Chapter 3, this being the final chapter and our defence
Having established our credentials as a trashy writer, we'd like to take a few minutes to explain why some things in this fic are the way they are. Our pitiful attempt to address the questions we'd like answered if we didn't already know the answers goes something like this:
For a Harry Potter fic, there isn't very much of the bespectacled one is there?
No. Cos let's face it; he's a bit of a twerp. We aren't saying that he won't get better, and most people are frankly irritating at that age, but right now the adults tend to steal the show.
Honestly, if you were given every character, you wouldn't pick Harry as the saviour of the Wizarding world. Imagine the conversation if you will:
"What, you mean it's the pale speccy one who's rubbish at everything except DADA (which might offer a hint) and Quidditch? Are you sure it's not a Weasley or that Granger girl?"
Maybe it's my inner Snape talking, but all of that is beside the point. Harry has quite enough adventures without our help. Anyway, he is in it, and we do kinda like him. We gave him a happy ending didn't we?
Why Sirius and Severus?
Well, quite frankly, we chose the two characters we like the most, and who have the most potential. (Remus and Lucius obviously coming next on the list). We don't have black hair, but the Black Hair Society allows us honorary membership.
What's with the walking thing?
We don't try to pretend that Snape's greasy mane is silky, or his big hooked conk is simply aquiline. The guy has to have something going for him. Besides, he does have a hot walk. Shame about the rest of him really.
And the pomegranates?
In the words of Sirius "Don't ask"
Did Sappy have to die?
Yes. This is shown by the fact that even though we turned back time and undid the events that lead to his death, he still turned up on exactly the same day, after having been flattened by a hoard of Chudley Cannon fans hearing that Harry might consider playing for them. Which shows you that some things cannot be avoided in this life, or even in Sappy's death. Essays would be one of these thing, but then what do you think the point of all this was?
Why so many innuendoes?
Because we can. And because our friends avoid us like the Huffelpuff badger before its bath and we need an outlet.
Don't you have better things to do with your time?
Hell no. Like we said – students
Back to more Sirius questions… (Pardon the pun) How can it have been 1991 when Harry started school if Sirius and Severus have watched Charlie's Angels 2: Full Throttle which didn't come out until 2003, and Harry is about to begin his sixth year?
Well, I did wonder this myself, but luckily for our plot integrity, inspiration came to me whilst I was *shock horror* working and I have a mildly plausible suggestion. Two in fact.Time turners were not in fact regulated due to causality and all that gubbins about killing your future self, since anything that happens in the past has already happened. It was actually a measure to try and cut down on pirating films. Enterprising and slightly morally dubious business wizards (Slytherins of course) used time turners to take films back in time and for a small fee made them available to other wizards before the muggles got at them They were wizards, and as such can do whatever they like without threatening the integrity of the plot too much Or Harry is a dunce and has to resit several years. As previously mentioned, Ron and Mione can't function without the Golden Boy so dropped down with him. Oh, that's three reasons. The anal retentive would like to point out that we dated this by Nearly Headless Nick's Death day, which as any really sad people (us included) will know, was 1492. thus his 500th death day was 1992, and Potter and co attend this in the second book instead of going to the Halloween extravaganza. Maybe they were sick of pumpkin juice too. Yes, we know we can't count. Surely the chapter titles gave it away
So if time turners *are* regulated, how come Snape doesn't get in trouble?
With no way to avoid the fact Voldie is back, the Ministry have more important things going on. Percy Weasley for example needs to figure out how to repair all the bridges he burnt in the past year
What was with the Malfoy incident?
To be honest, we wanted to get Lucius into the picture and remind everyone that Snape is a Death Eater (or pretending to be) at this point. And of course, blondes have more fun.
And the scenes in Snape's bathroom?
Maybe we're just sick. Did that ever cross your mind? Honestly, if you possessed the body of Severus, wouldn't you have an issue with the trouser Snape?
So none of that stuff happened then?
It all happened, but only S and S remember. This isn't the same as it not happening. Although, you will be pleased to know that the end of the story means that poor old Sappy isn't dead after all, and pumpkin juice can be enjoyed by all. Except Sappy, who we are sad to report was smothered by pumpkins as the incredible bumper harvest burst through the store room doors and into the kitchen. So he didn't make it. Fifty Alan Rickman groupies also had their sight restored, and there was great rejoicing until Severus announced that, thinking about the time he'd spent in bed with Sirius, he probably was gay, and many of them poked out their own eyes with spoons.
Hang on a minute… that's the second time Sappy has died in this chapter. He was crushed by Chudley Cannon fans, so how can he be crushed by pumpkins too?
Well, here are several alternatives. Feel free to make up your own mindWe couldn't be arsed with any more proof reading. 15,000 words is a lot to check for mistakes, especially when you wrote it. We were too busy drawing stupid monkey graphs to proof read it Alternatively, as previously discussed, it is very hard to tell the difference between Chudley Cannon fans and pumpkins. Eye witness reports to our good selves (Dobby) are unreliable at best. There is more than one house elf called Sappy. House elves have been unable to sexually reproduce for almost a thousand years. All those hormones made the elves less subservient, and made some evil wizards feel inadequate (nudge nudge). As such, cloning is the only way to avoid the unfortunate ageing process and also any 'accidental' beheadings of insolent creatures by their moral superiors. Any way, problems with the cloning process (they left Dobby in charge) led to a reactor breech and multiple Sappys, who both died in tragic circumstances. (*Reference SG-1)
Okay done with all that now, back to frivolity.
Why does Hermione have black hair?
Because since we saw the trailer with Hermione in a pink hoodie with realised that she was a miniature of our pet Gryffindor neighbour. Also, as she was nearly sorted into Ravenclaw she has more taste than say, Ron, and knows that black is the new…well black. She also wears green tights.
What's with all the difference between a Slytherin and a….jokes.
Firstly let me say, the one about the badger ends and ones a nasty little arse wipe…go figure. As to the jokes, well they're just compulsive. And we're obsessive. Really.
Why do we have such a go at badgers?
Well of all the things to wipe you privates on, what would you choose out of a lion, a badger, a snake and an eagle? And badgers burrow.
Have you ever seen a doctor?
Plenty, 50% of us is training to be one. The other 50% lives with them, and thinks she has escaped. Mwhahahahahaha.
Who hates the coffee flavoured revels?
Well obviously not the wannabe-doctor as if you don't like caffeine…well it's hopeless. The arts student has yet to see a morning. (lies, damned lies. Or was that statistics? Probably both.)
What's with the chapter numbers?
Well aside from the obvious genuflection to Monty Python, it seemed like a good idea at the time. Rest assured we got just as confused as you probably did by the end.