The Definition of Regret

By

Anessa Ramsey

Disclaimer:  I own nothing.  Everything WWE belongs to Vince McMahon, etc.

Rating: G

Spoilers: None really, except that Christian did not turn on Edge. 

Summary:  Someone thinks about the mistakes that they made.

Feedback:  Always appreciated.

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Regret: 1. a. to mourn the loss or death of ; b. to miss very much

   2. to be very sorry for

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She looks happy.

It makes me wonder if I ever did that for her.  I think maybe, once, before everything, I actually made her smile at me like she does at him now.  It upsets me that I can't remember for sure. 

It's been just over a year and a half and I still think about her.  She's in my mind and my dreams.  Of course she would be.  What better revenge for her.  She doesn't even know she got it, doesn't know that every time I see her I want to touch her, hold her, but I don't have that right anymore.  That belongs to him. 

I have no right to be angry.  I left her long before she ended it with me, if I was ever really there to begin with.  I certainly didn't act like I was hers.  I flirted with the other divas, cheated on her with groupies, kept her waiting up for me more nights than I can count.  It was stupid of me to think that she'd just keep taking it, that she would just let me treat her that way.  I don't think I ever once told her that I loved her.

I still do.  Love her, that is.  She may not be mine, she may love someone else, but it doesn't stop what I feel.  I just realized it too late.  She told me that she didn't think I could love.  She was wrong.  I can.  I do.  I love her.  She just doesn't love me in return. 

I can be sorry for everything I did to hurt her.  I can miss her more than words can say, but it doesn't let me go back and change the past.  I can't tell her that I'm sorry or ask her for another chance.  I had my shot and I blew it.  I had her and I took it for granted that she'd stay, that she would love me no matter what I did to hurt her. 

I know he'll never hurt her the way I did.  It's there in every gesture.  I can even see it in his eyes.  He's always loved her, even when she was with me.  And now for the first time in my life I'm actually jealous of something he has.  I never thought I'd envy Christian.  He was always the one who wanted the things I got.  He followed me everywhere, even into wrestling.  He wanted to be me.  It's funny how twisted life can be sometimes.  I would do anything to be him now.  Anything to have her back. 

I always thought that I'd be the one to stand up for him when he got married.  I know it's what he wanted.  I just never thought he'd be marrying her.  I told him I couldn't do it.  I know it hurt him, but I also know he understood.  He knows.  I think he's known since she left me. 

She looks beautiful.  Her hair is hanging down her back, long and curly.  She's wearing the simple ivory dress that she always wanted.  She never did want anything fancy.  I remember when she and Stacy were looking at gowns for Stacy's own wedding.  I was surrounded by wedding magazines for weeks. 

I can't hear them, but I can see their mouths moving and I know that they're exchanging the vows that will bind them together forever.  I can't watch anymore.  I thought I could stand here and watch them from afar and not have my heart break, but it's not possible.  Lita loves someone else.  Someone who's not me.  She loves my brother.  It's there in her smile and in her eyes.  I can't watch anymore.  I can't see her kiss him, sealing their vows to each other, so I walk away.  It's something I seem to excel at, after all, who really walked away first.  It certainly wasn't her.  My heart didn't break until after I destroyed hers.  He just helped her piece hers back together. 

I can hear the clapping and congratulations from behind me as I go and I cringe.  Sometimes I think that there is nothing left of me.  I want to believe that she took it all with her when she went.  Unfortunately I know different.  She didn't take all of me.  There's still the love I have for her.  And don't forget the regret.  I am the definition of it, after all.