros, did you even have to ask after that?"
They all slowly begin to advance on Fido, who can't find an escape route
Treanz: "Thanks to the audience for tuning in. I appoligise for the violence that is about to come, but it is for the sake of my 'sanity'. Killing the 'wonder-mutt' is rather therapeutic … see you next episode! Who would you like? Let me know in a review!"
'Censored' screen drops over stage front; veiling the goings-on backstage … this is still a non-violence fic (yeah right)